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RE: another jaded sub - 4/19/2008 6:34:49 AM   
Loveisallyouneed


Posts: 348
Joined: 2/5/2008
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

quote:

ORIGINAL: Loveisallyouneed


Hello you.
have missed you.
Prin



Surprising how often I hear that.

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

(in reply to Prinsexx)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: another jaded sub - 4/19/2008 6:51:59 AM   
Loveisallyouneed


Posts: 348
Joined: 2/5/2008
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UncleNasty

quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo



The problem with putting criterion  and expectations in your profile is that a lot of men will pretend to want the same things you do.  For example:  If you don't want to talk about kinks at first, they will read that in your profile and simply conform (temporarily) in order to make you think they are well-suited for you.  Worse yet, they will pander to exactly what you say you are looking for and tell you that they want the same thing.  A lot of men will tell a girl anything to get her panties down, and the more you give away about yourself in your profile, the more material they have to work with, then you have to decipher through it all and figure out what's true and what's bullshit.  I would rather let them be themselves and just weed them out in the first couple of talks.  Why should I tip them off?  ie-- If a dude says to me.."So...what are you into?" or "what are your limits", I know right away he's either looking for wank fodder or wants to talk about the sexual aspects before getting to know who I am.  I think it's best to see this right off the top of the bat, it gives me the upper hand in the assessment process.  Some are a bit smoother and it will take longer to smell their bullshit, but at least you can rule out the sloppier ones right away.  Yeah, I guess I'm a little jaded, but I have found that these types are the rule rather than the exception.

On top of all this, when I run into a profile that is a list of everything they DON'T want, it reads like a list of complaints, makes the person look like a loser and repels me immediately.  It's very tempting to put that rough edge into your profile writing, and I know it can feel satisfying on some level,  but I think it puts most people off.




I think it would be very difficult to get to know you. It would either be very short process, or a very laborious one. Any question asked of you would land someone into a "category" and you'd summarily dismiss them.

Do you really act in ways that are this armored and full of gamesmanship? Your phrases of "material to work with" and "tip them off" are telling. It would potentially take a lot of effort just to find out enough about you to be able to make a decision as to whether you're someone I want to know.

Uncle Nasty


Came across a quote that describes this well:

"if pulling teeth is easier than getting you to communicate, you will never be part of any successful relationship, alternative, vanilla or otherwise." - IntelligentleDom



_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

(in reply to UncleNasty)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: another jaded sub - 4/19/2008 7:01:20 AM   
Loveisallyouneed


Posts: 348
Joined: 2/5/2008
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evility

quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo
If a dude says to me.."So...what are you into?" or "what are your limits", I know right away he's either looking for wank fodder or wants to talk about the sexual aspects before getting to know who I am.


The sheer audacity of asking kink specific questions of someone you connected with on a kinky matchmaking site. How dare they. Cads. It's much better to take a month or two finding out her favorite color, dessert dish and television shows and then find out that she isn't compatible with you in the main areas that brought you to a site like this in the first place.



I didn't call it audacity.  It's just not for me. If you want to talk about your sexuality with strangers, that's your prerogative. I would rather not.  


Interesting.

A subbie being evasive is supposed to be okay, but a master being evasive would be seen as suspicious.

Personally, any subbie being evasive is a red flag that the individual is a wannabe fishing for fantasy fodder.

I prefer full disclosure: a direct approach that weeds out the gamers.

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

(in reply to marieToo)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: another jaded sub - 4/19/2008 7:02:57 AM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		I usually feel that "coy" subs are just another male profile fishing for wank fodder. I lose interest in them pretty quickly.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to Loveisallyouneed)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: another jaded sub - 4/19/2008 7:12:38 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		jaded? nah....how does it serve a person to be fearful and/or bitter? how does that attract into thier life happiness and joy?

but then i dont believe there is such a thing as a "bad" experiance.

i think you take responsibility for every decision you make and anytime someone or something wants to turn you into a victim, you recapitualte the experice into understanding how it made you grow as a person and how you are stronger, and smarter...

to do anything other then that, is only going to create all sorts of problems for the next partner you have because you will have all sorts of walls and suspicions (ie baggage)  that they have to navigate to just be with you...

many dont bother.



_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: another jaded sub - 4/19/2008 7:16:24 AM   
Loveisallyouneed


Posts: 348
Joined: 2/5/2008
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo


I'm not refering to guys who send civilized thoughtful emails. 

I'm talking about the avoidance of putting bait out for men who have ill-willed intentions.  Wouldn't you want to know that the woman of your interest chose you because you stood out over the others?   Or would you be happy to know that she latched onto the first guy who emailed and said  "nice profile, baby,  I like ass play too. I think we're a match!" 



That sounds good in theory, but paranoia works both ways, or haven't you heard of the "Too Good To Be True" syndrome, where someone seems so good you decide they can't be real.

Happens to me all the time.

I've lost track of the number of ignored "civilized thoughtful emails" I've sent seeking nothing more than to get to know someone based on a favourable impression of their profile.

Subs complain constantly about the lack of information doms provide. Yet I have one of the heftiest, and best written (so I am told) profiles on the board and the results are staggeringly disappointing.

The facts seem to be that most subs here are either fake, wannabes, attached and not looking, or suffer from personality disorders and/or other psychological problems that interfere with their ability to initiate and sustain a healthy relationship.

A man has to go through a lot of frog-ettes before finding a Beloved.

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

(in reply to marieToo)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: another jaded sub - 4/19/2008 7:19:21 AM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		I do wonder why women allow themselves to become so jaded that they can't just dismiss the obvious hng's and wannabes and concentrate on the decent guys. Even if there are 100 mails in the box-you can go through them in less than an hour and just delete and block the wankers and time wasters. Otherwise,why the hell are you even here?

Edited to add, your  filters can cut down on those even more. Especially if you don't want anyone not local to you-or the wrong, sex, age, etc.....the tools are in place-don't whine if you refuse to use them.

Emotional masochism?

< Message edited by Leatherist -- 4/19/2008 7:21:03 AM >

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to Loveisallyouneed)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: another jaded sub - 4/19/2008 7:33:15 AM   
Loveisallyouneed


Posts: 348
Joined: 2/5/2008
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsStarlett

quote:

ORIGINAL: Loveisallyouneed

Third, I've been aware for some time that bdsm attracts those with personality disorders and other psychological problems. Such individuals have all sorts of problems initiating and sustaining a healthy relationship.


I think the INTERNET attracts people with problems.

I haven't been here that long, but reading the threads shows a reoccuring pattern of women complaining about being bombarded by HNG's.   Hate  to let you ladies know - They are EVERYWHERE!  Learn to acknowledge, ignore and move on. 

The internet is FULL of free and pay-per-view, sex sites.  Men with poor social skills are drawn to these.  For some strange reason, they get it in their heads that ALL women are sex toys and the ones on 'matchmaker' sites of any kind, kink or vanilla, are all just free whores who have nothing better to do than service them.

On the flip side of the coin are the Needy Women with no social skills.  They blame every man who comes along for every crime ever committed against them. From the school yard bully who told her she was fat to the blind boss who passed her obviously over skilled self over for a promotion - It's ALL  YOUR FAULT because your a man!

The internet is the Granola bowl full of people who don't have a life.  ("Granola:  What ain't nuts & fruits is flakes.")  These people have no idea how to deal with others.  That's why they spend so much time sitting in front of a computer instead of getting their sorry butts out the door and having a REAL LIFE!

Ok, have I over simplified the situation & stereotyped enough people for you?

The deal is, there are also a lot of very nice people out there.  They just get lost in that whirlpool.  Sometimes, the good ones get overlooked because others have become to jaded.  



Well said.

I am amazed by the number of women who believe they can tell all they need to know by reading the introductory letter, and not bothering to read the profile or journal.

As if all a man and master is can be found in any one letter, no matter how well crafted.

Sometimes I am tempted to download my entire profile and journal and cut and paste it to any letter I send out. If I've only got one opportunity to make contact, might as well throw in the kitchen sink.

But then I think a little harder and realize I do not want anyone whose attention to her quest for a master is so fleeting and shallow as to look no further than a single letter for all the answers.

To be honest, I think a lot of women get a huge ego-boost to be the centre of attention for so many men, and to have the luxury of rejecting so many men.

But as I say in my journal, after you've rejected enough men to populate a small town, what then?

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

(in reply to MsStarlett)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: another jaded sub - 4/19/2008 7:40:07 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		somehow and somewhere the word jaded got introduced into the dictionary and became, for many, a cool thing to be.

but lets call it what it is people: bitter and fearful, and then see how many folks want to self identify with it.


_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to Loveisallyouneed)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: another jaded sub - 4/19/2008 7:40:38 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: justnewsub
Ok vent done... so do you feel as a sub or a Dom that you have become a bit jaded since joining CM?


Since joining any of the sites I have become jaded, since having relationships I have become jaded, since reading blogs I have become jaded, since meeting people i have become jaded, fuck me its  agood job I like green


_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to justnewsub)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: another jaded sub - 4/19/2008 7:44:53 AM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

somehow and somewhere the word jaded got introduced into the dictionary and became, for many, a cool thing to be.

but lets call it what it is people: bitter and fearful, and then see how many folks want to self identify with it.



No pain, no gain. You learn to take risks and move on ,or you just sit there and rot in your own shit.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: another jaded sub - 4/19/2008 7:44:57 AM   
Loveisallyouneed


Posts: 348
Joined: 2/5/2008
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evility

quote:

ORIGINAL: Fischen
If you want a lap dog, go to a pet shop.


Bingo. If you are put off by kink conversation then you don't belong here. Match.com or eharmony would be a better venue.




I don't care about kink conversation one way or the other. I want a bit of class along with my kinky please.

juliet


I'd prefer to differentiate between an exchange of fantasies as opposed to ensuring compatibility.

I am not interested in an exchange of fantasies, but I am not here to engage in vanilla-only discussion.

I want to know what kind of slave will she be, and what kind of master she seeks, so as to determine whether in fact we are compatible or not in that area.

But that is not all I want to know about her. Is she easy to talk with, friendly, gregarious or shy, intelligent, well-read, insightful, charming, etc.?

Kink is only part of the mix.

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

(in reply to julietsierra)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: another jaded sub - 4/19/2008 7:45:02 AM   
Sundowner


Posts: 2549
Joined: 3/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Loveisallyouneed

quote:

ORIGINAL: justnewsub

so do you feel as a sub or a Dom that you have become a bit jaded since joining CM?



No.

First, I do not make the next person pay for the crimes of the previous person. I've never appreciated that kind opf injustice in others, and do not intend to perpetuate it.

Second, I've never been under any illusion that the slave I seek is common. Anyone who is sincere, dedicated, intelligent, honest and seeking a relationship as opposed to a kink-filled evening is going to be quite rare.

Third, I've been aware for some time that bdsm attracts those with personality disorders and other psychological problems. Such individuals have all sorts of problems initiating and sustaining a healthy relationship.

So I am no more jaded now than I was when I arrived.

When seeking a needle in a haystack, a lot of patience is required.



Yup. Pretty much what he said.

(in reply to Loveisallyouneed)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: another jaded sub - 4/19/2008 8:01:48 AM   
Loveisallyouneed


Posts: 348
Joined: 2/5/2008
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

somehow and somewhere the word jaded got introduced into the dictionary and became, for many, a cool thing to be.

but lets call it what it is people: bitter and fearful, and then see how many folks want to self identify with it.



Most people are not that honest with themselves.

It is much more palatable to say "bad men hurt me and now I am extra careful and I will treat you as if you might be one of those bad men till you jump through enough hoops to convince me you aren't ... and did I mention my paranoia ensures there is never enough hoops to jump through?"

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: another jaded sub - 4/19/2008 8:04:24 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		 Cry me a river, it's been this way for a long time, it's going to be this way for a long time. You distance yourself from negative people and you're a happier person.

Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to Loveisallyouneed)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: another jaded sub - 4/19/2008 8:15:52 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Loveisallyouneed

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

quote:

ORIGINAL: Loveisallyouneed


Hello you.
have missed you.
Prin



Surprising how often I hear that.


Every once in a while there is a tiny moment or action that perfectly captures a truth, this was one of those moments.   And thus the cycle continues...

(in reply to Loveisallyouneed)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: another jaded sub - 4/19/2008 8:17:51 AM   
Bethnai


Posts: 492
Joined: 11/8/2007
Status: offline 		I like your profile.

I like your Doormat entry. I remember reading an article some time ago on an online mag. This sub said what if I am a doormat? Who the hell are you?  It was great.

I like the entry on Subbie Psycho Drama. 'Nuff said.

I always thought, and this could have been my first mistake, that if one is seeking then this is foreplay. If the brain is the most powerful sex organ than it stands to reason that the first connections through email are an attempt to gain entry into that. It either plays out well or it doesn't. Maybe its me, but I just want my kink and to eat it, too.

(in reply to Loveisallyouneed)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: another jaded sub - 4/19/2008 8:32:29 AM   
Loveisallyouneed


Posts: 348
Joined: 2/5/2008
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

 Cry me a river, it's been this way for a long time, it's going to be this way for a long time.



You state the obvious.

quote:



You distance yourself from negative people and you're a happier person.



And if it were as simple as that it would be done.

I invested over three months in a woman last fall. We talked, we met, we dated, we fell in love, we made plans to live together, then she moved in.

Overnight she had a frontal lobotomy, a complete personality makeover, and became the Paranoia Queen.

Why?

It turns out she has psychological problems with committment and depending on others. The result, she says, of past traumatic experiences with others.

Since then she has gone from labelling herself "slave" to "submissive" to "vanilla with kink".

Understand that last fall she was claiming to be a slave with years of experience and absolute confidence that she would carry out any committment she might make.

She claims she had no idea that these changes would occur, or that this problem would get the better of her.

This is a problem especially prevalent amongst those who say "I have no experience but I am sure... blah blah blah".

Certainly for some this is just a convenient excuse to get out of a situation they did not expect (such as a bad dom). But as of last week the lady in question was -still- trying to convince me to give her yet another chance (#5, I believe), only to be tripped up by her own paranoia and aversion to addressing her issues.

It is not like these people are wearing labels on their chests.

There are times when the fickle, the flighty, and the fearful represent as many "sub" listings as the number of women "seeking dominant men" whose profiles say "I'm taken, why do men assume otherwise?".

The thing is, a lot of women have had traumatic events, and would benefit from a sensitive man who is patient and understanding. But to know which ones will benefit from those who are too far gone often requires involvement.

Or is it your opinion any woman who has -ever- been raped should be shunned by all men because she will obviously have issues and no man should waste his time helping her achieve her dream of loving and being loved?

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: another jaded sub - 4/19/2008 8:47:40 AM   
Loveisallyouneed


Posts: 348
Joined: 2/5/2008
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Bethnai

I like your profile.

I like your Doormat entry. I remember reading an article some time ago on an online mag. This sub said what if I am a doormat? Who the hell are you?  It was great.

I like the entry on Subbie Psycho Drama. 'Nuff said.


Thank you.

quote:


I always thought, and this could have been my first mistake, that if one is seeking then this is foreplay. If the brain is the most powerful sex organ than it stands to reason that the first connections through email are an attempt to gain entry into that. It either plays out well or it doesn't. Maybe its me, but I just want my kink and to eat it, too.


I don't think it is a mistake to characterize "seeking" as "foreplay", as long as people understand that "foreplay" includes a host of behaviour patterns, many of which are not overtly sexual.

Flirting, teasing, double entendres, are all good signs in a conversation, assuming the conversation is between people with similar goals and the ability/willingess to achieve those goals.

The lady I mentioned above would chat with me on messenger while reviewing the latest applicants to her profile. Throughout this process it was clear she was comparing each one with me, and she was going through fifty or more a day.

Yet our conversation was light, fun, and grew more familiar and intimate as time went on. Her sharing her search for someone better than me became a bonding experience for both of us.

If "foreplay" is all that leads to the making of love, then this certainly must be included: the dance of words that leads to greater intimacy.

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

(in reply to Bethnai)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: another jaded sub - 4/19/2008 8:56:21 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Loveisallyouneed
But as of last week the lady in question was -still- trying to convince me to give her yet another chance (#5, I believe), only to be tripped up by her own paranoia and aversion to addressing her issues.


Well it's your choice to still have contact with her. 

quote:


Or is it your opinion any woman who has -ever- been raped should be shunned by all men because she will obviously have issues and no man should waste his time helping her achieve her dream of loving and being loved?


I should have known better than to enter this discussion. I do not appreciate your HUGE leaps in taking what I said and twisting it to something so extreme.  You take a simple statement and you think of one of the worst possible examples to illustrate why I'm wrong.

If a woman has been raped and is negative and bitter, are you going to be happy around her?  Does SHE want to get over it? Doesn't sound like it, if she is negative and bitter - it sounds like YOU want her to be happy and loved, not her.  You can't fix the world if it doesn't want to be fixed.

CM doesn't have the bandwith for me to list all the exceptions, possibilities, corollaries, conjectures, axioms, etc., for the statement "distance yourself from negative people and you'll be happier." 

Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to Loveisallyouneed)
Profile   Post #: 60
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