ElanSubdued
Posts: 1511
Status: offline
|
Wow! Thanks! Everyone gave such wonderful responses. Well, okay... a few people missed the intent of the OP, but gave good natured responses anyway. To be clear, I'm not asking "how to make love to a Dominant woman" with regard to the actual, technical aspects of kissing, caressing, groping, inserting round pegs in round holes, etc. Rather, I'm asking how a submissive makes love to his/her Dominant while taking an active role that, none-the-less, respects the BDSM dynamics they share. This isn't as easy as it may seem, especially when you're first getting to know each other. I know this because I've experienced the enigma first hand. (Note, by "enigma" I literally mean "quandary or puzzle".)
Really, I want to thank each person and reply to every post, but that just isn't feasible today. Thus, I'm going to pick out some bits that particularly resonate with me. Please know that I appreciate everybody's contributions.
quote:
RumpusParable:
By knowing her well and what she wants, allows and likes when the desire or situation comes up. Open discussion and learning gradually by doing, plus a mutual empathy borne of familiarity.
Some would never want the sub to take the sexual lead, some only at certain times or in certain ways, some almost always... just as with vanilla partnerships.
And again as with vanilla partnerships, it comes down to learning your partner and their unique preferences; the body language, speaking patterns, tone of voice, smell of skin, et cetera that indicates different moods, desires and receptiveness to what advances; the things you can do to, for or around them that will stir the same.
(snip)
No, there is no one or three things I like them to ask for.
Yes, there are many things I like them to initiate on their own... just about anything I don't ask/tell I specifically want or don't want. Whether it's a gentle and worshipful act like a massage or toying with my hair with the tone of sex to dragging me behind a building and throwing me up against a wall, I'm okay with them initiating so long as they take their knowledge of me into account and are focusing on me during whatever the act is.
Experimentation and open discussion are both okay with me.
I like very active, adventurous, and aggressive lovers no matter what, if any, power dynamic is between us. I by my nature will take the lead and/or initiate when I want to, which is often, but I get bored if I'm always the one starting things or am the only one trying out or bringing up new ideas or locations. I always need someone who is going to match me this.
Thank you for this Rumpus. Your thoughts give me lots to think about. I tend to approach romance and sex a lot this way myself. Thus, it's a process of communicating directly, experimenting, reading body language, and watching my partner's response. It makes me feel much less "out of my league" to hear you, a Domina, express the same desires and approach. Thank you.
quote:
Madame4a:
Ma'am may I phuck you works for me... *grin* sometimes I'm easy... and sometimes I just like it like that...
its all a dance though, any kind of seduction is, if its any good -- and there is no better submissive in my life than one who learns how to "seduce the top" as I've be known to call it.
It really is individual and hopefully, whoever you are with will teach you. I believe its important for any type of relationship to teach your partner what turns you on and how to really please you.
(snip to Madame4a's post to MySweetSubmssive)
I was thinking a lot about this thread last night. And I like what you've said -- my emphasis added... to me, dominance is not always about taking charge... but about CHOICE... and that I get to make that choice, no matter what it is...
I can't stand having a submissive in my life who somehow decides that some act on my part is submissive or decides that something I do makes me less dominant...
choice, its all about the fact that *I* have the choice...
and I too like people making the first move, in all kinds of situations -- shows me you're interested
and by the way, I had a switch in my life... who would pop her head around the door at the oddest times and say... "hey lady, wanna fuck?" and it got me every time
Madame4a, I like how you underlined "seducing the top" and teaching one another. The notion that dominance isn't always about acting in a dominant way, but rather about having leadership and the ability to make choices particularly connects with me. Oh, and these two, little, nuggets are quite helpful:
"Ma'am may I phuck you works for me... sometimes I just like it like that..."
"I had a switch in my life... who would pop her head around the door at the oddest times and say... 'hey lady, wanna fuck?' and it got me every time"
Thanks for the seduction tips. :-)
quote:
DiurnalVampire:
Fox is very easy to read. When he is excited and interested in being sexual, he gets hard. No mystery there. If he wants sex, he will simply NOT make the effort to hide his arousal. It's a cue, but it is still my decision if we do anything about it or not. It is definitely not predictable or boring.
TeachMeTonight:
I agree that a hard cock is the simplest way to read a submissive man's readiness to be sexual. Assuming that there is an agreed sexual component to the relationship, that is all the indicator I need to act on things or not, depending on my mood and energy level. Since my submissive partner does not live with me, most of the time when we have a date some sort of play will be involved, so we both know when we are planning on activity. It becomes more a matter of my deciding the little things, like rope or no rope :).
The "hard cock" indicator is an interesting one because not all men are this way. Now sure, if I'm revved up sexually, an erection is often part of this equation, but not always. Much of the time, I find that seducing, arousing, flirting, and pampering my partner occurs in very subtle ways, throughout the day or over the course of several days.
I love foreplay and this doesn't always involve bumping parts and erogenous zones. For example, I might kiss my partner long, hard, and very passionately in the morning. Neither of us is wet, hard, moaning, (fill in your favouite sexual arousal metric here). However, emotionally we have made a sexual connection that grows during the day and continues to be fed with phone calls, touch, and other kinds of romance. To be very blunt, I won't have a hard cock while this is going on, but the message to my partner is very clear: I adore you, I want to consume you, I want to make love to you. Does this make sense? Sometimes, even when I'm really horny, this is all in my mind and it hasn't made it's way down to the small head yet. So, while I agree that certain de-facto indicators are useful, I don't think it's good to rely on them exclusively.
Side note: yes DV and TeachMeTonight, it makes perfect sense to me that you (the Domina) decide the how, why, and when - albeit, my understanding is that sometimes the submissive suggests these things and/or makes a direct, sexual approach and the Domina communicates (with words or body language) "that's a grand idea, bring it on"! Indeed though, the Domina is still making the decisions with herself and her partner's needs in mind. Yes/no?
quote:
Khem:
Great topic and one I have spent a good amount of time thinking about. I tend to be annoyed by overly sexual behavior when I do not want to see it, yet I don't want to ever doubt that I am desired. For me, it's more about being told I'm beautiful or that I've done something sexy, etc rather than "Oh look at my raging hard-on Mistress." I tend not to make too much of a fuss about the actual mechanics of sex once I've initiated it though. There's S&M play, there's S&M play with sex, and there's just plain good sex. Any of those options work for me, as long as it's my call. When it comes to the plain good sex, (perhaps plain isn't the best word) I'm not especially concerned about who's fucking who and who's screaming for more.
Well, this clarifies a lot! :-) Actually, it really does. It's the part about showing your Domina that you desire her that causes me occasional confusion. Because, apart from telling her she is beautiful, sending flowers, touching her with soft caresses, making dinner for her, reading to her, and doing other things that show my affection, sometimes (yes, sometimes) the way I communicate desire is by acting in sexual ways that can be perceived as toppy. Examples: getting on top of her, pulling her hair, throwing her down and fucking her, etc. Now of course, if I can see that my partner isn't in the mood for this, I won't communicate this way. Likewise, if I initiate and my partner communicates that she wishes me to stop, I will. Note, I wouldn't start with aggressively taking my Domina, but this is where it might end up if the two of us desire this. The "look at my raging hard-on" stance excepted, what I'm getting from your thoughts is that in the right context it is okay (and even desirable from the Domina's perspective) for a submissive to initiate and be a very active, sexual partner.
quote:
MySweetSubmssive:
I would be disappointed if the other person never made the first move. To be courted, to be advanced upon, to be told that you are sexy and wanted, and yes, even to have the submissive be the aggressor at times, is a necessary thing.
Is that not a dominant thing? Ask me if I give a hoot.
It's all about balance, isn't it? If I had a guy who wanted to play Rambo all the time, it wouldn't work. It would be irksome and out of phase with who I am -- OK, it would be flabbergasting! My guess is that my submissive would be assertive at times because it was where his head (er ... either one) was at, but also because he was minutely reading me and knowing that I would love it. Also, I've never wanted to be all one thing. Sometimes I want to be taken and fucked, and someone who couldn't go there wouldn't be my cup of tea, either.
This, from a purely human point of view, makes so much sense to me. Underlying BDSM power exchange, dynamics, protocols, toys, fetishwear, and play is just two (or in some cases more) people showing affection for one another.
quote:
thetammyjo:
Over the years, Fox has become an amazing lover. However, regardless of his techniques and skills that he has learned, his greatest tool is his ability to empathize, pay attention, and never let me forgot that he is mine and everything we do is for me and my pleasure.
He does this not just through his words and actions but also his tone of voice and the look in his eyes. He never makes the first touch or the first kiss or the first direct move but he certainly lets me know when he's horny by reacting and by placing himself in submission postures that he has learned will turn me on. Of course, a sharp intake of his voice, a "damn you are beautiful Mistress," and a sigh while he looks up from his kneeling position is usually all it takes for me.
Tammy-Jo, your dynamics with Fox are a little different than my own, preferred approach (which is only sometimes passive), but what you've written is so very helpful and insightful regardless. Thank you. I like how Fox seduces you. *takes notes* Oh, and please thank Fox for me. :-)
quote:
TermsConditions:
Likely correct answer: There is no correct answer.
In my limited experience with dominant women, intimacy is a "teachable moment." Doing something "wrong" provides an opportunity for correction. Once on top, I found myself on the bottom so hard and so fast it literally made my head spin and knocked the breath out of me; how that was accomplished I still don't know, but I remember.
Do as you are told until told to do otherwise; that seems like a safe way to proceed. :-)
Terms, I agree with your notion that there is no correct answer. That said, the "do as you are told until told to do otherwise" modus operandi is exactly my quandary. Sure, this is the safe way to go, but it's boring as all hell - at least, if I was on the receiving end of this I'd think so. Sometimes, if I can say this in a way that is not offensive to anyone here, it's nice to be actively desired and pursued regardless of whether one is Dominant or submissive. Understanding this question and the surrounding dynamics and feelings inside the context of a BDSM relationship is the main reason I posted the thread.
quote:
azropedntied:
Making Love to a Domme /Mistress starts early in the day caring for her needs, making her breakfast, bidding her a good day as you see her off to work, complimenting her before she departs. Getting some tasks done around the home, meeting her for a nice lunch wearing her special collar proudly and asking if there are any other tasks needed to be done before she gets home. She arrives home and is welcomed, her work attire removed, silken robe placed upon her, her hair is brushed, she is led to the dinner table where everything is all prepared, candles lit and we dine. The wine is poured and we chat about her day, a desert is served, and a warm bath is drawn, oils laid out and bubbles and bath salts in place, more candles are lit and her fav music plays. Ma'am is bathed and powdered, lightly, her feet then rubbed from her long hard day, then i await her wishes. hoping i did it correctly and she is pleased. Or you could just jump on her and ride her like a pony.
There is great romance in your thoughts and this connects with me. However, much of what you've written isn't feasible unless you're a stay-at-home submissive. For example, in my own case, I'm out at work so it's not possible for me to do all the household chores during the day. Likewise, I may have professional engagements in the evening so some nights it just isn't feasible for me to prepare dinner and pamper my partner. Still, I get where you're going with all of this. You've described the same "seducing the top" idea that Madame4a alluded to and my own notion that seduction doesn't start with a hard cock, but rather with little (and sometimes not so little), continuous gestures of affection that take place throughout the day (or week). Oddly enough though, I'm learning that for some Dominas, given the right context, "jump on her and ride her like a pony" is quite appropriate. :-)
quote:
ShaktiSama:
I can see your point that it might get old to have the submissive ask every time before initiating some mutually pleasurable activity -- one would think that a good lover of any orientation would learn to read his partner relatively quickly! In the same way he knows when she's tense and needs a massage, in the same way he knows how to make a proper cup of tea or what chores need doing on Tuesday, in the same way he knows by the twist of her smile that she's thinking of something wicked to do to him... he just learns from experience.
During the "get to know ya" phase, I really think that people need to be able to talk, ask, communicate their expectations, desires, hopes and fantasies -- as well as their limits and personal quirks. Do questions break the mood? I suppose they can. One of my most common questions with someone I do not know well is very simple: "Is this working for you?" Or, if the stimulus is physically or emotionally heavy, "Are you ok?"
Sure, that breaks the mood somewhat -- if the mood is based on the idea that I'm a psychobitch torturer and I don't care how the submissive feels -- but I have to learn somehow. Until I have mapped a person's fetishes, limits and responses, I prefer to proceed with caution. I'd rather break a mood than break a person or ruin a relationship.
The same process has to be going on for him with me. I honestly don't believe I could state any "rule" here that will apply to all D/S relationships between "top" women and their bottoms of any persuasion. A lot of dominant women enjoy masochistic or even submissive bottoming with a trusted partner, for example -- my submissive doesn't have to deal with that in my case because I dislike pain, but if I DID enjoy it? I would expect service topping at my whim. Providing me with that pleasure would be how my submissive showed respect to our dynamic -- pleasing me is his job, no matter what pleases me.
(snip)
I think overall, the answer is pretty simple: you make love to a dominant however she likes it.
You ask and you study and you obey until you've learned to do it properly. The D/S dynamic in this situation is in the man's desire to please and the woman's right to dictate the terms of her pleasure. Every dominant woman's preferred style of lovemaking is going to be different -- I think the one commonality is that she'll want the act on her own terms or not at all.
Shakti, in your own, inimitable way, I think you've cut right to the heart of the matter. I'm a big fan of communication and check-ins (to borrow your words: "Is this working for you" and "Are you okay?"). Perhaps this comes from my experience as a dominant. Not all submissives have been at the helm so this does tend to give me a few differing views. Now true enough, whether on the top or bottom, I don't like so many check-ins that they interrupt the flow of things, but I'm happier with enough communication so that my partner and I both know we're enjoying one another. Of course, when you know someone really, really well, fewer and fewer check-ins may be needed (if any at all).
In a thread on another web site, I asked about checking in from the bottom and this was harshly discouraged (under the all-inclusive, over-used "topping from the bottom" mantra). I'm not so sure I agree with this criticism and your comments are causing me to re-visit my thoughts. As a submissive, it is my responsibility to look after my partner and myself, just as it is hers to look after me. I'm really not passive about this. If I see any partner in trouble (Domina or not), I'm going to help them. If this means stopping the scene and dealing with human needs, I'll do so. Prior to taking this type of action, I'll check in with my partner and, especially if she is a Domina, look to her for advice as to what to do. However, in all cases, if I detect that my partner is in trouble and cannot act for herself, I'll stop things and attend to her needs. This is just the way I am. For me, human need rises well above BDSM protocol. In less critical situations, such as making love with a new Domina, I'll often ask questions about what she likes and what she is feeling. Some might consider this overly wordy or breaking the moment, but I'm glad there is at least one person (you) who doesn't feel this is inappropriate.
quote:
Andjew:
Sex and BDSM can be separate. I like to be aggressive in bed, even though I am submissive. My partner is willing to allow that since she enjoys it rough. It's an extension of my servitude, I am aggressive to please her as much as it pleases myself.
This bit of insight about your own approach is very helpful. It is sometimes difficult for me to separate my submissive nature from the fact that I enjoy being sexually aggressive. A part of me thinks that I'm a "bad submissive" because I like to imitate. As you pointed out though, this is for your partner's pleasure as much as your own. If a Domina enjoys this and wants it, there is nothing wrong at all. Thanks for pointing this out Andjew.
quote:
MaamJay:
For Myself, I like to hear a sub's desires. So I would have no problem with him saying "Oh Ma'am, i would love to fuck You"... whether he gets to or not is entirely up to Me but that would likely get My hot buttons fired up! Similarly, taking subtle liberties with a questioning look, waiting for Me to indicate whether to proceed or stop, that is fine too. For eg, when kissing his hand might start at My back but slide slowly around towards My breast or down towards My butt... I would soon put My hand over his to stop him if that weren't appropriate to the moment... but if he was to make a sudden grab for either breast or butt cheek I would pull away and tell him to STOP! And... the same technique as Tammyjo's fox would work a treat too. Only one rider on all of this, I would expect him to have a sense of appropriate timing... trying this 10 mins before I have to go out would NOT be highly considered!
Wow. Another, positive vote for "Oh Ma'am, i would love to fuck You". Gee. I didn't realize this is such a popular, well received approach! I guess, as you pointed out Violet, timing and context are everything, as is seduction. :-)
quote:
aidan:
We're not worthy! We're not worthy! *bow-bow-bow* :-p
On a somewhat more serious note...
I'm not a religious man by any stretch, but I have shared a bed with a Goddess. Worship just seems natural. :-)
Aidan, I'm not sure who the "Goddess" is that you're talking about, but you could say just about anything and Shakti would luvvs you anyway. It's really rather cute and endearing to see. :-)
quote:
darchChylde:
One piece of advice...
Avoid slapping her ass while calling out "Who's your daddy?!". While this is not something that i have ever done, even with vanilla partners; i find it hard to believe that many dominant women will take it very well.
This is part of my problem. The last time I made love to a Domina, as I held her in my arms and she was about to orgasm, I had this overriding desire to say "good girl"! Fortunately, I bit my tongue and said nothing. :-)
quote:
undergroundsea:
I am not sure what approach works but I'll tell you what does not work. I tried singing this song and it got me nowhere!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU
Love the video Sea. Enough said! Thanks. :-)
Elan.
|
RE: Making love to a Domina - how does a sub do this? - 
Profile
' 
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread