quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

Thanks for all the replies. I must say STEELOFUTAH's response seemed particularly resonant ---- which is that for some subs "being used" is a turn on but isn't really the foundation for a LTR. (Not everything needs to be a LTR.)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

The flip side of the equation is: can a Dom be self effacing and unimportant --- and yet retain his or her dominance?

To use myself as an example, I don't think of myself as "important," but I do think some things are important. Hence, if I were a dominant, I would have an arrogance about things I believed in but a general sense of personal modesty. Hence a sub under me would strive for personal excellence to improve her own value and importance --- not to make me feel that **I** am important.

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ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Never assume that just because you cannot "see" something, it does not exist. Perhaps it is because, for some people like myself, we know so deeply within ourselves that those that are important to us and hold us important to them, share a deep love. It is the reason they are important to us.

I think if the question had been something like, "who is important to you, in your life and why?" or "In who's life are you important, and why?", you would have seen that little 4 letter word written a great deal.

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ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I have known quite a few people that found it much easier to love others than themselves.

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But that is not what this thread is about now is it?

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ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

There is no problem with feeling "self important" as long as the 'self is being represented accurately and the definition of self 'importance' represents fact when the representation is tested in the light of day, or, in this case, within a relationship. Coming in without integrity and attracting someone with lies would doom anyone eventually. The open trusting person, may not do anything up front, but eventually, when the work of 'acting' as the represented persona becomes too much they eventually see the truth and run away. That's why I always recommend that people verify and check everything possible before investing emotions and energy. Frauds are actually easy to determine. And nobody, Dom or sub, should accept "trust me" as an answer to a personal question at the inception of a contemplated relationship.

When I hire someone and find out they've lied, or as a well know Presidential candidate puts it "misrepresented", on their resume I make it a point to contact them and tell them; "Gee - you had the job based upon the interview, but verifying the facts I found you lied. Sorry - good luck."

I wonder what goes through people's minds when they lie so blatantly. Whether it's marital status, hight, weight, age, history, or plagiarized information. Anyone with so little confidence really has nothing to offer. Only a fool or someone just as shallow and insecure would find that kind of individual an ideal partner.

"Love" becomes a crutch for the insecure. It's a forgiving and accepting term. However, coming from a person 'outed' as shallow and lacking integrity, what does it represent? How weak must you be to believe you have to lie to attract a partner? At best, it becomes a ploy to achieve an agenda.

Love without confidence and self assurance is meaningless. Love coming from a fraud is valueless, no matter how nice the word sounds.

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ORIGINAL: kittinSol
Perhaps some of them are insecure because of some experience sustained in childhood, hence their need to be so self-important in the eyes of others?

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ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Love is sick when used to justify codependence.