Dominants & Self Importance

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cloudboy -> Dominants & Self Importance (4/23/2008 10:20:13 AM)
Its hard to tell what one really sees via a message board and web site like this; but after seeing a few posts & profiles today something struck me. Some Dommes and Doms are truly "self important." In other words, when a sub is serving them, the sub is doing something "important," "valuable," and maybe even "crucial." Is dominance, then, the project of self importance; making oneself important to another and valuing oneself highly? (Such as the King/Queen and his/her subjects?) I must say I find this kind of dominance a turn off in the long run (with someone I might seek a LT relationship with) but a turn on in the short run (its a fuse that might burn pretty hotly.)

SteelofUtah -> RE: Dominants & Self Importance (4/23/2008 10:30:07 AM)
Excelent Observation. As I read this I thought about the honesty of this situation and how I see the ebbs and flows of Play Parties and the like and the Behaviors that get expressed. When I started on this journey I was 16 and rather immature and stayed that way for a couple years. On the Bondage.com mIRC Server my Whois used to read. "I am that which is to be desired, I am Master, I am Lord, I am Steel" Pompas and Arrogant as it was by the time I was 18 I was in no shortage of women who wanted to be beat and fucked and used by me (not always in tha order) however thse relationships always fizzled quickly when I tried to turn them into something deeper and more stable. I guess by the time I was 20 I felt the need to start seeking more meaningful relationships and this brought me to this realization. When I was a Self-centered entity and saw everyone around me as tools to be used I found I ended up with the kind of people that WANTED to be used. Not Necessarily Owned. Of the ones who did want to be owned I often found that thier personal self worth was viewed as nearly non existent by thier own standards. When I started reviewing this behavior and tried to actually get to know people on a more personal level and left the self-centered person by the road side I noticed that I stopped being as desirable to the girls who wanted to be used and fucked and treated like shit as I used to be and now the girls who desired stability were finding me more attractive where before they only saw me as some Megalomaniac with a superiority complex. This is an Excelent Observation and I look forward to seeing where this goes. Steel

Dnomyar -> RE: Dominants & Self Importance (4/23/2008 10:34:47 AM)
So Steel you quit having fun and now can hardly get any. OP to each his own.

Mercnbeth -> RE: Dominants & Self Importance (4/23/2008 10:34:54 AM)
quote: I must say I find this kind of dominance a turn off in the long run (with someone I might seek a LT relationship with) but a turn on in the short run (its a fuse that might burn pretty hotly.) So you are saying that after someone attracts you by their nature, and burns your fuse hotly, you want them to change their nature as part of the compromise for a long term relationship. Sounds like my ex-wife; succinctly documenting the reason for the divorce.

DiurnalVampire -> RE: Dominants & Self Importance (4/23/2008 10:36:09 AM)
I dont see myself as more important than anyone else, except in my boys eyes. What they are doing is important to me, and to them, but I dont harbor any ideas that anyone else in the world gives a lick about how my pets serve me. Maybe I am the strange one? DV

LaTigresse -> RE: Dominants & Self Importance (4/23/2008 10:44:09 AM)
Oh hell, in the biggest picture I am no more important than any other individual on this planet. I am comforted by the knowledge that I am very important in the lives of some people that are very important to me. That's all I care about.

SteelofUtah -> RE: Dominants & Self Importance (4/23/2008 10:50:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Dnomyar So Steel you quit having fun and now can hardly get any. OP to each his own. Quite the opposite Raymond. Today I have a wonderful relationship with my wife. We have started the process of Joining with another girl and her family.... SLOWLY which means still in the visiting stages and meeting all the UM's and seeing how well we do during week long visits over this next year. I will be taking a week off (vacation) then a few months later she will be visiting us and a few weeks after that andi takes her vacation and we go out for another week. and there is a Domestic that is petitioning for a place in our house who wants to be service only to start and see where she fits into our life later. Oddly enough I stopped trying to fuck everything that walked and the came to me. Odd I know. Steel

OmegaG -> RE: Dominants & Self Importance (4/23/2008 10:55:42 AM)
I think that everyone should feel a degree of self importance in this culture. Self promotion and assertiveness for one's own needs is essential in order to achieve what one desires rather then be herded like sheep into the cultural mainstream. I find that most I have interacted with don't feel that they are any more important then anyone else, but they won't let anyone else feel superiour to them either. As for the D-types, I think that most regognize that they are one part of the dynamic and neither can be enhanced without the other.

Faramir -> RE: Dominants & Self Importance (4/23/2008 10:57:54 AM)
Everyone thinks they are important--a sense of one's self-importance is a human trait, not a dominant trait. For every profile you could show me of a dominant positionin themself as a focal center for greatness, I could show you a submisive profile talking about the value of their "gift" of submission, how strong and indepedent they are, etc.

marieToo -> RE: Dominants & Self Importance (4/23/2008 11:24:55 AM)
Alright, I came back to rip this down. This was way too much personal info to leave for you vultures. I hope no one grabbed it.

BOUNTYHUNTER -> RE: Dominants & Self Importance (4/23/2008 11:33:16 AM)
To no one in particular...In the vanilla world I am just another guy,my importance isn't any more then anothers,But with those that are mine they had better be absorbed in my importance its their job to place me above all others and yes even worship me ...We all weren't placed on this earth as equals,its the truth and most know it to be so...

MadRabbit -> RE: Dominants & Self Importance (4/23/2008 11:33:35 AM)
I think it inevitably goes hand in hand to a degree. While I don't think that I am more important than anyone else, I am more important in my own interpersonal relationships. The women who submit to me submit to me and my expectations and standards of the relationships. These things aren't compromised from person to person based on their own expectations or fantasies of what a dominant is. Therefore, my expectations and standards of the relationship are more important then theirs. If I want to rent the movie "Revolver" and they want to rent the movie "Shrek 3", guess which movie we are probably going to rent? Of course at the same time, I am not oblivious to their wants and am too pragmatic to think that any relationship can survive if focused solely on one person all the time, so I might rent "Shrek 3", but still what I want has a higher degree of importance than what she wants. I won't go as far as to say that "importance" and "authority" are synonymous, but realistically, I think they tend to blend together more than not. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing unless your making "importance" and "superior" synonymous...

RCdc -> RE: Dominants & Self Importance (4/23/2008 11:46:31 AM)
I don't see that as the case you present. In the way you placed it, if a submissive type is doing something important, valuable and even crucial - in that case, it's the submissive that is showing self importance by dong the act. But then I do not agree with that nor the op either. the.dark.

CreativeDominant -> RE: Dominants & Self Importance (4/23/2008 12:04:16 PM)
Actually, your observation of others and your own words regarding their behavior...you are turned on by self-importance in the short-term but not in the long-term sounds like a twist on the bait and switch...instead of them offering up bait for one thing and then switching it to another, it sounds like the most appealing thing to you...the fish, as it were...is for them to bait the hook with one thing and really get you going and then, when you...the submissive...gets tired of it, you want them to switch their behavior to what you...the submissive...want. You want them to present a front that is false because, even though it may be part of them, it should not...in your estimation...be the long-term, major portion of them BUT, you want to have that "turn-on" factor first. It also sounds like a lot of those women who admit they want the bad boy and then, once they have the bad boy, they want to change them completely into what they find desirable...which in most instances is everything the bad boy is not. Why not just find the one with those characteristics you want? Let's admit it...because to many people, those type of people with desirable, long-term characteristics are ...in many though not all instances...not just as subconsciously, instantaneously stimulating as the bad boys or the self-important or the arrogant or the extremely beautiful types. In a way, my ex-wife was a bait-and-switch type...offering up one sort of thing as pretty much a guarantee in exchange for something else and then snatching the bait away in bigger and bigger chunks while expecting me to maintain my bite on the hook. It took me awhile but I did finally ask myself why I should stay on the hook when there was nothing of the original taste left in the bait that was left. I have to wonder...is it possible that what you see as "Self-Importance" is just the dominant tendency to self-assurance? Most dominants I know, including myself...be they arrogant or humble...had a self-assurance about them. That seems to bother a lot of vanilla folk and even some submissives which I find a bit perplexing: if you want a dominant to not only be in control of their own life but able to control others, would you not think that they would have developed self-assurance along the way in order to be able to do so?

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Dominants & Self Importance (4/23/2008 12:53:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse Oh hell, in the biggest picture I am no more important than any other individual on this planet. I am comforted by the knowledge that I am very important in the lives of some people that are very important to me. That's all I care about. Q - F - E!

cloudboy -> RE: Dominants & Self Importance (4/23/2008 1:00:10 PM)
Thanks for all the replies. I must say STEELOFUTAH's response seemed particularly resonant ---- which is that for some subs "being used" is a turn on but isn't really the foundation for a LTR. (Not everything needs to be a LTR.) Subs with more sense and bearing who want something a bit more stable (or should we say "human,") don't really value a "user" or meglomaniac, as he put it. There of course is another dividing line between LTRs and short term ones --- just straight, raw, sexual-experiential interest. A sub who can get his/her fix here can probably turn a blind eye to a DOMs eccentricities and self delusions. What real difference do character flaws make over a period of months or weeks? In such a case its really the experience that matters most. The flip side of the equation is: can a Dom be self effacing and unimportant --- and yet retain his or her dominance? To use myself as an example, I don't think of myself as "important," but I do think some things are important. Hence, if I were a dominant, I would have an arrogance about things I believed in but a general sense of personal modesty. Hence a sub under me would strive for personal excellence to improve her own value and importance --- not to make me feel that I am important.

MladyHathor -> RE: Dominants & Self Importance (4/23/2008 1:00:47 PM)
I am not self important, I am, however, the stabilizer bar in the family unit that I create---that means, sometimes its Me sometimes its the UM, sometimes its the sub, but its all for the good of all involved.

cloudboy -> RE: Dominants & Self Importance (4/23/2008 1:04:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth So you are saying that after someone attracts you by their nature, and burns your fuse hotly, you want them to change their nature as part of the compromise for a long term relationship. Sounds like my ex-wife; succinctly documenting the reason for the divorce. No, what I am saying is that there are different forms and arcs of attraction. I'm skeptical of the "I am that which is to be desired, I am Master, I am Lord, I am Steel" leading to a LTR, but I think it may promise abundant forms devious experimentation.

ShaktiSama -> RE: Dominants & Self Importance (4/23/2008 1:33:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cloudboy Is dominance, then, the project of self importance; making oneself important to another and valuing oneself highly? (Such as the King/Queen and his/her subjects?) I must say I find this kind of dominance a turn off in the long run (with someone I might seek a LT relationship with) but a turn on in the short run (its a fuse that might burn pretty hotly.) Your question is a bit strangely phrased, but maybe I understand what you're saying. There are some dominants who really have no sense of proportion. "It's All About Me" is all they know. They aren't just self-assured, they're self-involved, and they don't recognize that their submissives have any "projects of importance" other than serving. Personally, I like to come first, but I do not expect to be the sole focus or accomplishment of another person's life. I tend to assume they will have other priorities and goals, which may be less important than me but cannot ALWAYS come last. Since I want my relationships to be positive for all concerned, I obviously want to know what is important to my partner, so that I can show some consideration. It may not be much, but hey--never hurts to take the edge off my megalomania. [;)] Examples: if my submissive's mother is in the hospital, it is NOT more important to make my dinner that evening. If my submissive is arguing an important case in court, it is NOT important to interrupt him with a phone call to remind him to pick up my dry-cleaning on his way home (I literally had one man tell me about a femme domme who did that!). There are more subtle and long-term things as well, of course. For example: if my submissive is trying to accomplish a difficult or important goal, like writing a doctoral thesis or finishing the paintings for a one-man show...I might possibly need to offer some support and encouragement while that work is being done. Ease off on the chores a bit, and make sure that the free time available is maximum stress relief, perhaps. Maybe even gasp! do my own laundry.

aidan -> RE: Dominants & Self Importance (4/23/2008 3:19:39 PM)
stands up to the podium and speaks nervously Hi, my name is aidan and I'm a self-important sub. ("Hi, aidan.") Heh. Seriously, though...Yeah, arrogance and a center-of-the-universe attitude is not terribly attractive to me. You are not Zaphod Beeblebrox, and no amount of leather-wear or grafted appendages will change that. Fact is, I've got important shit too. School to attend and a job to work and books to write and causes to champion. I'm not about to put them aside for anybody. Now I know that might sound treasonous coming from a sub. But I wanted to be appreciated as a full human being, and not simply as a sextoy or a slave (in the bad sense). Just as I have to understand that Mistress is not just a sexual dynamo or seductive tormentor. I'm happy to be those things and they're parts of me, but not everything. The fact is we both work to improve each other's lives and reach each other's goals. Am I willing to bend a bit more to meet her's? Sure, of course. That's part of my nature. In fact I specifically set goals that allow for me to be flexible and mobile. I don't really se myself as sacrificing or losing anything in the process. Just means a shift of focus and resources. I love my Mistress, and she loves me. That means, in our case, that she allows me the freedom to persue my plans. That's part of the reason I love her.

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