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Funny Phone messages... - 4/24/2008 4:20:51 PM

Griswold

Posts: 2739
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline

Okay...I'll start....

"Hello, you've reached JJ's house of insanity. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm busy feeding the ("JIMMY....PUT DOWN THE GUN!!!!!") inmates, then I have to hose them down and put them back in their cells for the night. Please leave a msg, and I'll return ("OMFG!!!! Mom....I always loved y...KAPOW!!!") your call after I've given them all their medication."

Beep.

Post #: 1

RE: Funny Phone messages... - 4/24/2008 5:17:34 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

"hello?" (invariably, a first time caller would say hello)
"hello??" (again, respond hello)
"I'm sorry, I can't hear you...." (caller starts talking louder)
"But that's because I'm not here! Leave a message!" beep

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to Griswold)

Post #: 2

RE: Funny Phone messages... - 4/24/2008 5:22:01 PM

KCherry

Posts: 2264
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: Send Help, Fla.
Status: offline

Hello, youve reached god, I am busy right now but dont leave a message. I already know what you are going to say, but the answer is No! Now stop asking!.....*some muttering about lightning bolts is heard in the background along with an angelic choir*

_____________________________

Reality and I had a fundamental differing of opinions. We're currently undergoing trial separation.

Rafters Resident ^_^v

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 3

RE: Funny Phone messages... - 4/24/2008 5:28:10 PM

BrigandDoom

Posts: 155
Joined: 12/29/2007
From: Nottingham
Status: offline

One I heard a recording of recently.... I'm sorry, Derek can't come to the phone (sounds of a whip crack & a guy screaming), but he's been a naughty boy (in the background av voice crying "not the red hot pokers pleaseeeeee) so I'm having to discipline him (voice says appears again in background "alright I'm sorry I didn't mean to say your arse looked big"), so he can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message after the next sound ("ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"")

_____________________________

Brigand Doom

There is only one, accept no alternatives!

(in reply to KCherry)

Post #: 4

RE: Funny Phone messages... - 4/24/2008 7:34:13 PM

GimpinDenial

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BrigandDoom

One I heard a recording of recently.... I'm sorry, Derek can't come to the phone (sounds of a whip crack & a guy screaming), but he's been a naughty boy (in the background av voice crying "not the red hot pokers pleaseeeeee) so I'm having to discipline him (voice says appears again in background "alright I'm sorry I didn't mean to say your arse looked big"), so he can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message after the next sound ("ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"")

okay..THAT would be worth having

(in reply to BrigandDoom)

Post #: 5

RE: Funny Phone messages... - 4/24/2008 7:58:43 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

One my brother used...

Hello (said in a sleepy voice)
*pause*
What time is it (still a sleepy voice)
*pause*
Whoa that's way to early, leave a message and i'll call you when I wake up.

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran

(in reply to Griswold)

Post #: 6

RE: Funny Phone messages... - 4/24/2008 8:55:25 PM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

The reason I never finished College.... This was our Answering Machine Message

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.

The Top 10 Answering Machine Messages

10. My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling…. and I’ll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi! This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for Academics, B is for Beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a “sexy” message, I’ll call sooner.

3. Hi! Now YOU say something.

2. Hi! I’m probably home; I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

And the # 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.

1. Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down and I like doing it left to right… real slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth, we’ll call you back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Psychiatric Hotline

Hello, welcome to and thank you for calling the psychiatric hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent,please have someone press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5,& 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line while we trace your call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully - - a little voice will tell you which button to push.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which button you push, no one will answer.
Have a nice day.

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to Arpig)

Post #: 7

RE: Funny Phone messages... - 4/25/2008 6:31:30 AM

pahunkboy

Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline

i wish i could stop computers from calling me. talk about an intrusion.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 8

RE: Funny Phone messages... - 4/25/2008 7:42:36 AM

Termyn8or

Posts: 18681
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline

A buddy of mine is the MOST annoying.

Hello, (pause)
How you doin'? (pause)

After longer pause :
I can't answer right now so.... bla bla bla

What I mean is he makes you think he actually did answer, AND HE CHANGES IT FREQUENTLY, but it's always the same, just different enough so you don't know it's a recording.

Sometimes I feel like smacking the piss out of him but his arms look like legs. Fucker.

Of course we had a pretty good one back in the hardpartyin days. "You have reached the _____ home for wayward Fathers. Please leave the name of the one you are looking for and we will see if we can find him. Please specify whether you would like him shipped home in a basket or a bag".

And for a while it was "If you are calling for money, we have none, if you owe us money we need it. If you called to bullshit, if we had the time to bullshit we would've answered the phone".

T

(in reply to pahunkboy)

Post #: 9

RE: Funny Phone messages... - 4/25/2008 12:59:46 PM

Phoenix2raven

Posts: 347
Joined: 10/14/2006
Status: offline

You have reached ______________ Sorry we are all tied up right now please leave a message at the tone thanks.

_____________________________

If you're a Dominate, are you looking for a sublimate?

(in reply to Termyn8or)

Post #: 10

RE: Funny Phone messages... - 4/28/2008 6:38:07 PM

jesiul

Posts: 111
Joined: 7/16/2005
Status: offline

Years ago when I was married we had just gotten a new answering machine, while recording it with the usual, “We can’t get to the phone …..” My two year old son fresh from his bath came streaking through; came to as sudden halt wagged his butt at me and then ran.

The recording ended (unknown to us) with me laughing hysterically and squealing, “Cover that wet thing up!!!”

For weeks I got the strangest messages

_____________________________

*When others asked the truth of me, I was convinced it was not the truth they wanted, but an illusion they could bear to live with.*

(in reply to Phoenix2raven)

Post #: 11

RE: Funny Phone messages... - 4/28/2008 6:41:16 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

LOLOL jesiul! thats cute!!

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to jesiul)

Post #: 12

RE: Funny Phone messages... - 4/28/2008 6:54:44 PM

BlackPhx

Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline

"Concatenation of events preclude our coming to the phone. Please speak freely, with magniloquence upon occasion of the tone. "

"Hello, you have reached the _______ family and we can not come to the phone right now. Please leave your name, phone number, short message, social security number, and credit card number and we will call you when we're done shopping."

"Hello, you have reached the automated answering service for (your name), your message will be answered to in the order in which it was received, your message is number 8,243, please hold, your message is important to me."

"Hello. This is ___'s answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding."

"You've reached the BDSM Hotline. All our operators are tied up right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you with your penance."

poenkitten

(in reply to Griswold)

Post #: 13

RE: Funny Phone messages... - 4/28/2008 7:35:07 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

quote:

"Hello. This is ___'s answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding."

If I had an answering machne, I'd want THIS one, in Alan Rickman's voice, of course! *melt*

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to BlackPhx)

Post #: 14

RE: Funny Phone messages... - 4/28/2008 9:46:35 PM

RuheMaus

Posts: 142
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

My friend's household all uses this one:
Hello?
*pause*
Oh, hi there! Um, I got something to tell you...
We're not here right now, but if you leave *bla, bla, bla*

_____________________________

"Typos are very important to all written form. It gives the reader something to look for so they aren't distracted by the total lack of content in your writing."
R. K. Milholland, Something Positive Comic, 07-03-05

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 15

RE: Funny Phone messages... - 4/28/2008 11:58:22 PM

JulieorSarah

Posts: 552
Joined: 8/25/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

quote:

I'd want .... Alan Rickman of course! *melt*

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 16

RE: Funny Phone messages... - 4/29/2008 5:22:55 AM

wulfgarw

Posts: 752
Joined: 3/18/2008
Status: offline

The one I had for a while was-

"Wait! Don't hang up! Tell me what you need and how to get a hold of you, THEN hang up."

(in reply to JulieorSarah)

Post #: 17

RE: Funny Phone messages... - 4/29/2008 5:24:00 AM

adoracat

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

miss satan's cell phone message:

"if you dont recognise this voice, you have the wrong number. no, this isnt your man's phone, he gave you a fake number. beat his ass. if you recognise this voice, leave a message."

some dumbass man was giving out her number as his for a while. *shakes head* right on up there with the guy who programmed the wrong number into his phone to check his messages....and kept calling me for over a week till he figured out what he messed up! arghhh!!

kitten

(in reply to JulieorSarah)

Post #: 18

RE: Funny Phone messages... - 4/29/2008 7:06:34 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JulieorSarah

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

quote:

I'd want .... Alan Rickman of course! *melt*

lol I thought that went without saying!

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to JulieorSarah)

Post #: 19

RE: Funny Phone messages... - 4/29/2008 11:34:24 PM

JulieorSarah

Posts: 552
Joined: 8/25/2007
Status: offline

but it was such fun to say it .. i was in my corset and thought of him in Sense and Sensibility ...
forgive me

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 20

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