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RE: JEALOUSY - 4/27/2008 10:04:11 PM   
MistressOfGa


Posts: 2929
Status: offline
quote:

i was upset because i did not get to participate in giving her happiness.


Hold on to your knickers, I am going to be very frank with you.

You say in your profile that you are more Dom than sub. You didn't show it. You sat and allowed what happened to happen. You are complaining now that you didn't get to participate in making her happy. Why didn't you? I know that had I asked for "help" that is all I would have wanted. I would not have wanted him to take the ball away and run the field to a touchdown. You should have gotten up from your chair, and tapped his shoulder and said "I will take it from here, I understand now what it is to get my wife hot." In other words, move aside buddy, let THIS Dom take over now. Then you could have finished it, including the aftercare.

If you are going to advertise as a dominant, then BE a dominant. NO dominant I know would have sat there and watched, unless they wanted to. If they chose to stop the deal, they would have. That is also what being a dominant is about. Taking control in an uncomfortable position/situation, even if it means making your sub (In this case your wife) uncomfortable. YOU decide what is best for both of you. You obviously didn't, and now you are posting on this forum asking what you can do to keep it from happening again. Well, I suppose as the Dominant of your relationship, it would be up to you, no?

Good luck

MoGa

_____________________________





(in reply to BCAPCAB)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: JEALOUSY - 4/27/2008 10:11:03 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		My fast response to the OP:
Next time, you will know better than to get involved in a scene with someone you have not personally met with and discussed limits and needs with. You got jealous, your wife knew it might happen and had mentioned it to the Dom. HE used it as part of what he wanted you to go through. And it worked, probably exactly as he had wanted it to. It might not have worked for you, but you hadnt met with him to tell him that.
Lesson learned.

DV



_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to MistressOfGa)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: JEALOUSY - 4/27/2008 10:12:28 PM   
MistressOfGa


Posts: 2929
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BCAPCAB
this man basicaly used us and no respect for anybody just his own needs

I'm sorry, but again, you are not taking any kind of responsibility for your part in this. He didn't use you. You allowed him to use you.
quote:

if they are not being met or ignored then either 1 of us has the right to call a break and discuss our issues

It should not have been up to your sub (wife) to stop it, she wouldn't have, she was having to much fun. You were the one uncomfortable, it would have been up to you to stop it, as her Dominant, not as her husband watching. I guess you are finding out that bdsm is not a game. It involves real people with real agendas.
quote:

from now on there will be more time spent on getting to know the person and understanding limits and needs.

What do you mean from now on? This is only my suggestion but I would work on strengthening your relationship with your sub. Until the two of you have worked out what your limits are or your needs are, you will not be able to discuss them with other people.
 
MoGa



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(in reply to BCAPCAB)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: JEALOUSY - 4/28/2008 12:37:55 AM   
bruisedpetals


Posts: 24
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline 		To OP .... I think that thing that worries me is that what if your wife wasn't happy with her experience with the dom - what would have happened then? Your inability to take any sort of control of the situation is very worrying.

(in reply to MistressOfGa)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: JEALOUSY - 4/28/2008 12:38:18 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		The first mistake was that you didn't involve yourself in any part of the negotiation process.  The wife set it all up, so exactly when did you, who also believed you were going to be Topped and taught, express your limits, hopes for the session, goals, or anything else?  Would you have done that with another Top if your wife weren't involved?  Just say, "ok, I'm going to bottom to this person I've never talked with about these things?"

The second mistake you made was not making your intentions clear during the scene.  It was supposed to be about you, too, right?  If it was 'too much for you', where was your safeword?  You obviously weren't tied to the chair you were sitting in, so rather than get up and leave the room alone, why didn't you get up and either participate or change the scene?  I get the part about you didn't want to ruin it for your wife (I admit to thinking she had more to do with this than you say) but didn't you two come to this decision together? 

As to the aftercare, the dom you involved didn't owe you any.  You said yourself that you weren't really involved in the scene.  The wife might be another story.  I know that, for Myself, often if I'm playing with someone where the spouse is watching, I'll turn the aftercare over to them, so even though they just watched, they are still a part of the bottom enjoying the space.  This is something I discuss prior to play.

Side note here.  OldB, you are enjoying this way too much.  I admit, I'm enjoying the fun part right along with you.  Reverse cuck, anyone? 


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to MistressOfGa)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: JEALOUSY - 4/28/2008 3:16:26 AM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		What I'm trying to understand is:
1) You took no initiative to involve yourself in the discussions prior to your session
2) You did nothing while everything was happening to your wife
3) You said you wanted to learn but now that the lesson was hard rather than fun, you're lambasting the dominant YOU involved in your marriage
4) You said nothing to him afterwards
5) You are in here pulling the "he done us wrong" card
6) At no time have you acted the dominant (including within this thread)
7) You never stepped up to make yourself part of the session other than as a cuck
8) You didn't take the time to have FRANK discussions about all this on the front end
9) You're presuming that watching was not part of the scene (if you didn't step up, then to anyone looking in - including the Dominant that was such the "bad guy" - you WERE participating ) your participation was precisely the watching
10) That dominant proved to you and your wife (and frankly, even to me, who wasn't even there but has only read your whining and accusations here) that in that instance, while it hurt, you were more than willing to act the cuck than the dom.
11) You are ACTUALLY believing your own line about not stepping in "out of respect to your wife"  (Forget D/s for a moment.. I think that if my very vanilla now ex-husband had been watching me nakedly interacting with someone and wasn't happy with what was going on, "respect for me" at that point would have been the LAST thing on his mind.)

and HE'S the one at fault?

PLEASE!!

You wanted to learn about dominance; he dominated you to such a degree that whether you liked it or not, you submitted. I think you AND your wife have learned a LOT of VERY IMPORTANT lessons here. It's just that the lessons you learned are not the ones that are comfortable to you and are not the ones you expected.

Oh... and just to make this clearer...

A man was walking down the road one cold winter morning. He found a snake on the side of the road frozen. He felt badly about the snake so he picked it up and put it in his jacket. The snake stuttered out "why are you doing this, you know I'm a snake don't you?" The man said he just wanted to help and continued walking. The snake started to thaw out. He repeated himself, "You DO realize I'm a snake don't you?" The man kept on replying that he knew that but that it was ok." The snake eventually thawed out and bit the man. As the snake crawled away, the man, dying said "But why did you bite me. I was only trying to help!" The snake replied, "I'm a snake. I warned you that I was a snake. YOU didn't listen. When I thawed, I just did what snakes do."

And no, the dominant wasn't a snake. He was doing what dominants do. If you didn't pay attention, didn't do your research, didn't make yourself clear at any point, then YOU my friend are the man who put the dominant in your bed with your wife. Quit blaming him for your mistakes.

juliet






< Message edited by julietsierra -- 4/28/2008 3:19:51 AM >

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: JEALOUSY - 4/28/2008 4:48:53 AM   
BCAPCAB


Posts: 15
Joined: 9/28/2006
Status: offline 		to everybody that has posted on here. i thank you very much for your comments about this bad and good.i did indeed learn quite a bit of information, about the degree of my fault,alot more than i had thought.i did not realize that i had the right to stop the scene due to my discomfort.i realize also that there has to be quite a bit of face to face conversation and limits agreed upon and that all parties know limits.i have never shared my wife before with another person without me taking a larger part in the playing i did not realize that i could not handle it and will definintly make it clear that it is an issue with me.
i am hoping that as time goes this issue can be resolved on mypart as well as hers.she did say i did have the right to stop it and she would have understood again my bad and i admit it.i nver intended this to be taken as whing but looking for help and input so i know what to do the next time it occurs and ways to cope with this uncomfortable feeling
aagain thank you very much for you help. it will not happen again now that i know the do's and don'ts



(in reply to julietsierra)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: JEALOUSY - 4/28/2008 5:07:26 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberqueen

Some males enjoy very much being cuckholded, forced to watch, and the Dom may have been used to dealing with that scenario.  If you choose to work with him again you may want to make your needs known more clearly up front.  If he doesn't understand you may need to find another.


Bingo! I doubt anyone has anything to blame themselves for here, but there is a valuable lesson for the OP... communication was obviously lacking, if there had of been and it wasn't going the way it had been agreed then I am sure the OP would have felt He could have called a halt to the precedings and either terminate it or get things back on track.

Wether by choise or by mistake due to lack of clear communication the Dom acted as if in a cuckold situation, which isn't what the OP expected/wanted and as a result the experience was a negative one.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to chamberqueen)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: JEALOUSY - 4/29/2008 9:05:27 AM   
therazor


Posts: 5
Joined: 12/4/2007
Status: offline 		Good Afternoon All,

I am that Cap is speaking of.  I would like to take an opportunity for a reality check here.  I think there some facts that have been left out to give you all a clearer picture of this experience.
  1. The woman he is speaking of is not his wife.  They are not married, they are not engaged.  They are living together.
  2. We agreed and I recieved his agreement specifically that this scene was about her and her needs and desires.
  3. We agreed that their would come a point in that scene that all of my focus would be on her.
  4. During the scene I brought him over and showed him knots and techniques I was using,  I told him why I was doing it and  the desired effect.
  5. There was suppose to be another woman their but he decided to modify the scene without any of the other participants knowledge or consent.  He did that by calling a 30 year old woman's mother of all things.
  6. She fellated me for about five minutes.  I used this as a transition point from the bdsm mind set to the sexual mind set.  I did not ejeculate.
  7. He abuses this woman regularly, both physcially and mentally.  He struck her with a phone and bruised her out of anger just prior to this scene.
  8. He was bound and flogged and sat his naked ass on a milk crate during the scene.  It was explained why we were doing this.
  9. This gentleman contacted me.  When he was comfortable, he asked me to contact the woman and if she agreed we would go with the scene.
There is more but you all get the idea.  I have been at this over twenty years.  If nothing else I am very thorough when it comes to the scene.  In this case especially.

Thank you
Have a good one


< Message edited by therazor -- 4/29/2008 9:12:02 AM >

(in reply to MastrVran)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: JEALOUSY - 4/29/2008 9:12:53 AM   
subtee


Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline 		Just, oy.

_____________________________

Don't believe everything you think...

(in reply to therazor)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: JEALOUSY - 4/29/2008 9:23:21 AM   
BCAPCAB


Posts: 15
Joined: 9/28/2006
Status: offline 		you can have your version as well as i can have mine i guess it is all a matter of perspective.i would suggest we leave all the rest of the details out

(in reply to subtee)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: JEALOUSY - 4/29/2008 9:24:15 AM   
subtee


Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

you can have your version as well as i can have mine i guess it is all a matter of perspective.i would suggest we leave all the rest of the details out


How about y'all leave all the rest of us out?

_____________________________

Don't believe everything you think...

(in reply to BCAPCAB)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: JEALOUSY - 4/29/2008 9:39:26 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		This thread is reaching new levels of entertainment, I didn't think it was possible. 


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to subtee)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: JEALOUSY - 4/29/2008 9:39:33 AM   
therazor


Posts: 5
Joined: 12/4/2007
Status: offline 		Here, Here Subtee

AB- would you care to repudiate anything that I have said?  There is a witness, I keep all emails for a scene for just this kind of problem.   Everything I have stated is fact.  As you well know, I left the really embarrassing crap out.  I have no desire to emasculate you in public.  That serves no purpose.  When I read your post on here I took the problem directly to you, privately and then you blocked me.

I really feel badly for you.  Your desperatiion is palatable, but you will not address your own problems.  What's that line from Jerry McGuire - You had me at hello.  Well bud, you lost her at asshole.



(in reply to subtee)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: JEALOUSY - 4/29/2008 9:46:51 AM   
OldBastardly1


Posts: 651
Joined: 7/22/2006
From: Atlanta, GA
Status: offline 		Damn! I am on the edge of my seat now. I want details. Go ahead and emasculate him. He deserves it for trying to mislead us all and for lying about what happened.

DETAILS!!  

_____________________________

Old Bastard

"You cannot make footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to make buttprints in the sands of time?" -- Bob Moawad



(in reply to therazor)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: JEALOUSY - 4/29/2008 9:50:55 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I say go ahead and finish off the cuck job, especially after hearing the other side of the story.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to OldBastardly1)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: JEALOUSY - 4/29/2008 9:52:17 AM   
MistressOfGa


Posts: 2929
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

This thread is reaching new levels of entertainment, I didn't think it was possible. 





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(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: JEALOUSY - 4/29/2008 9:53:55 AM   
MistressOfGa


Posts: 2929
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OldBastardly1

Damn! I am on the edge of my seat now. I want details. Go ahead and emasculate him. He deserves it for trying to mislead us all and for lying about what happened.

DETAILS!!  


<Sits beside OB> Yes, give it all. We can take it.

MoGa

_____________________________





(in reply to OldBastardly1)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: JEALOUSY - 4/29/2008 9:55:36 AM   
subtee


Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline 		Blech...I see dead people.

From this trainwreck; bodies mangled and bleeding, skulls cracked and caved and brains seeping out on the tracks, limbs rent from torsos, extremities distended and wrenched into seemingly impossible angles, internal organs splayed and the blood...spattered on us all.

Blech, I say.

_____________________________

Don't believe everything you think...

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: JEALOUSY - 4/29/2008 10:00:18 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Drama is as drama does

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to subtee)
Profile   Post #: 60
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