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RE: When to disclose.... - 4/26/2008 9:57:26 PM   
jezzabelle19


Posts: 24
Joined: 4/11/2008
Status: offline 		i agree with what almost all of the people on here have said, early on maybe not the first conversation but soon after that. i myself deal with depression and they are still trying to stabalize my meds so i might have complications (mood swings or anything out of my personality) even though we are close it still might be a problem. so i make sure to tell anyone that i talk with about it so that they know.

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: When to disclose.... - 4/27/2008 12:48:24 AM   
DelilahDeb


Posts: 429
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline 		Fast Reply:
OP... "health information" ... "my illness"

1. physical or mental?
2. physical: contagious?
3. how does it affect interactions (communication, emotions, vanilla activities, scene activities)
4. how MUCH does it affect interactions...

I have had a stroke. I've had lifelong allergies, managed with various success. I've been diagnosed with clinical depression (post-stroke, ate my serotonin). None of these is catching. Some of these events limit my communications, or how I express my emotions, or the vanilla or scene activities I can participate in.

It's still all about communication. For me the upfront of my play partner discussions is that I cannot, do not, will not even attempt role play.
But it's still about communication. When to disclose? Sometime after the first date and before the first scene..IMNSHO.

Delilah Deb

_____________________________

"All acts of love & pleasure are My rituals."
--from the Charge of the Goddess, a Wiccan teaching

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: When to disclose.... - 4/27/2008 1:12:07 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		MzMia said:
 
I don't believe in total disclosure based on 2 or 3 conversations.
People have to earn my trust, I don't just give it away.
No one is perfect, and we all carry baggage.

Whether it be a physical disability, a mental disability, poor life choices, financial issues,
past relationships issues, family issues, job issues, the list goes on and on.
 
I open up little by little and begin to share pieces of myself.
I am glad I have this policy, because normally after a few emails people show their true colors,
and I am glad that I did not share "all" with strangers.
 
Everyone is different.
If some of you "feel the need" to tell "all" about your life to someone after 2 or 3 emails.
Go for it!
I don't!
As always, to each their own.

I didn't read the OP or the subsequent answers as implying that we should TELL ALL. I certainly don't tell all immediately and there are many personal things that people come to know over time and that I wouldn't want to tell a relative stranger. The particular issue at hand was HEALTH and because WIITWD should be SSC or RACK, to Me, it is important that both partners know about the other's health issues in order to make informed consent. This allows play to be adjusted accordingly within parameters appropriate to the people involved. It also allows for a decision to be made of "no, I'm not willing to go there at all with this person in the state of health they are in". I think it's just as important for subs to know about My asthma triggers, My diabetes II and what to do on the rare chance I start showing hypo symptoms as it is for Me to know about their bad knees, and their cardiac pacemaker ... or whatever!

I feel there is a BIG difference between health issues and other personal baggage which doesn't need to be blurted out immediately.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to DelilahDeb)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: When to disclose.... - 4/27/2008 1:23:39 AM   
wulfgarw


Posts: 752
Joined: 3/18/2008
Status: offline 		I like to know as much as I can before play.  All the partners I've played with I try to get as much of a medical history as I can.  Particularly with things that can affect the sub during play, like athsma and nerve damage and heart or respiritory problems or severe allergies, just to name a few.  Some of it determines what kind of play is restricted (gags and TMJ or asthma don't go well together) and what can't be done at all.  I also like them to bring any medications they have, including inhalers, epi-pens, nitro, or whatever and give me a rundown on those.  (A prospective sub I'm talking to has an inhaler.  So it will be with the handcuff keys when/if we play) I also like to know about previously broken bones, surguries or severe sprains.

I would also like for her to write a entire medical history down and put in a envelope to give to EMS if something ever did happen. 

(in reply to DelilahDeb)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: When to disclose.... - 4/27/2008 4:52:13 AM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline 		I would like to thank everyone for their imput it has given me ALOT to think about up until this point I simply have made it known I was sick or that I saw doctors on a normal basis and kind of waited for them to ask questions and when the questions aren't asked I haven't put out any more information. However, as some have said there are those that wont want to or be able to deal and perhaps it is better to know before investing time, energy, and emotion into something. I don't know if I will start off the first conversation by saying hello my name is Nika and I have a medical diagnosis of x, y, and z but I need to find away to put it out there that I am comfortable with and stop waiting for them to ask.
 
Blessed Be,
Nika

< Message edited by SweetNika -- 4/27/2008 4:57:34 AM >

_____________________________

Blessed be,
Nika


(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: When to disclose.... - 4/27/2008 5:00:00 AM   
MontrealPhoenix


Posts: 1526
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline 		Hi Nika,
 
This is a very interesting subject for me.  I have chronic pain due to tendonitis and i've been contemplating putting it in my profile. I sort of flip back and forth between wanting prospective Doms to know and feeling that it's noone's business.
 
That said, i would mention it asap so that he could make an informed decision. I wouldn't want him to invest time then find out that it would be months, potentially as long as a year before we could play.
 
I'm going to read the rest of the thread now in the hopes of getting some info on what the right thing to do is.  Thank you for starting  this thread.
 
Phoenix

_____________________________

"Only in a collar can a woman be truly free"
~Tribesmen of Gor ..pg 75

"He who ties a woman owns her"
~Guardsman Of Gor pg 267



(in reply to SweetNika)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: When to disclose.... - 4/27/2008 5:16:27 AM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline 		Putting it in my profile is something I have done in a generalized way in the past,however; it felt wrong to me. It felt like I was putting to much personal information out there to the public eye. So I doubt if I could put specifics regarding my health issues in my profile. -laughs- To me that is almost like putting my social security number there.
 
Blessed Be,
Nika

_____________________________

Blessed be,
Nika


(in reply to MontrealPhoenix)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: When to disclose.... - 4/27/2008 5:20:01 AM   
MladyHathor


Posts: 510
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline 		I agree with others here, I'd disclose it as early as possible.

_____________________________

The Mistress Hathor, always and forever, much to the disdain and discomfort of others.

(in reply to SweetNika)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: When to disclose.... - 4/27/2008 5:23:19 AM   
bookworm966


Posts: 45
Joined: 10/4/2004
Status: offline 		Personally, I judge how soon to share based on how the relationship is going.  My profile plainly states my bipolar disorder, but I have other issues that affect play.  I only share that when I am actually in a situation where play is possible.  But everyone gets to experience my mood swings, no matter how superficial the relationship *grin*.

_____________________________

When I have a little money, I buy books. If I have any left, I buy food and clothes. Erasmus

(in reply to SweetNika)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: When to disclose.... - 4/27/2008 5:39:46 AM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline 		I was up front from the beginning.. i have an illness and its nothing to be ashamed of, and I need to know that they are strong enough to cope with medical stuff when it comes up *and* that they are willing to make certain sacrifices because of my health needs. If your illness is something that will impact on your BDSMrelationship then you should abosolutely let your partner know- you have a responsibility to be just as fair to them as you require them to be to you.

If they are frightened off by that ... their loss ... but you also have a responsibility to deal with your own crap (guilt/fear/worry/lowself image .. whatever) that goes hand in hand with a serious illness and not hang all that on them as well. I didn't seek out (or commit to - much to the annoyance of Some) a serious BDSM relationship until my medical health and emotional health was as sorted as it could be.

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio





(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: When to disclose.... - 4/27/2008 5:58:59 AM   
MontrealPhoenix


Posts: 1526
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline 		Yeah, i have to agree with you there. I think i'll keep it on a need-to-know basis, that is the Doms who are considering me as their slave. Other than that, it's really not anyone's business.
 
Phoenix

_____________________________

"Only in a collar can a woman be truly free"
~Tribesmen of Gor ..pg 75

"He who ties a woman owns her"
~Guardsman Of Gor pg 267



(in reply to SweetNika)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: When to disclose.... - 4/27/2008 6:49:39 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		I think it depends upon the illness.  I disclose quickly that I have low blood sugar.  If I don't eat every three hours (on average) I get very sick, my personality changes, and I can pass out.  That is important for a Master to know whether He is meeting me for dinner in public (so He knows that the time cannot vary much) or during a session.  What He might think is subspace is me losing my mental acuity.

If I believe that a relationship is going somewhere, then I explain that I have battled depression for over 20 years, currently not on medicine and doing fairly well, but that I need to watch myself for tendencies of it coming back.  About the same time I explain about a car accident I was in when I was 16 that led to many more surgeries and a lot of scarring.  (Funny, most men are very good at overlooking scars.)

A lot depends upon the seriousness of your health issue and how much it will play into a session.  I can't wear high heels - no big deal to most but something that would turn a fetishist off immediately.  If you problem is something like HIV or herpes, definitely make it known before a session so that you two can play safely.  I would also say this is true if it is anything that the public would easily notice.  (I let my Master know in advance that I walk with a slight limp.  If I am tired it is enough to call public attention to myself.  Other times it is barely noticeable, but I would feel dishonest if I didn't let him know.)

You certainly don't need to broadcast it.  Use the "Would it affect a session?" rule to start if you're comfortable with that, and go into details when you feel you are ready.


_____________________________



(in reply to SweetNika)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: When to disclose.... - 4/27/2008 7:12:34 AM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline 		Here's another approach: how soon would you want to be told of the things you have to tell someone else? Maybe looking at it from the other perspective will help you see what you should do?



(in reply to SweetNika)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: When to disclose.... - 4/27/2008 7:28:58 AM   
pinkwind


Posts: 367
Joined: 1/9/2005
Status: offline 		Nika, i put my health problems on my profile while i was looking, so that anyone who contacted me would at least know i had such issues. At the time my only problem was Multiple Sclerosis, time and arthritis have made the situation worse, but that's life.

When people did make contact with me i made sure that we talked about my health, how it would impact on a relationship, gave them sites to look at and was not surprised or upset when some folk backed off, some people just did not want to take on someone with health issues at the outset.

What i found by being upfront and open was that those who did keep up contact, who wanted to become my Dom at the time could see beyond what ailed me to the person i was, and i found not only my first Dom who is still part of my life, but also my Master, a wonderful human being who not only took me to his heart, but into his home, and with whom i see a relationship stretching into infinity.

Personally, the sooner you disclose your health problems the sooner you can get past them and on to forming a relationship, and know that you have attracted someone who has made an informed choice to go beyond those problems.


(in reply to SweetNika)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: When to disclose.... - 4/27/2008 9:32:50 AM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline 		Once again I want to thank everyone for their imput, it has helped. I decided to add this line to my profile, I took the idea from something that Iron Bear has in his. (lol) This way it is out there yet, I don't feel as if I am making personal information public.
 
Please note: I also have a couple of disabilities which I am happy to discuss if it is deemed applicable.
 
Blessed be,
Nika

< Message edited by SweetNika -- 4/27/2008 9:34:41 AM >

_____________________________

Blessed be,
Nika


(in reply to pinkwind)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: When to disclose.... - 4/27/2008 9:36:18 AM   
Guilty1974


Posts: 467
Joined: 11/2/2005
From: Den Haag
Status: offline 		I'd like to know such things early on, but certainly if play would be a possibility. Bondage can be dangerous, so would like to know about any physical or psychological issues up front so I can think of a way to deal with that properly.

As for myself, I suffer from celiac disease and milk allergy, so anyone entering our house will be informed (how) not contaminate my diet food with gluten or milk

(in reply to pinkwind)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: When to disclose.... - 4/27/2008 10:14:52 AM   
Poetryinpain


Posts: 341
Joined: 3/20/2008
Status: offline 		As I said earlier, one disability is obvious from my pics. The other becomes clear as one reads my journal. Other issues that may affect play will be disclosed when play is discussed.

I have always said: I don't want to be loved because of my disabilities; I don't want to be loved in spite of my disabilities; I want to be loved with my disabilities.

pip D.I.S.Abled (Doing It Sitting Abled)

_____________________________

There is none so blind as he who will not see.

(in reply to Guilty1974)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: When to disclose.... - 4/27/2008 10:25:37 AM   
AMaster


Posts: 814
Joined: 8/4/2005
Status: offline 		I'd like to know before the first meeting.  If there is some limit to the type of play you can indulge in, it is important to get that out early.  No disability is a deal breaker, but I need to know what I am getting into.

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: When to disclose.... - 4/27/2008 10:28:35 AM   
metalmiss


Posts: 341
Joined: 5/4/2005
From: Croydon, UK
Status: offline 		i always tell potential partners very early on about my health issues.. That way it can be taken into account from the very begininning.. It's the only real way to ensure that you're starting on a completely level field, with open, honest & clear communication..

If somebody can't deal with or understand your illness.. Then in all probability sweetie.. Its their loss.


_____________________________

"The longing to serve, to submit, to abandon oneself sexually, emotionally, and physically makes one a slave either to a Man, a Woman or to God. Submission to that passion is divine degradation." - Dorothy C. Hayden

Owned by RavenMuse

(in reply to SweetNika)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: When to disclose.... - 4/27/2008 1:35:19 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Once we both realize we both are interested in each other I am upfront right then and there. I let them make the choice of whether they wish to continue further with me or not.

I feel it's a waste of time to not do so because I know for me I would rather someone be honest and open about themselves right from the beginning. I know there are some illnesses or disabilities that are going to be a dealbreaker for me.

No time like the present in my book.

(in reply to SweetNika)
Profile   Post #: 40
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