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RE: When to disclose.... - 5/4/2008 9:58:14 AM

TJsCheekypet

Posts: 109
Joined: 4/18/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetNika

I have found myself single once more and am trying to figure out when I am getting to know a dominant when I should disclose health information regarding myself.

In disclosing this information I am forced to face my fears but also I am forced to face the possibility that someone may simply not understand my illness. I don’t want someone to see me as my diagnosis, yet I don’t want them to feel as if I am hiding it from them either.

If you suffer from an illness when would or have you told a dominant?
If you are a dominant when would you want to be told?

Thank you for the imput.

Blessed Be,
Nika

i dont think its as easy as people think it is to always disclose the fact that you are ill to someone you dont know very well, it can somtimes raise deep discussion that you arent comfortable with early on.

i have Multiple Sclerosis, i hate having to tell anyone about my condition as i dont consider myself 'ill'. im not visibly disabled so im lucky that unless i actually mention it then nobody can tell just by looking at me, i do however suffer with double vision & other small internal disabilities. When i met Sir TJ i was so afraid that He may look at me differently if i told Him, so i didnt, but then it got harder to tell Him as time went by & when He decided to take our relationship to the next phase (consideration) i felt then i was forced to tell Him. Sir was so very understanding & He only asked if it would in any way affect His use of me in any way, which i assured Him was NO! Help the Dominant understand your illness, explain it as simply & as outright as you possibly can.
i wish you luck.

< Message edited by TJsCheekypet -- 5/4/2008 10:44:22 AM >

_____________________________

my words are just my two cents, my opinions. Not words to live by & not set in stone.

previously known as 'blissy'/now Sir T.J's pet

(in reply to SweetNika)

Post #: 61

RE: When to disclose.... - 5/4/2008 11:21:58 AM

Deliena

Posts: 623
Joined: 6/16/2007
From: Darlington, United Kingdom
Status: offline

Well I have a daughter and am bi-polar and when dealing with any form of relationship I have always tended to disclose both as early as possible on the basis that if you take me on you take all of me, if any part of who I am isn't what you want you have to decide how that affects the decision of whether to spend time with me or not.

I come as a package deal, some people can deal, some can't, those that can I get to enjoy, those that can't I hope find satisfying relationships elsewhere.

(in reply to TJsCheekypet)

Post #: 62

RE: When to disclose.... - 5/4/2008 11:41:53 AM

TJsCheekypet

Posts: 109
Joined: 4/18/2008
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you have the best attitude, keep thinking that way. i mean just cos you have a daughter & bi polar does not mean that you arent worthy of finding the perfect 'One'! hang in there & dont give up...

_____________________________

my words are just my two cents, my opinions. Not words to live by & not set in stone.

previously known as 'blissy'/now Sir T.J's pet

(in reply to Deliena)

Post #: 63

RE: When to disclose.... - 5/4/2008 11:54:12 AM

Deliena

Posts: 623
Joined: 6/16/2007
From: Darlington, United Kingdom
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Thanks! What a lovely response (blushes), I am lucky enough currently to be in a relationship with someone who persued me for 3 months (he's 8 years younger than me and I had only been out of a 10 year relationship for 6 months when we met so was VERY cautious) and on our first date we talked about both things. On the second day he met my daughter (not as a b/f or Master, but simply as someone mummy knows) and from that moment forwards has been a part of my life, gradually becoming more and more important to me. I honestly believe that if I hadn't been as open about those two key issues we wouldn't be as happy as we are and perhaps it would have been a fleeting liaison rather than what is becoming a very serious relationship.

(in reply to TJsCheekypet)

Post #: 64

RE: When to disclose.... - 5/4/2008 11:58:50 AM

TJsCheekypet

Posts: 109
Joined: 4/18/2008
Status: offline

Bless, i hope everything turns out wonderfully for you both (and your daughter too)
i just call things as i see them, im pretty simple minded, i dont believe in deep thinking although i do tend to over think things so ive been told a time or three

- just because you are a little 'different' does not in any way mean that you cannot lead the life you want to live.

{{hugs}}

_____________________________

my words are just my two cents, my opinions. Not words to live by & not set in stone.

previously known as 'blissy'/now Sir T.J's pet

(in reply to Deliena)

Post #: 65

RE: When to disclose.... - 5/4/2008 12:01:47 PM

Deliena

Posts: 623
Joined: 6/16/2007
From: Darlington, United Kingdom
Status: offline

Liking you more and more - and thanks for the hugs, you can never have too many of them (IMO)

(in reply to TJsCheekypet)

Post #: 66

RE: When to disclose.... - 5/4/2008 12:05:58 PM

HornyToadsMI

Posts: 287
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

If they are someone you are interested in "scening" with, then yes, let them know. For example, I have rhematoid arthritis. You cant tell from looking at me. I am unable to hold positions for long periods of time. If your condition is something they cannot deal with, then they do not deserve your submission. If they truely are interested or care for you, they will respect your condition, and work around it. :)

_____________________________

i have the best job in the world - my Boss whips me!!!

Go with your gut - yes, I am being a Smart Ass!

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 67

RE: When to disclose.... - 5/5/2008 2:01:19 AM

TJsCheekypet

Posts: 109
Joined: 4/18/2008
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you're welcome for the hugs.. i'm sure everything will turn out just fine. Remember just always be true to yourself.

< Message edited by TJsCheekypet -- 5/5/2008 2:02:43 AM >

_____________________________

my words are just my two cents, my opinions. Not words to live by & not set in stone.

previously known as 'blissy'/now Sir T.J's pet

(in reply to Deliena)

Post #: 68

RE: When to disclose.... - 5/5/2008 2:52:55 AM

MissMorrigan

Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline

Beautifully stated.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level
Very early on, it's only fair, and I disclose the same. If someone truly wants you, then they'll take you in your entirety.

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The Tooth Fairy who teaches kids to sell body parts for money.

A free society is a society where it is safe to find one's self unpopular and where history has shown that exceptions are not that exceptional.

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 69

RE: When to disclose.... - 5/5/2008 5:59:23 AM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

I say trust your intuition, but I'm one for disclosing early, as soon as possible and relative to both the seriousness of the condition and the impact it has on the relationship. I'd much rather be rejected for who I really am than accepted for who I'm not.

On the flip side I'm happy to know when someone feels comfortable enough to share with me their issues. I don't differentiate between health issues, emotional baggage, and so on. I see getting to know someone's issues as a major step forward in getting to know someone.

I learned long ago that if you set standards for other people to live up to then you spend an awful lot of time disappointed.

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(in reply to MissMorrigan)

Post #: 70

RE: When to disclose.... - 5/5/2008 6:27:34 AM

MissMorrigan

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Joined: 1/15/2005
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Stella, I expect people to treat me with the openness I extend to them. We're human beings, we all have something that a partner is going to have to deal with whether that is at the onset of a relationship or later on. If I am interested in a person, I crave knowledge of them, I want to know as much as i possibly can while enjoying the journey of discovering more that only time and intimacy can possibly reveal.

Had I put on my profile: 44 year old dominant female with eczema, asthma, arthritic foot which cripples me for some months of the year, is obese and snores - I am sure my submissive partner would not have written initially. During the course of our initial conversations my health issues were discussed and they weren't mentioned IMMEDIATELY b/c they are a small part of who I am. Thankfully Reality took the time to get to know me, he saw a woman with a zest for life that is almost child-like, we have a great deal in common and we find so much to laugh about together every day.

When a person places their health issues/disabilities ahead of anything else in terms of importance other people are going to share that view.

_____________________________

The Tooth Fairy who teaches kids to sell body parts for money.

A free society is a society where it is safe to find one's self unpopular and where history has shown that exceptions are not that exceptional.

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 71

RE: When to disclose.... - 5/5/2008 1:16:32 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMorrigan

Stella, I expect people to treat me with the openness I extend to them. We're human beings, we all have something that a partner is going to have to deal with whether that is at the onset of a relationship or later on. If I am interested in a person, I crave knowledge of them, I want to know as much as i possibly can while enjoying the journey of discovering more that only time and intimacy can possibly reveal.

Had I put on my profile: 44 year old dominant female with eczema, asthma, arthritic foot which cripples me for some months of the year, is obese and snores - I am sure my submissive partner would not have written initially. During the course of our initial conversations my health issues were discussed and they weren't mentioned IMMEDIATELY b/c they are a small part of who I am. Thankfully Reality took the time to get to know me, he saw a woman with a zest for life that is almost child-like, we have a great deal in common and we find so much to laugh about together every day.

When a person places their health issues/disabilities ahead of anything else in terms of importance other people are going to share that view.

Yes but this is a BDSM website, not a doctor's surgery. I see your point and share it, as quite often an issue can become a bigger issue if you make it that way.

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(in reply to MissMorrigan)

Post #: 72

RE: When to disclose.... - 5/5/2008 2:04:50 PM

SweetNika

Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline

Oddly enough since posting this, I have discussed my illness with a couple of Doms that I have known awhile, casually as friends who had no idea. In fact they didn't understand why I was afraid to tell them. -laughs- I was afraid because my former owner in the end only saw me for my illness and used it as an excuse to justify some very hurtful behavior. I agree with what someone said, you either accept all of me or none of me, if they can not accept all of me even my illness then they are not the person for me. I also realized that in being fearful of how people reacted to my illness and assuming all "men" would react as my former owner gave him power over me still, power he no longer has a right to and power that was/is unhealthy. So in disclosing this to people in my inner circle I am taking back that power. I want to thank those that gave me input - it did help me with this very personal struggle.

blessed be,
Nika

< Message edited by SweetNika -- 5/5/2008 2:06:32 PM >

_____________________________

Blessed be,
Nika

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 73

RE: When to disclose.... - 5/5/2008 2:47:27 PM

BrigandDoom

Posts: 155
Joined: 12/29/2007
From: Nottingham
Status: offline

I've always believed in being full and frank, and I have aways disclosed all the relevant facts about me, any baggage and any potential problems. As I am upfront with any potential partner I believe they too should be upfront and honest if they have problems than need to be disclosed. Considering the gift of submission is a very big step I can not see any justification for hiding something that may raise its ugly head in years to come. There is an huge amount of trust in a D/s relationship. If there are any issues, either personal or physical, why see them as problem? Why not look at the as a challenge that can be either overcome or circumvented so both partners can get the fullest possible pleasure from the relationship,. I have had a sub with cerbal palsy and a slave who was profoundly deaf in the past and yes, in both cases it was challenging, but ultimately fulfilling as we found sensible and often "interesting"

ways of surmounting the problems we encountered.

_____________________________

Brigand Doom

There is only one, accept no alternatives!

(in reply to SweetNika)

Post #: 74

RE: When to disclose.... - 5/5/2008 4:32:55 PM

LPslittleclip

Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline

early is good to disclose health issues. for me it was not during the on line conversations but it was on the first real time meeting before any play happened. I'm a nurse and i wouldn't freak out even if the partner had HIV. but some folks are different i can understand that.

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 75

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