What to do?

What to do? (Full Version)

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megan2007 -> What to do? (4/27/2008 2:14:31 AM)
Deep breath Ok, this post will probably not make a lot of sense, but I'm going to try, anyways. My first experience of sub frenzy, when I first realy stepped out of my personal "kink closet" and joined CM here, included what could have potentialy led to an if not dangerous, then at least highly destructive encounter with a dominant who....would not have been safe to play with. However, due to the (thankfully) interference of my past dominant, and my own mentor (once I was made to TELL my mentor, about the things I had been keeping from him, about this dominant I never actualy ended up meeting), in the end, I obviously, did not meet up with the one who would have likely proven unsafe. Now, I have MANY reasons to hate my first/thus far only, ex-dominant, personaly. Mostly centered around why I had to turn him into the police. However, he was never an unsafe player. Sometimes callous, but not unsafe. The first dominant that I started talking seriously to though (the one I never met), would have definatly proven to be unsafe, at least in the fact that he kept pushing (in our conversations via email and phone) about more and more activities should we meet and play, and since I was so unsure of everything back then (had never even SEEN a real flogger in real life, and so on), I found myself agree'ing over time, to everything. And eventualy it got to the point in our conversations, that I was even saying that if I agreed to something beforehand, but then changed my mind, I guessed I'd have to go through with it anyways, even if I did'nt want to... WHICH IS NOT HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE, and I KNOW that now, I think I knew it in my heart then, but by that point, I was so...enthralled, I guess would be an appropriate term And when he got me to say that, all he would say in response was "Remember you said that...I'll remind you that you said that." Any good dominant would have told me that no, I had the RIGHT to change my mind if I wanted to, even last minute, hell even as the situation was going ON, if that's what happened. Considering I was'nt his, in any shape or fashion. I know now, that what he said, as well as my agree'ing to go along with just about anything, was wrong. But at the time...Yeah, sub frenzy IS real, at least for many. Ok, long story short. This same dominant, has resurfaced after a long period of time of not being active, within a kink group that I belong to. I have warned some of the people in the group, about him already. But not all of them know, obviously. Now it seems he'll be showing up at the group's meetings (as well as meetings for other local groups, but I cant do anything about that). Considering our group is for younger kinksters, many of which are just starting to explore their feelings about things, and have little to no real life experiences in the lifestyle... What do I do? I mean, on the one hand, I want to go to ALL of them, the active members at least, and warn them. On the other hand, as I never did actualy meet the guy, nothing actualy happened to warrant the warning. And I freely admit I was STUIPED to have gotten to the point where I was agree'ing to lots of things I knew better then to, in our phone and email conversations. Hopefully, I'll be the only one that was that stuiped. Though I sadly doubt it. I dont want to commit slander. But I hate the idea of him pulling that act on one of these others whom are young (I think I might be the oldest member of the groupL) and still fairly "innocent". I would appreciate suggestions, comments, feedback... And if any of the people I know from the group, who are also on this site, want to know more about it, just contact me on the otherside.

Aileen1968 -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 2:36:33 AM)
I think you should mind your own business. Just because he didn't fit your qualifications for a dominant doesn't mean he isn't perfect for someone else. And don't assume that because you weren't able to make proper, grown up adult decisions that others will be just as clueless.

megan2007 -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 2:54:42 AM)
Aileen, you are correct in the fact that I was not (self admittedly) making the right decisions and could have gotten myself into trouble, becouse of it, at that time. And true, he could certainly prove to be perfect for someone else, for all that I know. I guess what concerns me, is that of the group I mentioned, most of them are not only young (which, I KNOW, does not equate to being incapable of making rational decisions), but are also quite inexperienced. Which DOES have an effect on making decisions, sometimes. However, I did ask for advice, and I appreciate your feedback, thank you!

RCdc -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 3:01:25 AM)
Oh goodie - Blacklisting - one of the worst hate crimes. Look, even if he 'was' an idiot when you knew him, you have no clue as to wheather he has moved on. You state that this has been 'after a long period of time'. He may be completely different now - he may not have been the type of player you enjoyed. Who knows. But I would not trust the word of a person who admits to making bad mistakes repeatedly anyway. I find your behaviour disgusting, manipulative - apart from possibly libelous - you should mind your own business. Looks like he's moved on, time you did to. the.dark.

megan2007 -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 3:16:38 AM)
Thoughtful nod You're right actualy. It's intirely possible that he is much different now then he was then. I honestly had'nt considered that. Bad mistakes repeatedly? Shakes head I'm not going to get into that one. Suffice it to say that if you are refferencing to my mentioning of my actual ex-dominant, I did not know about THAT situation, which ended up with my going to the police with what I found out, until the very moment that I found it out. I do appreciate your advice as well, and I believe both you and Aileen have very good points. Which, is one of the reasons that I came to the board with this issue, to seek out the advice of others, as well as points of view outside my own. So thank you for the feedback.

camille65 -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 4:29:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: megan2007 I have warned some of the people in the group, about him already. But not all of them know, obviously. On the other hand, as I never did actualy meet the guy, nothing actualy happened to warrant the warning. And I freely admit I was STUIPED to have gotten to the point where I was agree'ing to lots of things I knew better then to, in our phone and email conversations. So you want to trash someones reputation even though you never met him??Wow that strikes me as a really awful thing to do [&o] especially when you say it was your own stupidity that had you agreeing to things 'online'. Please reconsider what you are doing, but most importantly why.

sirsholly -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 4:36:51 AM)
For the life of me i really can't see what this guy did that you find so offensive. Granted you were a new sub but that does not negate your responsibility to educate yourself. You have the means via the internet. If he suggested someting you were not aware of a simple "i'll get back to you on that" would have given you the time to research what he was talking about. my humble [sm=2cents.gif][sm=2cents.gif]

Maya2001 -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 4:55:20 AM)
I will have to agree with the others ... you have no proof that he is dangerous and there is nothing unusual about dominants trying to push limits and it does not make him unsafe for doing so, by agreeing and then renegging it make you appear like your just baiting and teasing him ...so to a Dom you appear to basically a person pretending to be a sub(the player) which results in frustrated doms and then gives other young newbie subs a bad reputation of not being serious and dishonest and makes it harder for them to get started out, depending on one's POV it can be you that looks like the terrible one who is just using people

SweetNika -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 5:11:37 AM)
The reality is many people will see you as someone who is jaded and can't let go because the reality is your not at this point. In my opinion by "making people aware" you picking at an old scab and not letting yourself move on or heal. If being in the same group with this man makes you uncomfy rather than trying to black list him why not simply find a new group or perhaps even communicate with him that you are uncomfortable and why and perhaps with communication you can come to some kind of understanding. Perhaps you should remember he has as much right to be there as you do weather you "like" him personally or not. Blessed Be, Nika

MladyHathor -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 5:36:08 AM)
Fisr of all, a good and a brave post--its not easy to admit to making a mistake----given that---things squeak people up---what might freak you won't freak Me, but it does---its called preferences and we are all allowed to have them. However, as has stated-- maturity says you learn from your mistakes and that's that. You cannot go around slamming people because you had a red warning flag. I am sure writing this helped cleanse a bit--learn from the experience and be dignified---and if he starts crap---hold your ground and don't get sucked in.

windchymes -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 5:51:01 AM)
You say you're one of the oldest members of your group. Rather than "blacklist" one particular person, why not put together a sort of "educational" program for newer/younger members, teaching them safety and common sense tips and giving them advice in a general way without naming anyone specific? That way, they can be forewarned about how to recognize ANY potentially "unsafe" behavior.....this guy isn't the only one who might join up that is, he's just one that you know about. Also, there are subs like yourself in sub-frenzy or who are just immature who, no matter how much you warn them, they'll do what they want anyway. Those, unfortunately, you just have to let learn from their own mistakes. You can't save them all.

chamberqueen -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 6:25:03 AM)
I whole heartedly agree with the teaching angle. It is not unusual, if someone says they will do something, for the other to want to hold them to that. I can't imagine telling my Dom I would do something, planning it out with Him, and then suddenly say, "oops, I really don't want to". Maybe one thing you could teach is to 'say what you mean and mean what you say'.

MsStarlett -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 6:35:54 AM)
There is a BIG difference between Fantasy and Reality! Typing on the internet is just a Fantasy! What a person writes about or talks about on the phone is often completely different from what they do in Real life. The fact that you never actually met this person means that you have no idea what he realy does or does not do. You can warn people that he creeped you out. That's all.

kiwisub12 -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 6:36:52 AM)
It would be a great program as Windchymes said - you could include things like safety calls, and what different activities are, and ways to say no gracefully. I'll get back to you on that is a really nice way to say no. Generic info with specific examples would help the concrete thinkers among us - for example you could give the example of agreeing with something in principle, while reserving the right to change your mind (wink wink). the things you found to be red flags could be discussed but in a very broad way as not to point fingers. And if you peruse these threads you will find many others. good luck and happy educating.

batshalom -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 6:37:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: megan2007 Thoughtful nod You're right actualy. It's intirely possible that he is much different now then he was then. I honestly had'nt considered that. I didn't see anything wrong with the things he was saying, quite frankly. Saving everyone else from themselves is a control issue and extremely manipulative - it is neither your job nor your right to paint this person in a bad light just because he didn't say things you didn't like. A "good" Dominant may or may not do such a thing as explain that you have the right to say no at any time - such basic knowledge is what maturity and common sense are for. If you are concerned about the welfare of other subs, work with others (and with yourself) to develop a healthy sense of self.

HornyToadsMI -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 6:37:16 AM)
This has happened to us in our other kink.....swinging. We met a couple who went from being good friends with benefits, to stalkers, to friends again, to stalkers, to the wife wanting to start up a private relationship with Boss. Karma is a bitch, and you cannot control the actions of others. So, no matter how much to say about the evil Dom, some poor girl is going to fall for him, like you did. That is the nature of his nature.... Life catches up with us, and our reputations can preceed us. With that said, he will burn enough bridges in time that he will no longer be invited places. That is what happed to the couple above. The wife pulled her act of "poor me......he doesn't treat me well......can I cry on your shoulder, and dont tell your wife" on too many people, and they stopped getting invited out. Karma is a bitch....lol.

MissSCD -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 6:41:06 AM)
*Snap out of it. I know that sounds rude, but that is what I had to tell myself in the situation you are in.* *If that Dom was abusive to you, why in the world would you want to subject him to others?* *I have always helped subs in times like this to realize their self value, and will continue.* *You may email me here at CollarMe, and I will talk with you.* *Regards, MissSCD*

RavenMuse -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 6:57:12 AM)
I'm not going to pillory you for wanting to warn others about something you 'know' to be dangerous, however as you have probably worked out there is nothing you can do. If someone asks for your opinion you can share it, but otherwise anything you do can and probably will be seen in a negative light, that you have a personal axe to grind because all there is here are two peoples different perspectives and to someone who knows neither of you then why should either be believed. Most will give the benifit of the doubt till THEY see something odd for themselves. Someone trying to force a negative opinion of another is likely to be seen as the one in the wrong. Blacklists would be fine in a world where everyone was always 100% honest and known to be.... that world doesn't exist and hence blacklists DON'T work.

KatyLied -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 7:02:42 AM)
quote: Now, I have MANY reasons to hate my first/thus far only, ex-dominant, personaly. Is this the guy who you almost met but didn't and may have been unsafe but you'll never know for sure yet you have dedicated a thread to him? Your safety police is showing.

Evility -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 7:19:55 AM)
Precisely what did this guy do wrong? What did he do other than telegraph signals to you very clearly that indicated that the two of you were not compatible? You never met him. You never played with him. I understand that you seem to mean well but go easy with the scarlet letter syndrome. It'll come back to haunt you.

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