RE: What to do?

RE: What to do? (Full Version)

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KatyLied -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 7:33:10 AM)
oops posting error

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 10:26:08 AM)
An excellent example of how most times subs crying "bad dom" are really just scared naive things with an over inflated sense of self importance.

megan2007 -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 10:39:11 AM)
I want to thank everyone that took the time to write a response to my post. Even those whom thought that I was only trying to blacklist someone. In our community, as RavenMuse put it, such things would be a good idea, if everyone were honest, but of course, not everyone is. And no, KatyLied, the one I'm concerned about that I mentioned indepth here, was the one that I never actualy met in person. There was anouther whom I was sub to, whom I had to actualy turn into the police for something I found out. And if the.dark thinks that's a sign of poor personal judgement on my part, she has every right to that opinion. But these were two completly seperate individuals and circumstances. windchymes's suggestion of an education program is one that the group I mentioned belonging to, has already discussed, but never actualy done, and I think that I will encourage that, if possible, thank you windchymes for the suggestion. And yes, in a fashion that does'nt point fingers. I was of mixed mind originaly, in bringing this issue to the board here, I knew that I would get slammed by some. However, in life one must learn to have a semi-thick skin, when it comes to some things. I also knew however, that I would get (hopefully anyways) valuable feedback, advice and opinions from other viewpoints. All of which I have gotten, and as I said, I do thank everyone who bothered to reply. I believe that though it is my first instinct to try to protect others; the rather pointed observations that more then one person has made here, of how just becouse -I- made unclear judgements when talking to this person, about what I was and was'nt ready and willing for, does'nt mean that others whom I know, who may meet him, will...is very valid. And again, this is an example of what seeking advice can bring, points of view outside one's own thoughts and opinions, and concepts that becouse they are outside of such, one might not have considered otherwise. And while I may not like the manner in which some expressed their views, I dont hesitate to take the consideration of the view itself, in mind. Again, my thanks to everyone who took the time to reply, in whatever fashion.

SimplyMichael -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 12:15:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross An excellent example of how most times subs crying "bad dom" are really just scared naive things with an over inflated sense of self importance. LA, thanks for saying it, my post calling her a bad name was deleted but this is just as good.

Aileen1968 -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 12:16:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross An excellent example of how most times subs crying "bad dom" are really just scared naive things with an over inflated sense of self importance. LA, thanks for saying it, my post calling her a bad name was deleted but this is just as good. Michael...you would never call anyone a bad name. [;)]

SimplyMichael -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 12:18:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: megan2007 I want to thank everyone that took the time to write a response to my post. Even those whom thought that I was only trying to blacklist someone. In our community, as RavenMuse put it, such things would be a good idea, if everyone were honest, but of course, not everyone is. And no, KatyLied, the one I'm concerned about that I mentioned indepth here, was the one that I never actualy met in person. There was anouther whom I was sub to, whom I had to actualy turn into the police for something I found out. And if the.dark thinks that's a sign of poor personal judgement on my part, she has every right to that opinion. But these were two completly seperate individuals and circumstances. windchymes's suggestion of an education program is one that the group I mentioned belonging to, has already discussed, but never actualy done, and I think that I will encourage that, if possible, thank you windchymes for the suggestion. And yes, in a fashion that does'nt point fingers. I was of mixed mind originaly, in bringing this issue to the board here, I knew that I would get slammed by some. However, in life one must learn to have a semi-thick skin, when it comes to some things. I also knew however, that I would get (hopefully anyways) valuable feedback, advice and opinions from other viewpoints. All of which I have gotten, and as I said, I do thank everyone who bothered to reply. I believe that though it is my first instinct to try to protect others; the rather pointed observations that more then one person has made here, of how just becouse -I- made unclear judgements when talking to this person, about what I was and was'nt ready and willing for, does'nt mean that others whom I know, who may meet him, will...is very valid. And again, this is an example of what seeking advice can bring, points of view outside one's own thoughts and opinions, and concepts that becouse they are outside of such, one might not have considered otherwise. And while I may not like the manner in which some expressed their views, I dont hesitate to take the consideration of the view itself, in mind. Again, my thanks to everyone who took the time to reply, in whatever fashion. I am more worried about people like you in the scene than I am about "bad doms" In all my years of running a group and owning a play space, it was a submissive who no matter who she played with got "violated" that I banned. If you can't set healthy boundaries, if you can't see drama comming and avoid it, I don't want you around me.

BossyShoeBitch -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 12:48:03 PM)
I read the opening post twice to make sure I didn't misunderstand what she was saying... I have an idea.. Granted, it's a bit risky but we here are all risk takers of one form or another, aren't we? Here's my idea... Ready? ..... ..... How about you TALK to the "guy who you almost met but didn't and may have been unsafe but you'll never know for sure yet you have dedicated a thread to him" maybe even engage in grown-up, face to face conversation and tell him, "you know, it freaked me out when you said "x or y or z" and it made me feel nervous and scared and I think you are a big poophead for that." Perhaps you might even get a "Well, yeah, perhaps that wasn't the best tactic to use....." That may work much better than the schoolyard tactics "Pssst.. Don't be friends with that kid, he doesn't know how to do things the way I like them done, even though I didn't know that I was supposed to communicate that to him.. I thought Dominants could read minds... Well can't they?" I would feel really badly if I were you when the Dominant male in question confronts you for badmouthing him. I think you should start with, "I'm sorry"

missfrillypants -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 12:52:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: windchymes You say you're one of the oldest members of your group. Rather than "blacklist" one particular person, why not put together a sort of "educational" program for newer/younger members, teaching them safety and common sense tips and giving them advice in a general way without naming anyone specific? That way, they can be forewarned about how to recognize ANY potentially "unsafe" behavior.....this guy isn't the only one who might join up that is, he's just one that you know about. if you are going to do ANYTHING, this is the best plan.

megan2007 -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 1:09:09 PM)
This is in reply to BossyShoeBitch, A good suggestion, of speaking to him earnestly, one that SweetNika already suggested originaly here, and which I may well do. As she put it, I may not like him personaly, but he has as much right to belong to the group and associate with whomever, unless he actualy did prove to do something that would get him removed/'blacklisted'. I have made my decision, and will take the route that many have suggested here. My personal considerations of the man are just that, mine. And unless he actualy did do something unsafe, or violating someone's hard limits, etc etc...Then I have no reason or right, to do or say, anything else against him. If asked for my opinion, I would give it, but otherwise I will keep my opinions to myself. Again, though I knew I'd get roasted, I made my opening post anyways, seeking just what I found, the opinions, advice and mindsets other then my own, to make it so that I -did'nt- act unrationaly. There are a few people whom (as I have already stated), I told about what had happened in communication with him, they are however, balenced individuals whom I believe will judge for themselves. Again, my thanks to all who provided their own views and insights to this matter.

DesFIP -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 1:20:05 PM)
What you're describing is something called consensual nonconsent, which means giving up your right to stop something. Now, it's not something I do, because I'm likely to have an anxiety attack under those circumstances. However it is not a per se dangerous activity if you know yourself. Some people thrive in such circumstances. People like this in r/l become Marines or Navy Seals for example. You don't say no when a drill sergeant yells "Drop and give me 30". And the fact that I would never have cut it in the Marines doesn't mean that nobody else should join either. For somebody who knows themselves better and who is prepared to handle problematic activities without mental breakdowns such a dominant would be a great match. For you because you didn't know what you wanted, he wasn't. However it isn't his fault that you agreed to stuff you didn't want to do, it isn't his fault that you are unable to express your boundaries, it isn't his fault that you can't say no. And it isn't his fault that he can't read your mind. I imagine, that if someone asked him about you, he would describe you as leading him on just to be a no show, as being a wannabe and a fake. And I have more sympathy with him than with you, because your lack of clear cut boundaries is your issue to work on, not his. Kindly do some work on those issues before you meet someone in real life and agree to stuff, and afterwards call the police to claim he 'forced' you into it. You could really ruin a decent dom's life with your lack of boundaries.

ExSteelAgain -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 1:20:26 PM)
What did you turn your exDom into the police for?

ResidentSadist -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 1:21:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: megan2007 ... I have MANY reasons to hate my first/thus far only, ex-dominant, personaly ....There was anouther whom I was sub to, whom I had to actualy turn into the police for something I found out. ... back then (had never even SEEN a real flogger in real life ... I agreed to something beforehand, but then changed my mind, I guessed I'd have to go through with it anyways ... This same dominant, has resurfaced ... I have warned some of the people in the group, about him already ... I want to go to ALL of them..., and warn them. On the other hand, as I never did actualy meet the guy ... I freely admit I was STUIPED to have gotten to the point where I was agree'ing to lots of things I knew better then to ... he could certainly prove to be perfect for someone else, for all that I know ...it is my first instinct to try to protect others Dear megan, When you find so much emotional conflict that you: hate people you had chosen to be in a relationship with feel the overwhelming compulsion to warn others about people you have not had realtionships with still feel complelled to warn others even though you feel "he could certainly prove to be perfect for someone else" and you realise that YOU made the mistakes because you "knew better" This should be a sign that your submission needs to take a new turn and you should submit to professional counseling. You are not in control and you are hurting yourself and others around you. I hope you get the professional help you need, you will not find it here on the CM forums.

impossiblesub -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 1:21:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Evility Precisely what did this guy do wrong? What did he do other than telegraph signals to you very clearly that indicated that the two of you were not compatible? You never met him. You never played with him. I agree. Your just claiming he is unsafe or whatever without any reason behind it is not going to help pursuade anyone else that he is unsafe or whatever. It is entirely possible that you just have a distorted view of what is safe.

domiguy -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 2:38:48 PM)
If you haven't figured it out...I am Dom A. We talked and then while holding the phone tightly in my hands I made her eat her own poo. Forgive me....Come back to Domiguy.

MissSCD -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 4:10:39 PM)
*Is that directed at me or the OP?* *If it is directed at me, contact me here, and we will discuss it.* *Regards, MissSCD* quote: ORIGINAL: RavenMuse I'm not going to pillory you for wanting to warn others about something you 'know' to be dangerous, however as you have probably worked out there is nothing you can do. If someone asks for your opinion you can share it, but otherwise anything you do can and probably will be seen in a negative light, that you have a personal axe to grind because all there is here are two peoples different perspectives and to someone who knows neither of you then why should either be believed. Most will give the benifit of the doubt till THEY see something odd for themselves. Someone trying to force a negative opinion of another is likely to be seen as the one in the wrong. Blacklists would be fine in a world where everyone was always 100% honest and known to be.... that world doesn't exist and hence blacklists DON'T work.

SimplyMichael -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 4:12:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BossyShoeBitch I read the opening post twice to make sure I didn't misunderstand what she was saying... I have an idea.. Granted, it's a bit risky but we here are all risk takers of one form or another, aren't we? Here's my idea... Ready? ..... ..... How about you TALK to the "guy who you almost met but didn't and may have been unsafe but you'll never know for sure yet you have dedicated a thread to him" maybe even engage in grown-up, face to face conversation and tell him, "you know, it freaked me out when you said "x or y or z" and it made me feel nervous and scared and I think you are a big poophead for that." Perhaps you might even get a "Well, yeah, perhaps that wasn't the best tactic to use....." That may work much better than the schoolyard tactics "Pssst.. Don't be friends with that kid, he doesn't know how to do things the way I like them done, even though I didn't know that I was supposed to communicate that to him.. I thought Dominants could read minds... Well can't they?" I would feel really badly if I were you when the Dominant male in question confronts you for badmouthing him. I think you should start with, "I'm sorry" What a really wonderful post, I am very VERY proud of you!

Prinsexx -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 4:18:51 PM)
~On the other hand, as I never did actualy meet the guy, nothing actualy happened~ Write out these lines two hundred times or at least as many times as you need to in order to understand the REALITY of your situation.

MadRabbit -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 4:21:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: megan2007 Deep breath Ok, this post will probably not make a lot of sense, but I'm going to try, anyways. My first experience of sub frenzy, when I first realy stepped out of my personal "kink closet" and joined CM here, included what could have potentialy led to an if not dangerous, then at least highly destructive encounter with a dominant who....would not have been safe to play with. However, due to the (thankfully) interference of my past dominant, and my own mentor (once I was made to TELL my mentor, about the things I had been keeping from him, about this dominant I never actualy ended up meeting), in the end, I obviously, did not meet up with the one who would have likely proven unsafe. Now, I have MANY reasons to hate my first/thus far only, ex-dominant, personaly. Mostly centered around why I had to turn him into the police. However, he was never an unsafe player. Sometimes callous, but not unsafe. The first dominant that I started talking seriously to though (the one I never met), would have definatly proven to be unsafe, at least in the fact that he kept pushing (in our conversations via email and phone) about more and more activities should we meet and play, and since I was so unsure of everything back then (had never even SEEN a real flogger in real life, and so on), I found myself agree'ing over time, to everything. And eventualy it got to the point in our conversations, that I was even saying that if I agreed to something beforehand, but then changed my mind, I guessed I'd have to go through with it anyways, even if I did'nt want to... WHICH IS NOT HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE, and I KNOW that now, I think I knew it in my heart then, but by that point, I was so...enthralled, I guess would be an appropriate term And when he got me to say that, all he would say in response was "Remember you said that...I'll remind you that you said that." Any good dominant would have told me that no, I had the RIGHT to change my mind if I wanted to, even last minute, hell even as the situation was going ON, if that's what happened. Considering I was'nt his, in any shape or fashion. I know now, that what he said, as well as my agree'ing to go along with just about anything, was wrong. But at the time...Yeah, sub frenzy IS real, at least for many. Ok, long story short. This same dominant, has resurfaced after a long period of time of not being active, within a kink group that I belong to. I have warned some of the people in the group, about him already. But not all of them know, obviously. Now it seems he'll be showing up at the group's meetings (as well as meetings for other local groups, but I cant do anything about that). Considering our group is for younger kinksters, many of which are just starting to explore their feelings about things, and have little to no real life experiences in the lifestyle... What do I do? I mean, on the one hand, I want to go to ALL of them, the active members at least, and warn them. On the other hand, as I never did actualy meet the guy, nothing actualy happened to warrant the warning. And I freely admit I was STUIPED to have gotten to the point where I was agree'ing to lots of things I knew better then to, in our phone and email conversations. Hopefully, I'll be the only one that was that stuiped. Though I sadly doubt it. I dont want to commit slander. But I hate the idea of him pulling that act on one of these others whom are young (I think I might be the oldest member of the groupL) and still fairly "innocent". I would appreciate suggestions, comments, feedback... And if any of the people I know from the group, who are also on this site, want to know more about it, just contact me on the otherside. For anyone who is looking to gain insights into what red flags to look for in a potential submissive.... ....reference the quote above.

ResidentSadist -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 4:34:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx ~On the other hand, as I never did actualy meet the guy, nothing actualy happened~ Write out these lines two hundred times or at least as many times as you need to in order to understand the REALITY of your situation. [sm=popcorn.gif].... I wish I had thought of that. Do you think it will work though?

batshalom -> RE: What to do? (4/27/2008 5:29:28 PM)
Sheeeeeeeooooooooooooooooooot, I am so much time away from being able to have another Dom in my life (but am feeling the ache for it) that I might just write those sentences for her and fantasize.

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