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Powerless - 4/30/2008 4:52:54 PM

Kalista07

Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
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I know that many people will judge me for being stupid enough to post this much ‘personal’ information on a website.....But, at this point....fuck ‘em.... Seriously....It’s not like most of the people on here know me in my real life anyway...And those that do, I know wouldn’t judge me anyway..... So here’s the deal:
Recently at work, I had an “altercation” (for lack of better descriptors) with a man I supervise. Part of the issue that was sending him over the edge was that he knew I was writing him up and he wanted to talk to me about it and I kept telling him I couldn’t talk about it until my supervisor was back. He wouldn’t take no for an answer...... Finally I had to tell him he had to leave my office. The thing is in that 90 seconds it took for him to decide that he wanted to leave the office, I was freaking out on the inside........ On the inside...I felt the same fucked up terror I felt last summer when I was raped.... We had a meeting with him this week..... What scares the hell out of me is during the meeting I was so anxious and so out there, I dissociated.
Fast forward a few days, and he’s now been suspended until he meets with the EAP and they say he can come back to work...Well, he has and they did..... Now, they want him to come back to work....The problem is I’m left with all these feelings and crap on the inside that I don’t know how to cope with.......
Honestly, I have no idea why I’m even posting this on here....I don’t know...Maybe just to get it out of my head....
I feel like I’m going insane...And the worst part is I’m in a new community (I’ve only lived here 3 months) have no “real” friends here..........
GRRRRR.
Sorry for venting,
Kali

*Edited to add* When this interaction occured it also occured to me that we were on the 2nd floor, alone...And that he was between me and the door...

< Message edited by Kalista07 -- 4/30/2008 5:02:56 PM >

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

Post #: 1

RE: Powerless - 4/30/2008 4:58:37 PM

Level

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Joined: 3/3/2006
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Hi Kali. So, you're afraid the feelings will resurface when he comes back?

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 2

RE: Powerless - 4/30/2008 5:00:38 PM

Kalista07

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Joined: 7/1/2007
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Level,
Worse.....i can't seem to get them under control now...Let alone when he comes back...
Kali

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 3

RE: Powerless - 4/30/2008 5:02:58 PM

Level

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Joined: 3/3/2006
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Have you sought professional help? And I mean that sincerely, Kali. That might be the quickest way to get this under wraps.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 4

RE: Powerless - 4/30/2008 5:03:37 PM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

Kali...what you are facing is way too intense to try to deal with alone. I realize you just moved to a new area, but can you look up a victims of violent crime support group or a rape counslor?

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RE: Powerless - 4/30/2008 5:04:28 PM

angelikaJ

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Joined: 6/22/2007
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PTSD is a hard.

I am so sorry for what you went through and are going through now.

I am willing to just listen...email me on the other side.

If you want help perhaps this might work:
http://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline

they have an on-line hotline...which is private and secure or if you want to talk to someone
the national number will connect you locally.
1.800.656.HOPE

Kali,
Thank you for posting.

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 6

RE: Powerless - 4/30/2008 5:05:18 PM

Kalista07

Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline

Level,
You are too sweet.....Yes, actually last Thursday night when it happened i couldn't figure out if i had a right to feel the way i did or not...Or if it was just a result of the rape...i talked to a wonderful woman from my EAP who assured me even if i didn't have the experience of the rape, i'd more than likely be alarmed and offended at his behavior...i went in and saw her the next day...She's on vacation this week...i can't see her again until a week from Friday..
i even tried calling the old therapist i saw from the rape crisis program in the old community i used to live in.
Kali

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

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Post #: 7

RE: Powerless - 4/30/2008 5:05:39 PM

SeeksOnlyOne

Posts: 2012
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

is your supervisor someone you cold talk to about this without it affecting your job? i mean it could be related to the rape-but the guy could also really be a scarey dude......

unless this has happened to you repeatedly, with different folks, id choose to pay attention to the little voices in my head. and address them with someone at work asap.

good luck hon

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it aint no good til it hurts just a little bit....jimmy somerville

in those moments of solitude, does everyone sometimes think they are insane? or is it just me?

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Post #: 8

RE: Powerless - 4/30/2008 5:09:55 PM

angelikaJ

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Will it help to know that for what you have been through how you are feeling is completely normal?

(((safe hugs)))

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 9

RE: Powerless - 4/30/2008 5:12:07 PM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

Did you tell your supervisor that this guy stayed in your office for 90 seconds, intimidating you, after you asked him to leave? A minute and a half is a long time in that situation. No wonder you are in PTSD.
And i would tell your supervisor that because of this incident you are now seeking help. This is a company issue as well as a personal one.

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)

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Post #: 10

RE: Powerless - 4/30/2008 5:14:04 PM

Level

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SeeksOnlyOne

is your supervisor someone you cold talk to about this without it affecting your job?

Exactly. If so, that may be very helpful.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to SeeksOnlyOne)

Post #: 11

RE: Powerless - 4/30/2008 5:16:52 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

*hugs Kali*

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Post #: 12

RE: Powerless - 4/30/2008 5:29:55 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

Kali honey, being a woman in authority over men is often hard enough (yes, even in these "enlightened" times. It's not THAT long ago that women didn't even have the vote!). Being in charge of a rude man who refused to listen to you and who took his time about leaving the office is hard. On top of that, you have the vile experience of rape leaving it's imprint on your mind. It isn't a long stretch to understand how and why you freaked out. I agree with Seeks. Perhaps in some way this particular man reminds you of something very negative in your past? Maybe you wouldn't have felt this way with a different man in exactly the same situation.

As advised, get some continuous professional help with this ASAP and in the meantime, think about your options. Could you be transfered to another department? Could he? Can you ensure that you are not in the same room as him alone again? If this is a job you love and don't want to leave (and why the fuck should you leave, you haven't done anything wrong!!), can you talk to your supervisor about him being replaced? Few places of work want woman in charge of men who refuse to follow instructions from a woman (or vice versa).

I wish you all the best with this and my best advice is to NOT let the prick who hurt you last summer continue to fuck up your life. Take a stand against him and any other man who makes you feel uncomfortable or frightened and never give in to those feelings. People do care, that's why you posted here. xxx

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RE: Powerless - 4/30/2008 5:58:16 PM

Kalista07

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Joined: 7/1/2007
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holly, GT, angelika, seeks, and especially MissM;
Thanks you soo much for all of your support.... The CEO of our company has said that for now (I don't know how long that is) he doesn't even want the man in my office (since we are on the 2nd floor...alone) alone..... i guess at this point i'm prepared to say officially that i do not want this man in my office, nor will i come to his....When we meet it will be on the 1st floor, the other reality is my supervisor says that she doesn't think he's capable of making the changes we need him to make.......
My boss is wonderful and supportive as hell, usually....However, when she found out what happened she looked at me and said, "I have a question for you...Why would you be scared of him?". And since then I haven't been able to bring myself to tell her about the rape, etc. i don't even know if i should..i feel like i don't know anything right now..and i'm irritated with myself because i know i've given him way to much power...
The other thing that's irritating the hell out of me is the fact that when i'm not with him, i know i have no reason to be afraid of him...But, when he's around me again....the look in his eyes......ARGH!!!
Thanks all for all of the support,
Kali

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

(in reply to MissMagnolia)

Post #: 14

RE: Powerless - 4/30/2008 6:20:25 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

Kali... can you tell her about the rape? Or simply "I had a traumatic experience last summer and this man's behaviors have been uncomfortable reminders" (or something like that)?

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polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 15

RE: Powerless - 4/30/2008 7:00:48 PM

Kalista07

Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
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That's just it Greedy...i can...but i don't know if i should.... i want (or need) his actions to be judged for what they were and don't want them to discount his actions simply because i'm stupid enough to allow myself to get raped..Ya know what i mean?
Kali

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 16

RE: Powerless - 4/30/2008 7:07:08 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

you were NOT stupid..and you did NOT allow it, honey. From the sounds of it,the guy is already on thin ice on his own merits (or lack thereof). *hugs*

I wish I could actually hug, ya doll... but I'm in agreement that calling the assault line/rape center/counselor is the first thing you should do... and tell your boss.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 17

RE: Powerless - 4/30/2008 7:35:16 PM

slaveboyforyou

Posts: 3607
Joined: 1/6/2005
From: Arkansas, U.S.A.
Status: offline

I'm sorry you were raped, that's horrible. Yes you should get some professional help for it.

That being said...What did this man do to get written up? Why is he so scary? Why did you have to wait for your supervisor to get back to talk to him? I am trying to be objective here, because I wasn't there. But I will tell you, I am confrontational in workplaces sometimes. I don't take no for an answer, and I will challenge higher-ups when I feel I am right. You don't get ahead if you don't do that, any you risk people walking all over you if you are too passive. I am not a jerk or impolite, but I am assertive and aggressive at times. Is that what this man is doing? Honestly, I would want to argue my point if I were being written up too. Are you maybe projecting your anger about the rape towards him?

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 18

RE: Powerless - 4/30/2008 8:04:00 PM

MissMagnolia

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I understand completely what you are saying Kali (except the stupid to allow myself to get raped bit!! You know that's absolutely NOT true). Your personal experience of rape shouldn't be factored into anything that happens at work. It could come across as a hysterical reaction to a personal experience and your supervisors could take the stance that it is YOU with the problem, not a problem with this mans attitude.

As you said, nothing should cloud the opinions of your bosses while they are checking out the performance of this man. He should be judged on his own behaviours and reactions to workplace authority.

Be irritated with yourself for five more minutes, then get irritated at him for being a rude pain in the bum. Then take your power back and BELIEVE that this guy is just some jerk who has no power over you. He's just a guy who you don't get along with. Easier said than done, I know, but it does work, fake it till you make it!! xxxx

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.

(in reply to slaveboyforyou)

Post #: 19

RE: Powerless - 4/30/2008 8:17:58 PM

Daddysredhead

Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
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Kali,

I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and sending a prayer for you to the Heavens. Bless your heart, sweetie. I agree that you were not stupid in the past situation, and please don't beat yourself up anymore for this stuff. So much good information said before me, I agree with them. Please take care and get some help, talk to someone.

Hugs you big,
DRH

(typo)

< Message edited by Daddysredhead -- 4/30/2008 8:18:54 PM >

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