undergroundsea
Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: AAkasha
But in my experience, it's like a bellcurve, and a lot of men fall into a category of "I'm not sure if I could get into this guy or not."
I agree in that how one feels about another is not black and white but grey.
quote:
ORIGINAL: teasemeallnight
I expect you fell in the weaker end of the grey region.
Here are some thoughts.
It seems you are wondering what you did between the date and the email (sending the email when you did) to which you got no response, and if that has caused the change in her behavior. I expect her response has little to do with any particular act you did. Your approach--keeping in touch by emails, a phone conversation, and being yourself on the date--sounds reasonable enough. To be formal, a thank you or follow up note should go out immediately. The formality people observe varies considerably and I don't think a note a day and a half after the event is off the mark--at least, I am fairly certain it is not the cause of her response now. I expect how she feels about you is tied more to the chemistry and compatibility she feels.
Multiple times I have felt strong attraction for a woman I was getting to know. As the process moved forward, however, the attraction faded. I cannot intellectually explain why the attraction faded--I continue to consider these women attractive women and they possess traits I find attractive. Still, that feeling of sexual or romantic attraction faded. I wish it had not but it did. With these experiences, and those where I was at the other end of things, I have come to see that chemistry is irrational and one cannot understand or explain it. Is it pheromones, energetics, instincts, or something else at work, I am not sure--it just is.
Some times when I have backed away, it has been because of sensing mismatched interest. This point may or may not have been relevant to your situation. If it is and she is seeking space, the only thing you can do is give her space.
It seems you had a long first date (that was meant to be coffee only) and its length could be relevant. With strong chemistry and compatibility, that long first date could feel just fine. With the two in the grey area, a long first date could create an uncomfortable feeling. She might have wondered if she gave too strong a message, and then felt a want to back away. You might have traveled to see her, which would understandably create a want to maximize the time had together through that trip. And I can see myself letting a good first date run on and not wanting it to end. Still, my sensibility says there are more reasons to keep it of moderate length than not--perhaps even have existing plans afterwards that help observe a time limit. The pace of things can make a difference.
The age difference could be relevant based on what she seeks, and what her preferred age range is. I think relationships based on BDSM only allow a greater range of preferred age than do relationships that are based on romantic companionship. The multiple kisses on the cheek suggest a more romantic component. While at the time she might have enjoyed the romantic attention, especially if she was missing such attention, it might have created dissonance after the event if the age difference is too great for what she wants for a romantic companionship.
Dommes often advise against being the first to bring up BDSM, or to talk about BDSM on the first date. My philosophy is slightly different. I think it is possible to talk about BDSM, initiate talk about BDSM, or D/s flirt without coming across as simply getting your jollies. It seems you were cautious about not coming across as a do-me sub. I suppose I am thinking of a vanilla date that has little sexual or romantic energy, and taking that idea to a date between BDSMers where there is little D/s energy. If she was seeing you as a possible D/s relationship prospect and not a romantic prospect, this observed distance from BDSM subjects alongside the romantic gestures might have caused her to feel there is a mismatch in expectations.
People tend to put off something that carries with it some unease. For instance, one might put off a call about bad news. And the delay thereby had can increase the unease--now one feels apologetic or uncomfortable about the bad news and also the delay in response. I expect she might be feeling unease for not having written you or called you, which could make it increasingly awkward to call or write. However, what is more important is the initial unease, which stems from the level of interest she feels. And why she is feeling unease is not as important as that she is feeling unease.
If any of the above occurred, she is likely wanting space. When one wants space, words do not help as much as actions. The best way to give space is back off and demonstrate that one can accept the space and distance. Promising to give space and adjust to that person's wants does not help as much and, in fact, could increase the want for space.
In any case, I don't think there is much you can do right now. Either she is completely disinterested, or the interest level has changed so that she is wanting space. I think you should redirect your attention elsewhere. At most, you can keep the bridge intact to see if anything changes in the future, which you can do through varying degrees of directness.
I recall times when I would examine what I did and could have done differently, and what I could do to change how things were when a new possibility seemed to be going astray. One reason I wanted to fix things so strongly was that I did not think other possibilities would come easily. As I began to feel better about other possibilities, it became easier to accept the situation when chemistry seemed to not be coming through. Also, with time, hindsight might bring you insights from this experience that will help you with others that will come your way--it did happen as such for me.
My two cents.
Cheers,
Sea
|
RE: Advice after 1st meeting - 
Profile
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread