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RE: Advice after 1st meeting - 5/3/2008 7:37:11 PM   
Griswold


Posts: 2739
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsStarlett

OP - Look for an older Domme.  They (we) tend to be less 'flighty'.


OP - That applies to Buicks as well.

(in reply to MsStarlett)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Advice after 1st meeting - 5/4/2008 10:40:27 AM   
cuteguybottom


Posts: 7
Joined: 1/1/2006
Status: offline 		If she was seeing you as a possible D/s relationship prospect and not a romantic prospect, this observed distance from BDSM subjects alongside the romantic gestures might have caused her to feel there is a mismatch in expectations.


I have read this whole board and beleive the above paragraph sounds like it gets to the heart of the matter.  Bad dates don't last five hours. However, from what Tease has said in his OP, it seems that his lack of experience in terms of being on a date with a dominant woman left him unsure of how to act on the date. It seems the romantic gestures sent her a signal and not one that matched with her desire to find a new sub.

By not having experience with a D/s relationship, Tease said he wasn't sure how to react to BDSM conversation and wasn't smooth about it.....

OK.....now what? Does he have any chance at this point?

While I wouldn't obsess about her and count on anything I do think you have options.

A short, polite e-mail in which as you say you 'check in' and say Hello wouldn't be bad. I would include a brief few sentences about your reflection of your lack of experience on a date with a domme and you giving her unattended (romantic) signals. Your uncomfertableness about BDSM subjects was attributed to nerves...tell her this......You obviously want to be her submissive.....Youd didn't make that clear on the date......make it clear in your e-mail

Two more cents

Does anyone agree/disagree

Cuteguybottom


(in reply to MsStarlett)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Advice after 1st meeting - 5/4/2008 12:48:01 PM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Did you ask her permission to kiss her?
If not then I'm very suprised she didn't slap your face or at least tell you off big time.
I would have done even on a vanilla date.
A lot of submission is basic manners.
When you interact with a dominant woman you let her lead the way.
I expect all men to treat me with the utmost respect.
The fact that they don't always is a constant source of annoyance.
I have no idea what she is thinking and feeling and neither has anyone else here.
All I can tell you is how I would be feeling.
If I had met someone with the idea of forming a D/s relationship of any kind I would expect them to let me know immediately how they felt about me. Did you tell her that you felt submissive towards her? I would then take the next step. I just wish that people would stop confusing being dominant or submissive with BDSM. D/s is vanilla. All the women I know dominate their partners or at least try to. It doesn't mean they are BDSM. BDSM is a consensual agreement from a submissive person to allow their dominant partner to enjoy their passion for Bondage Discipline and Sadomasochism when they wish to with them. Slaves do not require to give permission for an individual act subs do.
Do you know if you are a sub or a slave?
There are so many men looking for a Mistress when they don't have a clue about anything.
Are you lifestyle or are you a player?
As far as I am concerned there is a lot of misinformation on this site but it's the best one.
D/s is about power exchange BDSM is the extension of that power exchange into kink.
You can play at BDSM without the power exchange.
Lots of people do just like lots of people have sex without love.
My advice is just be clear to any interested Domme what it is about for you.
And if you are really going to offer her your submission then make sure she is worthy of it.

(in reply to cuteguybottom)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Advice after 1st meeting - 5/7/2008 3:01:03 PM   
teasemeallnight


Posts: 11
Joined: 10/5/2007
Status: offline
Thanks to everyone for your support and advice......I have decided to write her an e-mail.....I feel good about it as she was a very sweet person and i truly enjoyed myself with her.........I don't have any expectations but wanted to be honest with her........I havent sent it yet.........wondering if all you smart people think I should or if I should add or subtract any of it....Thanks again......




Mistress,

Just wanted to check in and say Hi.

The last thing I want to do is annoy you, but I would feel pretty stupid if I didn't tell you that I really enjoyed your company and felt a strong connection when we met. I also wanted to apologize for being inexperienced when it comes to being on a date with a dominant girl. The two dommes that I have been submissive to in my life both became my dommes out of vanilla dating/relationships.

I felt very submissive toward you, though you probably couldn't tell. I was comfortable with you, but nervous and a bit awkward at the same time because of my inexperience. I feel like I sent out unintended romantic signals and gestures which may have caused you to feel that there was a mismatch in expectations. I think you are a powerful, beautiful person and I would love to help you continue to explore and expand all of your dominant desires if you are interested.

Hope you are doing well,

(in reply to lateralist1)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Advice after 1st meeting - 5/7/2008 4:17:44 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		Why do you think she is a powerful and beuatiful person?  What is a specific example?  What did she say, what did she do?  Why is she superior to a fantasy-fulfilling walking blowup doll with a leather crop?

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to teasemeallnight)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Advice after 1st meeting - 5/7/2008 9:29:45 PM   
khem


Posts: 300
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: teasemeallnight
dominant girl.


Warning warning! go for "dominant woman" or "dominant lady" unless she refers to herself as a girl.  I don't personally care about anyone calling me a girl (because I call myself and anyone under about 35 a girl), but she might not like this.

(in reply to teasemeallnight)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Advice after 1st meeting - 5/7/2008 11:46:14 PM   
MysticFireTopaz


Posts: 50939
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Dallas/Ft. Worth, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: khem
Warning warning! go for "dominant woman" or "dominant lady" unless she refers to herself as a girl.  I don't personally care about anyone calling me a girl (because I call myself and anyone under about 35 a girl), but she might not like this.


I agree with this.  I know a number of Dominant Women who would take objection to being called a "girl."  True, she is young, but she still may not care for being called a "girl."
 
I also would not address her as "Mistress" umless she has indicated that is all right to do so.  Personally, I reserve that term for submissives I own or have given permission to use that form of address.  
 
Lady Topaz

(in reply to khem)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Advice after 1st meeting - 5/8/2008 1:53:39 PM   
ElanSubdued


Posts: 1511
Status: offline 		teasemeallnight,

Okay.  So you're taking the "try one more time" approach.  This is fine.  However, now that you've shown us the letter you're about to send, I really do think you're taking the wrong approach.  If I can be so bold as to say, drop all the "Mistress" stuff and apologizing for your BDSM uncertainty.  If you feel it necessary to say you were nervous, say this.  Just say:  "I was very nervous".  The rest she can figure out on her own.

As for the bulk of your letter, in my opinion you are better served talking about vanilla things.  Discuss what you liked about meeting her (minus any BDSM accoutrements).  Compliment her on what she was wearing, her smile, and, if possible, some things she said that interested you.  If there is something you share in common, such as a desire to see a particular movie that just came out, extend an invitation.  And that's it.

Treat her as a woman - a desirable woman.  The best way you can do this is to show courtesy, respect, appreciation of her as a person, and an *appropriate* amount of desire to meet her again.  Once you've sent this letter, don't write to her again.  Wait for her to make the next move.  If she doesn't reply, move on.  And, if she does reply, don't go all stupid and stalker-ish on her.  Take things slowly and organically.  Just because she agrees to a second date doesn't necessarily mean she wants a relationship with you.  You're both simply getting to know one another.

Hope this works out for you,

Elan.

(in reply to teasemeallnight)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Advice after 1st meeting - 5/8/2008 2:40:40 PM   
teasemeallnight


Posts: 11
Joined: 10/5/2007
Status: offline 		Elan-

Hi..Thank again..I already sent the e-mail.....I see your point...but I was trying to let her know that what I wanted was to be her submissive..and not her boyfriend/friend....I was very vanilla on the date..she knows that side of me...I wrote the e-mail honestly......I hope she replies because I felt real chemistry with her.....But if she doesnt want to persue anything that's fine.....It's up to her...I'm not demanding anything here....but a cordial replay would be nice.......

I got an e-mail from a dominant woman I had met in january a few times last night.....I had forgot her e-mail and iddnt know who it was....but eventually I figured it out and repeated that oh yeah we wanted different things but I asked her how she was doing....If she asked why I wasnt more into persuing something I would have been 100 percent honest about it....If I could get that in my other situation I would be quite happy

(in reply to ElanSubdued)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Advice after 1st meeting - 5/8/2008 5:17:12 PM   
LaMistressa


Posts: 460
Joined: 12/4/2006
Status: offline 		You can't unring a bell, but for the future you should keep in mind that any email that starts with a line like  "The last thing I want to do is annoy you," is pretty much guaranteed to annoy the person receiving it. Your letter comes off as very needy and whiny and entirely focused on your needs and feelings - it's smothering to receive something like this, especially if you are on the fence about someone.When I've received letters like this from submissives, I've hit the "block" button. If she had wanted to contact you by now, she already would have, but this letter is definitely the nail in the coffin.

This is what you were dying to do all along (it really shows in all of your posts), so I hope it works for you, but when it doesn't, please try to learn something from it.

(in reply to teasemeallnight)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Advice after 1st meeting - 5/8/2008 6:51:43 PM   
teasemeallnight


Posts: 11
Joined: 10/5/2007
Status: offline 		LaMistressa..thanks for being candid....I wish she would have been so candid....I didnt think it came across as whiny/needy but you probably know better than me......It wasn't my intention...and if I am at all needy about the situation it is just to have some contact, even closure with her......

But even if I had read your reply before sending the message...how could I have gotten my point across (I want to be your submissive,I really am submissive, I'm not only vanilla) without seeming needy......

Thanks

(in reply to LaMistressa)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Advice after 1st meeting - 5/8/2008 9:14:42 PM   
MsCfromMelbourne


Posts: 777
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline 		For goodness sake - you have to tell us if she replied!!!! 

I love this soap opera 



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(in reply to teasemeallnight)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Advice after 1st meeting - 5/10/2008 9:13:16 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: teasemeallnight

...and if I am at all needy about the situation it is just to have some contact, even closure with her......


You want  'closure' after one date with a woman? 

Please do let us know if she replies.

_____________________________

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King
Godmother of the subbie mafia
My all time favourite threads
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=2002501
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=790885

(in reply to teasemeallnight)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Advice after 1st meeting - 5/10/2008 8:25:40 PM   
teasemeallnight


Posts: 11
Joined: 10/5/2007
Status: offline
OK.. She answered my e-mail.....A polite blow off...which is  what it is...I respect the fact that she responded . I will send a polite e-mail back....and move on...Thanks to everyone on this thread...Many here are bright @ thoughtful with  a lot  of wisdom.......
 
 
 
Hi,
 
I'm sorry that I've been out of touch, but it's been a crazy whirlwind of work, topped off by a round of the flu (unpleasant!). I really enjoyed our date as well--you seem like a kind and interesting person. However, my ex-boyfriend has come back to me asking for a second chance with me, and I'm going to give him that chance. I'm sorry that I won't be able to explore dom/sub things with you, but I wish you luck in finding someone in the future, and I hope you enjoyed your visit. I certainly enjoyed your company.

(in reply to wandersalone)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Advice after 1st meeting - 5/11/2008 7:14:17 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline 		I'm pleased that she replied to you. 

_____________________________

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King
Godmother of the subbie mafia
My all time favourite threads
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=2002501
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=790885

(in reply to teasemeallnight)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Advice after 1st meeting - 5/11/2008 3:11:48 PM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline 		I'm reading between the lines in your post and really feel that you know already that she's not interested.  Why make a public spectacle out of what happens to folks alot (vanilla and kinky.)  Accept it for what it is and move on.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to teasemeallnight)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Advice after 1st meeting - 5/11/2008 3:17:53 PM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsCfromMelbourne
If I find the sub attractive, then I enjoy a man who can regale me with witty, amusing stories of his BDSM adventures (and misadventures) in a way that makes me laugh while being respectful of previous Dommes.  There's nothing worse than an absolute newbie listening eagerly to BDSM-talk with nothing of his own to contribute. 

But if the sub is unattractive, anything he says about BDSM will be pushy, "irritating and offensive"

Here here.  I feel like I am being interviewed for a magazine article and not being courted.  That's annoying.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to MsCfromMelbourne)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Advice after 1st meeting - 5/11/2008 3:43:32 PM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Venatri 

One of the things I've noticed about male subs is that they tend to build the domme into a fantasy person.  I have someone doing this to me right now, and no matter how much I try to convince him that nobody is that fantastic, he won't listen.  It's usually only a matter of time before reality sets in, and people go away disappointed. 



Venatrix,
I really appreciated this response.

Femsubs do this exact same thing to male Doms.
Women tend to make a voice or the writer of email into some god like white knight or saviour before they ever meet them.

I have a friend, who will meet in real life, the "man of her dreams", whom she has already fallen in love with, but never laid eyes on.
She has built this married, but getting divorced, kind compassionate man into her hero and he lives several states away.

Femsubs do what malesubs do.
But I also believe dom/mes do this with subs as well.
I think my ex dom built up in his mind something I was not and after 6 months just couldn not find the words, "I am not into you."
Of course by that time I was into him and could not see the forest for the trees. 

We are people first and foremost not something out of someone else's fantasy mind.

I wish I could sink this truth into everyone, but alas, it was a truth I had to learn the hard way and some people, like you OP, will learn it the hard way if you continue.

Beautiful people have given you an opinion on what you already know to be the answer.     Just not into you !!


(in reply to Venatrix)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Advice after 1st meeting - 5/12/2008 4:43:05 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RealSub58

Femsubs do this exact same thing to male Doms.
Women tend to make a voice or the writer of email into some god like white knight or saviour before they ever meet them.

I have a friend, who will meet in real life, the "man of her dreams", whom she has already fallen in love with, but never laid eyes on.
She has built this married, but getting divorced, kind compassionate man into her hero and he lives several states away.

Femsubs do what malesubs do.
But I also believe dom/mes do this with subs as well.


I totally agree that this happens however rather than being a dom/me sub thing I think this is simply a people thing. 

_____________________________

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King
Godmother of the subbie mafia
My all time favourite threads
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=2002501
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=790885

(in reply to RealSub58)
Profile   Post #: 59
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