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Was i out of line? - 5/6/2008 12:56:33 PM

lonelyblueboi

Posts: 51
Joined: 12/2/2005
Status: offline

I recently began communicating with a Dom who initiated contact through collarme. After chatting for awhile he stated that he wanted to come to my place to train me. I said I was uncomfortable inviting people to my home and he proceeded to tell me to call him when i wasn't so uptight? Was i out of line to not invite him to my place when we'd just started talking? I think i did what was right to protect my own safety, but he made it seem like my reluctance to entertain a total stranger meant i wasn't ready to explore BDSM in real time. The opinions of any Doms/Dommes would be appreciated!

Post #: 1

RE: Was i out of line? - 5/6/2008 1:02:38 PM

FRSguy

Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline

Your cool. I wouldnt invite anyone to my home or go to someone elses house on a first meet kind of thing. You want to be able to ditch them because what seems all cool in chat sometimes turn into freaks on both ends of the equasion... allways watch your ass because its the only one you have. If someone tells ya different watch out...

(in reply to lonelyblueboi)

Post #: 2

RE: Was i out of line? - 5/6/2008 1:03:44 PM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

No I think you did they right thing for you.

Perhaps in the future offer possible alternatives, such as HIS house or possible a Motel in the area, Then remind him of maintaing personal Safety and this is part of YOUR requirements, that you would be willing to entertain the idea of training just not at your home until you has spent more face time together.

You have LOTS to lose you have to protect your best interest.

Steel

_____________________________

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(in reply to lonelyblueboi)

Post #: 3

RE: Was i out of line? - 5/6/2008 1:06:28 PM

phoenixinchains

Posts: 2534
Joined: 4/5/2007
From: i live here
Status: offline

sounds like you're being safe, sane, and smart to me

_____________________________

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(in reply to FRSguy)

Post #: 4

RE: Was i out of line? - 5/6/2008 1:07:30 PM

szobras

Posts: 435
Joined: 9/18/2006
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My opinion... Don't allow yourself to compromise responsible caution and your comfort level when meeting someone.
Actually, it was after many months of conversation daily before I invited a submissive to visit my home.

_____________________________

"Wisdom is what's left after we've run out of personal opinions."
~Cullen Hightower~

(in reply to lonelyblueboi)

Post #: 5

RE: Was i out of line? - 5/6/2008 1:09:40 PM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
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It would be a very long time before I'd invite someone to my home, alone.. or go to someone's home, alone..

you did the right thing.. particularly given the reaction you did get...

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to szobras)

Post #: 6

RE: Was i out of line? - 5/6/2008 1:10:27 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

Blue, there's no "line." If you weren't comfortable, you weren't comfortable.

Once, a woman who knew me well told me how hot she was for me, and invited me over. She then emailed me a bunch of dirty pictures of her, with a note that she was thinking of me while masturbating. Well, as you can imagine, I arrived at her place feeling like Superman -- and really horny! Then we tried to have sex, and it was all wrong. I tried things she had loved before, and everything came out weird. Man, was I frustrated, and I felt as though she had been toying with me.

It turned out, though, that someone had had a stroke at her place of work that day. She didn't know him, but the ambulance had taken him away, and she did not know if he was alive or dead. She hadn't told me because she didn't want to "spoil the mood." Once I understood what was going on, I was really touched. She had tried to please me, even though I should really have been tending to her.

Was she a bad submissive because she didn't have sex when I wanted it?

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to lonelyblueboi)

Post #: 7

RE: Was i out of line? - 5/6/2008 1:14:16 PM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

if you felt uncomfortable not having him inside your house, then you did the right thing.

for safety reasons, i don't have first meets where my UMs reside even if they aren't home because something that feels right could go absolutely bad to worst in minutes.

_____________________________

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(in reply to lonelyblueboi)

Post #: 8

RE: Was i out of line? - 5/6/2008 1:20:52 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Most people announce they won't play on the first meet and not uncommon to not play on the second either. Personally I prefer a first meet at a coffee shop inside a bookstore.

_____________________________

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(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)

Post #: 9

RE: Was i out of line? - 5/6/2008 1:25:17 PM

candisa

Posts: 127
Joined: 1/7/2008
Status: offline

greetings, lonelyblueboi.

I value my private space, my safety must come first. I feel that the person you were speaking with, did not value your feelings in the least. There is not a chance that I would open my home to strangers and a first place meeting. Always trust your gut feelings, telling you Don't do it... try your hardest to listen.

_____________________________

respectfully,
candisa

Freely we serve, because we freely love, as in our will
To love or not; in this we stand or fall.

(in reply to lonelyblueboi)

Post #: 10

RE: Was i out of line? - 5/6/2008 1:29:11 PM

lonelyblueboi

Posts: 51
Joined: 12/2/2005
Status: offline

Thanks for the responses! I offered to meet in public and maybe play at his place after we got to know each other, and he said he had a "vanilla" life to maintain where he lived. I found it quite a bit creepy and didn't appreciate the pressure. I'm glad to know other people would have had the same reaction.

(in reply to candisa)

Post #: 11

RE: Was i out of line? - 5/6/2008 1:44:05 PM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

lbb, keep in mind that the rules for caution and safety in vanilla life are no different than the rules for caution and safety in D/s, no matter who tells you that "if you don't do (insert action here) you must not be a true sub."

(in reply to lonelyblueboi)

Post #: 12

RE: Was i out of line? - 5/6/2008 2:00:56 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

BTW his vanilla life he had to maintain? Translation means a wife.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to batshalom)

Post #: 13

RE: Was i out of line? - 5/6/2008 2:03:40 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
BTW his vanilla life he had to maintain? Translation means a wife.

Yep.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 14

RE: Was i out of line? - 5/6/2008 2:05:56 PM

soldier4life

Posts: 17
Joined: 3/2/2008
From: Alaska
Status: offline

i strongly belive you did the right thing, you had only been talking for a little while, and right off the bat he wants to meet PRIVATLY in your home, i would have said the same thing. safety comes first and any real domm would understand your need os security and would not flame you after saying you were not comfortable with the idea. i'm sorry things went so wrong for you in this aspect, better luck next time eh? -hugs-

_____________________________

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather, to skid in sideways, body thoroughly used up and worn out, screaming "YEEEEEHAAAAAA!!!!! What a Ride!"

(in reply to lonelyblueboi)

Post #: 15

RE: Was i out of line? - 5/6/2008 2:10:41 PM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

BTW his vanilla life he had to maintain? Translation means a wife.

Yep. And if he is denying that, and you are considering believing him, then ask yourself: what about YOUR vanilla life? We all have a vanilla life. Why should it be okay for your neihbors to see him come into your house, but not vice versa?
Always act as if you do not know people that you do not know. Never have someone to your home or go to someones home alone until you have met in public the first few times. Always have a safety call properly set up. No matter how well you are getting on, who they are in public could be completely different.
Every thing you do of this sort - the rules you maintain to protect your safety, your limits, your needs and requirements - they are filtering devices. when someone does not like them, that person is getting caught in the filters, and is one less wrong person for you to have to deal with in your search for the right one.
Let the Master you have not yet met, the one meant to own you, speak to you in your head and heart. When someone asks you to do something, (Meet me at the local coffee shop? Have dinner with me? Meet me at a munch? Come to my house alone at night? go back to my place and play? Let me come to your house?, ect, ect) ask yourself what that Master is saying about that. Is He saying, 'Yes, this is a good thing to do, how else will you find me?', or is He saying, 'You did WHAT? what were you thinking?' Keep his property safe until you can find one another.
Don't ever, EVER let anyone bully you into lowering your standards, comprimising your rules, or settling. Keep yourself safe.

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 16

RE: Was i out of line? - 5/6/2008 2:19:23 PM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline

Thats how users play the game. They verbally abuse you and tell you you arent a "true" submissive unless you do what they want. They are banking on your inexperience. Dont fall for it.

< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 5/6/2008 2:24:39 PM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to tsatske)

Post #: 17

RE: Was i out of line? - 5/6/2008 2:43:33 PM

respectyourowner

Posts: 122
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline

I would never make such a request from one of my slaves. If decided to take the relationship further then I would bring her to my place and not expect to go to hers.

(in reply to lonelyblueboi)

Post #: 18

RE: Was i out of line? - 5/6/2008 3:58:34 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lonelyblueboi

I recently began communicating with a Dom who initiated contact through collarme. After chatting for awhile he stated that he wanted to come to my place to train me. I said I was uncomfortable inviting people to my home and he proceeded to tell me to call him when i wasn't so uptight? Was i out of line to not invite him to my place when we'd just started talking? I think i did what was right to protect my own safety, but he made it seem like my reluctance to entertain a total stranger meant i wasn't ready to explore BDSM in real time. The opinions of any Doms/Dommes would be appreciated!

Not sure if you're new or not but one of the most common pieces of advice I give newbies is to TRUST their instincts about strangers. So you were spot-on at two levels; you're uncomfortable with strangers in your home and that I suspect you were equally uncomfortable with his pushy and presumptuous attitude....

If something looks, walks and quacks like a duck, it's most likely a duck. If that "duck" feels like a dom's worth of trouble, then you treat it as more than just a "most likely" scenario - you erase his pushy arse...!

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to lonelyblueboi)

Post #: 19

RE: Was i out of line? - 5/6/2008 4:04:04 PM

krikket

Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline

After being unable to come up with a "normal" time and place to meet, i was once asked if he could come over to my apartment at 5:30 AM, and he really didn't understand why i felt so uncoomfortable about it or about any future meets at the same time. (i live alone.) Needless to say, i turned him down...i figured he had a wife and/or significant other somewhere who was taking up his "normal" time. Yes, i might sleep alone, but i sleep safely..lol

Ya done good, kiddo...

krikket

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin

When your heart speaks take good notes.

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 20

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