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Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 11:57:59 AM

clearlightblack

Posts: 107
Joined: 3/3/2008
Status: offline

Hello all.

I hope to get some understanding here....

So today was an interesting event....my Dom friend/ex called (so we are thinking about getting back together but things are still on the fence and things are progressing) But to the point.................

My mother answered the phone and when he told her who it was she said "Oh God, It's (insert name)."

When I got on the phone he went into a tantrum saying he didn't appreciate being treated like crap and he'll never live up to her expectations and on and on and on. I was speechless. They are so much a like that they've butted heads since he and I met. Anyway........

I told him that he needed to calm down and think my opinion of him is more imporant than my mother's. I even explained to him that if he so needs my mother's approval than he needs to understand that she can't easily forgive his inconsiderate actions and promises that he made to me that weren't completed. He was just upset he basically hung up on me.

My questions to the Masters & Doms in this section is basically WTF? Why is this approval so imporant to him? He's a Dom for goodness sakes, I mean why they tantrums why the behaviors. It's my acceptance of him the way he is and my forgiveness enough. Why is my mother such a big deal to him?

Thank you for your time.

Post #: 1

RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 12:05:24 PM

charlotteS

Posts: 203
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline

Tantrums aren't attractive in anyone, Dominant or submissive but if the only number he has to reach you is one that she commonly answers I can see why he would care about her approval. She's obviously a part of your life and someone he is going to have to interact with on a regular basis. I know Master would probably go crazy if he ran the risk of speaking to my mother everytime he called me.

charlotte

_____________________________

"When you are your freest self, who are you?" Jack Rinella

(in reply to clearlightblack)

Post #: 2

RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 12:07:07 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

He can't control her with "because I said so".

He has to measure up -and he hasn't. Which means work-and being strictly honorable.

no passing the buck.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to clearlightblack)

Post #: 3

RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 12:08:56 PM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

I agree with Charlotte (hot new pics!).

It can get aggrivating to always hear something negative about you in order to talk to the person you called for. But I also think that if you want to move forward you have to put the past behind you, and you have to tell your mother in no uncertian terms that she is to remain neutral and let you make your own choices.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to charlotteS)

Post #: 4

RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 12:09:30 PM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: charlotteS

Tantrums aren't attractive in anyone, Dominant or submissive but if the only number he has to reach you is one that she commonly answers I can see why he would care about her approval. She's obviously a part of your life and someone he is going to have to interact with on a regular basis. I know Master would probably go crazy if he ran the risk of speaking to my mother everytime he called me.

charlotte

There's a saying "love me, love my dog." Fortunately, my slave doesn't have a dog :|

I'm not in this relationship for her mother; I'm in it for her. If her mother seriously impeded our relationship, and she had no interest in addressing that, I wouldn't keep her.

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to charlotteS)

Post #: 5

RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 12:12:00 PM

charlotteS

Posts: 203
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG

I agree with Charlotte (hot new pics!).

Thank you! Master took them out at Joshua Tree and we had an amazing time. :) Unless you were refering to our hot new kitties.

charlotte

_____________________________

"When you are your freest self, who are you?" Jack Rinella

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 6

RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 12:13:42 PM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

the kittie is cute but you are amazing. I love the one of you walking on the dirt road especially, and the one he has on his profile.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to charlotteS)

Post #: 7

RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 12:15:03 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

If it is your phone, why do you allow your mother to answer it? If it is not your phone, have him call you on your own phone.

Why do you allow your mother to be so disrespectful to you of ANYONE in your life? When she says something like that, have you ever considered sticking up for him? Saying right then and there, "Mom, I don't appreciate that kind of talk or tone."

There are reasons why my mother is not privy to the same info about men in my life that my best friend is. And one of those reasons is the type of reaction your mother had.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to Stephann)

Post #: 8

RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 12:17:29 PM

LadyLynx

Posts: 1098
Joined: 7/24/2007
Status: offline

clearlightblack, Well don't generalize. Not all Doms freak out, when someone expresses their dislike of them. My response would have been, "Im sorry you feel that way about me, but my intention is to have a better relationship...etc" something like that. by throwing a tantrum, Mother can add childish to the list of things she doesn't like about him.

_____________________________

Our community maybe openminded as a whole, but it is still made up of individuals who bring in their own opinions,baggage and agendas!

Known as SwitchWitch in my local community,and on IRC Bondage.

I also go by the nic SwitchWitch on MDS.

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 9

RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 12:18:44 PM

clearlightblack

Posts: 107
Joined: 3/3/2008
Status: offline

He has my cell and my house phone. She has answered the phone maybe 3 times in our relationship. I was in the bathroom, I am sorry if she answered the phone!

I can't control her anymore than I can control him. But it isn't just the phone call. There have been times when we've had a disagreement and when we talk again he asks, "so what did your mother have to say about our fight?"

I am a grown woman, and yes my mother is a part of my life. I am an only child, can't quiet help that, but my life is my life. Its the fact that he has these fits and gets mad at me.

Her feelings about him are justified. To her he needs to prove himself. I just want them to just get along and together they play ping pong with me. I stick up for one and then the other over and over and over again. But he adds to it when I tell him to stop yelling at me because of her. It's like when he would be angry with me because I did something that reminded him of his old slave.

He knew how she was and she knew he was my Daddy, she may not approve of the lifestyle I have chosen but she is more concerned with the quality of life I have with him.

And when I tell him I understand what he is feeling but I can't exactly say "Shut the **** up mother." When I tell and explain to him, all he says is that I don't care what he is feeling and his emotions don't matter to him. I wanted to call him something that wasn't very nice becase he acting like a baby.

If I am to be his slave again I know I have to deal with the crap that was from before, but her.....she sees how sad I am when things go badily between he and I. She isn't pry to everything. She gets to see the broken heart. Not something EVERYONE CAN HIDE FROM THE REST OF THE WORLD

< Message edited by clearlightblack -- 5/8/2008 12:27:20 PM >

(in reply to charlotteS)

Post #: 10

RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 12:40:36 PM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

So he throws tantrums, you mom get's snarky and you play the victim, sounds lovely.

There was a point when I had to ask my father to be more neutral as it was time for me to find happiness in my own way. So long as you allow your mother to protect you like a little girl and interfere in your life, you are only going to be a little girl in her eyes.

And quite honestly, this defensive post doesn't help your credentials as a grown woman.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to clearlightblack)

Post #: 11

RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 12:50:30 PM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

If He believes she is important to YOU then He will be at least somewhat concerned about her reactions. If the reaction is adverse then it can pose additional problems, both for the relationship AND for you in terms of your relationship with your mother. If He is taking on responcibility for you then He is right to be trying to take such things into account.

I've always got on reasonably well with the mothers of My girls, but then I made the effort to do so. If any had been dead set on not getting on with Me then it wouldn't have stopped Me, but it might well have made things more difficult for the girl.

If they like Me, great. If they don't it is a problem to be worked around. Whilst I don't care what random joe bloggs thinks of Me, a girls parents have an impact on the girl and thus, within limits their opinion does matter.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to clearlightblack)

Post #: 12

RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 12:51:35 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

Drama is as drama does.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 13

RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 12:52:33 PM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG

So he throws tantrums, you mom get's snarky and you play the victim, sounds lovely.

There was a point when I had to ask my father to be more neutral as it was time for me to find happiness in my own way. So long as you allow your mother to protect you like a little girl and interfere in your life, you are only going to be a little girl in her eyes.

And quite honestly, this defensive post doesn't help your credentials as a grown woman.

I answered to the general situation... but I did get the same impression as you regarding how the various partys are handling (or mis-handling) the situation. A bit of maturity in there might go a long way!

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 14

RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 12:52:35 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

He can't control her with "because I said so".

He has to measure up -and he hasn't. Which means work-and being strictly honorable.

no passing the buck.

BINGO

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 15

RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 1:07:30 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

He can't control her with "because I said so".

He has to measure up -and he hasn't. Which means work-and being strictly honorable.

no passing the buck.

BINGO

I'm with these two.

As much I really REALLY hate to admit it... my mother has been 100 percent right about every single man I have ever dated. And G-d does that suck! Regardless of if she outright hated them, tolerated them, or predicted their mothers would continue to hate me and would make my life miserable if I married them she was right. And, oddly enough, even though she knows that Valyraen is in charge and isn't particularly a fan of that, she loves him. She knows that no matter what, he is good for me. He cares about me, he cares about keeping his word to me, and the bottom line is that it is very clear that he loves me and will take care of me.

So... you might want to give your mother's opinion some credit.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 5/8/2008 1:08:24 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 16

RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 1:11:34 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: clearlightblack
And when I tell him I understand what he is feeling but I can't exactly say "Shut the **** up mother."

Yes, you can. I told my mother that if she behaved in certain ways around me, she would no longer be in my life. She knew that I meant it, and her actions and words are much healthier now.

I agree with other posters that you are not approaching this like a mature adult. There is a thread going on right now that a relationship -- M/s or otherwise -- is a team. If you don't defend your teammate from attack... presto, no team.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to clearlightblack)

Post #: 17

RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 1:25:57 PM

lalbobbilynn

Posts: 483
Joined: 6/11/2006
Status: offline

i could not agree more.
My mother has been married four times, and finally told me to butt the hell out. When i chose to marry seventeen yrs ago, she said not ONE word. She also honored that mindset throughout the proceeding 17yrs. Didn't matter, i could tell when she was displeased from a mile away.
Now my mother-inlaw, quite an awesome (& overbearing) lady. We meshed well until about seven yrs ago when i polietly asked her to step back a few paces. She made it a point to attempt to divide and conquer my ex and i.
Like my mother said: "bobbilynn, she can't live forever, just roll with it." And she didn't, she died eight months before i moved out.
b.~

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

If it is your phone, why do you allow your mother to answer it? If it is not your phone, have him call you on your own phone.

Why do you allow your mother to be so disrespectful to you of ANYONE in your life? When she says something like that, have you ever considered sticking up for him? Saying right then and there, "Mom, I don't appreciate that kind of talk or tone."

There are reasons why my mother is not privy to the same info about men in my life that my best friend is. And one of those reasons is the type of reaction your mother had.

Cali

< Message edited by lalbobbilynn -- 5/8/2008 1:27:31 PM >

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 18

RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 1:56:44 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

I went back to your original post, and you asked for understanding of several things. When we gave our opinions, you defended what everybody was doing. Do you want us to just say that you are right, your dom is being an ass and your mother is being an ass?

You are allowing your mother to insert herself (or you are inserting her) into intimate places in your life. If you allow that, then you get what comes with it. It's not about hiding things. It's about appropriate mother/daughter boundaries that are right for you. If your current boundaries were right for you, you wouldn't be having the problems you are. No one answers my phone in my home that does not live there. If I'm in the bathroom, the answering machine will pick it up. That is a boundary that I have set in my life. I don't tell my mother about disagreements with men except for things my exhusband is currently doing (and we will never get back together or I wouldn't even be telling her that).

You are not stopping the drama, by not appropriately responding to the criticism of one to the other. If you told your mother to stop it, then your dom (ex-dom? potential future dom?) wouldn't be having a tantrum. If you told him to call you back when he could discuss it rationally, then you wouldn't have to listen to him pitching a fit. (I won't even go into the power exchange issues on that one - and no, I'm not rationalizing his tantrums, I'm saying that you are enabling them)

When he asks what your mother said about your fight, what is your response? Do you tell your mother about your fights? His question sounds to me like he is feeling betrayed, because you are talking to your mother about fights with him. And your mother is judging him because of disagreements that are none of her business.

I am not an only child, but I grew up without my siblings. I fail to see what being an only child has to do with establishing healthy boundaries in all of your relationships.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to lalbobbilynn)

Post #: 19

RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 2:04:05 PM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: clearlightblack

Her feelings about him are justified. To her he needs to prove himself. I just want them to just get along and together they play ping pong with me. I stick up for one and then the other over and over and over again.

People do what you allow them to do. Stop playing the victim - refuse to be put in the middle. This is totally within your power.

< Message edited by batshalom -- 5/8/2008 2:05:03 PM >

(in reply to clearlightblack)

Post #: 20

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