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RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 2:08:19 PM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		 

if i dated a man who threw temper tantrums and yelled at me all the time because of someone elses behavior, i wouldn't think of him as a dominant man, let alone a man; his behavior is that of an emotionally reactive and whiney two year old who needs a nap.

as for you, just remember:  people will only treat you the way you allow them to.


(in reply to clearlightblack)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 2:09:53 PM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline 		It sounds like you have already chosen sides. Let him go.

(in reply to clearlightblack)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 2:30:24 PM   
clearlightblack


Posts: 107
Joined: 3/3/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick
Do you want us to just say that you are right, your dom is being an ass and your mother is being an ass?

When he asks what your mother said about your fight, what is your response? Do you tell your mother about your fights? His question sounds to me like he is feeling betrayed, because you are talking to your mother about fights with him. And your mother is judging him because of disagreements that are none of her business. 


In answer to your first question, I'd rather have the truth.  And I accept that i had a small tantrum of my own as I was answering the post above.

For your subsequent questions..........I tell him the truth I don't involve her in our fights, I don't tell her about them and if she asks about anything I tell her this is between him and I, stay out of it. (Though it never stops her from opening her mouth).

He always assumes I talk to her about things, which I don't. I don't know how else to tell him. Our relationship is our relationship.

Telling her to "stop it" even when he and i are on the phone doesn't curb his angry out bursts.  He still feels he'll never be able to make up for the past.  I have never asked him to.  I've forgiven and forgotten. I am trying to start again.  But they hate each other.  I'll try to avoid letting anyone answer the phone other than me, at least that will keep them from having any sort of verbal contact

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 3:02:24 PM   
subtee


Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: clearlightblack

For your subsequent questions..........I tell him the truth I don't involve her in our fights, I don't tell her about them and if she asks about anything I tell her this is between him and I, stay out of it. (Though it never stops her from opening her mouth).

He always assumes I talk to her about things, which I don't. I don't know how else to tell him. Our relationship is our relationship.

Telling her to "stop it" even when he and i are on the phone doesn't curb his angry out bursts.  He still feels he'll never be able to make up for the past.  I have never asked him to.  I've forgiven and forgotten. I am trying to start again.  But they hate each other.  I'll try to avoid letting anyone answer the phone other than me, at least that will keep them from having any sort of verbal contact


However in the OP you said:
quote:

I even explained to him that if he so needs my mother's approval than he needs to understand that she can't easily forgive his inconsiderate actions and promises that he made to me that weren't completed. 


So she has been made aware and he is justified in believing that you talk to her about it. Own up.

I did the same thing--commiserated with my Mom about "the creature," my ex, when we were still married. It doesn't work because you vent she feels it, you go back and make up and she doesn't get that part. She's left with the mad-on. (Now, happily, she and I can go on and on and on and on about what a shrimp-dicked, sociopathic, knuckle-dragging, passive aggressive, egotistical mouth breather he is. We laugh!)
 
quote:

I stick up for one and then the other over and over and over again.
My suggestion is not to do this anymore.

Best

_____________________________

Don't believe everything you think...

(in reply to clearlightblack)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 3:05:06 PM   
ProfJoe


Posts: 75
Joined: 6/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

quote:

ORIGINAL: charlotteS

Tantrums aren't attractive in anyone, Dominant or submissive but if the only number he has to reach you is one that she commonly answers I can see why he would care about her approval.  She's obviously a part of your life and someone he is going to have to interact with on a regular basis.  I know Master would probably go crazy if he ran the risk of speaking to my mother everytime he called me. 

charlotte  




There's a saying "love me, love my dog."  Fortunately, my slave doesn't have a dog :|

I'm not in this relationship for her mother; I'm in it for her.  If her mother seriously impeded our relationship, and she had no interest in addressing that, I wouldn't keep her.

Stephan


 
It's hard to disagree with this.

Of course he may be neurotic as hell. Or maybe "mom" is a source of problems in you. For example, perhaps you're living with mom now and keep running home every time something happens. Or, like I said, maybe he's really into his own hangups. God knows, I am.

Whatever ... to answer your question, his tirade has nothing to do with being a dominant. I checked the manual. But personally, I agree with Stephann ... if "you" want me, make sure mom doesn't get in the way -- starting by keeping her away from your phone. Of course if it's HER phone ... that's your problem.

Best wishes,
ProfJoe

(in reply to Stephann)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 3:10:12 PM   
clearlightblack


Posts: 107
Joined: 3/3/2008
Status: offline 		  just for the record I own my own home

(in reply to ProfJoe)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 5:03:19 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		I would assume this is why he is your ex, is that so? If you're trying to have one relationship when another with him did not work, nothing will work, IMHO. Apart from which, your mother likely has pretty much sussed out why this guy is bad, perhaps you should listen to her. I am sorry to say it like this, but he sounds like a loser, or a wanker, or a combination of both. There are other men out there, you know, even in Indiana..

(in reply to clearlightblack)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 5:12:51 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		1. So he's broken promises to you and he yells at you.  Why are you considering him to be a Dom?  He does not have the sense of honor it needs.

2. your mother doesn't care how much stress she adds to the relationship.  She wants you out of it. 

4. If you stood up for yourself and kicked this "dom's" butt to the curb, your mother would not feel she has to watch over you.

4. That said, it's your relationship, not hers.  She is right that you should be out of it but wrong in how she goes about that.  If she respects you, then she needs to discuss this with you and come to an agreement, not sabotage the relationship.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 5:40:34 PM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		I'm not sure, reading this thread, that I'm convinced he threw any tantrums.  I know that if my slave's mother tried reaming me out on the phone, for any reason, there's a good bet I wouldn't have stayed on it long enough to actually talk to the slave anyway.  Had she gotten on the line, I'd have been miffed, and I'd have made it clear, that I was miffed; not in an accusatory way mind you, since I don't hold my slave responsible for her mother.  But I would have expected at least some empathy from my slave, on why I'm irritable.  He was irritated, expressed that irritation, and you took it personally.  Naturally, there isn't going to be a positive outcome here.

So, like OmegaG suggested, it sounds like you're taking this opportunity to play victim to both your mom ("that asshole keeps calling!") your dom ("that woman won't butt out of my affairs, pity me!") and us ("what's wrong with these people!")  When everyone around you starts pointing out where you're going wrong, maybe it's time to saddle up to the mirror?

Stephan




_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 6:49:46 PM   
kinkypuppy2


Posts: 345
Joined: 11/4/2007
Status: offline 		I tend to agee with you. but you might want to think about a seperate phone

_____________________________

See nic "Kinkypupper" also as "slvseeker" As I cannot reply to any posts or log into collarchat under that name I had to create this profile.

(in reply to clearlightblack)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 7:32:08 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick
If it is your phone, why do you allow your mother to answer it?  If it is not your phone, have him call you on your own phone.

Why do you allow your mother to be so disrespectful to you of ANYONE in your life? When she says something like that, have you ever considered sticking up for him? Saying right then and there, "Mom, I don't appreciate that kind of talk or tone."

There are reasons why my mother is not privy to the same info about men in my life that my best friend is.  And one of those reasons is the type of reaction your mother had.

Cali

Ditto this completely.  You might not be able to control your mom, but you can train her behavior over time.  She needs to control her comments- they are neither desired nor acceptable.  This will require a talking to directly to let her know the expectations have shifted and what isn't going to be ok in the future, and then continued follow through on your part- if she makes a comment, remind her that this is inappropriate and offer to change the subject.  If she chooses not to, then hang up or leave immediately. 

Now, your dom seems to have overreacted as well and that's not very good.  Getting pissy won't solve the issue.  He will have to accept that your mother may never like or approve- that's ok.  However, he does have a right to expect you to not allow her to make comments or DO anything to express her disapproval other than remove her own presence in a quiet mannerful way without some consequences.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/8/2008 10:25:21 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		Seems to me that both are fighting to be the most important person in your life, to be your alpha..eventually from what you have written, they will expect a choice to be made...she feels the protective mother to her cub thing..she does not want to see you unhappy and that this man is not good enough...he feels he has to not only fight his way back into a good relationship, but also has to compete with mom  to be the one you trust and turn to first!..somehow you need to find a balance for them both..reassurance to the mom on letting you live your life and learn from it as she did in her life, that she cannot wrap you in cotton wool and protect you from the world..much as she would like.. and to simply support what decision you make in your relationships, but that if such fails, that you are a strong enough woman to come out okay when all is said and done..You need to reiterate to him over and over if necessary, that his opinions and directions are important to you and that most of the time he is the most important person in your life, that he will come first, with the exception of any sort of situational issue that may crop up in the normal day to day living...you need to let them both know that their behavior is counter productive and that all will lose in the end if it continues....Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to clearlightblack)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/9/2008 4:38:38 AM   
stubborngirl


Posts: 39
Joined: 2/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: clearlightblack

  just for the record I own my own home



um...if you own your own home, why is mommie dearest answering your private telephone?
My mother did that ONCE, as well as listened to my messages, and opening my mail. She was also quite vocal with her opinions of any man I was dating at the time to the point where I had to tell her that any conversation that had to do with he and I was strictly off limits if she wanted to continue to have a relationship with me.

There are just some (ok, plenty) of things you just don't need to be tellin' your mama.

(in reply to clearlightblack)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/9/2008 3:40:17 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		He hurt you. She loves you. Why should she forgive him when he hasn't changed? More importantly why are you contemplating allowing him back into your life when his reaction to having it pointed out that he isn't trustworthy is to attack you?

He needs to stand up to the plate. He needs to call her and ask her to talk to him. He needs to acknowledge his shortcomings and apologize for hurting you. He needs to tell her that he knows he has to earn her trust and respect.

And until he's able to accept that, he isn't able to do it. Your mother doesn't want you to settle for someone who doesn't deserve you. Why are you so willing to do so?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to stubborngirl)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/9/2008 4:08:31 PM   
Huntertn


Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline 		No matter what he thinks of your mother.. or even what you think of your mother...she is still your mother..and it seems her heart is in the right place[on your side it seems].No Dom needs to be that worried about his subs mother.  In fact, it sounds more like he hates to be called on his mistakes..lets face it, Doms make mistakes like anyone else...but We are supposed to learn from them.  Landsake child, go get a grown-up for a Dom!!!
                               Huntertn
ps..That was soo much fun
 

(in reply to batshalom)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/9/2008 9:53:00 PM   
DarkVictory


Posts: 247
Joined: 8/7/2004
Status: offline 		The other piece that you're not addressing is why your 'dom' can't even charm your mother.  If he's made and broken promises, if she thinks of him as 'Oh god, it's him...', then he's been an ass.  He has no right to be throwing tantrums.  He needs to get his act together, and learn to be an adult.

Too many 'dominants' use their assumed position as an excuse to not have to be an adult.  First, learn to master yourself, your emotions, your actions.  Learn to keep your promises.  Do what you said you would do, when you said you would do it, and if you can't, then the moment you know that you're not going to keep your promise, say so.  Then clean up the mess made, and make a new promise.  Live as an honorable human being.  Be someone worthy of beiong looked up to, don't just demand it.

When you can stand as an adult, an honorable man of integrity, and take what life gives without complaint, then you've begun to master yourself.  It's at that moment that you become someone who can lead others.

My advice to you is to tell your 'dom' to stop being a cunt to you and your mom, to grow the fuck up, and be a man.

All your mom wants is for you to have a great life.  Honor that.

(in reply to clearlightblack)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/9/2008 11:21:23 PM   
joiduvie


Posts: 15
Joined: 4/30/2007
Status: offline 		Hi, not for nothing, but you indicated you had forgiven him for a bad past, well your Mom may have a reason to dislike him.  And quite frankly, if he is pissy about you talking to her and yelling, he does not seem to be much in control of himself or his actions.  I am with your Mom dump the bum and get a real man, who can suck it up and realise they need to rebuild trust it is just not handed over

(in reply to DarkVictory)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/10/2008 7:20:26 AM   
clearlightblack


Posts: 107
Joined: 3/3/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkVictory

The other piece that you're not addressing is why your 'dom' can't even charm your mother.  If he's made and broken promises, if she thinks of him as 'Oh god, it's him...', then he's been an ass.  He has no right to be throwing tantrums.  He needs to get his act together, and learn to be an adult.

Too many 'dominants' use their assumed position as an excuse to not have to be an adult.  First, learn to master yourself, your emotions, your actions.  Learn to keep your promises.  Do what you said you would do, when you said you would do it, and if you can't, then the moment you know that you're not going to keep your promise, say so.  Then clean up the mess made, and make a new promise.  Live as an honorable human being.  Be someone worthy of beiong looked up to, don't just demand it.

When you can stand as an adult, an honorable man of integrity, and take what life gives without complaint, then you've begun to master yourself.  It's at that moment that you become someone who can lead others.

My advice to you is to tell your 'dom' to stop being a cunt to you and your mom, to grow the fuck up, and be a man.

All your mom wants is for you to have a great life.  Honor that.



When I read this I couldn't help but say "FINALLY! Someone has said what I have been thinking and stewing about for days. I am a forgiving person and i can look passed people's flaws, but at what point do I have to give up on the person?

I once adored my Dom and I hoped for the longest time he would get better.......2 days ago he said something that I will not repeat and in my mind I said exactly this " stop being such a little bitch, to grow the fuck up, and be a man......" as I listen to his voicemail.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you....I doubt there enough thank yous in the work Dark Victory

(in reply to DarkVictory)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/10/2008 7:44:04 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		Okay then, you're going to tell him to stop being a cunt? How's that going to work out?

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to clearlightblack)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Doms & Mothers - 5/10/2008 9:01:56 AM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		Frankly it wont work out ....no man wants to be told he is behaving like a cunt..so hence end of trying to form relationship..do I feel he is behaving well?..NOOOO..do I feel OP is behaving well?..NOPE...do I feel the Mom is behaving well?..not in the slightest...You know I have heard about a 3 way...but....this one seems to be a sadists and even a masochists utterly delightful dream!..and all the emotional knot tying makes shibari look like a simple twist tie on a loaf of bread.....Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 40
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