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Is paranoia my friend? - 5/9/2008 7:11:28 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		Those of you who know me know i am probably one of the worst on cm for getting myself into bad relationships. I lay no blame on anyone but myself and bad judgement calls.
For example there was the one with the wife who i didn't know about for a long time *cringes*.
There was the one where it was poly and his girl went all schizo and weird and it went pear shaped.
Then there was the one that kept bouncing in and out of my life til i could take no more.
The one who was supposably single and then i got 0ver 150 text messages in one night from three other girls he was involved with. Oh and yes stupid me still stayed with him for a while, right up until the point that he was supposed to be coming up for the weekend and then just didnt show. No call, no nothing. Then the texts started up again and i walked away. Must be a slow learner huh?
There was however the one that worked perfectly up until  my needs changed and i decided i wanted a relationship. Yay i got one right.
Anyway i now find myself in a position where i have been speaking to a Dom for quite a while. I've known him for a good 12 months i reckon and we were going to hook up but something always got in the way. Finally though the time has become right and he was supposed to be coming up for the weekend (today). He lives four and a bit hours from me and so obviously was going to drive up. His car packed in about three days ago though and he has been attempting to fix, get it fixed since.
Over the last couple of days the contact we have had has been very minimal. He hasnt replied to some of my texts, not always answered the phone. 
Today i recieved a text to say his car is still not fixed but he so needs to get up here with a sad face. That was about three - four hours ago and i have heard nothing since. Ive sent a couple of texts, tried phoning, asked him to let me know if he still plans on coming up or not.
Now my question is am i being paranoid or is history just about to repeat itself? After all there could be so many reasons for none answered texts, phone calls. No credit, head under the bonnet, somewhere too noisy to hear his phone, like a garage. Or it could just be that he isnt coming and has no intentions of letting me know.
Threads like submission which meantion sub frenzy have me thinking you see. Like i said in there i would like to think i have common sense, intelligence etc but know that at times i have certainly not used them. Is this a case of that?
Another thread making assumptions and laying blame. Am i making an assumption that because it has been done to me before this guy is just going to do it me again. Am i being judgemental of him without all the facts?
I thought, wondering now, that my time away from here and the lifestyle to a certain degree had given me new perspectives, new direction. Thought i had analysed my past mistakes and past repeated mistakes and id got myself back on my feet ready to move on.
Now im left wondering am i really ready to jump back in?
Is paranoia my friend this time?

 

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RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/9/2008 7:30:13 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Such is life in the UK. I would'nt worry about the bad choices that you have made. It seems like there are very few good choices there avaliable to you. Hang in there and try to find someone with a car that runs.

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RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/9/2008 7:37:21 AM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		It's like the caption on a Car Mirror ~ Caution, objects appear closer then they are. 
What we've experianced will always throw up a red flag when a similar instance rears it's head.
I'd say like any flag, take the time to look it over and see if it has holes in it.  



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RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/9/2008 8:02:15 AM   
subtee


Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline 		Hi Miss!

I think an attitude of healthy skeptisim would be wise. If you're correct and he's not coming, hopefully you'll not be too hurt. If you're wrong and he shows up, happy surprise.

Nice to see you back!
(How's the pub?)

Tee

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RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/9/2008 8:10:23 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline 		The 'what ifs' are probably not too helpful for you at the moment and it sounds like it would be too early to know one way or the other if he is coming or not.  Is there something lovely and relaxing  (and distracting) that you can do for yourself for the next few hours....go for a walk, coffee with a friend, have a bath, go to the gym?



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RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/9/2008 8:19:12 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		not answering texts really says it all....i am sorry Miss, i wish you the best.


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RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/9/2008 8:47:06 AM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline
quote:

Those of you who know me know i am probably one of the worst on cm for getting myself into bad relationships.


I really doubt this. Just, cause, like, ya know, I've done some really messed up shit.

quote:

Like i said in there i would like to think i have common sense, intelligence etc but know that at times i have certainly not used them. Is this a case of that?  


Common sense and intelligence are fundamentally different things and operate in totally different directions.  Common sense helps to keep you out of trouble.  Intelligence helps to get you into trouble.  Common sense helps to keep you in line with the tried and true, but, if not tempered, gets stultifying and oppressive.  Intelligence, if not tempered, will take you where no one else in their right mind would go.  Common sense socializes while intelligence indivuates.

quote:

Thought i had analysed my past mistakes and past repeated mistakes and id got myself back on my feet ready to move on. 


The past is no sure and certain guide to the future.  One of my favorite sayings is "History is the science of what only happens once."  Anlysing your past is great, and should be done in the interests of self-awareness especially since we are the products of our pasts, mistakes and all.  But, there's no garuntee that its going to have any impact on your ability to make new, and totally different, mistakes. 

Are you being paranoid?  Maybe.  But, even if you are, so long as you don't act on your paranoia it shouldn't be a problem.  It might help to be patient, momentarily disinvest yourself and your emotions from the outcome, and let events take their course.  When you know for sure whats going on, decide what to do. 

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RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/9/2008 8:56:15 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Miss,

Knowing you have issues is a MASSIVE step towards dealing with them, examining yourself is the work you need to do to get better.  Congratulations!  Think about this, you pick bad partners but seem to be successful at your life goals, others pick better partners but suck at meeting life goals so don't forget to realize the good you are doing!

That said, what follows are some random thoughts.

You are fairly cut, hot by bdsm standards

This guy has a car that is unreliable and can't find the money to fix it?  Doesn't sound overly responsible or stable.  That isn't a deal killer but it IS something that should go into the decision calculator.

I am in school and broke as hell most of the time (by choice ) but I have sold precious things, busted my ass, etc. to make sure I have plenty of money when BSB comes.

I have a thing Lisa and I picked up somewhere called "trust in good intentions" which means that you don't instantly assume the worst.  Proven stupidity repeated voids the trust but if a partner in otherwise good standing has an issue, "trust in good intentions" till proved otherwise.  This is a balance as it doesn't say "trust blindly in good intentions"!

If I was in the UK and wanted to see some hot chick and my car was down, I would take the train and leave my car in the shop.

However, if I get all guilty I get locked up and just ignore the situation.  Not good I know but perhaps the guy feels like a loser because he can't get his car running and is hiding.  Not overly mature but hey, it IS human.  Explain to him that you expect him to be human, not perfect and that good communication is more important than money.

Offer to come see him so you don't need a car.

Now, here is the key.  Leaping into bed with people hasn't caused you problems, it is leaping into relationships that has caused you problems.  Spread your legs as fast as you want, open your heart a lot slower.  Allow them the time to prove themselves to you, that their actions match up with your expectations. 

Take me as an example, I have ALWAYS been a smooth talker, I have always sounded pretty Domly but it is only the last 1 1/2 relationships that I have even been a decent partner!  So, stay out of a relationship until you have allowed them to prove that they are who they say (or even, as in my case, think) they are.  I didn't even realize what an ass I was, I really thought I was a great guy.  Keep that in mind.

Don't be desperate, you deserve a great partner, relax and let it happen.

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RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/9/2008 8:57:17 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl

Are you being paranoid?  Maybe.  But, even if you are, so long as you don't act on your paranoia it shouldn't be a problem.  It might help to be patient, momentarily disinvest yourself and your emotions from the outcome, and let events take their course.  When you know for sure whats going on, decide what to do. 


I can only second this great advice.  And don't beat yourself up too much.  See what you can learn from this, for the future.  However it turns out, there is a lesson in this.

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RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/9/2008 10:03:20 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		My litmus test is... what is the plan?  If someone wants to see me, and they proclaim, "I'VE GOT TO SEE YOU!", then my question is, "great, whats your plan?"  The car breaks down... okay, whats the plan?  If there is no plan, then I take the original sentiment (got to see you) with a grain of salt.

Cali




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RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/9/2008 11:43:13 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Most of us, well all of us if everyone were to be honest, make some pretty bad choices at times. For some unfathomable reason, some make them more often or at the worst times. Having said that, there some who get into a rut and seem to be driven to make more bad choices about specific areas than most. For example we all know of the battered wife syndrome where the lady keeps returning to her brutal husband or if not takes up with a similar character who probably beat her. There is a lot of discussions amongst Psychologists and Psuchiatrists as to what causes it but essentially most of us are more attracted to certain types of people and each time in the bad choice ar4ena thery believe that this time things will be different. It tendt to be the more thinking and intelligent people who are in this type of bad choice who question their own sanity. That at least is a start ofor breaking a cycle. Mind you partanoia is not always a bad thing. I remember years ago that a lecturer in Psychology and who had an exclusive high priced private practice too, commented that it is healthy to have your very own Personal Paranoia. It keeps you sane and stops you thinking that you are sane and everyone else is insane.

Iron Bear
Master of Bruin Cottage
(A Victorian Lifestyle poly home)

"I judge a Man by what I see him do and not by what others tell me he does." (Captain Sir Edward Pellew of the HMS Indefatigable to Midshipman Hornblower ~ C.S. Forrester)


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RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/9/2008 11:57:53 AM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Is paranoia my friend this time?


No.  Paranoia is a baseless or excessive suspicion of the motives of others.  While caution and common sense are attributes you should embrace, paranoia is not. 

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RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/9/2008 12:10:20 PM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		When there was someone I 'needed' to see and she was 500 miles away... I caught a train! If the potential You see is strong enough then You make sure You are where You said You where going to be WHEN You said You where going to be there. Words are cheep and actions speak louder.

Too many people say one thing and do another, anyone in this lifestyle knows that is especialy the case with many wannabes, so if You are not a wannabe You make sure circumstances don't let You appear to be such.... If I said I would be somewhere at a certain time them it would take something of the scale of being hit by a stray bus to stop Me. It isn't just My girl who relies on that, My friends do to!

"While caution and common sense are attributes you should embrace" very true... personaly I would assume a no-show and get on with enjoying the evening. If He surprizes you and turns up then it is a pleasent surprize and you can take it from there.




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RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/9/2008 12:17:05 PM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

... Anyway i now find myself in a position where i have been speaking to a Dom for quite a while. I've known him for a good 12 months i reckon and we were going to hook up but something always got in the way. 


Please tell me that this isn't THIS GUY...

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RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/9/2008 1:03:40 PM   
StormsSlave


Posts: 629
Joined: 2/6/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Is paranoia my friend this time?


No.  Paranoia is a baseless or excessive suspicion of the motives of others.  While caution and common sense are attributes you should embrace, paranoia is not. 


I happen to disagree with TKY on this one.  A healthy dose of paranoia can keep you sane and safe, and help you recover when you trust someone and they hurt you.  Of course said dose should be taken with a very large spoonful of common sense.  I'm not saying that later on in the relationship the paranoia shouldn't disappear,  but right now you are working out of your own history of making bad choices for yourself where men are concerned (no judgements here.  I've could tell you some whoppers of my own) and really don't know this guy all that well to be handing over any trust.

He could be elbow deep in grease trying to reattach some vital component to the car, like the drive shaft.  He coulda chickened out, thinking you wouldn't like him.  He might even be in the midst of a family emergency that came up as he was driving to see you.  (Since all of the above has happened to me or my date at some point, I hope you see my point.)  Or, he could be standing you up.  Either way, nothing you can do about any of it to change a thing.

My advice: throw on something sexy, go window shopping, grab a buddy (or not) and hit the pub for something fun and strong.  Leave him a text and a note on your door (a BRIEF one) as to the instructions of where you will be and have a good time.  If he shows up, he can join the party.  If not, not.  Worrying isn't going to change the outcome either way.

As for making bad decisions in relationships, boy, howdy I could tell you some whoppers.  At least you are striving to overcome them, and examining your own responsibility in them.  There's the key to avoiding the same mistakes in the future.

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RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/9/2008 1:27:13 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

... Anyway i now find myself in a position where i have been speaking to a Dom for quite a while. I've known him for a good 12 months i reckon and we were going to hook up but something always got in the way.


Please tell me that this isn't THIS GUY...



So what if it is TreasureKY? What difference does it make?

I somehow see this from both sides of the fence. It's okay to say if his car is not running then get a train. But what if he can't afford the train ticket? What is wrong with the car? How much is repairing the car going to cost? What if he doesn't have the money? This is life, these things happen.

I also understand him not answering all the texts and not answering the phone. If you're not sure then you don't know what to say. I do this sometimes with people. But not with people who are close to me, or who matter. If I have problems then I admit I have problems anbd explain my circumstances. Yes things happen, life gets in the way, but as the others have said you can actually find a way round your circumstances and find a way through.

Therefore I see it from the other side too. You can talk all you like, you can have the best intentions, but so what? I have always had good intentions, but I've made a lot of mistakes, many of the things I have tried to do in life have ended in failure, then there's the broken relationships, my issues. I take responsibility for my issues and for my part in my previous relationships, but that responsibility can only go so far. Life has been difficult, but it's been interesting, and at least I cannot say my life is ever unfulfilled or boring.

But yes I get the same fears whenever someone new turns up. I can only go on my past experiences and the people I have met. Will it work out? Why isn't it working out? Is it me? Is it them? What if...? If only...? Ravenmuse is right, some people say one thing and do another.

I get the same thing in theatre. Almost fifty people have passed through the theatre just to find half a dozen. I've adopted the same approach. If you want to be there, then be there, if not, then don't say so. People aren't toys to pick up and drop whenever you feel like it. They have feelings, hearts, minds, pasts, fears, and emotions.

What can I say? Some people can get it together, some people can't, and some people just don't get their priorities right.

Not sure about paranoia, try emotional detachment. It's a much better friend. This is how I feel. I'm perfectly capable of playing mindgames with myself, I don't need someone else to do it for me. Relationships only happen when two people need to be with each other and want to be with each other so much that it happens.

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RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/9/2008 2:19:19 PM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline 		He could rent a  car if you mean that much to him.  Follow your intuition.

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RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/9/2008 2:38:28 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Is paranoia my friend this time?


No.  Paranoia is a baseless or excessive suspicion of the motives of others.  While caution and common sense are attributes you should embrace, paranoia is not. 


I agree

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RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/9/2008 2:39:36 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		People keep saying he could rent a car...or take a train...or a bus.  But stop and think for a moment folks...IF his car is broken, then it is going to cost money to fix.  Depending on his circumstances and what it costs to rent a car/take a train/etc. AND what it will cost to fix his car, he may have some choices to make...fix my car and then try to get there?  Rent a car/take a train-bus but then, not be able to afford to fix my car when I get back and have to wait to repair it?  How do I get to work/school/around at all then?

Not answering texts or phone calls?  Yes, it might be an indication that something is going on but like Michael noted...it does not have to be.  I prefer to approach people with the "I am willing to look upon you favorably UNTIL you screw me over" approach.  Being willing to look upon someone's actions with favor does not mean that you are open to everything...it just means that you are willing to have some confidence and trust in this person whom you have been speaking with and NOT letting past issues color your outlook while still remaining cautious...hence the UNTIL "warning". 

You just might have a bit of a problem going into relationships a bit fast...fun can be had without it ending up as a relationship and sometimes, for both men and women, the feeling that comes across that "something" is a relationship before it is in their mind can be a bit disconcerting.  It can also lead to suspicions of intent where there is no need.

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RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/9/2008 3:00:19 PM   
MladyHathor


Posts: 510
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline 		Perhaps the cold chill of reality is creeping in---as many have said before, where there is a will, there is a way--and it seems--not this time.
 
 
Huge hugs, I hope it ends well but a tad of girding the loins as they say may not hurt.

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