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RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/11/2008 4:22:50 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
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From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation
...Now im left wondering am i really ready to jump back in?
Is paranoia my friend this time?

If we were all good at predicting love’s course, we would all still be in our first relationships.

Emotional paranoia doesn’t lead to trust. Trust is usually a basis for a fertile and growing love. I don’t see it being to useful in guiding your emotions in plan A.

However, logical paranoia may be a good excuse to make a reasonable course for plan B should plan A not work out so well.

-good luck

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Post #: 61

RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/12/2008 4:14:56 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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Coming in late: I agree that you are nowhere near the bad relationship queen here. Even I would still pit my past missteps against yours.

But I think perhaps one of the main issues is that you are already having to DECIDE on something. There's no pressure here. I know you want it to be a fun hot sexy kink weekend- but even if it was, what then? A kinky fun hot sexy weekend is nothing to base a relationship on. He shows, he doesn't show. He gives a good reason or he doesn't. All this is at this point is more information. Unless he does something egregious, there's no reason to worry about making any choices yet.

So if I were to say you were paranoid about anything, it would be not allowing yourself to just go with the flow and see how things play out- why not give yourself a six month hold on any serious commitments?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 62

RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/13/2008 12:15:38 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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I probably should comment that a personal paranoia is only your friend when it works positively for you and ypou are in control. In such cases it is more akin to a bloody great red flag which starts waving under specific conditions. As such it reminds you of things to avoid. When it gets out of control and starts driving you as seen in such cases as OCD you do indeed have a problem which needs immediatge attention and help....

Iron Bear
Master of Bruin Cottage
(A Victorian Lifestyle poly home)

"I judge a Man by what I see him do and not by what others tell me he does." (Captain Sir Edward Pellew of the HMS Indefatigable to Midshipman Hornblower ~ C.S. Forrester)

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 63

RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/13/2008 7:08:49 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
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quote:

Coming in late: I agree that you are nowhere near the bad relationship queen here. Even I would still pit my past missteps against yours.

Have to admit i'd been looking for a response from you LA. I thought you'd given me up as a hopeless case.

quote:

He shows, he doesn't show.

I'm going with this but there really is only so long i can brush it off and say 'yes its fine to cancel and reschedule again.' At some point i have to give up the ghost.

quote:

why not give yourself a six month hold on any serious commitments?

I think all this has shown me im not ready to make any serious commitments anyway.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 64

RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/13/2008 7:10:04 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
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quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

I probably should comment that a personal paranoia is only your friend when it works positively for you and ypou are in control. In such cases it is more akin to a bloody great red flag which starts waving under specific conditions. As such it reminds you of things to avoid. When it gets out of control and starts driving you as seen in such cases as OCD you do indeed have a problem which needs immediatge attention and help....

Iron Bear
Master of Bruin Cottage
(A Victorian Lifestyle poly home)

"I judge a Man by what I see him do and not by what others tell me he does." (Captain Sir Edward Pellew of the HMS Indefatigable to Midshipman Hornblower ~ C.S. Forrester)

My paranoia has not been healthy recently. I can recognise this. At least i have learnt something lol.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 65

RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/13/2008 9:17:41 AM

Owner4SexSlave

Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
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First, of all perhaps you should not look at these failed relationships as your own Bad Choices.   Really, are you responsible for somebody elses false advertising? Are you somehow responsible for the lies and games your partner played on you?

Many times, after a failed relationship we say to ourselves... I made a Bad choice and we hold ourselves responsible for getting ourselves into a mess. However, there is a limit to what we are responsible for.

There was really no way for many of us to actually tell before hand that things would turn out to be bad.   We don't own magic crystal balls that we can see into the future.   We proceed down a path, with faith and hope, and with dreams and aspirations that things will work out for the best, and we try our best that we can.

Really, was it a bad choice? Meaning that you made a bad choice? If you had known the truth about things or what would happen would you have honestly made the choices you did?

In the last few years, I've been involved with some women that frankly just were not right for me. Yes, I took a few things to heart.   However, did I honestly make a bad choice or poor decision to get involved with them.   Honestly, I can look myself in the mirror and say No.   I am not responsible for their fucked behaviors, problems, issues, lies or games they played. Shame on them, not me.   I made a good choice! I made a decision to try a relationship out, I made a decision to put myself into it and make it work.   I'm proud that I did what I did. No regrets for my choices.

What I'm trying to express to you, is that you should have no regrets for being bold and giving it your all. For going for it.

Am I attracted to certain things in somebody, you betcha I am. The things that Initially attracted me to these women, are not bad ugly things. In fact, these women had some very wonderful qualities about them.   OK, So she was a game player, that's a bad Quality, however there must have been something wonderful about her that I was attracted to. Yes!   Ok, so one turns out to really be an angry drunk girl with lots of issues. However, she has some really kick ass qualities. Does this mean I made a bad choice.   I think it would be a bad choice if I had not broke things off with her. I think it would have been a bad choice if I we have moved in and lived together.   However, me getting involved with her, this was not a Bad Choice. I had no way in hell of actually knowing it was gonna turn out bad.

Give yourself some credit where credit is due.   You are not responsible for the girl that went schizo, you had no idea in hell of knowing this would happen when you got involved.

Sounds like you've made some great choices on bad or fucked up people.   Basically, you should not blame nor kick yourself in the ass for it.

OK, back awhile ago, I was kicking myself in the Ass. Why? Because I care and give a damn about things.   I took a few things to heart and I even became very hard on myself.  Yes, I went through this whole whirlwind process.   Hell, I was even questioning if I had been or was being Passive Aggressive. LOL.   Not really.  Yes, I did manage to finally have a good face to face meeting with her one weekend. Now, somebody from this Board actually went so far to tell me that my actions did not seem to be PA behavior.   So, I was being hard on myself and kicking myself in the ass over something I should not have been.  Was this a bad decision? Not really, because I never seriously thought about reading up on PA behavior and seeing where it applied to me, my life and my experiences in life.   It made me think and see many things in a slightly different light.

Anyways, enough of using myself as an example. I honestly, don't think you made bad choices. Like I said you made a great choices on bad people with fucked up problems and issues.

I'm giving you the whole, It's better to have lived and loved, than to have never lived nor loved kick in the ass here. Or better yet, You tried and did you best, which is a lot better then not trying at all.  You went for it.

Things don't work out the way we planned nor like, if we are not honestly responsible for the failure of something, we need to simply pick ourselves up, pat ourselves on the back for doing the best we could. Then look forward to what's Next. Time to move on with life.   You may or may not get burned again, it's a risk we all take when we get involved with other people.

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 66

RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/13/2008 1:44:11 PM

lateralist1

Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

Hi,
He just doesn't sound like a Dom to me.
Everything sounds wrong.
If you can't trust him enough to even turn up when he says he will how are you going to trust him to 'play' with you.
Meet him as a friend if you want to but is he really your idea of a dominant man?
In fact you sound a lot more dominant than he does lol.
Ever thought of becoming a Domme?
Congratulations on the pub by the way if it's already working well then you must be a very good landlady.
If you would like to mail me the name of the pub if I'm ever in Bradford I'll drop in and say hi. You can trust me to do what I say I will do.

(in reply to Owner4SexSlave)

Post #: 67

RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/14/2008 3:00:01 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
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[qote] If you can't trust him enough to even turn up when he says he will how are you going to trust him to 'play' with you.
He has never given me reason not to trust him. My mistrust comes from old wounds maybe not quite healed properly.

quote:

Meet him as a friend if you want to but is he really your idea of a dominant man?

Well as i have not met him in person yet i can't say for sure. However from our phone, msn, cm convos hes pretty much my idea of what i'd like yes.

quote:

In fact you sound a lot more dominant than he does lol.
Ever thought of becoming a Domme?

Funnily enough i twice explored the possibilty.
Did wax play both times and the first i just thought was funny and laughed all the way through. The second i decided it was my turn and the guy looked at me in absolute mortification. Never saw him again lol.

quote:

Congratulations on the pub by the way if it's already working well then you must be a very good landlady.

Thank you its coming along pretty well.

quote:

If you would like to mail me the name of the pub if I'm ever in Bradford I'll drop in and say hi. You can trust me to do what I say I will do.

On it's way.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to lateralist1)

Post #: 68

RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/14/2008 4:03:56 AM

angelslave77

Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

How you hanging in there, must be nearly time for your visitor to be coming to see you???

Good luck to you I hope it goes great for you

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 69

RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/14/2008 4:59:32 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline

I'm handling it pretty well (for me)
Keep telling myself if he doesn't show it's his loss.
What will be will be i guess

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to angelslave77)

Post #: 70

RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/17/2008 10:11:26 AM

Deliena

Posts: 623
Joined: 6/16/2007
From: Darlington, United Kingdom
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

I'm handling it pretty well (for me)
Keep telling myself if he doesn't show it's his loss.
What will be will be i guess

I've still got my fingers crossed for you hon. BTW - you're in Bradford? I used to live there! Mail me on the other side if you ever fancy meeting up for a coffee or I'll pop over to Yorkshire for a decent pint of Tetley's (you can't get one here in Darlington....dog knows what they do to it!)

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 71

RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/17/2008 10:38:30 AM

wandersalone

Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
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Misst..... can we have an update....please please please?

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Post #: 72

RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/17/2008 11:57:51 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
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quote:

ORIGINAL: wandersalone

Misst..... can we have an update....please please please?

Of course ya can
Ok beginning of the week i had a cmail saying he had left his phone in his mates car but didnt want me to think he was ignoring me so mailed me to let me know.
Wednesday i had another cmail to say he was in hospital with an ana something shock. A friend was letting me know and that he was definately interested in me and would be in touch when he came out of hospital.
Thursday i spoke to his friend in msn who said he was hoping to be out the next day.
Havent heard anything since.
No reply to texts, no answer on his phone, hasnt been in cm.
So who knows lol.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to wandersalone)

Post #: 73

RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/17/2008 12:04:55 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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Anapyhlactic shock? That's bad.

Keep us posted.

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Post #: 74

RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/17/2008 12:15:08 PM

chickpea

Posts: 446
Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Los Angeles Area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Those of you who know me know i am probably one of the worst on cm for getting myself into bad relationships. I lay no blame on anyone but myself and bad judgement calls.
For example there was the one with the wife who i didn't know about for a long time *cringes*.
There was the one where it was poly and his girl went all schizo and weird and it went pear shaped.
Then there was the one that kept bouncing in and out of my life til i could take no more.
The one who was supposably single and then i got 0ver 150 text messages in one night from three other girls he was involved with. Oh and yes stupid me still stayed with him for a while, right up until the point that he was supposed to be coming up for the weekend and then just didnt show. No call, no nothing. Then the texts started up again and i walked away. Must be a slow learner huh?
There was however the one that worked perfectly up until my needs changed and i decided i wanted a relationship. Yay i got one right.
Anyway i now find myself in a position where i have been speaking to a Dom for quite a while. I've known him for a good 12 months i reckon and we were going to hook up but something always got in the way. Finally though the time has become right and he was supposed to be coming up for the weekend (today). He lives four and a bit hours from me and so obviously was going to drive up. His car packed in about three days ago though and he has been attempting to fix, get it fixed since.
Over the last couple of days the contact we have had has been very minimal. He hasnt replied to some of my texts, not always answered the phone.
Today i recieved a text to say his car is still not fixed but he so needs to get up here with a sad face. That was about three - four hours ago and i have heard nothing since. Ive sent a couple of texts, tried phoning, asked him to let me know if he still plans on coming up or not.
Now my question is am i being paranoid or is history just about to repeat itself? After all there could be so many reasons for none answered texts, phone calls. No credit, head under the bonnet, somewhere too noisy to hear his phone, like a garage. Or it could just be that he isnt coming and has no intentions of letting me know.
Threads like submission which meantion sub frenzy have me thinking you see. Like i said in there i would like to think i have common sense, intelligence etc but know that at times i have certainly not used them. Is this a case of that?
Another thread making assumptions and laying blame. Am i making an assumption that because it has been done to me before this guy is just going to do it me again. Am i being judgemental of him without all the facts?
I thought, wondering now, that my time away from here and the lifestyle to a certain degree had given me new perspectives, new direction. Thought i had analysed my past mistakes and past repeated mistakes and id got myself back on my feet ready to move on.
Now im left wondering am i really ready to jump back in?
Is paranoia my friend this time?

I don't think if you feel like you aren't ready doesn't automatically mean you're paranoid. You either feel ready or you don't. Feeling ready or not doesn't have to do with analysis. We can take a breather or not before starting a new relationship to sort of think about what actions you could have done better next time in order to avoid repeating past behaviors that were less than admirable.

But whether we start to date in general, full swing, it's based on a gut feeling like "you got your ex out of your system"... and you're ready to start from scratch, be yourself, and go through the ups and downs of a new relationship....without feeling like you're jaded, worn out, or still recovering from the hidden unseen emotional wounds of a relationship gone sour.

Just human and just a feeling that you're ready to get back on the dance floor again after getting injured from a bad fall, and has nothing to do with over-analysis, hallucinations, and mental illness. Should be careful about linking healthy human behavior of taking time out from a bad experience with a mental illness. Just my opinion.

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 75

RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/17/2008 12:19:22 PM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Anapyhlactic shock? That's bad.

Keep us posted.

Thats the one.
I'm actually feeling really bad as part of me doesn't believe a word of it.
However benefit of the doubt and all that and runs of bad luck do happen.
I'll keep you posted as i hear anything.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 76

RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/17/2008 12:21:17 PM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Deliena

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

I'm handling it pretty well (for me)
Keep telling myself if he doesn't show it's his loss.
What will be will be i guess

I've still got my fingers crossed for you hon. BTW - you're in Bradford? I used to live there! Mail me on the other side if you ever fancy meeting up for a coffee or I'll pop over to Yorkshire for a decent pint of Tetley's (you can't get one here in Darlington....dog knows what they do to it!)

Thank you
I have to go be a bar wench now but when i finish tonight, god knows what time that will be. I have a thin lizzy tribute band on tonight, i will mail you on the other side.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to Deliena)

Post #: 77

RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/17/2008 3:05:38 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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If nothing else I'd say it's obvious he's not in any sort of place to start a new relationship and needs to get some serious stability and security going for awhile first.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 78

RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/19/2008 5:14:24 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline

I've given up to be honest LA. I have not heard a word since Thursday.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 79

RE: Is paranoia my friend? - 5/19/2008 5:56:38 AM

wandersalone

Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline

Oh that sucks big time Misst. It seems as if he really isn't in the right personal space to move ahead and this reflects much more on him than on you (given that he has so many crises happen).

I reckon you and NG should hook up....I can just imagine him writing in the positive experiences section "Misst had me when she shouted me a pint!" or something soppy like that.

_____________________________

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King
Godmother of the subbie mafia
My all time favourite threads
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=2002501
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=790885

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 80

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