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Maya2001 -> RE: Not into the local scene. (5/11/2008 8:46:35 PM)
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quote:
Faced with a choice between "person A" a memeber of the community known by some folks and "person B" private person with no references telling me they are in fact a decent person. Person A starts off with a significant head start because the information I need to be comfortable with them is easily and quickly available. This isn't to say that I would ignore person B at all but rather that because they chose to remain private it's going to take longer. Up to each of us how we want to restrict information about ourselves. But to do so without thought that the natural consequences may be that someone passes us by (cutting both ways)or that someone else reaches that level of intimacy first and thus we are left behind is short sighted.
I would prefer not to rely on references by someone who has met a person and seen how that person plays in a public venue and then makes a thumbs up judgement based on that solely as being safe and sane and to be given a nod of approval as someone safe to be in a relationship with. I learned long time ago that some people wear masks and unless you know all aspects of the persons life that sometimes they can have ugly skeletons hiding in their closet. eg the co worker in a large company who is thought of highly of by co workers and management worked together for 17 years, he was also well liked leader of cadets, most people that knew him would have given him nothing but praise, the big shock came when he was arrested and charged for a string of multiple sexual assaults of female minors...this is one person I personally knew... I sure as heck did not suspect, there was no clues. A lot of killers , rapists, spousal abusers , etc have been caught totally surprising family, neighbours, co-workers and friends that knew that very well, who sees the person almost daily and never suspected a thing. Yes the person you see maybe 2 or 4 hours out of every month may appear to be a decent person, so over a 6 month period you may spend 10 hours around him, inorder to remain social respectful your not going to be able to really ask him any personal questions about him, the only thing a reference may truly be able to provide is whether he may have some skill in using say a flogger if he happened to attend a play party but it may not tell you whether he is a safe person in a more private setting where there is no one else around to observe, you may not learn if he is married or not and hiding his bdsm interests from his wife, I personally do not feel that a reference unless they are involved for years is going to provide me with much of an advance lead that I can ask and determine thru discussion about, and in the course of a a week or two depending on the amount time in discussion I can learn far more about the person than you would seeing that person for 6 months to a year at a once a month munch, for one I have more freedom to ask very person questions that you are not able to, I can demand a real name, address and phone number if I am considering meeting which would allow me to do some background checking, something you can't demand. So unless the person has long time involvement and or possibly an organizer of events the reference does not offer much in the way of info
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