Same Old Problems for a Newbie!

Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (Full Version)

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jm29jm30 -> Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/12/2008 11:21:14 AM)
So basically, I guess have the same problem as most would when new to the D/s lifestyle and being the DOM, no experience! Reading about how is one thing, doing is another. So if not many Subs want to be with an inexperienced DOM, have no patience for it or worried about getting mentally or physically hurt, how does one learn how to truly be a DOM. Is it rather in ones nature to be that way, just need the right SUB to bring it out in you, let it flow? Do others look down upon newbies here, or does anyone lend a helping hand, so to speak. Just interested to know what others have done to break the ice I guess, first times, etc.... I more big obstacle is I'm married as well. How do other DOM's who are married juggle the lifestyle with being married. Do SUBs not want to be with a married man since it cannot be a 24/ 7 relationship or am I better served finding a married SUB, so we both know our limits and expectations. If anyone has some advice, feel free to chime in, I also wouldn't mind chatting with and experienced married DOM for some advice. Sure it would be a hell of a lot easier if I was single or got divorced, but that's not an option for me at the moment, so I'm just trying to make the best of my situation, while fulfilling by urges and tendencies.

SailingBum -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/12/2008 11:38:22 AM)
I've got some advice play with your wife or get divorced. BadOne

domahpet -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/12/2008 11:41:00 AM)
is there something wrong with her??? how do you know she wolnt enjoy it too? how come guys never figure this part out before they get married in the first place???

CalifChick -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/12/2008 11:42:43 AM)
What do you want a helping hand on? How to wield a flogger? Search out a hands-on class, go to a demo, find someone to show you. Cali

jm29jm30 -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/12/2008 11:53:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: domahpet is there something wrong with her??? how do you know she wolnt enjoy it too? how come guys never figure this part out before they get married in the first place??? Yes, she repressed, I'm way over her head when it comes to sexuality and experience, I've recently brought it up, looked at me like had two heads, way to controlling, if any one needs it, its her, but it will never happen for us. To answer the second part, because we're stupid! I really wish I had discovered this about myself before I got married, too late now.

jm29jm30 -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/12/2008 11:54:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SailingBum I've got some advice play with your wife or get divorced. BadOne Thanks, divorce is not an option, wish it was.

jm29jm30 -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/12/2008 11:56:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChick What do you want a helping hand on? How to wield a flogger? Search out a hands-on class, go to a demo, find someone to show you. Cali Anything that I can get, even sarcasm from a goddess!

CalifChick -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/12/2008 12:02:33 PM)
Actually, I was being serious. Hard to believe, I know. But dude, you're in Florida. You can hardly swing a cat without hitting some sort of munch/demo/class/gathering/party/whatever. Cali

jm29jm30 -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/12/2008 12:23:04 PM)
You're right, there's a club about 5 miles from my house, but remember, I'm married, have to be pretty discreet about it. I really wish my wife was into it, sucks to be me. I actually just ended a relationship with a 43 married woman who's a Sub for another guy, an experienced Dom, they were on a break. What pisses me off is she never told me about him or entered into our relationship with the intentions for being a Sub. Said she thought I wouldn't understand, she should've known better when she discovered how incredibly perverse I really am.

CalifChick -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/12/2008 12:32:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: jm29jm30 how incredibly perverse I really am. Hon, if you're trying to get a date with me, I prefer the direct approach. I'm just sayin'. Cali

jm29jm30 -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/12/2008 12:47:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChick quote: ORIGINAL: jm29jm30 how incredibly perverse I really am. Hon, if you're trying to get a date with me, I prefer the direct approach. I'm just sayin'. Cali i would love to if i was into cyber relationships, i've had enough of the vanilla ones already. I'm more of a hands on kinda guy.

akisha -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/12/2008 12:52:46 PM)
Why do people that are sexually incompatible marry? Ya Ya sure, sex is not the most important thing. But really, good relations in the bedroom enhance a relationship, bad sexual relations can destroy a relationship. This was told to me by my mom when I was a teen and I totally agree. Then again most of the ppl in my family are very sexually orientated. I can tell with in the first month of dating someone if we are going to be sexually compatible. Yes people change and you really have no control over that. Divorce is ALWAYS an option, it just might not be an option you are willing to consider at this time. But no one can forbid you from obtaining a divorce. IT just depends what you are willing to sacrifice to get one. How do you figure cheating is better then ending the current relationship to seek a more fulfilling one? She catches your ass cheating there is a good chance you'll be getting divorced anyway and by cheating you're screwed with it comes to a settlement. Now to answer your questions: There are lots of subs that are willing to be with an inexperienced Dominant. We all have to learn somewhere. There are some subs that are willing to be nothing but a side fling, your toy on the side. An option you might want to look at is attending play parties or munches in your area and meet someone that just wants a play partner. Guess that would depend if you want to just play or if you want a sexual relationship as well. Now wanting someone willing to be with a New Dom as well as help you cheat on your spouse may make it harder to find what you are looking for but I'm not going to say it's impossible because there is always someone out there willing to do pretty much anything. The human race never ceases to amaze me. .

jm29jm30 -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/12/2008 1:01:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: akisha Why do people that are sexually incompatible marry? Ya Ya sure, sex is not the most important thing. But really, good relations in the bedroom enhance a relationship, bad sexual relations can destroy a relationship. This was told to me by my mom when I was a teen and I totally agree. Then again most of the ppl in my family are very sexually orientated. I can tell with in the first month of dating someone if we are going to be sexually compatible. Yes people change and you really have no control over that. Divorce is ALWAYS an option, it just might not be an option you are willing to consider at this time. But no one can forbid you from obtaining a divorce. IT just depends what you are willing to sacrifice to get one. How do you figure cheating is better then ending the current relationship to seek a more fulfilling one? She catches your ass cheating there is a good chance you'll be getting divorced anyway and by cheating you're screwed with it comes to a settlement. Now to answer your questions: There are lots of subs that are willing to be with an inexperienced Dominant. We all have to learn somewhere. There are some subs that are willing to be nothing but a side fling, your toy on the side. An option you might want to look at is attending play parties or munches in your area and meet someone that just wants a play partner. Guess that would depend if you want to just play or if you want a sexual relationship as well. Now wanting someone willing to be with a New Dom as well as help you cheat on your spouse may make it harder to find what you are looking for but I'm not going to say it's impossible because there is always someone out there willing to do pretty much anything. The human race never ceases to amaze me. . Thanks for the advice and you're right about compatibility, it's something i should've taken very seriously when we first met, but then again, i thought i was running out of time, but then again, why the hell did i think i had to get married in the first place, my stupid mistake.

DupedDom -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/12/2008 1:02:10 PM)
Finding a sub is tough, finding one, when you are married, is very difficult and destined for disaster. One reason is that the dynamic gets so involved, that deep feelings are likely to develope, not good for an extra mariatal affair. Seconndly as one of the fine ladies on this thread mentioned, you should not have an affair, I did and it was disasterous, even if your wife doesn't kick you out, making a go of it is so tough. I never thought I could hurt someone as badly as I hurt her. Give her a choice at least. Hope I put it a bit more tenderly than some others but wiht the same bite!!

OmegaG -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/12/2008 1:04:41 PM)
FR How would your wife feel about it? I'd say that if she's as turned off by another woman serving you as she is doing it herself that you'd better think about living within the confines of the relationship you've got or get that divorce that you say isn't an option.

BrigandDoom -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/12/2008 1:17:28 PM)
When I started out 17 years ago things the lifestyle was afr more tight knit and as a result the newbies were looked after a lot more. I had three mentors who taught me the right techniques etc, and I would advise anyone starting out. Dom or sub /slave to get a mentor. Its an old system but it works still.

Renee7852 -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/12/2008 1:32:05 PM)
Perhaps you could attend a few munches/parties not so close to home to seek out a mentor. Talk to the Doms there, see who you seem to get along with and those who have similar ideas as yours, and especially those whose techniques you like. Ask them if they would consider mentoring you. It can't hurt. My previous Dom did that with 2 new Doms and it worked great...only difference was they both already had submissives to practice on. One benefit about the mentoring idea is that possibly when you develope your skills you will be so good you won't have to look far for demo dollys! And who knows, perhaps your new found confidence might inspire your wife to give it a try! Just my .02cents :) Renee'

antipode -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/12/2008 1:33:58 PM)
Wozzup, Amateur Monday? Ahhh, you think it is a game... Suggest to your wife she take a woman lawyer, you'll get plenty of first hand experience learning to dom women that way... Just a teensy little point, though, since I am a nice guy.. Doms don't "juggle". Only illusionists do.

FRSguy -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/12/2008 1:47:51 PM)
Your pretty much doomed to failure unless your wife agrees that you can see others outside of marriage.

BOUNTYHUNTER -> RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! (5/12/2008 1:57:37 PM)
To the op'....Its looks like a no win situation which ever way you go,hindsight has a way of preventing future mistakes..One Question ,were you active in the LS while you were dating or did you just happen to 'forget' to mention your LS before the ring slipped on her finger..with out placing blame on either of you I believe there is a lesson there for everyone new to the LS...Know your partner well before making any decision that will come back to bite your ass...

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