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RE: Petulant, spoiled, bratty - 10/19/2005 3:37:31 PM

Wolfie648

Posts: 600
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

Having lived with a depressed person at both their highs and lows, I can say that when they are low it is extremely trying to a person's patience.

Depressives do need help, depending on where you live, assistance may or not be available, especially if he is has very little money. I would suggest he see his doctor, if he hasn't already about getting onto medication. There may also be counselling available to him which I would highly recommend. I would also recommend you talk to a counseller to try to understand depression if you wind up in a long-term relationship.

It take a while for medication to kick in and the person to level out. To really get back on track will require a lot of stability and, from my singular experience of depressives (this may not be representative of all depressives), a year to two years to go from rock bottom to having a week with no bad days.

You talk of the patience of Job and if he is not on medication you will require more than that.

I would suggest you do some research on the subject.

If someone says something: "I'll give you a few months" and then changed it again in a few days that would be a huge red flag for me. Continuning on with them would be under my own understanding that I had better be ready at any moment for some wild changes from any direction.

Now if someone said to me, I'll do the groceries today and doesn't I wouldn't be so concerned as the situation above.

If I were involved in this situation, I wouldn't necessarily run, but I definitely would not move in any time soon. I think 2 months would be an aggresive timeline.

D (owner of j)

(in reply to Guildenstern)

Post #: 21

RE: Petulant, spoiled, bratty - 10/19/2005 3:51:27 PM

fyreredsub

Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline

if there is one thing i have learned this past few days is...........

a Dom needs to be in control of himself before he can be in control of another!

you'll hear it over and over again on these boards and its the honest to god's truth!!!

quote:

ORIGINAL: takenbyhim

quote:

It is easy to say "well things are just bad," but if we all have one guarantee in this life it is that things will be bad and getting a look at how one handles him- or herself at those times is valuable.

GOD! You sound like my mother....LOL (that was a compliment).

But what you say is good advice and I respect it. I know it sounds like I am making excuses for him.....and I guess I do want to give him every benefit of the doubt, but more importantly.........I don't want to abandon him. He needs our help.

_____________________________

"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

(in reply to takenbyhim)

Post #: 22

RE: Petulant, spoiled, bratty - 10/19/2005 3:56:46 PM

fyreredsub

Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline

in my profession, we know, one of the first ways an abuser controls another is by saying," if you leave me i'll kill myself"! i can't live w/out you!"

< Message edited by fyreredsub -- 10/19/2005 6:12:20 PM >

_____________________________

"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

(in reply to subversiveone)

Post #: 23

RE: Petulant, spoiled, bratty - 10/19/2005 4:06:30 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fyreredsub

if there is one thing i have learned this past few days is...........

a Dom needs to be in control of himself before he can be in control of another!

you'll hear it over and over again on these boards and its the honest to god's truth!!!

Well, like most cliches, it's usually taken out of context and used as another "sign that he's not a good dom" instead of just saying "Not for me"

Not being in control of one's life has a variety of levels and meanings. This situation is clearly one of not having it together. And yet it's not really the situation that's so bad- but how it's being handled.

So, don't make the mistake of taking a cliche and acting like it's dogma. I've seen it used in any circumstance from the dominant not paying for a vacation to a dominant not wanting sex every day- they find something the dom's "not in control of" in his life and suddenly it becomes the whole source of problems.

(in reply to fyreredsub)

Post #: 24

RE: Petulant, spoiled, bratty - 10/19/2005 4:11:21 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

LOL it sounds like some one i know in tampa. Except He's got 2 young kids. Your guy, his "unreasonable" behavoir also sounds manipulative. i also think it'll end up being abusive. He's got two sides of the coin. Calm, sweet, intelligent and then the other side.

Think about it this way. He is responsible and he knows excatly what he's doing. You know when a man hits a woman, he's losing control of his emotions, throws a temper tantrum and then lashes out. He "rages" Yet all the while, this losing control, he's in complete control. He's teaching you. Hypothetically, if you tell hiim the flowers are purple and he goes off loses control and throws a temper tantrum, you gonna tell him the flowers are purple again? You're going to steer clear of things that set him off. He's teaching you how he wants you to behave, through one of the worst ways.

God Almighty, who says you wont slip up and say something stupid while you're in bondage and it SETS him OFF? What on earth will either of you do? Completely helpless with a man RAGING? All cos you thought to mention the flowers are purple? Or will you keep your mouth shut in fear of setting him off? Did you notice the word fear? You'll learn it with him. Mark my words.

Another good teaching tool is when things go up and down. Sometimes he's just not going to be happy with you and you wont know why. Yet you're going to try and figure it out, work through it, because those times when he is happy with you is so daaaaaaarn good.

And physical abuse? Physical abuse isnt all that bad. Not really what they make it out to be. Systematically changing a person through fear is um alot worse. Really i think you'll end up being with him mute. Worried every minute if the next thing you do is going to set him off so you do nothing. Nothing. Because doing nothing is alot safer then setting him off.

But then again, you'll be able to learn to see through all this stuff and realise its all abunch of manipulation techniques and games.

As for his sob story. THEY all have one. Kinda gets into Your heart. Makes ya wish you can make it all better. Show them life isnt so bad. And you stick by them cos you dont want to be like the rest that failed him. Gee you KNOW there's just this good, loving person in there, a great person, but they've been hurt so much and life's treated them so bad, if you can just GET past it. What you dont know. Is you cant. This IS who they are. There's no changing them. They'll just suck your energy and life force out of you.

And um hey... imagine how he's gonna get when you try and leave (if thats what you decide) Bet he'll find away to keep you. Hey he might even let you go calmly just to show you its no big deal to get you back in the long run. but only the really smart ones know that. They play there cards right and have patience. i can see with him, you trying to leave and he's gonna go sobby, or emotional on you. Cos right now its how he;s got you. Feeling sorry for him. You talk about leaving and some major bad thing happens so you stay and help out. Just for now tho. And gee look its been a couple of months and your still there.

He's messing with your emotions and playing with your heart. He's got abusive tendencies and if you dont want to drown leave him to his own misery. Cos honestly, he isnt as miserable as you think he is. If he was, he'd do something about it. He;s right where he wants to be and he;s got you two right where he wants. Except you've got this clear head. Get out whil you still got it. Or has he sucked you back in with his "nice" mode already?

LOL i label this one as abusive.

(in reply to Wolfie648)

Post #: 25

RE: Petulant, spoiled, bratty - 10/19/2005 4:21:54 PM

FLButtSlut

Posts: 344
Joined: 3/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: takenbyhim

quote:

It is easy to say "well things are just bad," but if we all have one guarantee in this life it is that things will be bad and getting a look at how one handles him- or herself at those times is valuable.

GOD! You sound like my mother....LOL (that was a compliment).

But what you say is good advice and I respect it. I know it sounds like I am making excuses for him.....and I guess I do want to give him every benefit of the doubt, but more importantly.........I don't want to abandon him. He needs our help.

So help him, as a friend. From a safe distance that allows you to get YOUR life in order.

(in reply to takenbyhim)

Post #: 26

RE: Petulant, spoiled, bratty - 10/19/2005 4:57:05 PM

swtnsparkling

Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

He doesnt even have control over himself, how can he with one or two.
RUN for the HILLS ? take the car it's faster

as EM wrote: The problem isn't lack of control of emotions, it's allowing emotions to rule everything- and making excuses all along the way. He sounds like a very typical depressed passive-aggressive user who will suck the life out of everyone who tries to help him instead of taking responsibility.

DITTO

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

(in reply to takenbyhim)

Post #: 27

RE: Petulant, spoiled, bratty - 10/19/2005 4:58:04 PM

Mylee

Posts: 217
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

If a Master can not govern himself...how can you trust him to govern you when he is acting as Master?

I'm not sure i would trust this man with himself, let alone a small child and two subs...my Master had a dark side, one that called for a lot of patience, but he never wallowed in his missery and was never unfair or unjust to me, only to himself

i stayed with mine while he struggled through his dark, so i hate to say for you to "run for the hills" but what you described sounds more like a scarey situation one would try to be getting OUT of, not running INTO...

my'lee

(in reply to fyreredsub)

Post #: 28

RE: Petulant, spoiled, bratty - 10/19/2005 6:04:04 PM

KittenWithaTwist

Posts: 490
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetpettjenny

if i know who you are ...its hard to wait for someone to leave their marriage , i understand his grief.

One's grief does not give one the right to pester, torment, and guilt someone else. We're supposed to be adults, here.

(in reply to sweetpettjenny)

Post #: 29

RE: Petulant, spoiled, bratty - 10/19/2005 6:11:23 PM

fyreredsub

Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline

i know if it was me, i would maintain a frienshdip till he got his issues straightened out......
but i wouldn't move lock, stock n barrel while all this was going on for sure.

as to the other scenarios you described they are not falling into the catagory of the saying IMO.lol.

i'm saying the ole cliche based on red flag indicators.
i work w/ too much family violence to say otherwise

quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2

quote:

ORIGINAL: fyreredsub

if there is one thing i have learned this past few days is...........

a Dom needs to be in control of himself before he can be in control of another!

you'll hear it over and over again on these boards and its the honest to god's truth!!!

Well, like most cliches, it's usually taken out of context and used as another "sign that he's not a good dom" instead of just saying "Not for me"

Not being in control of one's life has a variety of levels and meanings. This situation is clearly one of not having it together. And yet it's not really the situation that's so bad- but how it's being handled.

So, don't make the mistake of taking a cliche and acting like it's dogma. I've seen it used in any circumstance from the dominant not paying for a vacation to a dominant not wanting sex every day- they find something the dom's "not in control of" in his life and suddenly it becomes the whole source of problems.

_____________________________

"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 30

RE: Petulant, spoiled, bratty - 10/19/2005 6:34:32 PM

sweetpettjenny

Posts: 674
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline

well you don't know the other side of the coin ...he is a friend and has been lied to. There are three sides of a story. his , hers and the truth. lets not blast him unless you know the wholeeee truth.

(in reply to KittenWithaTwist)

Post #: 31

RE: Petulant, spoiled, bratty - 10/19/2005 7:33:26 PM

takenbyhim

Posts: 8
Joined: 10/19/2005
Status: offline

deleted for purposes of self preservation.

< Message edited by takenbyhim -- 10/19/2005 8:13:17 PM >

(in reply to sweetpettjenny)

Post #: 32

RE: Petulant, spoiled, bratty - 10/19/2005 8:07:55 PM

FLButtSlut

Posts: 344
Joined: 3/17/2005
Status: offline

What could possibly be gained through pursuing a relationship that has already had so many problems between marriages, self destruction, "seeking sympathy" (which intentionally got YOU maligned, in case you didn't figure it out) and all the other messes.

Is it the silly idealistic notion that IF by some miracle, you both become mentally healthy adults with a successful relationship with each other, you can think of all you overcame to get that way?

By the way...if you take him to a psychiatrist who is only going to treat him "medically" (properly read, prescription anti-depressants) without the appropriate therapy that goes along with it, NOTHING will be resolved, the drugs will just mask things.

You openly admit that he has LIED about you on the boards and to others, yet YOU want to be with him? Perhaps YOU also need a new therapist, because the one you are seeing now is certainly not giving you any good advice.

(in reply to takenbyhim)

Post #: 33

RE: Petulant, spoiled, bratty - 10/19/2005 10:10:48 PM

TexasMaam

Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

OscarHargraves,

I sure like to read your posts.

TexasMaam

(in reply to OscarHargraves)

Post #: 34

RE: Petulant, spoiled, bratty - 10/20/2005 5:45:16 AM

FTopinMichigan

Posts: 571
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetpettjenny

well you don't know the other side of the coin ...he is a friend and has been lied to. There are three sides of a story. his , hers and the truth. lets not blast him unless you know the wholeeee truth.

Good point, Jenny!

I was watching these posts, and didn't want to comment on the thread specifically.

Am I the only one that thinks bringing this situation to a Message Board, under the guise of anonymity, is tantamount to breaking a trust (even though "names" weren't posted)?

I guess I'm seeing the whole point of this thread to humiliate the man, or shame him, regarding his behaviors and the situation specifically. Is that really the best way to handle the situation? Will that solve or change the situation, or anything for that matter? (An educated guess would be that it'll surely break their relationship to pieces though, as the OP admitted he's an avid reader here.)

I have no problem with general statements, and sincere requests for advice, but I'm seeing the intent of the original post very negatively. I may be wrong....wouldn't be the first time.

K

(in reply to sweetpettjenny)

Post #: 35

RE: Petulant, spoiled, bratty - 10/20/2005 11:17:04 AM

Kinkypupper

Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline

IF he understands and accepts the concerns you have and addresses them then I say move but keep a lifeline out there.
If he objects in a abusive mannor then time to end this

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to takenbyhim)

Post #: 36

RE: Petulant, spoiled, bratty - 10/20/2005 10:50:30 PM

Wolfie648

Posts: 600
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

He is responsible and he knows excatly what he's doing.

I would suggest spending 2 weeks with a clinically depressed person and say the same thing without modification.

I'm not saying this guy sounds 'allright by me'. I'm suggesting that if he is really depressed (noone has said 100% that he is or isn't) from a chemical imbalance that the person involved decide if they are willing to make the commitment required as outlined in my previous post. Certainly not a path I would recommend for many.

D (owner of j)

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 37

RE: Petulant, spoiled, bratty - 10/20/2005 11:04:44 PM

FLButtSlut

Posts: 344
Joined: 3/17/2005
Status: offline

The fact that the original post is now deleted speaks volumes about all the parties involved in this ridiculous and childish game.

Like sweetpettjenny, I'm sure that many of us are very aware of who the "anonymous" parties involved in this game are, except for the ever silent "third" who apparently ran for the hills (the most reasonable thing to have done in this situation).

I have sat quietly watching this "story" unfold via the posts AND personal emails. On one hand we have a self proclaimed "dom" who is typically good with words but who (based on personal emails) is quite unbalanced and very much the "wannabe" he rages against. On the other hand, we have a "sub" who is going through some very stressful personal times of her own who, for whatever reason, has somehow become involved with this guy before ending a prior relationship or getting her own life straightened out.

Relationships are never perfect, and while sometimes it is understandable to seek the advice of others (such as those on the message board), this situation seems to be nothing more than a couple of immature adults who are going to try to drag the rest of us into their little drama. Sadly, since most so many here truly want to help and offer good advice, the main point gets missed.

These two are either better off without each other or richly deserve each other and the lies and physchological issues they offer. I, for one am rather happy they found each other. It saves the rest of us the misery of trying to deal with them individually and makes the rest of us realize that we are much more psychologically healthy than we might have though before reading their posts.

(in reply to Wolfie648)

Post #: 38

RE: Petulant, spoiled, bratty - 10/21/2005 2:45:39 AM

takenbyhim

Posts: 8
Joined: 10/19/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Relationships are never perfect, and while sometimes it is understandable to seek the advice of others (such as those on the message board), this situation seems to be nothing more than a couple of immature adults who are going to try to drag the rest of us into their little drama

When I first read the above post, I was a little pissed. But ya know.......absolutely everything you say is truth. We are immature adults, but ain't nobody dragging you or sweetpettjenny into this story. It's time both of you climb down from your high horses and reveal YOURSELVES for the very active and completely engaged participants in this "immature saga" that you are. Both of you have been involved in this drama even before I came along. I'm sorry that sweetpettjenny feels rejected by the man in question. I had nothing to do with THAT. That is between the two of them and I could care less if he refused her advances toward him or not.

I am washing my hands of this whole mess. Perhaps I shouldn't have come here seeking advice. But there is no use crying over spilt milk now (thanks mom for that one too). I will say, however, that there were several people here who gave some information that I have been able to use to get help for this man. To those individuals, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. To those of you that gave harsh, but sincere critique, I bow to you for your wisdom and your backbone to say what needed to be said. And to the rest of you that are bitter and resentful because you feel you have been made a fool of............well.....hey, what can I say...........welcome to the club.

Adios

(in reply to FLButtSlut)

Post #: 39

RE: Petulant, spoiled, bratty - 10/21/2005 3:09:43 AM

sweetpettjenny

Posts: 674
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline

Actually quite the opposite, i was never rejected lol. He knew i wasn't interested at the time. Funny thing is i chatted with him last night on yahoo. Don't worry he won't be back, and im still not interested. This board is a great place for advice, but to hurt others in asking for your advice , when they aren't around to defend themselves is not sound and reasonable. Best of luck to you , and your Husband in resolving your issues.

quote:

ORIGINAL: takenbyhim

quote:

Relationships are never perfect, and while sometimes it is understandable to seek the advice of others (such as those on the message board), this situation seems to be nothing more than a couple of immature adults who are going to try to drag the rest of us into their little drama

When I first read the above post, I was a little pissed. But ya know.......absolutely everything you say is truth. We are immature adults, but ain't nobody dragging you or sweetpettjenny into this story. It's time both of you climb down from your high horses and reveal YOURSELVES for the very active and completely engaged participants in this "immature saga" that you are. Both of you have been involved in this drama even before I came along. I'm sorry that sweetpettjenny feels rejected by the man in question. I had nothing to do with THAT. That is between the two of them and I could care less if he refused her advances toward him or not.

I am washing my hands of this whole mess. Perhaps I shouldn't have come here seeking advice. But there is no use crying over spilt milk now (thanks mom for that one too). I will say, however, that there were several people here who gave some information that I have been able to use to get help for this man. To those individuals, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. To those of you that gave harsh, but sincere critique, I bow to you for your wisdom and your backbone to say what needed to be said. And to the rest of you that are bitter and resentful because you feel you have been made a fool of............well.....hey, what can I say...........welcome to the club.

Adios

(in reply to takenbyhim)

Post #: 40

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