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stella41b -> Handling the social stigma of being a Dominant Female (5/13/2008 9:16:56 AM)
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I spent much of yesterday afternoon in the City of London attending a meeting together of the homeless charity with whom my theatre and charity is now working in partnership, the outreach organization formed from members of staff running hostels for the homeless and people who were formerly homeless themselves, and a representative of an organization which helps homeless people become self-employed and through this tackles welfare dependency and so on. The meeting was about changing the way people perceive homeless people, and what we should all be doing together to change public perception.
I stood up and took the floor explaining what my theatre and charity does to eliminate social stigma through creativity and positive self-expression, I spoke a short while about the proposal I had put together and how it was going to work in practice. I brought up briefly the other projects we were developing, one to tackle anti-social behaviour and promote racial harmony in society and to raise public awareness for those people who are perceived to be part of a sexual minority or part of "the alternative lifestyle". I mentioned in this that I had rejected funding from a local authority in London for a project because they wanted us to work with children, and I didn't feel that we had the resources to cope with stigmatized children and it was a low priority. When I was fielding questions one woman at the meeting challenged me on this, and asked me if I felt that stigmatization of children wasn't a serious enough issue. I replied that it was, but suggested that stigmatization of women in society was a greater issue which needed to be addressed first.
She raised an important issue at the meeting. As a resident herself of a women only hostel for the homeless in Central London she felt that not enough was being done for the women living in her hostel, that various organizations didn't reach out to these women, and that many of the women weren't made aware of what options were available to them, they felt isolated, left out, and in many respects neglected. Someone pointed out that it was often very difficult for outside organizations to reach these women due to the tighter restrictions imposed in these hostels with regard to visitors and access to others. This was down to the fact that many women were made homeless for different reasons to men, they were escaping domestic violence, suffered abuse, and so on.
After the meeting this woman who I will give the name of Jane here spent time with me talking about the stigmatization of women in society and how it filters through to people's perceptions and thinking. Jane 'knows life', as it were, abuse in childhood, two abusive marriages, two daughters, one prison sentence, a couple of years prostitution, many years as a single mother and a period of being street homeless and more recently a granddaughter. She lives in a women only hostel in Central London near King's Cross, a notorious red light district, she's just spent six months in training to be a gardener and herself wants to become a self-employed gardener, to get her own flat and get her life back together. She spoke of the comments, the unfriendly way she is treated in shops, the social stigma attached to being a homeless woman living in a hostel, and so on.
This got me thinking... It would appear from a certain perspective that our society is based on notions arising from malicious gossip spread from rumours about what happened in the Garden of Eden. I mean what lies behind the rumours here? And how much do we really believe the rumours that men are superior because Eve was a naughty girl and nicked an apple out of a tree after talking to a snake? Or are we part of a majority who are happy to leave these men who really believe all this safe in their illusions, or do these illusions really affect us? To what degree, and more to the point, how does this affect those women who have rejected the notion that 'girls are nice and made of sugar and spice'?
I'm not trying to spark a men vs. women gender debate, because that in itself seems to be nothing more than trying to put out a fire by striking matches, and will only lead to more generalizations and stigmatization.. From a certain perspective, which I feel isn't all that uncommon, especially when you read some of the postings and some of the profiles, it would appear that being both female and dominant to some represents a sort of direct flight into the face of "society", and it isn't that uncommon because it isn't that uncommon to find such attitudes existing in wider society anyway.
This is evidenced not only by the plethora of glossy women's magazines and an entire mass media industry which appears to feel that women just don't have a clue, and need suggestions over how to look after themselves, how to dress, how to live and even how to have sex. It's also those times when dealing with men, for example when you go to get your car fixed, to arrange something at the bank, arrange payments and subconsciously - and often without him even realizing it - the man feels obliged to put the woman in her place.
It would appear indeed that in identifying oneself as both female and dominant (or submissive) women seem to have to put their whole womanhood open to question and also to sexualization, fetishization, objectification and cheapening of their own image and intrinsic value as a person in their own right.
Here I'm not so much talking about commonly held assumptions relating to gender roles and perception in society, although this in itself does have a certain influence. Very rare I would assume would you ever hear from a male submissive when arranging to meet the question 'What do you want me to wear?' (unless of course crossdressing is an important element of the meeting) but it's the other commonly held assumptions. Assumptions like a professional Dominatrix is really only a prostitute wearing a corset, boots and wielding a whip. Also the very popular notion that a relationship with a dominant woman somehow obliges the said woman to be assertive and dominant all the time and to live her life 'in role'.
How often do you as a Domme get the feeling when you are talking to a potential male submissive that you face a challenge in not just developing the relationship but in also challenging his own preconceived notions and assumptions as to who is serving who, why and for what purpose? Do you ever reach the point where you feel that both you and the relationship is being cheapened to the point where much of it becomes meaningless and is merely designed to bring reality to his fantasies and to have two people working towards the real goal which is his own gratification and satisfaction at the expense of your's?
And for those Dommes in stable, successful relationships, do you remember what it was like before? How was it back in the early days? What situations did you find yourself in, and what did you do to change certain perceptions?
And what about everyone else? How does this affect you? How has it affected you in the past? I am posting this OP here as I wish to address this primarily to Dommes, but I also don't want it to be seen to be a thread primarily for Dommes, but for everyone, as I feel that to varying degrees it affects us all, irrespective of who we are in terms of gender and what role we play or what interests we have in BDSM or D/s. How has this issue affected you? Has it changed your attitudes and perceptions? How?
What I am trying to avoid here is negative criticism, blaming, generalizations, and reinforcement of stereotypes, which I feel will only serve to perpetuate myths and not lead to anything constructive. This is what social stigma is about, is it not - the labels, stereotypes, the commonly held illusions and misconceptions that lead to the social stigma.
What I am hoping for is that this thread will bring people together, primarily Dommes but not exclusively, who feel that they have something they wish to say on this topic, something they wish to share, whether it be experiences, notions, ideas, thoughts, opinions or feelings. I'm hoping through this OP to create a thread which can be used as a point of reference for everyone, a thread which examines and explores both the myths, the commonly held assumptions, and reveals things which have been realized, learned, discovered, tried, so that other people also feel encouraged to share their experiences, thoughts, and feelings, to ask questions, and ultimately to try (ambitious I know) to remove the illusions and assumptions which cause such stigma.
Therefore in conclusion .. thank you for wading through all this.. Do you feel that you are stigmatized, or have you ever felt stigmatized as a Domme? Has this ever led you to stigmatize yourself? Have you overcome the stigma imposed by others? How? These are just rhetorical questions to stimulate thoughts, feeling, memories, opinions, etc.
Please feel free to share freely all what you have to say..
I've tried to remove typos but the text is too small and apologies for those which still remain.
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