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Finding a 24/7 lifestyle Domme - 5/15/2008 2:52:38 AM

pvcbecky

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Joined: 11/27/2006
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Has anybody any advice for finding a Mistress who i can begin a relationship with - i'm not talking about a session to a proDomme but a Domme who will control me 24/7.

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RE: Finding a 24/7 lifestyle Domme - 5/15/2008 2:58:37 AM

LadyPact

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My standard answer. Try getting out to your local BDSM community.

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RE: Finding a 24/7 lifestyle Domme - 5/15/2008 3:28:59 AM

Madame4a

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what LadyPact said ... and... also

there are a dozen, at least, threads on this so do a search, there's lots of wisdom there
stop looking... get out locally and just meet some friends...

think about how you would find any kind of partner

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RE: Finding a 24/7 lifestyle Domme - 5/15/2008 3:47:06 AM

RumpusParable

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Ditto what they said. In short: use all mediums to just meet people. Eventually you'll meet someone for you.

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RE: Finding a 24/7 lifestyle Domme - 5/15/2008 4:22:44 AM

VelvetMaam

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I think you need to be very clear with what you mean by controlling you 24/7.

For myself, I have a busy life and a busy career, and I'm not interested in adding "micromanager of boy who does not want to make responsible thoughtful decisions for himself" to that list. I'm not a trailer-park-domme who has nothing better to do than build an avid fantasy world where they finally have a little bit of control. I AM in total control of my life and would have it no other way. But that level of responsibility for my own life does in fact mean that I work hard, and don't spend every day prancing around playing kinky games.

I expect any sub who serves me to have a brain and know how to use it (shocker, I know), AND have his own career and outside interests.

Certainly all of this can be balanced with an M/s relationship - if both individuals have realistic expectations.

< Message edited by VelvetMaam -- 5/15/2008 4:26:19 AM >

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RE: Finding a 24/7 lifestyle Domme - 5/15/2008 4:25:27 AM

MladyHathor

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Domme Depot?

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RE: Finding a 24/7 lifestyle Domme - 5/15/2008 4:28:29 AM

pvcbecky

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VelvetMaam, i understand the point You are making. Certianly, i would not want to be controlled 24/7. i would want a long term relationship rather than a casual thing - i think that what i was trying to get at.

As for meeting people in the local BDSM comminuty - unfortunately most, if not all, the Dommes are taken. i am getting more and more frustrated.

becky x

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RE: Finding a 24/7 lifestyle Domme - 5/15/2008 4:55:55 AM

Madame4a

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quote:

ORIGINAL: pvcbecky

VelvetMaam, i understand the point You are making. Certianly, i would not want to be controlled 24/7. i would want a long term relationship rather than a casual thing - i think that what i was trying to get at.

As for meeting people in the local BDSM comminuty - unfortunately most, if not all, the Dommes are taken. i am getting more and more frustrated.

becky x

well, you're done for then, guess you had better give up....

you're not going to find any magic here...

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But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

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RE: Finding a 24/7 lifestyle Domme - 5/15/2008 4:55:56 AM

Dnomyar

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Whineing doese'nt help. Keep reading this forum and see what the Dommes are looking for. Adjust accordinly.

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RE: Finding a 24/7 lifestyle Domme - 5/15/2008 5:09:10 AM

thetammyjo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: pvcbecky

VelvetMaam, i understand the point You are making. Certianly, i would not want to be controlled 24/7. i would want a long term relationship rather than a casual thing - i think that what i was trying to get at.

As for meeting people in the local BDSM comminuty - unfortunately most, if not all, the Dommes are taken. i am getting more and more frustrated.

becky x

You may have to expand your search then to nearby communities.

Also take a good look at yourself. Try to be objective. Do you do the same things over and over when approaching potential doms? If so, why? Try something new, try to improve on you in a variety of ways, it can't hurt and it might help.

Also take a look at your expectations. Is a long term relationship really a realistic goal to have immediately?

How much experience do you have? If you have little or no experience, why would someone commit to you long-term?

Furthermore, would you marry the first woman you went on a first date with that night? If not, why would someone expect something long-term in Ds? If yes, I think, to be blunt, you may not have the healthiest expectations for relationships period.

I've been doing this all for almost 18 years now. My longest Ds dynamic is with my current slave and it will mark year 9 come October. Before then I had many trial scenes, months of training, play buddies, and shorter ownership contracts. All of those experiences helped me be able and ready to own someone longtime and full-time. Now we didn't start with an eye to be this way. We frankly were just looking for a few months of training, a way for him to get some more experience and for me to encourage what I believed would be a strong person in the local and regional communities. We did training for 8 months and then decided together we wanted to try ownership for a year, then two years, then three, and then a lifetime commitment.

But see how that works? You get experience, you get to know yourself, you get to know others, you stay grounded in reality, and after years you may find someone willing to put as work as you into 24/7.

Yes, you will hear from the folks who met and knew, who collared on the first date, blah blah blah. They are very rare and you are very unlikely to be one of the rare ones.

Think I'm being a bitch here, folks? Duh! But I'm trying also to be honest and realistic. I think so much of our unwanted emotional pain comes from unrealistic assessments and expectations. If I can help one person avoid much of that pain, then I'll be a bitch.

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RE: Finding a 24/7 lifestyle Domme - 5/15/2008 6:21:42 AM

stella41b

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My standard answer. Look for a woman you can get on with who identifies as a Domme. Get to know her as yourself. Once you know each other as people, then start thinking about BDSM.

That is, unless, you're good at solving problems, can handle rejection, or have the patience of a saint.

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RE: Finding a 24/7 lifestyle Domme - 5/15/2008 6:31:20 AM

hsspode

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Domme Depot...Isn't that right next to Spatula City?

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RE: Finding a 24/7 lifestyle Domme - 5/15/2008 6:31:49 AM

pvcbecky

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Thank you all for your useful advice.

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RE: Finding a 24/7 lifestyle Domme - 5/15/2008 9:39:16 AM

AAkasha

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Work on making yourself more desirable.

Akasha

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RE: Finding a 24/7 lifestyle Domme - 5/15/2008 10:14:28 AM

DemonessShadow

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Yes, I agree with alot of the comments here. Look around here get to know people. Also trust your gut. I am alittle new here but I have had experiances myself.

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RE: Finding a 24/7 lifestyle Domme - 5/15/2008 12:48:00 PM

faerytattoodgirl

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it takes many years...i for one have been actively looking for 10 yrs...so when you have looked that long then you can start whining...

damn im too hot looking for a lifestyle Mistress....that has to be what my issue is!

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RE: Finding a 24/7 lifestyle Domme - 5/15/2008 4:41:24 PM

Politesub53

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MladyHathor

Domme Depot?

i`m waiting until the Pound strengthens against the Dollar.
< Smirks a tad >

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RE: Finding a 24/7 lifestyle Domme - 5/15/2008 5:05:47 PM

azropedntied

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Attention Collar me ; please fix the search feature it seems to be broken . thank you .

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RE: Finding a 24/7 lifestyle Domme - 5/15/2008 6:16:33 PM

HieroV

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quote:

ORIGINAL: pvcbecky

VelvetMaam, i understand the point You are making. Certianly, i would not want to be controlled 24/7. i would want a long term relationship rather than a casual thing - i think that what i was trying to get at.

As for meeting people in the local BDSM comminuty - unfortunately most, if not all, the Dommes are taken. i am getting more and more frustrated.

becky x

You’ve actually gotten some good advice here – especially from Tammy Jo who I feel was not being a bitch at all – and some who enjoyed pissing on your head.

Look, this is where I suspect you’re coming from and I apologize if I am wrong. But I feel I’ve been where you are now. You’re new, inexperienced, eager to try things out but clueless from lack of experience. And perhaps confused because you’re getting information from some well meaning experts who feel they know the “true” way of doing things and that you’re “fake’ somehow if you don’t agree with them.

And it’s not fun when you ask a question and someone implies you’re stupid or a whiner or perhaps not desirable, is it? Made me feel like I was back in high school I recall.

Take baby steps – don’t be afraid to go to a D/S meeting and admit that you are inexperienced and just stepping into these waters for the first time. Sincerely just go to these meetings and meet people to enjoy the pleasure of their company (with no hidden agenda) learn some things and perhaps make some friends. Everything good starts with friendship anyway…

Don’t just focus on dominant women, talk to fellow submissives and see how they feel about this and their experiences. One of the best things I ever did early on was regularly join a female submissive online group that meet once a week online and discussed a topic every week. (They were called SUCK – Submissive United in Consensual Kink - they’re no longer around I’m afraid.) I became sort of the token submissive male and it was nice to be able to talk and listen to others and discuss all this conflicting emotions and feelings I had. (Dominant women tended to be rude to me online – half of that was me being clueless, the other half…well women can be jerks too. Submissive men – with a few rare exceptions felt uncomfortable taking about it.)

It was a helpful year for me interacting with those ladies and I will always be grateful to them. It made me feel more at ease with things and I started attending munches, etc. (I had fun at the recent Dark Odyssey where I talked to a female submissive. We joked about wanting slightly different things but enjoying the conversation because we were from the same “tribe.”)

Also talk to male dominants and couples. Ask what they enjoy in this, how they deal with problems, what is fun for them? Couples who had lasting loving relationships were always wonderful to talk to. It made me feel that it was not impossible to have a lasting and loving relationship in this.

Also go slow for the safety of your body, mind and wallet. Some out there have confused narcissism with domination and can really do a number on you. Really hurt you body and soul. My personal opinion? If anyone says it has nothing to do with what you want – run. If you agree to be someone submissive the dominant person’s wants and desires come first but what you wish also matters. That doesn’t mean you get everything you want - expecting that is just rude. But if your desires are treated with contempt – well buddy you’re just a disposable replaceable widget to her – you deserve better then that.

Go slow – if you are fortunate to have a relationship – please realize that your first time a door will be opened for you and it will be hard not to fall in love with someone - and perhaps more for what they helped you experience for the first time than for the actual person. My first relationship was with a wonderful woman 16 years or so my senior that I meet in my twenties. I was silly and wanted a 24/7 and forever – blah, blah, I had no idea what I was talking about. But she knew I was a “puppy” which was part of the attraction I held for her so she was okay with it. We enjoyed ourselves for a time. I learned a lot about reality and fantasy – and rapture. And yes, it was a lot of fun.

Read some of the better books out there.

If you’re not having fun or made to feel bad about your desires – then something’s not right.

Also remember that while some foolish women might act like they are bulletproof – they’re women first, dominant women second. Be respectful and a gentleman if they “fall” somehow. (And being human - we all stumble and fall at times. Anyone who doesn’t admit mistakes – well, it might not be a good idea to let them tie you up no matter how hot they look.) Trust me – you’ll stand out to the good ones and help them realize not all submissive men are jerks.

Go slow, baby steps. Find out what it that you want. (I don’t think you really want a 24/7. I suspect you haven’t had enough experiences to even have an idea of what that means. And I so not mean that as an insult.)

And don’t worry if you turn out to be a “bedroom submissive” which some also seem to have contempt for. You’re still “real.” Just be honest about it.

Baby steps.

I suspect you won’t listen to my advice and smash your head and heart against the wall a few times before you start to learn that. Hell - that’s what I did for a while.

Good luck to you.

HieroV

< Message edited by HieroV -- 5/15/2008 6:17:46 PM >

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RE: Finding a 24/7 lifestyle Domme - 5/16/2008 12:45:28 PM

pvcbecky

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HieroV

Thank you very much for your reply. It makes much sense and is perhaps one of the best bits of advice i have has as i start on this journey. i will take what you said to heart and use your advice well.

becky x

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