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Scarey experience. - 5/17/2008 5:06:36 AM

kittenpuss

Posts: 22
Joined: 5/7/2008
Status: offline

I met a potential dom in a hotel bar this morning. All the way along I requested a picture after having sent mine but he refused. I warned him that I would not be bullied and that if I did not feel there was chemistry then I would not take it any further and there wasn't. I told him politely and he started to shout at me in the bar stating I was vain and rude...Surely it's better to be honest. I am not quite sure what he thought he could achieve by speaking to me in that manner and I actually thought at one stage he was going to hit me. Was I just being stupid to have agreed to meet him? I had emailed him about 20 times and he seemed sane. Is there another way?

Post #: 1

RE: Scarey experience. - 5/17/2008 5:09:23 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

Don't meet if he doesn't send a picture.. its a simple request.. for more its way me than just seeing a picture of someone... it means much more...

it would be a red flag for me and I wouldn't likely go much further...

< Message edited by Madame4a -- 5/17/2008 5:13:03 AM >

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Post #: 2

RE: Scarey experience. - 5/17/2008 5:10:11 AM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

Yes. Be suspicious of those who refuse even a simple photo request after talking for a while. It sounds to me like he wanted to see if you were attractive before you could make a judement on him. He was the one who made a dick of himself, so don't worry about that. Thank your lucky stars you were smart enough to meet him in a public place and nothing more than shouting occured.

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Post #: 3

RE: Scarey experience. - 5/17/2008 6:08:48 AM

jeffman1234

Posts: 61
Joined: 6/11/2004
Status: offline

You can email, send pictures all you want it is still a crap shoot.

(in reply to MissMagnolia)

Post #: 4

RE: Scarey experience. - 5/17/2008 6:32:43 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

I'm happy for you that you were smart enough to meet in a public place. Imagine how much more scary it would have been if you would have invited him directly to your home.

Even if he would have sent a photo he could have acted the same way. Some people confuse being a true Dominant with simply being domineering. I'm glad you saw through him before you could get hurt.

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Post #: 5

RE: Scarey experience. - 5/17/2008 6:35:51 AM

Degradethehog

Posts: 9
Joined: 5/9/2008
Status: offline

Although I am another submissive, I will answer this, I also tend to be picky in whom I meet being I've had many bad experiences in the past. I believe if something is telling you in your instinct that something is off with the person your meeting it usually is. I am not normally a vain person, but as said before the picture gives you confirmation if you should be worried about anything, sometimes you can tell things about pictures or on a webcam. For example how they appear. Good luck in the future

(in reply to jeffman1234)

Post #: 6

RE: Scarey experience. - 5/17/2008 6:57:32 AM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

I would never meet with someone who would not send me a picture - actually usually "disconnect" more or less automatically if a potential R/T doesn't automatically send a picture within the first few emails. I think you put yourself at significant risk by even meeting with this person - if they know what you look like they could never turn up in the bar, and just be outside waiting for you to return home, and follow you, you'd never know. Practice safe computing, lass.

(in reply to kittenpuss)

Post #: 7

RE: Scarey experience. - 5/17/2008 6:58:56 AM

Evility

Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kittenpuss
Was I just being stupid to have agreed to meet him?

His refusal to send you a photo should have been a red flag since that is a reasonable request. Even if he had sent you dozens of photos he still seemed sane in email, right? You never really know who you are talking to until you meet them face to face. You met him in a public place - that was a good.

(in reply to kittenpuss)

Post #: 8

RE: Scarey experience. - 5/17/2008 7:49:36 AM

tuff2break

Posts: 13
Joined: 2/17/2007
Status: offline

Just because you are a submissive type person does not mean that you don't have standards, that you can't ask for things before committing to meet someone and if you get that "weird" feeling inside, well, heed it. You asked for a pic, he should have sent you one (tho a pic doesn't guarantee anything, it meant he was at least willing to make you feel safe/comfortable). Meeting in a public place is ...duh..the safest bet and I'm glad to see you did that. Letting him yell at you or raise his voice in anyway is a big big no-no. Walk away and walk away quickly. Get someone to escort you to your car if need be and NEVER entertain the idea of speaking with him again.

As far as the whole "how to tell" thing? Well, you did everything you could but insist on not meeting him without the photo thing. Next time, insist on the photo, not for the photo itself, but to see if the person is willing to consider your feelings of safety and comfort. Unfortunately, no amount of emailing or photos will weed out the wackjobs. Tune in and trust your feelings. Email, exchange photos, talk on the phone, meet in public, that's the only way to know, that and the feeling in your belly. Butterflies are good, feeling like you want to run down the street screaming...not so good. lol

(in reply to Evility)

Post #: 9

RE: Scarey experience. - 5/17/2008 7:56:46 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

What do you mean, you "warned him that you would not be bullied"?

The fact that you thought it was necessary to do that, the fact that he refused to send you a picture, and the fact that you were the one who set up the rules of meeting instead of him, all showed that he was not a Dom.

The fact that he refused to abide by your reasonable rules, let alone did not make them himself, is not good.

Next time someone yells at you in public place, yelling that you are rude, record it on a cam and post on YouTube. That's the ultimate in clueless childishness.

Seriously, this guy is out of control and there were indications along the way. Why did you ignore them?

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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Post #: 10

RE: Scarey experience. - 5/17/2008 8:05:29 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I'm not sure why it was so scary. You met in a public place. You said thanks but no thanks. He was obnoxious and you left safely. Haven't you ever met an ass before?

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Post #: 11

RE: Scarey experience. - 5/17/2008 8:22:27 AM

BrigandDoom

Posts: 155
Joined: 12/29/2007
From: Nottingham
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kittenpuss

I met a potential dom in a hotel bar this morning. All the way along I requested a picture after having sent mine but he refused.

Requesting a photo is an obvious must and personally I wouldn't have met without one, however, there is no gurantee that you would've received a genuine picture unfortunately.

I warned him that I would not be bullied and that if I did not feel there was chemistry then I would not take it any further and there wasn't. I told him politely and he started to shout at me in the bar stating I was vain and rude...

Sounds like you had an unfortunate met, still you did the right thing by meeting in a bar, but did you have a safe call arranged incase he turned worse than he was?

Surely it's better to be honest. I am not quite sure what he thought he could achieve by speaking to me in that manner and I actually thought at one stage he was going to hit me. Was I just being stupid to have agreed to meet him? I had emailed him about 20 times and he seemed sane. Is there another way?

Unfortunately there is no other way of meeting potential Dom/mes or subs/slaves in real life, it is unfortunately a lottery for us all and I know of many genuine bad meets. These also unfortunately include members of the news media pretending to be lifestylers after lurid stories.

_____________________________

Brigand Doom

There is only one, accept no alternatives!

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Post #: 12

RE: Scarey experience. - 5/17/2008 8:26:41 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

If you have doubts, why take the chance?

Thast being said, he just firmly confirmed your suspicions and now you can move on, knowing better for next time.

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(in reply to BrigandDoom)

Post #: 13

RE: Scarey experience. - 5/17/2008 8:36:04 AM

PornStarOwner

Posts: 14
Joined: 5/9/2008
Status: offline

While I am one for meeting as soon as possible, why on earth would you meet someone who wouldn't even give you a picture

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 14

RE: Scarey experience. - 5/17/2008 8:39:34 AM

SweetNika

Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kittenpuss

I met a potential dom in a hotel bar this morning. All the way along I requested a picture after having sent mine but he refused. I warned him that I would not be bullied and that if I did not feel there was chemistry then I would not take it any further and there wasn't. I told him politely and he started to shout at me in the bar stating I was vain and rude...Surely it's better to be honest. I am not quite sure what he thought he could achieve by speaking to me in that manner and I actually thought at one stage he was going to hit me. Was I just being stupid to have agreed to meet him? I had emailed him about 20 times and he seemed sane. Is there another way?

I don't even continue contact with someone if they can't send me a picture, so I definately would not meet them in real life without one. It is a simple and basic request in this day and age and one that should not be all that suprising on sites such as CM. I always laugh when "doms" demand picutres but don't have them themselves.

The next red flag for me would have been meeting in a bar in the morning. Although I have been known to meet at the local pub/restraunt I don't see it as the same thing. I also would NEVER drink alcohol on a first meeting regardless of the time of day because it impairs your judgement and reflexes.

Even if I did get a photo and we meet if he was rude or disrpectful to me I would simply walk away and do so quickly. Once home I would block him on CM as well as on IM (if he had it). I do not have time for people who can not control themselves, after all if he couldn't do that much how in the name of all that is unholy would he expect to control me? -laughs-

When meeting it can turn ugly for anyone regarldess of your label, the world today is dangerous plan and simple but all we can do is take precautions to keep ourselves safe. Meeting in a faimliar public place, letting people know who your meeting and were are simple steps but that is all they are. This virtual world allows creeps and bleeps to hide so easily and allows people to pretend to be anything they wish in the end it is almost a game of russian rullet in my opinion. However, stop beating yourself up and learn to listen to your instincts.

Blessed be,
Nika

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Blessed be,
Nika

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Post #: 15

RE: Scarey experience. - 5/17/2008 9:55:00 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

No one here can know if you were "stupid" or not. Prior to meeting my Master in person, we shared photos, had phone conversations, and he smiled on cam for me to say hello. I knew his home and work address and numbers, and, since he is registered with the county due to his career, I looked over his county documents, too (then again it was getting serious between us by that point).

Only you can determine where your boundaries are. Only you can determine if something feels right to you or has you feeling uneasy. Perhaps you can decide on certain things you need to know about a person before meeting, and until then, you just don't feel comfortable meeting, and therefore won't. And if you ever feel someone is about to hit you, remove yourself from the situation immediately, without another word. He is, by all means, a stranger to you, and you owe him nothing.

Learn from this, but don't let it scare you into basing all future meetings on this. There are assholes in life. But there are a lot of good people, too.

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Good is the enemy of great.

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Post #: 16

RE: Scarey experience. - 5/17/2008 10:12:34 AM

MtGames

Posts: 37
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: Missoula, MT
Status: offline

Sounds like you did ok actually, you came away from it intact and with the important information that this guy isn't someone that you want anything to do with. If you want an extra level of security for a first meeting, find a local kink group that has munches, and ask him to meet you there. Lacking that, find some local kinky friends(not playmates, just friends) and ask to meet somewhere public with them present... then ask their impressions of the guy afterwards. They have the advantage of not being in lust with the guy, and sometimes friends will spot great big red flags that you'll miss if you are feeling desperate. This applies to Doms meeting a new sub also, lust makes us blind, so get a second opinion. Having a friend along who can point out that odd untanned band around the ring finger afterwards can be so useful.
The biggest safety gain of this method actually is that most dangerous doms will totally freak at the idea of meeting you in a group setting :)
There's too much risk that someone who they played with before will be there and be able to warn you, and also that if something goes wrong they know there are a bunch of people who can connect the two of you.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 17

RE: Scarey experience. - 5/17/2008 11:00:43 AM

faerytattoodgirl

Posts: 5824
Status: offline

being sent a pic means nothing...if they refuse and then send you a pic later chances are its not his picture anyway...

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Post #: 18

RE: Scarey experience. - 5/17/2008 11:36:57 AM

kinkypuppy2

Posts: 345
Joined: 11/4/2007
Status: offline

You asked a reasonable request.
A bit risky yes..
Ask them if they have been to a local bdsm munch and you will meet them THERE.

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Post #: 19

RE: Scarey experience. - 5/17/2008 1:01:02 PM

Roselaure

Posts: 672
Joined: 4/12/2008
Status: offline

Wile it's true that being sent a picture means nothing, it could be someone else, the refusal to send a picture would be a major red flag for me. If you are willing to meet, you should be willing to share a G-rated picture.

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 20

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