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RE: Scarey experience. - 1/22/2009 3:26:55 PM

ODschainedangel

Posts: 69
Joined: 10/4/2004
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Hi, I am glad you are safe. This is a Paper I wrote up in a class I was helping teach in. It is a second part the first was on trust and getting to know the person before getting to this part.

I have made some scarey mistakes in the past myself. Many of us do. I am just glad as others said you were wise and met in a public place.
Good luck in your continuing search.

Angel

So now you have took some time to talk and build trust. now you want to meet this person. Now is time to realize you have only built some trust not the whole ball of wax.

- - S A F E T Y * is a few very important things to do now.

A. Make sure you have his name. not just online name but full real name.

o Many Doms have privacy issues the same as subs. But, try to get pic of D.L. and plate# and description of car.

B. set up meeting for a very public place.

o Research the area and help decide - is it really public?

C. now find a friend you do know and trust.

Two is even better. They can help decide if anything ununsual ocurrs.

D. tell your friend about this person and where and when you plan to meet. Give then all the information to hold "sealed in an envelope: in case of problems".
E. set up a time you will be calling them. Don't say, "oh i will call when i get home." You set up a time like 1/2 hr into meeting, then hour, and each hour through the time you plan to spend with the Dom that you will be calling them.
F. set up signal (code) words for safe call friend

o make a Duress signal (code word) you will use if you need help. o one for we changed locations - then if still are safe but just want them to know of the move . try to slide it into the talk. Like "yes Mom we are fine but the resterurant seemed crowded so we went over to (John Mall)" and if you don't feel good about this. then add your duress word or phrase.

some DONTs about meeting.

Do not do physical playing. this is a meeting to get to know each other better.
Don't sleep at his house.

Even in non d/s we all know that old song "you can sleep here. promise no sex." well heat and passion take over our brains sometimes.

Do NOT get so involved in having fun you forget to make your safe calls. not only could this bring the police because your friend is in fear for you. but it makes them worry and have to be torn in ok is she ok, should i call.

Some DOs about meeting.

Keep things public. or semi-public
be sure to take emergency cash. put somewhere beside with any other you may have. in case you need to get home.
If you drive. then leave an enevolpe with the name of who you are meeting and what personal info you have on them and the date and time in your glove box.
if you fly or take a bus and have planned to be there x number of days be sure you have the money to change leave date to earlier if need to.
If your visit is to be more than a few hours set up many safe calls. Hourly?
hide exta keys and if can a cell phone. (if possible) Beforehand: some research on the area, police substations nearby, talk to waitress about you anxiety/uncertainty about the person coming.
make a test cafecall when arriving at the place, if they don't answer: problem! Hope you had two. ^ ^

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Post #: 41

RE: Scarey experience. - 1/22/2009 6:51:14 PM

Morniel

Posts: 60
Joined: 11/9/2007
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Hmm, thanks, no, I'm NOT giving anyone my automobile license plate or registration numbers, since looking those up will give my home address -- and as yet, I don't know you, so why would I lead you to my children?

Hmm, thanks, no, I'm NOT purchasing a camera or a webcam. I have a Nikon and a scanner.

Regardless of how long you email or message with someone, you still have only the online portrayal, which may or may not be close to the person's actual manner and personality.

So instead of all the silly stuff, try some COMMON SENSE.

Arrange a meeting in a public place, during the day. And take a friend with you. If the meeting spot is more than an hour's drive for either of you? Take a friend. Arrive a little early and tell the wait person that you're meeting someone; explain that the person you brought with you, would like to sit nearby.

Keep the conversation light. Just because you've been "online" or "on phone" with someone for a year, that's no excuse to jump right into the nuances and aspects and expectations of a relationship or permanent relationship. Try talking about children, films you like, music, art, politics... oh, my god!!!!!! Try acting like a normal person meeting a normal person.

By the time coffee or soft drinks have been ordered and brought to table, you should both be over some of the first-date nervousness. If you are, and things seem to be going well, then go ahead and order up.

If things aren't going too well, you can thank the person for meeting you, and if you like, you can say that you don't think there's chemistry, and then politely take your leave. Your friend that you brought with you can wait a few moments before following you out to the car.

If things did go well, thank the person for meeting you, thank him for the lunch or whatever if he paid for it, and arrange to meet again someday soon. Then excuse yourself and leave, and again, your buddy can wait a few moments before following you to the car.

Common sense. Seriously. How much brain does it take?

And if all else fails, remember something else.... "Would I (aside from BDSM considerations) introduce this person to my parents/children/siblings?"

If the answer is "HECK NO"... then why would you go meet him in the first place?

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Post #: 42

RE: Scarey experience. - 1/22/2009 7:05:19 PM

devotedinSD

Posts: 91
Joined: 11/30/2008
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I wouldn't say you were stupid since you did meet in a public space. I'm sorry this happened, what a frightening incident!

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Post #: 43

RE: Scarey experience. - 1/22/2009 9:16:18 PM

MarcEsadrian

Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Madame4a

Don't meet if he doesn't send a picture.. its a simple request.. for more its way me than just seeing a picture of someone... it means much more...

it would be a red flag for me and I wouldn't likely go much further...

I really second the above statement. No photo should be no deal, by default. Taking the time to speak in-depth on the phone wouldn't be a bad idea either prior to meeting in the flesh.

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Post #: 44

RE: Scarey experience. - 1/22/2009 9:45:08 PM

ALAstella

Posts: 253
Joined: 12/3/2008
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I would usually require a photo, if not a telephone call and detailed description. The latter if they admit to being the burglar's dog.

First meetings are a crap shoot anyway, but still, I don't want to be tanding round like a prize lemon.

stella

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Post #: 45

RE: Scarey experience. - 1/23/2009 10:45:25 AM

akisha

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Joined: 6/25/2005
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People! The thread is a year old. I doubt she's still looking for advice on this situation

hehehe

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Post #: 46

RE: Scarey experience. - 1/23/2009 7:24:34 PM

BondageBarbieX

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I would not have met him at all with out seeing him on cam and multiple photos sent.I usually ask for at least ten even before I give out my messenger.

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Post #: 47

RE: Scarey experience. - 1/24/2009 8:44:13 AM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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I met without exchanging pictures. No safe call, no drivers license or license plate. Yes we exchanged names and addresses and talked on our cell phones.

But we talked for a month prior to the meet. And I don't know anyone who can keep up hour long conversations multiple times daily without letting their hidden creepiness out if they have that side to them.

I didn't go by rules, but by my gut feeling. Which includes doing things at a pace that feels safe to me.

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RE: Scarey experience. - 1/24/2009 12:54:09 PM

Gage46Bstn

Posts: 34
Joined: 11/8/2008
From: Master Greg
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Very smart of you to insist on meeting in a public place. It sounds like this guy is really disturbed. I don't have an answer. I have settled for "I don't have a photo on this computer" stuff from guys who I don't really know. After a short while insisting on a photo is very normal. I am up front with recent photos and expect the same if the converstion starts going anywhere.
I don't know aht you can do to avoid scary crazy people. We all need to be very careful and not let strong desires get in the way of good sense. That said- when I have talked for a while on line with someone and then on the phone and feel good about it, I will meet them at my place.

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Post #: 49

RE: Scarey experience. - 1/26/2009 4:24:50 PM

SensibleSam

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Joined: 11/17/2007
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If you were in a public place there probably wasn't much real danger. BDSM dating is in fact pretty safe. I don't know of any real news stories about women losing their lives on a date with a Dom. The main reason is undoubtedly because women have millions of years of evolutionally honed instincts. Women have been smaller and weaker than men since we separted from the apes about 3.5 million years ago. They have learned to carefully observe those big nasty males.

You made a little mistake. I too have made mistakes even with women for whom I had received a picture. Of course women don't get dangerous but they do go whacko and make a public scene. There is a nice Irish bar nearby where twice I've met women who suddenly went postal on me. For a while there the proprietor looked at me funny when I dropped in.

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RE: Scarey experience. - 1/26/2009 6:15:33 PM

came4U

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From: London, Ontario
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I don't think you were stupid for meeting this guy, pic or no pic. Just a bad decision.

Next time, to avoid embarassment meet at a public place that you know you will NEVER go to ever again lol. I would only laugh at a man having such a idiotic fit anywhere but not if I had to go back to that same restraunt. uhhg. Being with an embarassing man in public is BIG pet peeve/hard limit. (known a guy who farted and burped in public and I have to say I would take a yeller over that anyday).

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RE: Scarey experience. - 1/26/2009 7:18:50 PM

MidnightKat5000

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Joined: 1/10/2009
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I agree. Asking for a picture I feel is very fair, reasonable, shows common sense and more importantly shows that you are being careful and sane. If a dominant is not OK with that, then look elsewhere. After hearing what he did, he doesn't sound too sane to me.

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