CreativeDominant
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Joined: 3/11/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CalifChick
A friend and I were discussing this last night, and what I find interesting is that we were discussing the same process, but using different terms for it. I prefer guiding/encouraging/supporting; my friend leans towards molding/shaping/training. In what WE were discussing as it applies to me, the end result is the same, we were just using different words to describe the same process. So it occurred to me later... if someone that I was involved with knows certain words have negative connotations to me, even though I know they view those words differently, then if they choose to use them, they do so knowing that deep down inside it makes me feel that I am not good enough for them. And that is their choice.
Kind of like saying "you're a slutty bitch" or "you're MY slutty bitch." Use the first phrase if you like, but know that it makes me feel cold and distant and will yank me out of good headspace in a nanosecond.
Oh yeah... and I'm with mist on the bewbage thing.
Cali
But in referring to the section above that I have made bold, couldn't the argument be made that at that point...where the dominant defers to the submissive in his choice of words, even though you KNOW---through communication--- what he means by them when he says them is NOT what you perceive when you hear them...that a portion of the D/s dynamic is being dictated and controlled by the submissive? Should the dominant insist that his feelings be taken into consideration and that when you speak to him/her about their guidance/nurturance/support of you that you now use the words training/shaping/molding because---like you--- hearing the words he prefers builds up his feelings of self-worth? Or would it just be better for communication to occur and, if it is not an issue of self-esteem or destruction of the inner psyche but rather a matter of personal irritation and grating, to compromise? Perhaps, on his part, to understand what it does to his submissive and bear those feelings in mind while still retaining the agreed-to right to listen and still do as he sees fit. Perhaps, on her part, to understand that not everything submitted to is going to go her way, including the use of certain terminology and to remember that she agreed to submit to a dominant that takes her feelings into account and sometimes acts according to what she wants and sometimes, does not.
In any D/s dynamic, unless it has been negotiated and agreed to that the dominant will have complete control over every aspect of the submissive's life, there are those areas in which the submissive chooses to retain control...be it her ums, her finances, her career, what-have-you. And I can see where a submissive can feel that one word...the word "my" in the example italicized above...can change a statement from something degrading and indicative of the dominant's assessment of your worth to something that works as an example of endearment or, to those who go further, endearing and sexually erotic humilation. But let's be honest: that phrase touches on more than a specific term and on more than irritation. It touches on self-esteem and, for some, their own moral code and the need for the dominant to be careful in his speech in an area such as this makes sense. I am not saying that the idea of shaping and molding cannot do the same thing...witness some submissive's responses herein that makes it quite clear that it touches on an area of their psyche that, despite what is explained to them as the meaning of the words, makes them feel as if they are not worthy. But some have also noted that their initial reaction is akin to something along the lines of "I am not a dog who needs to be trained"; it is more of an irritant than anything else. But to take it to the point where "correct speech", as defined by the submissive, must be brought into the dominant's consideration each time the dominant chooses to say something?
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RE: Shaping and Molding - 
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