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RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/20/2008 9:49:03 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
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It is in looking at her and seeing that hunger, that want of ME that I need and crave. It isn't the look of someone seeing me as a life preserver. Only when someone I love and cherish looks at me that way, do I see in their face a mirror in which to see myself as they see me.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 21

RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/20/2008 9:51:08 PM

slavegirljoy

Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline

i think it's nice to feel wanted. It's certainly better than feeling unwanted. But, i also think that, rather than wanting to feel needed, i like to feel that i'm useful. i like knowing that i am fulfilling a purpose. i don't want to feel like someone is dependent on me but, just to know that i am providing a worthwhile and valuable service. Also, i know that my Master doesn't want me to be dependent on Him.

In fact, every Dominant i have ever been intimately involved with, always did a lot to help me to be more independent and more self-sufficient. They helped me to continue my education. They mentored me in my career. They pushed me to pursue hobbies and interests. And, they encouraged me to rebuild and maintain relationships with family members and friends. They wouldn't let me beat-up on myself, too much, or feel sorry for myself, ever. And, my Master has had me get a driver's license and life insurance for my offspring's security. None of them ever tried to make me dependent on them.

Sometimes, that made me feel like they were trying to prepare me for the day when they would get rid of me but, really they were just wanting me to be more capable of dealing with life, on my own, just because it makes it a lot easier to get through life that way, whether alone or with someone else.

joy
Owned servant of Master David

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 22

RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/20/2008 10:02:07 PM

HCWT1

Posts: 161
Joined: 7/7/2005
Status: offline

As a servent i feel no need or want,it's just my place in the greater picture,both in that we do,but allso in the vanilla world to.Doms are seen as the boss.I don't require thir love,just thir respect.

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 23

RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/21/2008 12:04:29 AM

paynestar

Posts: 30
Joined: 7/21/2006
Status: offline

I have a burning desire to be wanted, but I have been unable to attain that. I have chronically attempted but repeatedly failed. I am....clueless.

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 24

RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/21/2008 12:39:39 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Why is need a bad word?

In my opinion, some needs are bad, some needs are not. If one has an unhealthy mindset, need can be bad. If one has a healthy mindset, need is what? Unhealthy? Wrong? Bad?

Take an infant, if they are not loved, they fail to thrive... they need love. Take an older person with their spouse for fifty years... one dies... the other... will sometimes die within six months of a broken heart according to some studies. They need love from their spouse and die for lack of it. Were they unhealthy? Were studies slanted?

Could you live without love? Many do... but if you talk to them, most are not happy with the state they are in. Would that signify need? They survive without it, but does that mean they are healthy emotionally and sound of mind or anything else?

When we stop needing one another... well... I see that as a very sad thing and I don't feel that it is wrong to need other human beings or love. I see it as very wrong to claim not to need love and would like to see those that claim not to need love, to sit on an island alone or sit in their room alone for six years. Then tell me what your needs are.

Maybe you don't need one specific person, but we all need some person. Ask someone who is older or ill and isolated... they know that needing another person is important and is a need and not simply a choice or a want. Until you have been that alone... you might be able to say you don't need anyone and are fine without them... but do the time... I guarantee you will see things differently. lol

I feel there is nothing wrong in needing someone, one specific person... now if that need goes into 'if I can't have you, no one will or I will kill myself if I can't be with you', that is unhealthy minded. But to need someone isn't a bad thing. It means to me, someone touches your life, enhances your life to a degree that they are an amazing addition to it and you wouldn't ever wish to lose it. But if you did... wouldn't you at least for a time need what you lost? Need is a big word and has many meanings and to narrow it to only a couple things, might be a mistake.

(in reply to paynestar)

Post #: 25

RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/21/2008 1:53:56 AM

Owner4SexSlave

Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I'm pretty sure I'm co dependent- I want him to want me, I want him to at least need me for his sense of fulfillment in the relationship, and I certainly know that I need him for mine. It has often scared me with the idea of that ending. I supposed I'd survive, but it's really a darkness I take no pleasure contemplating so I really just don't.

And I'm ok with knowing that I may be that co-dependent.

You just blew my mind, but in a good way. Not too many can admit to themselves, let others that they might be co-dependent, let alone be comfortable enough to say, I'm ok with knowing that I may be co-dependent.

I actually have two sub-categories for co-dependecy in my book.   Creepy Co-dependent bad, and Loyal Co-Dependent good.   It's more less based on how somebody handles or deals with their co-dependent nature.

In many ways, we all become co-dependent with those we are in a relationship with.

In all honestly, you are the first person I've ever encountered to say what you said.   :-)

< Message edited by Owner4SexSlave -- 5/21/2008 1:58:48 AM >

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 26

RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/21/2008 1:57:54 AM

StormsSlave

Posts: 629
Joined: 2/6/2008
Status: offline

Need? Want? I admit there is a need for My Lord within me, one that was born when I met him. As for it being a life-sustaining need, no, it's not, but I needed cigarettes when I smoked, at least until I decided to live without them.

Would I die without him? Probably not physically, but a huge hole will be left in my life without him. Does he need me? I hope so, in the same way. We are better together than either of us could be apart. That is all I know.

_____________________________

Congratulate me...I'm a missus!!

--nobody's resident anything.

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 27

RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/21/2008 2:42:36 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

ok.. how's this:

There are times I want so much it feels like need.

And if I subscribe to Maslow (and I do), then whether I call it want or need, that sense of belonging - well, it's just one more rung on my own personal pyramid toward self-actualization. The nice part about all this is that it's my pyramid, and no one else has to agree with me as to how it's structured.

juliet

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 28

RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/21/2008 2:55:29 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

For me, i don't see being needed as a negative thing or implies that my Master is needy. i need to know i have purpose in His life. i need to feel necessary. Which may be a combination of wanted and needed?

If i am an interchangable part, a thing that provides little more than what any other thing could provide, then i'd rather not bother. i need to know that i provide something unique and that i am an enhancement to His life. Does He need me? Well, He got along fine without me but i do enhance His life and therefore provide something He did not have before.

i feel blessed to know that i have become necessary that i have purpose and meaning in His life. This inspires me to be a better version of myself, inspires me to serve with gusto and with joy.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 29

RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/21/2008 3:17:04 AM

TysGalilah

Posts: 589
Joined: 11/21/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened

For me, i don't see being needed as a negative thing or implies that my Master is needy. i need to know i have purpose in His life. i need to feel necessary. Which may be a combination of wanted and needed?

If i am an interchangable part, a thing that provides little more than what any other thing could provide, then i'd rather not bother. i need to know that i provide something unique and that i am an enhancement to His life. Does He need me? Well, He got along fine without me but i do enhance His life and therefore provide something He did not have before.

i feel blessed to know that i have become necessary that i have purpose and meaning in His life. This inspires me to be a better version of myself, inspires me to serve with gusto and with joy.

yes : )
like crossing that line from being in control to being controlling
to need but not being/becoming needy.

_____________________________

galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to eyesopened)

Post #: 30

RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/21/2008 3:33:19 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

How about I do it just because I can. I don't have an obsession (need) about it. I don't grab(want) it.

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 31

RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/21/2008 5:16:37 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I don't need to be dominated. I do need to be dominated by him. I don't need a strong man in general. I need him.

For me it comes down to the match between the people. I don't view myself as incapable unless I am actively submitting. I've gone many years without it, and still wouldn't be in a d/s relationship except for him. For me it's all about the right relationship, the individual fit.

I would have found it offputting had he been desperately in need of a sub, any sub, to submit to him. It's important to me that he was willing to go without until he found the right one.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 32

RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/21/2008 6:05:36 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

"I don't need you"... said in the right tone can be the most hurtful of phrases. Then again, I've heard some say, in the most complimentary of ways, that "you aren't needed... you are wanted."

Recent threads have got me to thinking about how we view the concept be being needed and wanted. It almost seems to be a given that submissives are expected to need someone to be submissive to... someone to serve. Yet I've not seen many discussions on the inherent need of dominants for someone to dominate. In a way, it appears that dominants are expected to be self-sustaining and needing no one.

Do you feel this is true? Do you need to be wanted or needed, or is it something you merely want? Do you prefer to be wanted or needed? Do you feel that it is affected by your orientation (i.e. dominant, switch or submissive)?

It's very conformist these days isn't it to say oh I want but do not need....as if need has suddenly become unmentionable. A result of 'park bench' therapy?......
Anyway I understand need to be along the lines of Maslow and his hierarchy....need as a necessity for life itself, as basic a drive as hunger or thirst, the need to belong, the need for love, the need for intellectual stimulation/learning and the need for spiritual wholeness and thus actulisation....
SO I would have to admit to NEEDING a bdsm relationship and actually don't much care if that gets the typical: you are fucked up, you are an addict to relationship responses that so typifies this kind of passe atitude towards needs. And ys as well as needing that I want, meaning I would like the person to be like this/that and the other please.
I am a submissive in nature, from birth and yes, I need to serve:
don't much know what I should be doing if I am not serving in some way.
Simple and no guilt about it either. And thus, to him that wants what I need: it's perfect.

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 5/21/2008 6:06:46 AM >

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 33

RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/21/2008 6:08:53 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra

ok.. how's this:

There are times I want so much it feels like need.

And if I subscribe to Maslow (and I do), then whether I call it want or need, that sense of belonging - well, it's just one more rung on my own personal pyramid toward self-actualization. The nice part about all this is that it's my pyramid, and no one else has to agree with me as to how it's structured.

juliet

Hi juliet; nice to see you again it seems like ages. Cheers, here's to your pyramid.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to julietsierra)

Post #: 34

RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/21/2008 6:17:06 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I'm pretty sure I'm co dependent- I want him to want me, I want him to at least need me for his sense of fulfillment in the relationship, and I certainly know that I need him for mine. It has often scared me with the idea of that ending. I supposed I'd survive, but it's really a darkness I take no pleasure contemplating so I really just don't.

And I'm ok with knowing that I may be that co-dependent.

I don't think that is "co-dependent" as the term is commonly used. Co-dependent means that you depend on the other's dysfunction to mask your own dysfunction. In short, it means that two people come together and are LESS than their sum total of potential should amount to are are in a mutually parasitic relationship.

What you mean is that your "co-dependence" is "symbiotic" and that you depend on each other in a way that makes your relationship greater than the sum potential of each individual.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 35

RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/21/2008 6:21:48 AM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

In a way, it appears that dominants are expected to be self-sustaining and needing no one.

Do you feel this is true? Do you need to be wanted or needed, or is it something you merely want? Do you prefer to be wanted or needed? Do you feel that it is affected by your orientation (i.e. dominant, switch or submissive)?

Just a few quick thoughts before I dash out the door this morning.

Things like Emerson's essay "Self-Reliance" always deeply resonated with me. Maybe that's because its part of my dominant nature, or rather part of that dominant nature. Put another way, perhaps a strong sense of self-reliance, self-mastery, self-discipline, etc. are expressions of a dominant nature directed inwardly. Just a point to ponder, I'm off to a meeting... later folks.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 36

RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/21/2008 7:50:39 AM

DominantJenny

Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

"I don't need you"... said in the right tone can be the most hurtful of phrases. Then again, I've heard some say, in the most complimentary of ways, that "you aren't needed... you are wanted."

Recent threads have got me to thinking about how we view the concept be being needed and wanted. It almost seems to be a given that submissives are expected to need someone to be submissive to... someone to serve. Yet I've not seen many discussions on the inherent need of dominants for someone to dominate. In a way, it appears that dominants are expected to be self-sustaining and needing no one.

Do you feel this is true? Do you need to be wanted or needed, or is it something you merely want? Do you prefer to be wanted or needed? Do you feel that it is affected by your orientation (i.e. dominant, switch or submissive)?

I think that appearance with dominants has to do with the stereotypes...the "macho man" dom and the "cold bitch" domme. For the most part, if they're looking or already in one, they want a relationship, inherently. Same is true of submissives and switches.

In our culture, the idea of needing someone is generally frowned upon, as it's been tied so heavily with unhealthy dependency. I think this is a bad thing...you can depend on someone else in an entirely healthy way...that's where good long-term relationships generally end up, in my experience. So I would say I both need and am needed by my spouse...we've been together for 13 years, married for 12, and, at this point, my world would pretty much fall apart if I lost him, and vice versa. We'd both survive ultimately, but that doesn't mean we don't need each other to be truly happy/successful/etc. at this point in our lives and relationship.
That said, going INTO a relationship in a "needy" state is a problem. There are things you have to have in place, really, before you can have a truly healthy, successful, long-term relationship (always, always there are exceptions to rules, but they are still rules); people vary on precisely what these things are, but, ultimately, if you NEED someone going in...there's probably going to be a problem. It's best to want someone initially...whether you one day end up needing each other or not.
But I speak very generally and you asked specifically. In my case, I need to be wanted. If someone appears to not give a fig, I'm not going to pursue a relationship with that person. If they want me, and I want them, then it's all to the good. I would not want to get involved with someone who needed me in an unhealthy way, and I'm pretty capable of assessing when that's the case. Over time, I do encourage a healthy dependency and ultimately hope to be not just wanted, but needed as well, in the way I've talked about.

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 37

RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/21/2008 10:12:03 AM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

My children need me, and I want them to need me. Outside that, being needed makes me feel smothered and imprisoned. Being wanted is always nice though.

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 38

RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/21/2008 11:14:54 AM

snapdragon9

Posts: 24
Joined: 12/16/2007
Status: offline

I don't need to be a dominant. I can interact with people with no desire to control them or anything of that sort. I don't need to have control over a situation, but I like to have control over my relationships.

There is very little I need, I don't need food, I like to fast, and if I wanted to die I would stop fulfilling that desire to eat. Yes, I need food to live, but living in this mode is not the be all end all to me. I don't need shelter, its just nice. I need things like imagination, thought, and my ability to choose. Things like food and water are my strong wants, so strong that they effect, or affect, me physically (some more than others), and being a dominant falls in there somewhere.

< Message edited by snapdragon9 -- 5/21/2008 11:18:54 AM >

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 39

RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/21/2008 11:24:54 AM

Skyeful

Posts: 13
Joined: 2/14/2008
Status: offline

I think everyone needs someone in the end. I agree with a lot of voices floating around this thread. The whole 'needing' someone isn't always a bad thing. The image that flows into my head when thinking about someone wanting me...is not a happy one. Wanting, to me seems like, when the want runs out it's done. When I am no longer useful or do not fill a certain want of theirs then I am history. Being needed seems deeper some how. When I start a relationship, I want to be around that person(s). I like their company and I know that could form (in the future) to a need. Not a "I will die with out you' type deal, but rather something more simple. One of my greatest fears is being discarded as if I am worthless.

I like the idea that I am needed and that someone would be incredibly sad with out me. I think the very base of this is a very human feeling. I don't ever want someone depending on me so much that they lose their ability to remember who they are without me. However, I want to be a part of the reason that someone(s) is happy. I want to be 100% a part of their life. I hope this all makes sense.

I don't think this is affected by my orientation at all, really. It doesn't stem from the sub or dom side of the coin for me. Even in a more vanilla relationship I think this is how it would be.

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 40

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