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RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/21/2008 1:37:01 PM   
lizcgirl


Posts: 287
Joined: 4/13/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I'm pretty sure I'm co dependent- I want him to want me, I want him to at least need me for his sense of fulfillment in the relationship, and I certainly know that I need him for mine.  It has often scared me with the idea of that ending.  I supposed I'd survive, but it's really a darkness I take no pleasure contemplating so I really just don't.

And I'm ok with knowing that I may be that co-dependent.


I agree totally with what this says. I don't NEED Daddy to survive, I have managed fine on my own for years. But I do need Him to feel fulfilled and completely happy. Being that dependent on some one, I want the same in return to keep the balance equal in the relationship. It may not be very PC, but I don't really care, that's just how I am. I want and need to be wanted and needed. lol (say that 3 times fast)

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Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/21/2008 1:52:30 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I am all for the loyal codependency.  I've been alone for years, and keep trying to resign myself to being alone for the rest of my life, but I know what I am looking for, in spite of that.

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RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/21/2008 2:45:19 PM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I'm pretty sure I'm co dependent- I want him to want me, I want him to at least need me for his sense of fulfillment in the relationship, and I certainly know that I need him for mine.  It has often scared me with the idea of that ending.  I supposed I'd survive, but it's really a darkness I take no pleasure contemplating so I really just don't.

And I'm ok with knowing that I may be that co-dependent.


I don't think that is "co-dependent" as the term is commonly used.  Co-dependent means that you depend on the other's dysfunction to mask your own dysfunction.  In short, it means that two people come together and are LESS than their sum total of potential should amount to are are in a mutually parasitic relationship. 

What you mean is that your "co-dependence" is "symbiotic" and that you depend on each other in a way that makes your relationship greater than the sum potential of each individual. 


Yeah. That's not codependency. (I wrote the book on that one, but I also fortunately wrote the book on codependent recovery.)

LA, I think you can rest easy about it. Codependency is relationship addiction, usually one-sided, and having a relationship as well as not having a relationship can make you feel like you're the absolute pits. Codependents HAVE to have a relationship ... but they also can't maintain them very well. It sounds like you have a mutually-dependent relationship, which sounds perfectly healthy to me.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/21/2008 5:20:54 PM   
vampchick88


Posts: 346
Joined: 4/10/2007
Status: offline 		 I have basic human needs and desires, love, honesty, desire, trust, etc. I love the fact that pet needs me and I need him, afterall I couldn't be a Domme if I didn't have someone to play with....ok maybe but it would be boring. I like being wanted and needed, its when I feel like I'm not wanted or needed when I'll leave and go to some place where I do feel those things. I'm lucky enough to have a pet who constantly reminds me how much I am loved, and desired, missed dearly (since distance is a factor and we both want to be closer) and that we need eachother and feel complete when with one another. What I'm getting at is everyone wants to have the feeling of belonging and being desired, wanted, needed, etc. At times its the driving force of what we're looking for. ~Lorelei

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(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/21/2008 7:18:28 PM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline 		I am needed in many aspects of my life.   I want to be wanted.   Wanting is a hunger that once satisfied, everything else falls into place. 

(in reply to vampchick88)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/21/2008 10:37:42 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		I want to be wanted. I don't need to be wanted. I don't need or want to be needed...but I won't stop it if this is the projection the slave has for me.

Master Fire


_____________________________

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(in reply to TreasureKY)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/22/2008 6:09:39 AM   
BikerDom4


Posts: 29
Joined: 1/25/2008
Status: offline 		I need to be wanted , and want to be needed... as a Dom they go together... hand in glove ...

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/22/2008 6:51:40 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		I desire being wanted but dread being needed.

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Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/22/2008 6:19:45 PM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

I desire being wanted but dread being needed.



I can definitely understand where you are coming from, Michael, and that seems to be a common feeling among dominants, but allow me to put an interesting twist on things...

Submissives (slaves, or what-have-you) are often told by dominants that their needs will be provided, but their wants will only be considered.

If a sub needs you, then she is assured of your presence/attention/care.  If she doesn't need you but just wants you, then she is only assured that you may grant her your presence/attention/care, if that is your whim at the time.

Can you see where this might cause some conflict in a sub?



(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/22/2008 6:31:43 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		One of the things one has to get used to in a D/s thing. There is a person at each end of the leash, and both are going to have to sacrifice some freedom in the interests of the relationship.

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Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/22/2008 6:31:53 PM   
HornyToadsMI


Posts: 287
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		Wow.....what an amazing thread.  I have always had a battle with being "needed" - stems from being codependent (as LA refered to previously) and a bad day in my childhood.  So, for someone to say "I need you" is very hard for me to hear.  I love to hear "I want you".  I says to me I am not a habit but someone he desires to be around.  :)

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(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/22/2008 6:36:44 PM   
HornyToadsMI


Posts: 287
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: batshalom

Codependency is relationship addiction, usually one-sided, and having a relationship as well as not having a relationship can make you feel like you're the absolute pits. Codependents HAVE to have a relationship ... but they also can't maintain them very well. It sounds like you have a mutually-dependent relationship, which sounds perfectly healthy to me.


From past experience...it is easy to float into a codependent relationship.  Since there is past comfort and experience, there are days I have to be careful.....as relationships can flux, so can the codependency.....

Sorry to hijack the thread.....lol.  :)

< Message edited by HornyToadsMI -- 5/22/2008 6:38:09 PM >

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i have the best job in the world - my Boss whips me!!!

Go with your gut - yes, I am being a Smart Ass!

(in reply to batshalom)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/22/2008 8:21:02 PM   
Real_Trouble


Posts: 471
Joined: 2/25/2008
Status: offline 		For my part, I could take or leave other people.  There are many things that interest me, and others are often an obstacle to me exploring those things, not something that catches my interest.

I would suggest I'm probably unusual in the degree of alone that I'm comfortable being, though.  I have many friends who have remarked on the fact that I can be the most solitary person they know.  Thus, I would suggest it's genuinely not a major issue for me to be wanted or needed.

As long as I can do my thing, I'm happy.  If someone compelling comes along, I might be interested, but I'm not exactly going to be displeased if they don't.




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Send lawyers, guns, and money.

(in reply to HornyToadsMI)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/22/2008 8:23:33 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

Can you see where this might cause some conflict in a sub?



I can see where it will cause conflict for someone that is roleplaying to be submissive.

But a person that is submissive... well... it's hardly submissive if you get everything you want too.

Truth is... NO ONE.. gets all they want... the difference is.. the Dominant might have alittle more say of what wants they will get compared to the submissive.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to TreasureKY)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/22/2008 8:41:16 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY
Submissives (slaves, or what-have-you) are often told by dominants that their needs will be provided, but their wants will only be considered.

If a sub needs you, then she is assured of your presence/attention/care.  If she doesn't need you but just wants you, then she is only assured that you may grant her your presence/attention/care, if that is your whim at the time.

Can you see where this might cause some conflict in a sub?



I disagree with this a bit, Treasure. 

Mr. Wonderful's mastery of me brings out the best of me.  Therefore, I need his mastery (note - it is his mastery, not just any Master) to be the best me I can be, and I am still a work in progress.  I am assured my needs will be met, either by him providing for them or by him teaching and expecting me to provide them for myself.  I am assured of nothing, regarding his presence/attention/care.  Those things are still at his whim, and I drink them in when I receive them.

Now, sometimes his whim means all the time, in overwhelmingly awesome doses.  Sometimes it's in overwhelmingly scarce doses.  But I am cared for, and my needs are met.  And I need him and want him and there is no conflict.  In fact, I was recently to assess my place with him and my thoughts about remaining in it, and my conclusion is I want very much to be here, despite the occasional difficulties.

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(in reply to TreasureKY)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/22/2008 8:46:42 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

I desire being wanted but dread being needed.



I can definitely understand where you are coming from, Michael, and that seems to be a common feeling among dominants, but allow me to put an interesting twist on things...

Submissives (slaves, or what-have-you) are often told by dominants that their needs will be provided, but their wants will only be considered.

If a sub needs you, then she is assured of your presence/attention/care.  If she doesn't need you but just wants you, then she is only assured that you may grant her your presence/attention/care, if that is your whim at the time.

Can you see where this might cause some conflict in a sub?


The difference between need and need needs to be clearer.  You mean "need" in the sense of important things that must be provided to ensure your happiness and success.  I mean "need" in the sense of filling a black hole of neediness.  NOT the same thing.

I am going to give a made up example

The NEED to feel secure is a need we all have and one that should be provided for.

However, "needing" to be called/call 20 times a day is "neediness" and is the symptom of some issue going on in the relationship or with one or more partners.

BSB has submissive people she is with, I generally have no issue with that and no needs around making sure I feel secure.  However, there are times when I do have needs and I ask for them to be filled.   There are those who wouldn't need that, there are others who couldn't handle it, I am somewhere in the middle.

(in reply to TreasureKY)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/22/2008 9:24:30 PM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

Can you see where this might cause some conflict in a sub?



I can see where it will cause conflict for someone that is roleplaying to be submissive.

But a person that is submissive... well... it's hardly submissive if you get everything you want too.

Truth is... NO ONE.. gets all they want... the difference is.. the Dominant might have alittle more say of what wants they will get compared to the submissive.


lol, KoM... I'm either misunderstanding what you're trying to say in a terrible way, or I'm disappointed.

A submissive isn't really a submissive if she wants what she wants? 

Accepting that I'm just not going to get everything I want doesn't make me want what I want any less.  It just makes me reasonable and realistic.  As you say, no one gets everything they want... dominants included. 

My point was the conundrum that is set up in a submissive's mind when in one breath she is told that needs will always be provided but wants perhaps withheld... (this places needs firmly in the "reliable-you-can-count-on-'em column" and wants in the "you-never-know column")... then is told that to please her dominant she should not need him but only want him. 

That sort of places him in the "you-never-know column", too.  It's a bit difficult to develop trust for someone when you don't know if they are going to be there for you.

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/22/2008 9:27:54 PM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

...I am assured of nothing, regarding his presence/attention/care.  Those things are still at his whim, and I drink them in when I receive them.


I understand, owned... by using presence/attention/care, I was hoping to imply whatever it is that you need from your dominant. In your case, it appears to be his mastery.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

... I need him and want him and there is no conflict.


But has he told you that you are not to need him?

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/22/2008 9:35:12 PM   
CountrySong


Posts: 554
Joined: 1/25/2008
Status: offline 		I had someone who needed me once and I responded to that need no love ever burned deeper into my soul. Was it co-dependant? Yes. But oh the feeling and passions. The highs and the lows. To look into someones eyes and know that you are a hero - amazing for the soul.

However, heros are only human and they too fall. When it ended it scorched my soul and i was left alone but still madly in love. I think I would have lost my mind if it was not for one special friend. The healing is done but the chared soul heart and soul remain. My mind says never be needed again but my soul yearns for it. Like a moth for a flame.

(in reply to Skyeful)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted... - 5/22/2008 9:45:40 PM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

The difference between need and need needs to be clearer.


I agree completely.  There is a huge difference between being needed and being the object of someone's neediness.

I think clarification by both parties might be helpful... asking a submissive just exactly what he or she means when they say they "need" a dominant... and expounding upon what the dominant means when they say they do not wish to be needed.

Unfortunately, the first thought that comes to my mind when I hear someone say that they don't wish to be needed is that they don't wished to be relied upon... they don't want to be responsible... that they wish to be selective about when and if they are available and for what purposes. 

*shrugs*  This may just be my own warped perception created from some past experience, though.   

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 60
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