RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no?

RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? (Full Version)

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LadyRainfire -> RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? (5/21/2008 6:58:02 PM)
I'd have no problems going with an inexperienced Dom, my first Master was as new as I was and we learned together. As has been said, being dominant isn't necessarily about your skills set but personality. I would take learning, safety, trust and respect into account. It's about so much more than just experience. But that's just me......

clevername2 -> RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? (5/21/2008 7:15:46 PM)
It all depends on what kind of experience they didn't have.

marieToo -> RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? (5/21/2008 7:34:54 PM)
If I look at dominant as a personality trait rather than a noun, it's easier to break down the question and answer it. In my experience people tend to show personality traits such as dominant and submissive from a young age. I'm not sure it's even possible to say whether or not someone has experience being submissive or being dominant. I think you either have those characterisics or you don't. If I met a man who felt dominant to me, and he had never experienced being in a D/s relationship, sure, I'd give him a chance. If, however you're talking about being dominant or submissive in a 'scene', then it enters into another area. Obviously being "a" Dom often ties in with dominating or controlling in the bedroom as well. And for me, it would be a little bit uncomfortable to submit to a man who didn't have any previous experience topping someone. Again, it's sometimes hard to separate the strands, because in my experience every "dom" that I've known also controls in the bedroom, but not every dominant person out there is into s and m and bondage etc. For me, they have to be both, and while I wouldn't rule someone out who had no experience topping in the bedroom, it's my preference that they do.

Lordandmaster -> RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? (5/21/2008 8:26:25 PM)
Laugh...oh, so now you invented the wheel? quote: ORIGINAL: JohnWarren quote: ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster The many opportunities to learn that are now available? To learn WHAT? All the answers to being a dom are inside your self, waiting to be discovered. You don't need to read books by some self-appointed expert. Maybe you're thinking about something like how to tie a square knot, but that has nothing to do with being a dom. That's how to be a TOP. Big difference. Reinvent the wheel if it makes you feel superior. No real harm ... well not much

RCdc -> RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? (5/22/2008 4:10:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lizcgirl LOL, I don't want to stick all Doms into neat little boxes. I know that every one is different and what works for one might not work for another. Nothing I said was meant to justify a stereotype, I was just stating why it wouldn't work for me personally. I give a lot of respect to the subs that do "take the chance" so to speak with a new Dom. Every Dom is a chance you take, just like every relationship you develop is a chance. Any Dom, experienced or not, can harm you or make mistakes. Any Dom can just not be the one for you, it's all on a person-to-person basis. I just know my personality and know that ME being with an inexperienced Dom wouldn't be a good idea. And alot of that comes from the fact that I'm still learning myself. None of it was meant in a negative way towards new Doms, just admitting it wouldn't work for me. (my wording at times just plain sucks, and I feel a bit off tonight so sorry if it came out all wrong! lol) liz I am not trying to simply disagree with you for the sake of disagreeing - and I am always honest k? But this isn't just a conversation between you and me on this forum - this is out there - being read by other people so I am compelled to respond to you words. Your words worry the fuck out of me. Anyone who states things the way you are throws up a big old flag. S-types taking a chance and deserve your admiration, just because the dominant is new? No. No. No. People take chances on people, regardless of how new someone is or not. You feel that someone with less experience can cause more harm or is more risk - then you need to re-evaluate. If you think you are safer with an 'experienced' dominant then that in itself is bad risk assessment. If you think that with holding information from dominants or spending time with dominants that are happy for you to not tell them the whole truth is a good idea - then the relationship isn't necessarily a healthy one. You look at the individual NOT the experience levels. And finally, I highlighted the most worrying statement of all in which I totally disagree. No one harms you as a s-type BUT YOU. Passing the blame onto others is scarey and irresponsible. You place yourself into the position, you give over, you submit, you transfere your authority over, you have the responsibility for yourself - regardless of how much authority is transfered over - regardless of the experience. And personally, I would not play or be with anyone who thought otherwise and I certainly would advise the same. the.dark.

KaineD -> RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? (5/22/2008 5:04:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP liz, what you aren't recognizing is that every new relationship starts from scratch. No new partner will magically read your mind and know if you respond well or badly to a punishment dynamic. That's what communication is for. For those of us who don't do well in a punishment dynamic, it doesn't matter if his last twelve subs thrived under that, because just using it again without delving into the new sub as a person would ruin the new relationship and possibly drive her out of d/s totally. Doesn't matter if he's always used humiliation. If the new sub turns out to have emotional triggers that make her fear and distrust him when he humiliates her, he has to learn new ways to deal with her. As far as setting rules go, his last may have been able to memorize 124 slave rules overnight, but his new one may not be able to handle more than one at a time and need a month to get one down pat before learning the next. Or vice versa in all these scenarios. Each new partner requires that both the dom and the sub start from scratch and learn each other. As far as not telling him what works best on you, should you know it, why on earth wouldn't you be honest? Why would you set out to lie, decieve and manipulate someone you like, admire and desire to submit to? Why not give him a little learning curve? And usually it doesn't take more than about six months for someone who has the dominant drive to get up to speed. I agree completely. This is a great response. I think communication is vitally important. Doms aren't mind readers, and in a new relationship I think it is a good idea for a sub to communicate likes/dislikes in order for the Dom to attain a better understanding for the subs needs.

beargonewild -> RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? (5/22/2008 6:09:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KaineD I was wondering how some of you feel about Doms with little or no D/s experience. Relationship wise, would a Dom with no experience just not be worth considering? Obviously everyone is going to have some different opinions on this. I read a post a while ago that said (paraphrasing here) 'a Dom should try things out as a sub first', which I really thought was no good, and someone else said 'How can a Dom know he is a Dom if he has no experience'. And yet, many people in this lifestyle state that they knew what they were from very early on. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that experience is less of a requirement for a sub than it is for a Dom. Opinions? I'd like to relate the situation I'm experiencing right now. For the past year, I've been seeing this person who has many qualities and traits we associate to a dominant personality. Sir has many interests in WIITWD and is intrigued by many aspects of a D/s relationship yet he has no prior experience. We has discussed many different aspects, he has read a few books and he has asked me tons of questions which I try to answer and when I can't I refer him to talking with a mutual Dom friend we both have known for many years and respect. Sir has no desire to experience submission and I'd never force that on to him out of a high sense of respect for him. To answer your question, my answer is a definite yes as I am building a relationship with a Dom who has little to no experience in a D/s based relationship. I do so because, I trust him enough to respect my wants and needs and he trusts me to do the same. Both our beliefs are quite similar and Sir knows beyond a shadow of a doubt I will not violate his trust nor his limits. Sir knows that I will do what is necessary to ease his fears, put his well being before mine; emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. In our eyes, that is how our D/s relationship works and it fulfills us both.

chaah -> RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? (5/22/2008 6:31:26 AM)
I've never been with a Dom, but I have spent months with a Domme who had zero experience, and it was/has been amazing. In my opinion, it is not experience that counts, rather it is how you match, their common sense, how well they can read you and express themselves, their natural talent for getting in one's head, and knowing what pressure to apply, and how far they can push you, etc... And a little creativity never hurt ;)

littleone35 -> RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? (5/22/2008 7:31:32 AM)
Before i met my Master i would have considered a Dom with litle experience if eveything else was there. I perfered a Dam with experience. IIt is just a personal preference. Matt's littleone

KatyLied -> RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? (5/22/2008 8:23:31 AM)
Experience can mean absolutely nothing if they are not trying new things and broadening their experiences. A dom with 20 years experience who is doing the same thing he did 20 years ago isn't impressive to me.

sambamanslilgirl -> RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? (5/22/2008 8:33:31 AM)
for me, it's an automatic no-no if the dom has no experience. not looking for an expert in everything but having some experience is ok.

pettingdragons -> RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? (5/22/2008 12:06:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KaineD I was wondering how some of you feel about Doms with little or no D/s experience. Relationship wise, would a Dom with no experience just not be worth considering?I could be wrong, but it seems to me that experience is less of a requirement for a sub than it is for a Dom. Opinions? i would just "top" him since i am a slave switch...well if Master says i am allowed....LOL pettingdragons Master Dragons considered slave

MadRabbit -> RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? (5/22/2008 1:48:45 PM)
You know...how do people think dominants get all this experience they crave? Praying to God? Asking Santa? Leaving a quarter for the tooth fairy?

MadRabbit -> RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? (5/22/2008 1:52:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster The many opportunities to learn that are now available? To learn WHAT? All the answers to being a dom are inside your self, waiting to be discovered. You don't need to read books by some self-appointed expert. Maybe you're thinking about something like how to tie a square knot, but that has nothing to do with being a dom. That's how to be a TOP. Big difference. quote: ORIGINAL: JohnWarren However, I would be suspicious of any dominant who hadn't taken the many opportunities to learn that are now available What he said...

lilacs -> RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? (5/22/2008 3:10:27 PM)
~FR~ I have no problem with a dominant who does not have a lot of experience - in fact, sometimes it is better that way. Why? Because fewer assumptions are made. No "Well, the last submissive I had did such-and-so." So long as the dominant is willing to explore and learn the skills necessary to be the sort of effective top that I require, it can be incredibly rewarding to walk those paths of self discovery with someone, IMO.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? (5/22/2008 5:26:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster The many opportunities to learn that are now available? To learn WHAT? All the answers to being a dom are inside your self, waiting to be discovered. You don't need to read books by some self-appointed expert. Maybe you're thinking about something like how to tie a square knot, but that has nothing to do with being a dom. That's how to be a TOP. Big difference. quote: ORIGINAL: JohnWarren However, I would be suspicious of any dominant who hadn't taken the many opportunities to learn that are now available L&M, I normally agree with you but that was over the top. I have crossed swords with Warren too, or at least at one point he called me an idiot for something or other so I am not kissing up to anyone here. Creating a D/s relationship or hurting someone you love in a BDSM way isn't something that we just "know" how to do. I think creating healthy relationships is something that you can't learn from a book, you have to do the hard work yourself but there is a LOT you can learn from books. Midori's new book The Wild Side of Sex has the best chapter on humiliation I have ever seen, really lays out how it works. Look at the idiotic threads day in and day out on this board that someone reading a few books would have easily solved. Warren is right, if you want to reinvent the square wheel go ahead but books, classes, and just shutting up and listening to others can provide a huge amount of education that would otherwise only be learned at the cost of much heartbreak.

DreamyLadySnow -> RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? (5/22/2008 7:49:41 PM)
Kaine if everyone said no to Dom/mes with no experience, then none of us would have any experience. I hope that this person has at least tried to get some one-on-one training from someone, though, because not everything is best learned through experience (the EYES, the eyes are the one part of the body you don't flog..grr..have to remember that! lol) LS

DiurnalVampire -> RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? (5/22/2008 7:54:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KaineD I was wondering how some of you feel about Doms with little or no D/s experience. Relationship wise, would a Dom with no experience just not be worth considering? I could be wrong, but it seems to me that experience is less of a requirement for a sub than it is for a Dom. Opinions? Experience is not more or less important, but it can be more or less dangerous. Depending on the type of play a Dom wishes to engage in, I can see why some subs would prefer an experienced vs an inexpereinced Dom. In general and if the Dom in question has a decent head on their shoulders... then everyone starts somewhere so it shouldnt matter. Not all of us believe that starting as a sub is the way to go. I am dominant, and even had I tried to be sub I would have learned nothing and I would have been a bad sub. Nothing to gain in my opinion. However, until I had learned from others, followed my mentor and attended a few lifestyle gatherings I didnt dare actually try doing anything to anyone. DV

CrazyC -> RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? (5/22/2008 7:59:00 PM)
Let see... would I or wouldn't I? That is the question....lol. Actually, there is no black or white on this subject. There can't be, because each individual is in a diffrent spot of thier lives. Each of us is learning new things about ourselves as individuals and our needs in a couple. Like a Dom with alot of experience could actually be more abusive then the Dom who has little experience. Or the experienced Dom could have grown into the Dom he is today through trial and error. I know personally I can't just submit to anyone. No matter what "skills" they might have or how Dom-ly they act. What does count is the chemistry there to make me want to submit. I have been around those in the scene who were good looking and knowledgeable, and do nothing for my submissive side. But then there are others that don't even know anything about the scene, that my knees go weak, i blush, and can't keep eye contact once they enter a room. The final answer would be up to you as an individual. I know I was lucky to have knowledgable Doms around me when i first started out to show me the way around stuff, but I am glad i never limited it to just them. I learned many things about my wants and needs from those with less experience also. Edited because i think faster then i type...

Lordandmaster -> RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? (5/22/2008 9:05:36 PM)
That didn't have anything to do with Warren--or anyone else SPECIFICALLY. It had to do with what you can and can't learn from books. Really, what on earth can you learn in a book about how to be a dom? Either it's inside of you or it's not, and if it IS, you have to listen to yourself and discover what kind of a dom you are. No book can tell you that. All you can learn from books is how to tie a knot or what sorts of ideas other people have had or what kind of relationships OTHER PEOPLE think are healthy and unhealthy. I don't think those are quite in the same category as inventing the wheel. quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael quote: ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster The many opportunities to learn that are now available? To learn WHAT? All the answers to being a dom are inside your self, waiting to be discovered. You don't need to read books by some self-appointed expert. Maybe you're thinking about something like how to tie a square knot, but that has nothing to do with being a dom. That's how to be a TOP. Big difference. quote: ORIGINAL: JohnWarren However, I would be suspicious of any dominant who hadn't taken the many opportunities to learn that are now available L&M, I normally agree with you but that was over the top. I have crossed swords with Warren too, or at least at one point he called me an idiot for something or other so I am not kissing up to anyone here. Creating a D/s relationship or hurting someone you love in a BDSM way isn't something that we just "know" how to do. I think creating healthy relationships is something that you can't learn from a book, you have to do the hard work yourself but there is a LOT you can learn from books. Midori's new book The Wild Side of Sex has the best chapter on humiliation I have ever seen, really lays out how it works. Look at the idiotic threads day in and day out on this board that someone reading a few books would have easily solved. Warren is right, if you want to reinvent the square wheel go ahead but books, classes, and just shutting up and listening to others can provide a huge amount of education that would otherwise only be learned at the cost of much heartbreak.

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