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ProtagonistLily -> RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? (6/2/2008 7:26:34 PM)
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Great questions/conversation - I expect that the answers will run the gambit, but here's my experienced opinion(s):
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Obviously everyone is going to have some different opinions on this. I read a post a while ago that said (paraphrasing here) 'a Dom should try things out as a sub first', which I really thought was no good,
I don't think that's going to work for everyone either.
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and someone else said 'How can a Dom know he is a Dom if he has no experience'.
The same way he knows that he doesn't want to dive head first into a vat of boiling oil...some things, one just knows.
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And yet, many people in this lifestyle state that they knew what they were from very early on. .
And some of us have tried the other side of the whip and figured out where we really belonged. Some of us do that, some of us don't - there's no standard that's for sure.
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I could be wrong, but it seems to me that experience is less of a requirement for a sub than it is for a Dom.
I don't know if 'wrong' is the right word, but you could be screwing yourself out of some pretty interesting times if you think you can't learn something from an experienced submissive.
I took poetic license and saved this for last
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I was wondering how some of you feel about Doms with little or no D/s experience. Relationship wise, would a Dom with no experience just not be worth considering?
I was always a little leary of playing with an inexperienced Top. I'd always pretty much had the privledge of playing with very experienced people who were known in the scene, so I had little worries in the way of being hurt because of someone's inexperience.
A couple of years ago, I met a 'new Dom' at a munch. I'd run across his profile here on CM, but his lack of experience and activity in the local scene at the time was a detractor. I of course deserved to play with only the most highly skilled and scene worthy as I'd been around my local scene long enough to know pretty much everyone, and this guy was totally green as far as I could tell. He couldn't name anyone who I knew that he'd played with, so, I didn't take him very seriously. I ran into him at parties, and we'd chat and he was interesting and pretty smart, and fairly decent looking, but new, and certainly not for someone seriously experienced like me. According to him, he'd played with girls before, but he didn't have any references.
So after we'd hung out a few times and then went for a drink after a party once, he suggested that we play. Reluctantly I agreed, but only at a party so there were other people around. He was willing to do that, because he wanted to make sure I was comfortable.
That was almost 3 years ago to the day, and we haven't played with anyone else since. Now, am I suggesting that someone should play with every guy who calls himself Dom, regardless of his experience? No, I most surely am not.
But I'm also here to say that if I'd allowed my ego to continue to carry me away, and discounted this man because of his relative inexperience, I wouldn't wear his collar today.
So really you never know - so much of what we do has to do with personality, chemistry, sexual and intellectual attraction...the list is endless. I think the only real advice I'd give is, if you know someone who you are thinking about playing with can't produce any credible references (and by that I mean that they've played with someone who can be traced back to someone else who you, or someone close to you knows) and they are genuine, they will agree to play in a public-ish place (even if it means that someone else is in the apartment where if something goes south, you can get help). If they can't agree to that, then I would be seriously concerned about them from a safety perspective.
PL
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