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MstrssScarlet -> RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? (5/22/2008 9:56:35 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: marieToo
If I look at dominant as a personality trait rather than a noun, it's easier to break down the question and answer it.
In my experience people tend to show personality traits such as dominant and submissive from a young age. I'm not sure it's even possible to say whether or not someone has experience being submissive or being dominant. I think you either have those characterisics or you don't.
If I met a man who felt dominant to me, and he had never experienced being in a D/s relationship, sure, I'd give him a chance. If, however you're talking about being dominant or submissive in a 'scene', then it enters into another area. Obviously being "a" Dom often ties in with dominating or controlling in the bedroom as well. And for me, it would be a little bit uncomfortable to submit to a man who didn't have any previous experience topping someone. Again, it's sometimes hard to separate the strands, because in my experience every "dom" that I've known also controls in the bedroom, but not every dominant person out there is into s and m and bondage etc. For me, they have to be both, and while I wouldn't rule someone out who had no experience topping in the bedroom, it's my preference that they do.
I would agree with marieToo as well as MadRabbit. My husband and I are very good examples because we are almost mirror images of each other in how we started out. I just wanted to get into BDSM and at first thought my role should be as a submissive. My husband knew from the beginning that not only was he interested in BDSM, but he could only enjoy it from the dominant perspective. When I started out, I always put on my profile that the dominant should have at least some experience because I didn't have any and at least ONE of us should know what we were doing.
After being married to my dom/husband for about 2 years, he began to notice some very dominant traits in me. He encouraged me to give it a try and I discovered he was right. From that point on, he became the only person I would ever bottom to. He also became my mentor. In my opinion, THAT is the best way for a dominant to learn. He would watch me with my subs from a discreet distance and give me tips on what I was doing wrong or right. When we were at events or parties, he would point out a lot of things about other people that I hadn't paid attention to before. He helped me learn how to read people and become a better domme. Eventually I became more skilled than him with some of the equipment - whips, needles, etc. These were things I learned in classes and from books. Sometimes from dom/mes other than my husband. What I will never be better at is the mental part. I may become AS good as him someday, but I will never be BETTER.
To sum it up, I feel that the best way for a dominant to learn is to find a mentor. That's how I learned and I've passed it on to others when they've requested it - both the mental and physical aspects.
Mistress Scarlet
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