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RE: Common denominator - 5/23/2008 8:46:32 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Phin
there is a reason there is a Ask Cali thread. the woman is a genious. I would have never thought of it that way, but she is right.

again I bow before Cali's wisdom.


Wow Phin, I'm touched.  Seriously.  I could say "and I don't mean touched in that slutty way", but that would cheapen the sentiment, so I won't go there. 

GT, how's the head this morning?

Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to Phin)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Common denominator - 5/23/2008 8:47:05 AM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

... I do think that break-up by email is sucky behavior, but if you are LD and that's the main form of communication for all things it shouldn't come as a huge surprise that a breakup would be handled in that manner.


I agree, but what is even suckier is that in GT's case, she said they had been living together for 5 years.  Talk about a slap in the face...

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Common denominator - 5/23/2008 8:53:37 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

Actually, I guess what I am asking is HOW THE HELL do you figure out what it IS that keeps going wrong??


well, since you asked...
 
this slave bumped her head against a very similar wall (and it very well could have been the whiskey talking, but STILL...) and decided to spend 3 years single, taking her own self out to the movies and spending a romantic birthday dinner with her own self.  instead of struggling in a relationship, she HAD ONE with her "self".
 
after spending a LOT of alone time with her, it turns out the self wasn't a bad person...she just plain submitted to all and sundry, without making intelligent choices based on the person she was submitting to---just going by how they presented themselves.  they were charmers, good at lying and deceit, unconcerned with this slave's basic needs and would surely have seen and/or sent her to her grave.  this slave was gullible and willing, but not willing to die or go to prison for the sake of the relationship.
 
after 3 years of pursuing self-interests such as taking a ceramics class, hiking in the forest & home-schooling wee ones, to name a few, this slave decided after all she had learned about her self, NOT to look for or enter into a relationship agreement with another person again because they couldn't possibly accept her, and she might not be the best person at spotting the liars, fakes and frauds.
 
she resigned herself to continuing the rest of her path in this life single and ready to mingle.
 
in another attempt at self-improvement, she went to the MD for help to quit smoking.  he suggested she change her "lifestyle".  went home and searched the internet for "lifestyle" and discovered the "lifestyle" of M/s  and D/s relationships, BDSM, where sexual pleasure from pain is acceptable, even celebrated.
 
in an attempt to get involved with real-time people, she set up profiles on BDSM personal's sites, identifying as submissive and seeking friends for fun and frolic.
 
as it turned out, she agreed to meet Master after 6 weeks of discovering the alternative lifestyle of D/s, M/s-based relationships and BDSM, with the hope that at the very least we'd be able to have some fun together and this slave would edify her self about expressions of alternative sexuality and relationship structures.  He has had MUCH more experience than this slave...and was willing to answer her questions, without freaking out on her, no matter the question.
 
it has been 5+ years of fun and learning, pain with pleasure, laughter and tears,  making a home and a life together, enoying each other's company as often as we possibly can.
 
to date, it has been vastly different than any other relationship this slave has ever had.  the level of honesty, integrity and confidence is profound.  this slave melts every single time she looks into His eyes.
 
she wasn't looking for a relationship...but she was, indeed, blessed by the Great Architect with one.
 
best wishes, GreedyTop.

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Common denominator - 5/23/2008 8:55:09 AM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

... The perception of the word failure being that it is something personal and bad to fail.


True.  But a relationship failing to work is not a personal failure... or at least it should be viewed that way.  It is possible to do all the right things yet a relationship still fail.  Granted, it doesn't happen that way as often as people like to think, but sometimes it does. 

Failed relationships should be viewed as learning experiences, but that is easier said than done.  Usually time and distance are required before you can see the points of failure for what they are.

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Common denominator - 5/23/2008 9:10:25 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		thank you all for the kiind words and food for thought. I'll address things that were brought up / asked later, when I'm at work (and not feeling quite so foggy..lol.. it's NOT a hangover, dammit...LOL)

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(in reply to TreasureKY)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Common denominator - 5/23/2008 9:18:18 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

... The perception of the word failure being that it is something personal and bad to fail.


True.  But a relationship failing to work is not a personal failure... or at least it should be viewed that way.  It is possible to do all the right things yet a relationship still fail.  Granted, it doesn't happen that way as often as people like to think, but sometimes it does. 

Failed relationships should be viewed as learning experiences, but that is easier said than done.  Usually time and distance are required before you can see the points of failure for what they are.



I agree wholeheartedly.
I was trying to say in a clumsy way (perhaps) that the word fail doesnt have to be negative or personal, but that a lot of people view it that way.
I personally would say i have had failed relationships, rather than, i have had relationships that didnt work out.
Just choice of wording i guess

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(in reply to TreasureKY)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Common denominator - 5/23/2008 11:25:25 AM   
cjan


Posts: 3513
Joined: 2/21/2008
Status: offline 		GT, two thoughts I have that you might want to consider.

I was chatting on the phone recently with a friend who mentioned that she thought it may be unwise (or imprudent ) to carry on a LDR that doesn't include a first meeting before too much time goes on. Her point being that in that instance, even when peeps have long, daily phone conversations, certain images are created about the other person that, perhaps, they can't live up to in real life. No one's fault, really, it just seems to be the way the process plays out. Our fantasies, hopes and expectations may be too unrealistic and too much to expect a real person to live up to.

Secondly, In my experience, it takes a great deal of time spent together to really get to know someone. I recently broke up with a woman whom I've been in a relationship with for about 5 years. We lived together for about half that period of time. I still love her ( I don't stop loving someone once I start, it seems ) and she still loves me. But, sometimes that isn't enough. It took years of spending a great deal of time together, under all kinds of conditions and in various circumstances, before it became clear that it just wasn't going to work for us. We seemed to be reliving certain patterns of behavior over and over again. We recognized this, communicated clearly and often, but, somehow, it didn't work out, no matter how much we both wanted it to. Eventually, making the same mistakes over and over erodes a relationship until it becomes clear that it's time to let go and move on.

The main point I'm trying to make is that it takes time, imo, and experience, to really get to know some one. Lots of time. If a relationship fails it's not necessarily anybody's fault. Blaming yourself without understanding what and why things didn't work out ( or the other person either for that matter ), is counterproductive.

Take  time to consider what went wrong and why. That may take some time too. Most worthwhile things do. In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Consider how you would treat a very good friend who was in your position and treat yourself with the same kind of  loving understanding.


_____________________________

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall ,frozen , dead, from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself."- D.H. L

" When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks in to you"- Frank Nitti



(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Common denominator - 5/23/2008 11:32:41 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		Cj...*smooch*  I'll call you later, ok?

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Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to cjan)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Common denominator - 5/23/2008 12:07:40 PM   
servantheart


Posts: 960
Joined: 10/26/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		I'm sorry to hear that things didn't work out *HUG*

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(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Common denominator - 5/23/2008 1:13:20 PM   
Marc2b


Posts: 6660
Joined: 8/7/2006
Status: offline 		I’m not the best person to ask relationship advise (besides, I just got back from four days in Canada and my brain is still befuddled from trying to figure out the temperature and how fast I should be driving) although if I was drunk now I would have plenty. I do know this, however. You are on my (mental) list of favorite people and it is not easy to make it on that list. This means the problem can’t be with you but must be with all of the other half blind dumb asses too stupid to appreciate what they’ve got. Whoever this jerk was he is officially now on my shit list (which, to be sure, is pretty easy to get on).

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(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Common denominator - 5/23/2008 1:24:30 PM   
FullCircle


Posts: 5713
Joined: 11/24/2005
Status: offline 		In life it is better to be the numerator rather than the denominator. Sometimes though it is nice during sex to be the denominator with a strong thrusting numerator. If someone you know compares a sex act to a fraction you know you've met a mathemagician.

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Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Common denominator - 5/23/2008 1:56:10 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		Greedy, there is nothing wrong with you.
Unless you consider an overabundance of kindness, caring and love to be a detriment.
Beth's words hit home with me as I suspect they will with you. (Thank you for sharing, Beth)
Call me if you need to talk. (you DO still have my number right?!!!)

*kiss*

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A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


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Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Common denominator - 5/23/2008 1:58:49 PM   
cjan


Posts: 3513
Joined: 2/21/2008
Status: offline
quote:

Cali quote:

Wow Phin, I'm touched.  Seriously. 


Yes, darlin', you are seriously touched, but, we like ya anyway.


_____________________________

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall ,frozen , dead, from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself."- D.H. L

" When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks in to you"- Frank Nitti



(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Common denominator - 5/23/2008 3:24:10 PM   
Hippiekinkster


Posts: 5512
Joined: 11/20/2007
From: Liechtenstein
Status: offline 		I'm sorry, babe.

(in reply to cjan)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Common denominator - 5/23/2008 3:48:47 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		That CJ is pretty smart.  And he's a *guy*.  Dang! 

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[page 23 girl]



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Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Common denominator - 5/23/2008 3:51:50 PM   
lronitulstahp


Posts: 5392
Joined: 10/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

That CJ is pretty smart.  And he's a *guy*.  Dang! 
Until he drops trou' for me personally...the verdict is out.  i mean a chick could fake that sexy voice...i need physical evidence.
~CSI slut

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Common denominator - 5/23/2008 4:05:29 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		I was going to say the same thing Tulip... evidence please.  And no hiding the tools with the enhanced shed.

Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to lronitulstahp)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Common denominator - 5/23/2008 6:15:33 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

... This one said I was too clingy.. even after I all but ceased communication. 

... The last LTR I had the guy broke up with me via email (after living together for 5 yrs) because he had replaced me...


GT... first, my sympathies.  I'm so sorry you are hurting right now.  *hugs*

I can't tell you how to figure out what is going wrong, but there is something small here in your words that stood out to me. 

You say you all but ceased communication... why? 

Treasure.. that was poorly stated on my part.  It would have been more accurate to say that I had communicated differently .. i.e. I stopped saying things that expressed affection / love /etc. He is not the type that verbalizes emotions comfortably, so when he told me that my doing that felt clingy to him, I stopped.  I know that some people are less comfortable than others about stuff like that.

quote:

I'm guessing here, of course, but it sounds as if there were already signs that he just wasn't into you.  Why were you continuing to try (or trying to continue) to be in a relationship with someone who sounds as if he wasn't really interested in being with you?

Originally, he DID want to be with me. Until this, I didn't think that had changed. Were there warning signs? probably.. I'm trying to look back and see if I can identify them.

quote:

In your last LTR, you say that the guy replaced you.  Of course, I have no idea why he did or the circumstances of your relationship or surrounding the breakup, but if you were living together, were there no indications that he had lost interest?  Did you not wonder about the time away from you he spent developing a relationship with someone else? 

At the time, I was working as a truck driver, on the road usually a minimum of a week at a time. Lots of free time for him... 

quote:

Only you know the details of your relationships, but I can't help wondering if you are ignoring symptoms of trouble and hanging on a bit too long?

That could be... I'm trying to look back objectively, but at the moment it's not possible..

quote:

Please don't take my questions to mean that I'm suggesting that it is your fault that these relationships ended.  I'm simply pointing out that it appears that you might be valiantly hanging on to bad relationships longer than you should. 

You deserve better, GT.   You will only be treated as well as you allow yourself to be treated.   Know your worth and don't settle for less. 

*hugs again*



thanks, Treasure *smoooch*


_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to TreasureKY)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Common denominator - 5/23/2008 6:16:50 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		*smoooches and hugs to you all for the kind thoughts, wishes and food for thought*

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Common denominator - 5/23/2008 6:18:38 PM   
Asherdelampyr


Posts: 9556
Joined: 11/14/2006
From: The Desert
Status: offline 		GT, you rock

its obvious to me that these guys were douchebags

because, as previously stated, you rock!

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(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 60
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