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RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/29/2008 9:33:34 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

Hmm, the lifestyle right?

Here in the UK there's a supermarket called Sainsbury's.. It does some brilliant fair trade Colombian coffee, the sort of coffee which smells like very rich, dark chocolate, which previously I was only able to find such coffee in a small Turkish shop on the other side of London. There are a few other things. I buy basic label stuff, and I've also worked out that the cheapest basic label coffee is actually Tchibo. It also does brilliant washing up liquid, and a few other things.

Now there are things which I feel I need which can only be found in this supermarket called Sainsbury's. And when I need these things I go there and get them. I don't live in Sainsbury's the supermarket, and while there are days I don't go to this supermarket, it's very much a part of my life.

This is my attitude to BDSM, it's part of my life, a part of my own individual lifestyle, but nothing more. Vanilla is also part of my lifestyle, even though I don't feel vanilla, but I've discovered I've got this knack of finding kinky people in vanilla situations anyway, for example I met one of my previous Dommes at a bus stop, so it doesn't really matter whether I'm in the BDSM community or "lifestyle" or not. I feel I have not just a keen sense of gaydar, but also kinkdar.

I'm one of these people who exist out there on the fringes of things. I sort of meander through life, I come in, pass through, come out of, return, leave, and move on. Very few things in my life are ever fixed or stable. Consistent yes, there is a consistent pattern which runs right through my life, but I've always been someone who has embraced progression and change rather than seek out permanence.

But then again, I only ever quit when I realise that I was wrong or what I was hoping for is no longer possible.

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(in reply to ThundersCry)

Post #: 41

RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/29/2008 9:37:15 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
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I'd never be happy with someone less wierd than me.

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Post #: 42

RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/29/2008 11:59:05 PM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

I'm not sure there's a line in the sand between what is "vanilla" and what's kink. Plenty of people here will tell you that they were participating in BDSM activities before they knew what they were called. So, were they vanilla?

And, vanilla isn't all bad or anything less than what we have and/or want. Vanilla doesn't mean boring or unimaginitive. I guess I just don't think that the label means all that much. Do what makes you happy with someone that makes you happy and if you feel that you need a label for it...label it.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

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(in reply to subtee)

Post #: 43

RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/30/2008 1:51:58 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bashfulhuck

Just over 10 years ago, i stepped away from the lifestyle. i did it out of an all consuming grieg over the loss of my Domina. Her passin nearly destroyed me in many ways.
For 8 years, i lived in a completely vanilla relationship, hiding from what i really am, and that is a complete submissive that needs a Lady to serve and love. Needless to say, that relationship ended a year ago, for the better of the both of us.
Sincerely,
rick

I admire your openness rick
about what you've been through. And it's good to see you got back here! I'm sure you'll get there where you want to be !
And I'm sending you a big huggg!

I wish you enough.

GoddezzT`

_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to bashfulhuck)

Post #: 44

RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/30/2008 1:57:19 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThundersCry

I dont know much, and hope to never claim to... but I do know I can`t run from who and what I..am. I am ok with that today...Its ok, I am wired different than the majority...tsk tsk

BDSM and the lifestyle is not all about who I...am, but...its a part of me...For the folks that it is 24/7...thats great. Live and let live.

It's great to read your reply ThundersCry,
to get insight on how it went for You.
Wwe all got our lifes, and ups and downs,
and doubts, and insecuritys, and things which teach us,
which makes us grow.

It's great to see how open you're on here, and
I want to thank you for that !

I wish you enough.

GoddezzT`

< Message edited by GoddessTeaze -- 5/30/2008 1:58:30 AM >

_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to ThundersCry)

Post #: 45

RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/30/2008 2:21:53 AM

petpete

Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline

If i ain't answering one of the most respected and truly blessed Ladies of our community GT, first i would like to pay my respects to Her Grace. Second answering the topic or just adding my 2 bob once again, i would say that for someone like myself for being who i am (sub) and having to live alone and facing temptations from prospective Dommes of this group, without prejudice and aggression for failures that where either due to my inadequacy or plainly miss matching reasons and having to live for over a decade without a partner but with very supportive friends that i thank for very much of, i will have to say that i don't blame anyone for choosing vanilla nor i will call them quilters, cause we are still part of the human race, even if we are a bit on the wild side, and if we feel attracted to another fellow human it is absolutely normal to feel some attraction, no matter what that is.... After all, i wonder if any of the other species of our planet like animals for instance, do we question of what is there philosophy of attraction to other species of there kind??? Why should we be any different??

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Max: And loving it!

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)

Post #: 46

RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/30/2008 3:57:56 AM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline

I had one kiny experience out of curiosity in my early twenties. My body responded but I freaked out afterward when I saw the bruises left. Flash to twenty years later when I was more able to cope. I spent twenty years vanilla being not the sensual person I am. I supressed myself,altered myself and lived in a box. I dont think of it as being vanilla verses kink. I think of it as being able to express the full range of who I am verses not really being me.

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Post #: 47

RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/31/2008 12:13:13 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

      “If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.”~W.C. Fields

I’m interested in hearing your thoughts about quitting BDSM, the lifestyle, D/s, M/s, however you term it. Specifically, I’d like to hear your story if you’ve returned to a “vanilla lifestyle” and then come back to BDSM. What caused you to go vanilla? What drove you to return? What was the interim vanilla experience like for you? Do you ever again feel like quitting?

Thank you for whatever you’re comfortable with sharing.

Tee

     “Of all the stratagems, to know when to quit is the best”~Chinese proverb

[I’ve gone through the archives; there are folks I respect here and now that I’d like to hear from.]

I've got this out there in various threads. I did quit and come back. In a nutshell, that had a lot to do with the incompatibility between Myself and My first boy. That sounds really simple when it's typed out like that, but it really wasn't. Imagine finding yourself, and being with the person who helped you see that, but the mix wasn't right somehow. Back then, it was excitement of exploration, but with personal frustration. The kinks didn't match, the goals didn't match, and a host of other issues.

Frankly, I gave up for a while. After My first boy was uncollared, I had a lot of difficulty even just socializing in the same circle. The part of Me that felt I belonged there didn't exactly match up with other people's perceptions, or at least I saw it that way. I just kind of faded out. Then, when My michael died, I pretty much slammed the door shut. I blamed Myself for a while, and even now, it's hard to disassociate from that.

What drove Me to return was My husband and My exploration of poly. I just kept attracting submissive males. It was something like a second awakening, with a little more structure and acceptance. There was a difference though. I embraced that part of Myself the second time around more than I did the first. I even kind of understood what My first boy was aiming at, that I wasn't ready to be back then. (I still often think he'd have been happier then with the sadist I am today.)

These are terrible answers to your questions, tee. I apologize for not being as articulate as I would like to be on the subject.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to subtee)

Post #: 48

RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/31/2008 5:03:31 AM

Evility

Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b
Hmm, the lifestyle right?

But then again, I only ever quit when I realise that I was wrong or what I was hoping for is no longer possible.

Great post, Stella. I share several of your feelings and always enjoy your posts. I'm going to borrow your coffee analogy and put my own twist on it.

Lately quite a few things are getting more expensive here in the States. Gasoline is skyrocketing. Another item that is getting pricier by the day is coffee. For years I drank bargain coffee and was seemingly happy with it. A few years ago I began to explore more expensive coffees and settled in on Starbucks Italian Roast. Since the Starbucks brand has become so expensive lately I have been auditioning some less expensive alternatives but I am having a really tough time weaning myself off of Starbucks.

I see my involvement in bdsm in a very similar fashion. I've been pursuing all of this in some form or fashion since before I even became sexually active and that was pretty early in itself. Only in the last few years have things really ramped up activity wise. I'm big into the physical side of bdsm and I am not talking about owning 50 different floggers. I like a lot of sadistic pursuits. I am one of the lucky dominants who has a submissive who walks in the door and say "Here I am - do what you will". I've become quite accustomed to that.

I was talking last year with a local dominant who is a friend and we were discussing playing with new partners. He said he could lay out his toys on a table, have a submissive come in and remove those toys she did not want included in the play and then he could work with what was left without any difficulty. Bear in mind this guy hadn't had any regular play partner in some time.

I don't know if I could do that if I was in that position. It's too similar to the tail wagging the dog... especially in light of my current circumstances. All submissives are different and all submissives are special in their own ways but we all know that "here I am - do what you will" types (I believe the common vernacular among the female submissive community is "doormat" *wink*) do not grow on trees.

So there you have it. I'm not going to give up coffee - it's not "Starbucks or Bust" for me. Downgrading my bdsm activities would not be a good scene for myself or the prospective submissive. Hopefully I am never going to have to cross that bridge but this is one example of someone who might really just put it to rest for good under certain circumstances.

God bless Juan Valdez.

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 49

RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/31/2008 6:12:14 AM

mztresn0w

Posts: 174
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline

I took a break for 3 years due to a break up. I spent the time trying to figure out what I needed and realized that it was just part of me and came back to the lifestyle a better person.

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Becareful what you ask for you may get it and then realize it wasn't what you wanted.
Wicked Evil Grin

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 50

RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/31/2008 6:17:22 AM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

I don't think quilters are more inclined to be vanilla...... they all have those needles, you know.

Vanilla is a part of many, if not most, people's lives, and kink holds different levels of importance to different folks. Choosing vanilla doesn't make one a quitter, necessarily, but some quitters chose to live vanilla.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to mztresn0w)

Post #: 51

RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/31/2008 7:07:58 AM

MistressRouge

Posts: 876
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Birmingham West Midlands UK
Status: offline

Why does it have to one OR the other?

I have a wonderful balance of both in my life & lifestyle.
I have an intense, loving vanilla relationship partner, at home, aware and indulges in my BDSM lifestyle from time to time. But mostly vanilla in a sense, loving

In my profession career and lifestyle, I am priviledged to indulge and emerse myself into my BDSM on a daily basis, online and real-time, lucky me. I have lifestyle slaves and submissives, aswell as professional clientele.

In my personal circumstances I have the perfect balance for me, and my BDSM AND Vanilla life

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http://mistressrougeuk.c4slive.com/

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Post #: 52

RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/31/2008 7:11:55 AM

Level

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Joined: 3/3/2006
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Good post, it doesn't have to be one or the other.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to MistressRouge)

Post #: 53

RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/31/2008 7:21:30 AM

MistressRouge

Posts: 876
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Birmingham West Midlands UK
Status: offline

Thankyou level :)

I detest when people slate and put down vanilla relationships, and seem to perceive the BDSM is the better lifestyle.

Some people have children, families and very loving vanilla relationships, and BDSM is an extension of their lifestyle also and interests.

Some people need to get real, and stop analysing whats the best, or the better way to enhance their lifestyles whatever direction.

Simply to love yourselves, and feel that genuine love, passion from others is what is important, whatever labels folk wanna fix on it, thats upto them!

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My Members Site.
http://mistressrougeuk.c4slive.com/

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Post #: 54

RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/31/2008 5:44:53 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I am very glad to see that you and I finally have a subject that we agree on, Rouge.

Like you, I also have the best of both worlds. Truth be told, I wasn't exactly unhappy with a vanilla existance. It wasn't like I was wasting away somewhere, pining to come back. I didn't really think about it all that much, until certain events unfolded. From time to time, My husband will ask Me if I feel like I wasted the time that I wasn't active. In a way yes, and in a way, no. If I had to pick a regret, it would be that I didn't build any skills during that time, but that's about it. Otherwise, I was quite happy in the time we spent building on just us.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to MistressRouge)

Post #: 55

RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/31/2008 7:43:17 PM

BikerDomRealTime

Posts: 86
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

      “If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.”~W.C. Fields

I’m interested in hearing your thoughts about quitting BDSM, the lifestyle, D/s, M/s, however you term it. Specifically, I’d like to hear your story if you’ve returned to a “vanilla lifestyle” and then come back to BDSM. What caused you to go vanilla? What drove you to return? What was the interim vanilla experience like for you? Do you ever again feel like quitting?

Thank you for whatever you’re comfortable with sharing.

Tee

     “Of all the stratagems, to know when to quit is the best”~Chinese proverb

[I’ve gone through the archives; there are folks I respect here and now that I’d like to hear from.]

I have in the past tried going back to being pure vanilla, maybe with a little bit of chocolate thrown in. But after a time the need and desires for an M/s and BDSM would begin to surface again and the vanilla would become unsatisfying.

I tired being vanilla again because of the difficulty/impossibilty of finding a partner that desires an M/s and BDSM lifestyle. It was and is much easier to find a vanilla partner than one in this lifestyle.

(in reply to subtee)

Post #: 56

RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 6/2/2008 4:17:43 AM

Deliena

Posts: 623
Joined: 6/16/2007
From: Darlington, United Kingdom
Status: offline

My current relationship is a great blend of vanilla and BDSM, we didn't met at a BDSM event, in fact I didn't expect him to be dominant in the bedroom when I met him at all (he's younger than me and a bit of a daft, grinning hippy sometimes LOL). However when we got physical it was very obvious he'd be receptive to kinky sex, so I mentioned I was into some stuff that was a little more of a walk on the wild side and was he up for it? Turns out that he considered my mild steps a little slow and he started telling me that *this* was how it was going to be. Nice moment, my tummy flipped and I just thought "mint, I've been looking for this guy forever, and he just shows up like he's nothing special.... mental"

He doesn't see how he is as anything special, he doesn't see that the fact that he treats me really well, that he's capable of holding an intelligent conversation with me when I get in from work, that he'll get the spider out of the bath for me, that he can make me laugh when I'm really just crying because I'm tired not because there's anything wrong and that when I need it he can begin to discipline me simply with a look as anything out of the ordinary. I see it as exceptional.

I was in a vanilla relationship (with occaisional kinky sex performed grudgingly) for 10 years, I wasn't unhappy all of that time. However, the relationship I am in now where we have a good balance of "vanilla" and "kink" (although I'm not always sure where the lines on these are drawn, I think we all define our edges slightly differently) is infinitely more satisfying. Not because of the balance between the v/k but because it's not something done "just to make me happy", it's done because it makes us both happy. It's not something that tolerated, it's actively persued by both of us.

Sorry this post got a bit rambling, I didn't realise some of the stuff I just typed before I just typed it, so apologies for the disjointedness.

(in reply to BikerDomRealTime)

Post #: 57

RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 6/2/2008 10:16:18 AM

PsyVamp

Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline

You know... I didn't know "what" I was in the very beginning, before full adulthood - then went on to live a "mostly vanilla" life where I kept throwing in bits of what I could ...
I decided to stop fighting the tide and be honest.
I cannot change who I am
My tastes might change along the way as I learn new things or am exposed to new people... but the fact remains that no matter what I do, I am always a very dominant person.
I find that "vanilla" guys do not always understand or celebrate dominance in women.

I cannot "go back" again

Lady Jag

_____________________________

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. .
Could a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
~Owner of wolf~ (one of them, anyway)

(in reply to subtee)

Post #: 58

RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 6/2/2008 11:10:37 AM

pinksugarsub

Posts: 1224
Status: offline

i admit i'm reacting to the title of the Op; seems to me the whole wide world of 'vanilla' ppl deserve -- or don't -- to be respected and have satisfying relationships on a case by case basis.

i have a profile on a 'vanilla' dating site, which says i'm a submissive looking for a Dominant. Mostly i get very nice Men writing to me, but every once in awhile i get some jerk who assumes i mean 'slut'. Ah, well.

pinksugarsub

< Message edited by pinksugarsub -- 6/2/2008 11:11:23 AM >

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Post #: 59

RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 6/2/2008 11:35:03 AM

PsyVamp

Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinksugarsub

i admit i'm reacting to the title of the Op; seems to me the whole wide world of 'vanilla' ppl deserve -- or don't -- to be respected and have satisfying relationships on a case by case basis.

i have a profile on a 'vanilla' dating site, which says i'm a submissive looking for a Dominant. Mostly i get very nice Men writing to me, but every once in awhile i get some jerk who assumes i mean 'slut'. Ah, well.

pinksugarsub

I don't think that they don't deserve to be respected or not on the basis of their proclivities (or lack of). I too have profiles on some of the vanilla sites.. mine states D/s and poly in the interests or within my description..I also specify that I am a dominant female.
One never knows where that most wonderful other half is (or halves are) hiding.
And yes, there are those out there who equate all of WIITWD with sex. Out there, and in here.

But those that are "strictly vanilla" think I'm too intense.. so I don't talk too long with those that are, I do not want to mislead anyone

Lady Jag

_____________________________

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. .
Could a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
~Owner of wolf~ (one of them, anyway)

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 60

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