RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous?

RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (Full Version)

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Prinsexx -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 5:50:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RavenMuse quote: ORIGINAL: BitaTruble Honey, being monogamous isn't something you deserve.. it's something you decide. The last part of that I would disagree with. Some find that when they question how they have been taught they SHOULD be by society, they find they are not.... now most here have already done that in finding that ... shock horror... they are kinky! Many of those, it wasn't a 'decision' just a discovery that it was the way they where wired.... same with gays, or bi's.... not a choise/decision but finding that was how they worked..... IMO same for Poly.... some folks ARE Poly, its the way they are wired.... other folks are Mono, again a matter of what they are naturaly suited to. Neither better or worse inherently, just suited to different mindsets. OP: your task is to sit down, take a long hard look at who you REALLY are... if you ARE Mono.... then look for that.... if you are Poly... fine look for poly... you DESERVE to be who you are naturaly, not who society/others think you SHOULD be. The one side point I will make... if it is cheating... it ain't poly... its mearly cheating! OK OK OK Okdoke......then I am poly deciding to be mono (AND trying not to be one step ahead of my own game. Jeees this self justification thing is SO consuming. It's like OK I'm poly deciding to be mono but look if I fall from garace then it isn't cheating it's just my poly nature re-asserting itself. ) Oh it never felt like cheating at the time.

xxblushesxx -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 6:01:30 PM)
1. yes 2. yes 3. no 4. no

windchymes -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 6:22:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx quote: ORIGINAL: windchymes It's always been my belief that there's a big difference between choosing to be in a poly relationship and being unfaithful in any kind of relationship. I think that's a very good point. The deeper I think about this it I reckon it amounts to this: (big admittance): that I have usually given myself the right (out of choice) to be unfaithful but have always 'blamed' the other person for being unfaithful to me. hell: looked at in the cold light of type that doesn't look good. And it gets worse: that I self-justify being unfaithful on the grounds of 'his' inadequacies.......this is looking even worse. Well, I think we're all guilty of pushing the "justification button" at times in our lives, that's only human nature. It doesn't mean you're not deserving of being happy and fulfilled in your life. [:)]

KnightofMists -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 6:38:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: windchymes It's always been my belief that there's a big difference between choosing to be in a poly relationship and being unfaithful in any kind of relationship. I agree... one can be just as unfaithful in a poly dynamic as they can be in a Mono one. Second, Failing at Mono relationship doesn't neccessarily make a person Poly anymore than failing at a poly relationship necessarily makes a person mono. It just might be that the person has serious issues in having any intimate relationship of any type.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 6:55:48 PM)
[sm=violin.gif]

Maya2001 -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 6:56:19 PM)
I go through periods where I may be seeing more than one Dom ...but I don't consider it to be poly ....they are play partners with no serious long term commitments/basically dating or bottoming .... I am wired to be monogamous when it comes to a commitedD/s relationships. I would never use poly as a means to play Doms against each other which is basically what you would be doing if the thought process is one is dishonest that you can fall back on the other.... because that is a self serving goal, not submission

KnightofMists -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 7:06:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael [sm=violin.gif] Don't forget the flowers

SimplyMichael -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 7:08:46 PM)
I will celebrate the day the light bulb comes on till then, its nothing but tough love. As always your comment was spot on!

MadRabbit -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 7:19:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael [sm=violin.gif] Yeah, that's pretty much what I was thinking. I have better things to do then to type out pats on the back to an Internet pity and drama addict.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 7:29:20 PM)
Two things: You are setting up being monogamous as the Holy Grail, meaning it is the unattainable ideal...because you are not worthy. You are equating poly with cheating. If you feel this way about ehtically done poly, you're not poly and can stop worrying about this part and go back to the unworthy part. Either way, you're going to have to work through the unworthy part before any other decision. Master Fire

chellekitty -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 8:51:28 PM)
quote: You are setting up being monogamous as the Holy Grail, meaning it is the unattainable ideal...because you are not worthy. You are equating poly with cheating. If you feel this way about ethically done poly, you're not poly and can stop worrying about this part and go back to the unworthy part. seconds this post...along with some observations of my own.... as someone else pointed out earlier in this post poly-oriented people are capable of loving more than one, that does not mean that they HAVE to be in a poly relationship...just like bisexual people are sexually attracted to both sexes and can and often are monogamous...and there are just about as many poly dynamics as there are poly people...it is possible to have one primary couple and as many play partners as you can fit in in your lifetime...as long as it is honest and in the open...the moment it becomes hidden it becomes non-consensual and cheating and not poly... but once again prinny...you have to figure out who you are and what you are worth before you introduce another person into the equation, muchless multiple other persons into the equations...because once you do that you're potentially messing up their lives, not just your own... much love chelle

DominantJenny -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 4:58:14 AM)
While you may well be polyamorous by nature, what you are talking about here sounds like commitment issues.You may simply not be ready to be in a committed relationship at this time in your life...some people are just more comfortable/happier being primarily on their own and keeping sexual relationships on a more casual level. Alternatively, you may WANT a committed relationship, but repeatedly find yourself taking the first not-totally-sucky thing that comes along...and that means you need to be a LOT more picky and only choose a relationship that fits your ideal so closely as to be irrelevant. This means, among other things, spending a lot of time thinking about what exactly it is you want in a relationship, from a partner. In the meantime, keeping it casual is the way to go. Finally, the betrayal involved in cheating isn't about the sex, it's about the lying. You have created a double standard where it's not okay for him to lie to you, but is okay for you to lie to him. Double standards like that don't work and show immaturity/a lack of empathy. If you feel it's alright to lie to someone, either do NOT get involved with that person, or make it clear from the beginning that you can't be trusted not to lie AND agree that, because of this, you will not hold lying against the other person. I suspect that you are most likely settling for unsatisfactory relationships and then cheating rather than getting out, which is a common and unfortunate pattern of passive-aggressive behavior that you really need to work through if you are going to get anywhere. Good luck.

Aileen1968 -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 5:12:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx I suppose I could have asked this on the poly board but my reasoning in asking the question: Do I deserve to be monogamous? is really placed here because this is a question I am asking myself in unravelling whether or not I am monogamous. I certainly started out being monogamous: that is when I embarked upon serious relationships of the vamilla kind. I have been married three times and entered into each of these relationships hoping against all hope that 'he' would remain faithful and furthermore hoping against all hope that I could remain faithful. In other words I viewed straying as being outside of THE relationship and these have been some of my unrersolved conflicts: 1. I felt 'used' after I got evidence that he had been unfaithful. My question is: have you ever felt like this? 2. I justified me straying on the basis of the evidence that he had been unfaithful. My question is: have you ever felt like this? 3. 'Part' of me has always retained the right to cheat and never have to justify it within a vanilla relationship. The fact that I was lying never occurred to me. My question is have you ever felt like this? 4. Although I know that bdsm is not in any way entirely centred nor indeed need necessarily be about being non-monogamous, it was not until I let go of those vanilla restrictions that I felt comfortable about being myself. In other words vanilla lifestyle has become and probably always was to me, a set of constraints imposed upon me. BUT at this moment in time giving myself the permission to be poly feels like giving myself an opt out clause: if I don't get satisfied by this dom then just grab another one on the side. actually phrasedlike that it's really not me being submissive at all. And sometimes it feels like I would be edging my bets: if I don't come up to scratch as a submissive then maybe I will be good enough for the other guy. In other words can i afford to be monogamous, out of choice. am I good enough? Dd I deserve to be monogamous? Too many questionsI know: but have you ever felt like this? Basic life choices causing complete chaos in your life again? [sm=banghead.gif] Based on your posting history I would recommend stepping back from any relationship until you learn to grasp the basics of human interactions. Once again drama seeking pity.

Prinsexx -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 5:25:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam Either way, you're going to have to work through the unworthy part before any other decision. Master Fire This is undoubtedly true. And what d'you know.......as soon as I think I get the thang fixed whoops up pops a tiny tiny l'il bit of unworthiness and flips the entire picture on its head. As for mono being the Holy Grail....it's hard to kick the habitas it was so ingrained in the dark ages of my childhood. It was reflected everywhere in everything: stories, radio, (all that listen with mother crap), and in Church, and hell, worse, in all the other girls' attitudes at the oh so nice all girls' school i went to. It's the Holy Grail for the majority isn't it?

PsyVamp -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 5:25:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx In other words I viewed straying as being outside of THE relationship and these have been some of my unrersolved conflicts: 1. I felt 'used' after I got evidence that he had been unfaithful. My question is: have you ever felt like this? I haven't had a male be unfaithful sexually or romantically since I was under the age of consent. Thinking back to then, I can remember feeling pissed off, but not used. quote: 2. I justified me straying on the basis of the evidence that he had been unfaithful. My question is: have you ever felt like this? I could easily use this "justification" had the opportunity presented itself, but I wouldn't. To tell the honest truth, I don't justify anything. I take responsibility for any of my actions as I am the only one that owns them. There are many ways to react to anything, if I choose a certain course of action it is because of who I am, not what they've done. quote: 3. 'Part' of me has always retained the right to cheat and never have to justify it within a vanilla relationship. The fact that I was lying never occurred to me. My question is have you ever felt like this? I know I'm poly, I just didn't have a word for it when I was younger. Back then, prior to finding out the realities of myself, there were lies. But the main lie was to myself, that I would stay with just one person and be satisfied. I never promised any of them that they would be my "one and only" quote: 4. Although I know that bdsm is not in any way entirely centred nor indeed need necessarily be about being non-monogamous, it was not until I let go of those vanilla restrictions that I felt comfortable about being myself. In other words vanilla lifestyle has become and probably always was to me, a set of constraints imposed upon me. I was poly IN vanilla relationships. I didn't understand what I was but I never felt bad about it, to me it was "normal" quote: BUT at this moment in time giving myself the permission to be poly feels like giving myself an opt out clause: if I don't get satisfied by this dom then just grab another one on the side. actually phrasedlike that it's really not me being submissive at all. If you really feel like you should not be poly, but you get involved with more than one person at a time anyway, then it sounds to me like it is an internal struggle for you. I understand that by openly admitting to being poly, you might loose out on a relationship, but if being monogamous is going to make you miserable, wouldn't it be better to just hold out for someone with the same tastes? quote: And sometimes it feels like I would be edging my bets: if I don't come up to scratch as a submissive then maybe I will be good enough for the other guy. In other words can i afford to be monogamous, out of choice. am I good enough? Dd I deserve to be monogamous? Too many questionsI know: but have you ever felt like this? Crap, I don't even believe in monogamy (oh, I know it exists, just not on a personal level).. so "deserve to be monogamous" would be like saying I'm a terrible person, forced to spend eternity with only one significant other. If you are looking for the "happily ever after" one person only relationship, and that is what you truly want for yourself... then you need to just hold out for it. Don't bother getting involved with those you know won't "do it for you" Deserve to be monogamous... sounds like punishment to me but if deserve to be monogamous is your nirvana, you need to seriously look inside yourself and decide who is going to be that "ONE" for you, what do YOU need in a relationship. To hell with submissive or not, just because you are submissive doesn't mean you have to settle on "mr almost right" -Good luck Lady Jag

Prinsexx -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 5:35:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: chellekitty poly people...it is possible to have one primary couple and as many play partners as you can fit in in your lifetime...as long as it is honest and in the open...the moment it becomes hidden it becomes non-consensual and cheating and not poly.. At least I am honest enough to admit to myself....and to others....(why I just don't keep my mouth shut and not post the first time somethng I'm working through comes into my head i don't know) that I have been dishonest in the past. It's a step in the right direction. quote: ORIGINAL: chellekitty but once again prinny...you have to figure out who you are and what you are worth before you introduce another person into the equation, muchless multiple other persons into the equations...because once you do that you're potentially messing up their lives, not just your own... Thanks Chelle....once again. Self-worth....well it fluctuates. Trying to do it differently and stick with the programme....well it's hard work.

Prinsexx -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 5:39:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PsyVamp Crap, I don't even believe in monogamy (oh, I know it exists, just not on a personal level).. so "deserve to be monogamous" would be like saying I'm a terrible person, forced to spend eternity with only one significant other. Deserve to be monogamous... sounds like punishment to me -Good luck Lady Jag The way you have worded it and fed this back to me had made me smile.....it just points to what a masochist I am. [:D]

eyesopened -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 5:40:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam Two things: You are setting up being monogamous as the Holy Grail, meaning it is the unattainable ideal...because you are not worthy. You are equating poly with cheating. If you feel this way about ehtically done poly, you're not poly and can stop worrying about this part and go back to the unworthy part. Either way, you're going to have to work through the unworthy part before any other decision. Master Fire Exactly! As others have said, cheating is cheating whether poly or mono. However, there IS a third choice and that is to be non-exclusive. Not being ready to be in a committed relationship isn't automatically poly. Relationships have nothing to do with self-worth. None of us *deserves* a relationship like it's an entitlement or something. Neither is happiness an entitlement. Happiness is a choice!

Prinsexx -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 5:44:27 AM)
Thanks for all this in put. Just wanted to apologise if it sounded like self-pity or drama. I am post-operative, there were complications and I just got out of hospital. that anasthesia (sp?) messes with my head but also it's been a deep lesson, you know, choosing to be on my own, not rely on anyone and come round from an experience like that back into the world and evaluste where I am at, my responsibility to date and my choices. Thanks again.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 8:31:27 AM)
You still have a lot of basic lessons to internalize for yourself- including not dwelling on and making public big thought questions when you aren't in any sort of headspace which makes perspective possible to begin with. For someone who claims to be so spiritually aware and connected, you really don't listen to anything they try and tell you.

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