RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous?

RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (Full Version)

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Prinsexx -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 5:08:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: peppermint To answer your questions... 1. No, i am not used when he cheats....in fact just the opposite happens. The emotion i am more likely to experience is hurt. 2. No, i do not base my morals on what another's morals might be. 3. No, but then i've never cheated in a relationship whether vanilla or a different flavor. The reason i have never done so is based on the answer to question 2....my own personal morals. 4. You should be mono or poly based on your own personal needs, wants, and desires just as i made my own choice based on my own needs, wants, and desires. Then I admire you and anyone who can, hand on heart, say they have never cheated. I admit to cheating even though there were was no clear agreement (in that particular relationship) as to what constituted cheating, so I am confessing if you like to cheating, yes, according to my own morals. Indeed, that's how I knew I had cheated as really and truly I had cheated myself and found it difficult to trust my own actions, as well of course, as the actions of others...upon whom I was projecting all the blame. Ahh....hindsight is a wonderful thing.

everhope -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 5:47:55 PM)
sometimes navel gazing is non productive. especially when you find yourself sucked into a whirlpool down into the empty hole of self- absorbtion. and other times navel gazing can bring a cystal clarity of self. perhaps the difference is one's intent in gazing or simply how pretty your navel is.. may we all find our bliss.

pinksugarsub -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 6:38:28 PM)
i've never asked myself some of the questions in the Op. i've always been faithful to my husband/finance/lover....and if i was sufficiently unhappy, i left. i have never cheated on anyone, ever...to me it's repugant. i feel i deserve a monogamous relationship...or that at least, i won't be really at peace in any other relationship. i have poly friends, and my impression of them is that they feel very strongly about faithfulness....they just define it differently. Course it's not the same from one poly P/person to the next, but those in long term, stable relationships seem to have the same feelings about cheating that i do...they just define it differently. i'm not in any way judging the member who wrote the Op; i think it takes courage to ask such questions of oneself. pinksugarsub

SimplyMichael -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 7:08:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael quote: but you keep turning up with a rind-side ticket. Glad to be keeping you so well entertained Uh, you hijack ever thread you enter into a "ME ME ME" fest and I was hoping that a big enough mirror might keep you entertained plus one day you might actually SEE yourself in it and grow up. I'm not entering into a dabate with you Michael as you are simply throwing a hissy fit at the moment. I am as clever as you are at reflecting back. If you want to discuss what buttons within you my posts seem to press then do so by PM, please. It scares me that someone might read your posts and thing there is any validity whatsoever to your positions and either continue or allow the sort of dysfunction you seem to embrace and welcome in yours. I tire of you intruding on threads which have nothing to do with your inability to form anything even remotely resembling a healthy relationship and sidetracking them with ME ME ME. I worry that someone might read that you are a therapist and so think all therapists are like you and avoid seeing one thinking they are all basket cases because of your example. THOSE are the buttons you push. Oh, and that anyone would think your examples of either monogamy or poly have any basis at all in the reality of how it is done by healthy people. Other than that though, I think you are making fine progress. One would think that when people like LA continue to predict the outcomes of your relationships and continue to be right about them while you are wrong that you just might stop and consider what the FUCK that means. Nobody, including me wishes you ill will, if we did, we would snicker quietly and cheer on the train wreck that is your life, instead we continue to be sucked in and offer advice which you reject in favor of the same BS that brought you the crash in the first place. YMMV

eyesopened -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/2/2008 2:39:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx saying; poly...allowed to cheat. First, if it is "allowed" then it's not cheating. Cheating is lying, a deceit. Try reading The Ethical Slut. You don't want to make a committment to any one or two or more? Then don't! Have as many partners as you wish. Just get out of the self-destructive behavior of cheating or thinking that cheating equates to polyamorous because a whole lot of people live committed poly lives without cheating.

Prinsexx -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/2/2008 3:20:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: eyesopened quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx saying; poly...allowed to cheat. First, if it is "allowed" then it's not cheating. Cheating is lying, a deceit. Try reading The Ethical Slut. You don't want to make a committment to any one or two or more? Then don't! Have as many partners as you wish. Just get out of the self-destructive behavior of cheating or thinking that cheating equates to polyamorous because a whole lot of people live committed poly lives without cheating. Someof the responses and some of the furore seems to have been sparked by the misconception that I was talking about a bdsm relationship. I wasn't . But not only that. I was talking about a relationship, (and I am prepared to say before the time I really had many morals) at a time when everybody I knew seemed to be cheating. It was free love, promiscuity ws almost expected. And I had come from a wrcthedly dysfunctional family where my mother never even slept with my father, (although she must have done once). A drunken hateful women, intent on punishing him daily. I understand and have analysed my promiscuity of that time, in depth and have written about it in aa therapy book desigened to help others. I don't do it anymore and part of my inner ramblings here are my attempts to raise the issue again simply because it was a strategy I did indeed use to make myself feel better in those vanilla marriages. The world of bdsm is struvtured, has protocolsand codes of behaviour, which for the most part I experience as a safe-guard against that form of promiscuity. Most of those peopleI know in the so-called lifestyle, (but not all) are indeed ethical. I have read the Ethical Slut and it is an inspiration. I do think that those who cheat are the ones these days that keep their mouths shut, lie and pray that an unforseen tell-tale or event doesn't catch them out. Allowed to cheat? But how would I know if they were lying about that as well? The highest proportion of contacts come from Doms who are already in a 'committed' relationship with a girl and yet when it truly comes to me showing the interest in getting to know HER, (which would indeed be equally as important as getting to know HIM(, then comes the time when they are guarded and back off. I won't be used either to patch up a failing or unhealthy relationship because HE has made the decision that 'poly' would be the solution. My ethics mean that I turn down very many offers and indeed my ethics at the moment might mean that I don't have another relationship again. Who can tell? Thank you Eyesopen.

thetammyjo -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/2/2008 6:22:58 AM)
No, honestly I have never wondered whether or not I "deserve to be monogamous" for two reasons. First, monogamy just does not feel natural or normal for me. Second, the idea that monogamy is some how superior really offends me personally.

MissMorrigan -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/2/2008 7:30:53 AM)
Ya know something, Prin. A lot of what you say has resonated with me. Back in the day and during the two purely vanilla relationships I've had, I fell into a pattern of dysfunctional behaviour where I, too, cheated on both those partners, which is something I haven't done since in D/s relationships. In the vanilla relationships I would use sex as a weapon of spite - I think women of certain generations were raised to do that. While I am in a mono relationship with Reality, he knows and understands I am hard-wired poly. We have discussed this and while I would have no interest in pursuing another male, I do have that bi 'itch to scratch'. We have discussed a compromise, one that would not be threatening to him and one that would satisfy that itch. Long before that time comes I will discuss it again with him and together (as I value his judgement) we will seek a female submissive to join our family. I think many people cannot make the distinction between poly and commitmentphobes that adopt the umbrella of poly b/c they feel more comfortable about their actions if they do.

Prinsexx -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/2/2008 8:50:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissMorrigan Ya know something, Prin. A lot of what you say has resonated with me. Back in the day and during the two purely vanilla relationships I've had, I fell into a pattern of dysfunctional behaviour where I, too, cheated on both those partners, which is something I haven't done since in D/s relationships. In the vanilla relationships I would use sex as a weapon of spite - I think women of certain generations were raised to do that. While I am in a mono relationship with Reality, he knows and understands I am hard-wired poly. We have discussed this and while I would have no interest in pursuing another male, I do have that bi 'itch to scratch'. We have discussed a compromise, one that would not be threatening to him and one that would satisfy that itch. Long before that time comes I will discuss it again with him and together (as I value his judgement) we will seek a female submissive to join our family. I think many people cannot make the distinction between poly and commitmentphobes that adopt the umbrella of poly b/c they feel more comfortable about their actions if they do. I wasn't raised in my family that sex even existed .....but as I needed to get out and away from my demon of a mother (god rest her soul) I soon learned that sex was a weapon. Surrounded by others who were wantonly uninhibited and hedonistic in their use of sex, I too soon learned to use sex as a weapon. It was a weapon that could get me a score in those drug ridden days, it could get me a bed, it could get me a room, it could get me a roof over my head, it could get me a car, a shared credit card, hell it could get me a marriage and that could get me almost anything a girl desired, including my very own millionaire. But it didn;t get me the one thing I wanted which was respectful-love. Now I am not saying that bdsm is synonymous with sex....just that my style of bdsm is. It's impossible for me to re-call any bdsm experience that has not been sexual for me. yet my ethics are stronger to the point that partners say they experience a switch whereby I turn from a servile slave type into a hard as nails walk away. That's because i now find it virtually impossible to take anything.....I am fiercely independent as if always reminiscent of those days when I srvived through the use of my body. I still cannot say to be certain that bdsm has, as yet, got me the respectful-love I must still crave since I am aware of still searching for it. My work gets me closer. Respect to you as always.

pinksugarsub -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/2/2008 10:19:50 AM)
Did i miss s'thing? Prinsexx...are you a licensed therapist? pinksugarsub

aliasmoniker -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/2/2008 10:31:18 AM)
You lost me there. Too many twists and turns. I don't see what "deserve" has to do with it. People either want to be exclusive or they don't. The problems come when people who don't want to be, say they do want it, because they think that is the only way to get what they want, which they porbably have no idea in the firts place what that even is. The worde deserve belongs in some kind of contex. It implies that there is a system in place for earning things. So whether I deserve something depends on who is rating me and how, deserving of what. In my own mind I am not rating myself so it doesn't apply. If you ask me what you deserve, I'd say you deserve to buy me lunch!

Prinsexx -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/2/2008 3:26:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: aliasmoniker I'd say you deserve to buy me lunch! Hell yes i probably do! Can youeat quickly as I will have a return trip to Texas AND have to be home to walk the dog! Do I deserve to be monogamous was just the way the question popped up in my head. Both aspects of the question need to be defined as you clearly point out but the question just seemed to capture a feeling, a fleeting moment.

MidMichCowboy -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/2/2008 4:27:42 PM)
Prinsexx You are allowed to pursue whatever type of relationship you want. You deserve whatever type makes you happy. We all do. That doesn't mean it comes easily, but we have the right to pursue it. You are definitely worth it.

StrangerThan -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/2/2008 8:14:37 PM)
Maybe you didn't mean it that way, but your original question came across pompous as hell. Life is about choices. When it comes to things you actually deserve, you can count them up on a few fingers and a monogamous relationship certainly isn't one of them. It's hard work. There's nothing deserving about it. I choose to be monogamous. That doesnt mean I've never cheated because I certainly have. There comes a point in life however when the bigger choice is who you are as a person and who you want to be - maybe even need to be. Cheating and lying go hand in hand. There's not much of an option in doing one without the other. If I lie to my submissive in that manner, why wouldn't I lie to her about anything else? It's a simple matter of making life easy for myself and being a product of my hormones rather than creating the environment where she can trust, and trust completely. And honestly, I consider poly sort of monogamous in it's own way. Why? There's no deception. And that's what cheating is. The two have nothing in common. It's not what you do. It's how you do it that makes the difference.

Kalista07 -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/2/2008 8:35:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael It scares me that someone might read your posts and thing there is any validity whatsoever to your positions and either continue or allow the sort of dysfunction you seem to embrace and welcome in yours. I tire of you intruding on threads which have nothing to do with your inability to form anything even remotely resembling a healthy relationship and sidetracking them with ME ME ME. I worry that someone might read that you are a therapist and so think all therapists are like you and avoid seeing one thinking they are all basket cases because of your example. THOSE are the buttons you push. Oh, and that anyone would think your examples of either monogamy or poly have any basis at all in the reality of how it is done by healthy people. Other than that though, I think you are making fine progress. One would think that when people like LA continue to predict the outcomes of your relationships and continue to be right about them while you are wrong that you just might stop and consider what the FUCK that means. Nobody, including me wishes you ill will, if we did, we would snicker quietly and cheer on the train wreck that is your life, instead we continue to be sucked in and offer advice which you reject in favor of the same BS that brought you the crash in the first place. YMMV Michael, i'm sorry but i truly and sincerely need to thank You...Because i was beginning to think i should be up on a tower with an assault weapon, due to the high level of insanity in all these posts......Thanks for Your truth and honesty. Kali

Leatherist -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/2/2008 8:38:01 PM)
You don't "deserve" a damn thing you haven't earned. And a woman your age should know that by now. Grow up.

Kalista07 -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/2/2008 8:44:14 PM)
That's funny Leatherist......Because honestly i was sitting here making a list in my head of the things i 'deserve' (according to me of course) and most of them are not all that nice, happy, and sunshiney...... i for one, am grateful i don't get what i deserve. Kali

Leatherist -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/2/2008 8:51:11 PM)
Pay a little closer attention to whom I replied previously dear.

Kalista07 -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/2/2008 8:53:50 PM)
i knew who You were replying to and was actually agreeing with You.... checks self for antlers hmmm....why do people keep calling me that animal? i have no antlers, no fur, no hooves... Kali

Leatherist -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/2/2008 9:19:54 PM)
ahh...ok. In any case, having had my say-I think I am done with the op. Time to add one more to the ignore list. Nothing more to see here folks, time to move along.......[:D]

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