RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous?

RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (Full Version)

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Prinsexx -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 8:42:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross You still have a lot of basic lessons to internalize for yourself- including not dwelling on and making public big thought questions when you aren't in any sort of headspace which makes perspective possible to begin with. For someone who claims to be so spiritually aware and connected, you really don't listen to anything they try and tell you. The moral high ground goes for the kill..............I salute the fundamentalists. And this forum has never been about winning a public opinion poll at least not for me.

Maya2001 -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 8:57:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx quote: ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam Either way, you're going to have to work through the unworthy part before any other decision. Master Fire This is undoubtedly true. And what d'you know.......as soon as I think I get the thang fixed whoops up pops a tiny tiny l'il bit of unworthiness and flips the entire picture on its head. As for mono being the Holy Grail....it's hard to kick the habitas it was so ingrained in the dark ages of my childhood. It was reflected everywhere in everything: stories, radio, (all that listen with mother crap), and in Church, and hell, worse, in all the other girls' attitudes at the oh so nice all girls' school i went to. It's the Holy Grail for the majority isn't it? Are you trying to fight who you are naturally and viewing poly as the ultimate in submission, and trying to force yourself into that role??? One Doms advice to me was to remain true to and accept what/who I am ..do not try to fit into anothers ideals of what I should be... ...because it will only bring hurt and failure in the end..

LadyPhoenixRisen -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 9:05:23 AM)
I haven't read all of the posts, so please forgive me if I repeat. I don't think the question is whether you deserve it, I think the question is "Do I want it?". I have went back and forth on this myself, though not for the same reasons. I don't know whether I like being monogamous. I love my husband, yet I can seperate sex from that. I can go and just have a piece of ass and be fully satisfied and it won't affect anything I feel or do with him. I also have this other part of myself that thinks it is wrong to even want, I made a commitment and I should live in that way. We have talked about this, I don't do anything behind anyones back. He knows I am fine with him doing the same thing also. I suppose we will see where things take us, neither one of us expecting to actually do it, or not do it. I have a time coming up this week where an old friend is going to be very close to me. He wanted me to come there so we could basically fuck for hours...I am deciding what to do about it and wondering if we can meet and not do anything either. Either way, life gives us all choices and we need to (in my opinion) realize if we cheat, we may not give a crap ourselves, but we need to wonder how our other would feel if they knew. You can always hope they won't find out, but....we all know you can wish in one hand and shit in another...life has a way of taking care of things on it's own.

LotusSong -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 9:54:48 AM)
Prinsexx, I have seen the heartbreaks you have had in your previous posts. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved for who you are, not what you will put up with. You should not settle for less.

TysGalilah -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 10:05:59 AM)
Prin, reading your posted question makes me think of my first bdsm relationship.....no cross off relationship and fill in > experience. I met a man who called himself a Dom, but really only wanted to be a Top to a bottom.. he wanted a submissive for sure, but he didn't want the responsibilities or commitment that went along with having a sub. calling himself a dom to get what he wanted ( not necessarily what he could be responsible for) didnt make it so. He called himself poly, but in reality couldn't commit to anything in his life, most of all not an intimate relationship. "poly" he used the term thinking that because it meant "more than 1" it gave him justification not to be commited and not to invest himself in anything singularly. polyamorous in a loving relationship with more than 1 person. the key to that is that there is still love.. ..still a commitment IN a relationship.... And all that loving, being loved and commitment entail. I have never been in a poly-relationship. I admire those who know it is right for them and make it work successfully for all involved. I might be wrong but...it doesn't seem like an "easy" choice or easy way to go. Takes a tremendous amt of maturity and commitment from all involved. Each knowing exactly what they bring to the mix in a self-less manner. and if one cannot do that in a singular relationship, their chances of doing it in a poly-situation is unrealisitic. You have so many unanswered questions for yourself...and about yourself. It just seems that you search for a term to define yourself before you even know how you feel about yourself and what YOU feel you want to feel. If we look to others to help us define who we are > we are destined to become something we probably won't recognize in the mirror in the morning. and generally speaking..if our lives are in a constant state of struggle, it probably means we are pulling or pushing something. There is no struggle if we release our grip.... Cyndi

LeatherBentOne -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 1:20:46 PM)
Have you thought that perhaps your problem is low self-esteem? If you have and think that it might be, you might want to take a look into that first before you make any decision. Id hope we all can direct our lives from of place of feeling good about ourselves and what we have to offer a partner, rather than coming from a place of feeling "less than." I wish you the best in finding out what is right for you because you deserve to be happy, wanted and fulfilled, just because you "are." [;)]

DesFIP -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 1:25:03 PM)
It isn't a question of deserving. If this is what you need, then it's what you need. It would be a lot worse, imo, if you went into a poly disliking but believing you didn't have any right to get your needs met so had to settle for something you knew ahead of time wouldn't work for you. It comes down to you needing to work on your skills in screening people who are good people, mature, honest, moral, etc not just for how much chemistry there is.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 2:51:20 PM)
quote: And this forum has never been about winning a public opinion poll at least not for me. Not when drama is just SO satisfying and learning and growing is just such a total drag.

Prinsexx -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 3:18:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TysGalilah You have so many unanswered questions for yourself...and about yourself. It just seems that you search for a term to define yourself before you even know how you feel about yourself and what YOU feel you want to feel Cyndi I have read your other points and can see the truth in each of them. And you know me.....this is thinking out loud really. I am not looking for approval from others to give myself permission through that approval of howto feel. I am in transition for sure and I recognise it and although it's uncomfortable it's bearable. I will be through the transition and into another comfort zone at the right time, however long it takes. I agree with what you said most profoundly about poly being more complex than mono IF one cannot get mono right....in one sense that would be so if one were absolutely certain one were mono. I do agree that poly presents a great deal of responsibility though because it is a responsibility to more than one person. Thus far although it sounds a simple step to some it's a new step for me in a way. If I am not prepared to accept deceit from another I sure had better get my own house in order. Thanks yet again.

Prinsexx -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 3:26:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LeatherBentOne Have you thought that perhaps your problem is low self-esteem? If you have and think that it might be, you might want to take a look into that first before you make any decision. Id hope we all can direct our lives from of place of feeling good about ourselves and what we have to offer a partner, rather than coming from a place of feeling "less than." I wish you the best in finding out what is right for you because you deserve to be happy, wanted and fulfilled, just because you "are." [;)] Again: they weren't questions I needed direct answers to as such or indeed approval. Just interested in airing a state of mind, a state of transition, a state of learning. Often I think I am arrogant rather than having low self esteem. There's certainly no-one else I would rather be and no-one else I would rather be like other than who I am and I have never felt happier with who I am than who I am right now. A cross roads really and at a point where i want to get it right, get what I want and combining that with being so deeply submissive is not easily resolved for me at this moment.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 4:15:33 PM)
Perhaps we could all just pitch in and buy a giant mirror?

Prinsexx -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 4:23:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael quote: And this forum has never been about winning a public opinion poll at least not for me. Not when drama is just SO satisfying and learning and growing is just such a total drag. You're very welcome Michael and I will not turn you away but surely with things running so smoothly for you, you have better things to do at home, but you keep turning up with a rind-side ticket. Glad to be keeping you so well entertained. yes and please do bring a mirror and then you can sit and watch yourself instead of me. [;)]

WinsomeDefiance -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 4:26:51 PM)
........2. I justified me straying on the basis of the evidence that he had been unfaithful. My question is: have you ever felt like this? No. I've never been unfaithful. My ethics are not dictated by another's actions. 3. 'Part' of me has always retained the right to cheat and never have to justify it within a vanilla relationship. The fact that I was lying never occurred to me. My question is have you ever felt like this? Hell no. I consider cheating to be the arbitrary castration of my own ethics. I like my ethics where they are thank you very much.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 4:31:10 PM)
quote: but you keep turning up with a rind-side ticket. Glad to be keeping you so well entertained Uh, you hijack ever thread you enter into a "ME ME ME" fest and I was hoping that a big enough mirror might keep you entertained plus one day you might actually SEE yourself in it and grow up.

peppermint -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 4:31:50 PM)
Prinsexx, You deserve to take the time you need to figure out what you want in the long run. No one, especially strangers on a message board, can help you with what you need to do. Start to think and figure out who and what you are and need. You might be pleasantly surprised with the results.

Prinsexx -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 4:33:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam Two things: You are setting up being monogamous as the Holy Grail, meaning it is the unattainable ideal...because you are not worthy. You are equating poly with cheating. If you feel this way about ehtically done poly, you're not poly and can stop worrying about this part and go back to the unworthy part. Either way, you're going to have to work through the unworthy part before any other decision. Master Fire (Re-iterating the thing about the guides....where the heck are they when there's two roads to take and neither of them seem to be leading anywhere?) That's what a stuck point fels like: two routes, et voila! stuckness. One route saying mono (this has an end in sight but yes, the sign says Holy Grail and the other route saying; poly...allowed to cheat. Both signs are bollox disgusied to disguise the right road. I guess I'm on my own then, no guide in sight, and as usual, just like everyone else, am on the path just seeing where it leads. The wonder is why I ever relied on anyone to walk it with me.

peppermint -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 4:38:43 PM)
To answer your questions... 1. No, i am not used when he cheats....in fact just the opposite happens. The emotion i am more likely to experience is hurt. 2. No, i do not base my morals on what another's morals might be. 3. No, but then i've never cheated in a relationship whether vanilla or a different flavor. The reason i have never done so is based on the answer to question 2....my own personal morals. 4. You should be mono or poly based on your own personal needs, wants, and desires just as i made my own choice based on my own needs, wants, and desires.

ProtagonistLily -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 4:38:51 PM)
quote: The wonder is why I ever relied on anyone to walk it with me. I'll second that. PL

WinsomeDefiance -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 4:42:05 PM)
I haven't read all of the replies, and this might have been covered - if so,it bears repeating. People have been in poly relationships and cheated. Whether a person enters into a poly or a mono relationship, it isn't the relationship that dictates the dynamic, but rather the commitment, dedication, integrity and ethics of those participating in the relationship that guides the dynamic. I don't think you'll find answers in any escape clauses, because the error isn't IN the contract. It is in the individual(s) failing to honor the contract.

Prinsexx -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (6/1/2008 5:02:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael quote: but you keep turning up with a rind-side ticket. Glad to be keeping you so well entertained Uh, you hijack ever thread you enter into a "ME ME ME" fest and I was hoping that a big enough mirror might keep you entertained plus one day you might actually SEE yourself in it and grow up. I'm not entering into a dabate with you Michael as you are simply throwing a hissy fit at the moment. I am as clever as you are at reflecting back. If you want to discuss what buttons within you my posts seem to press then do so by PM, please.

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