handling disappointment (Full Version)

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tinkerbelle3 -> handling disappointment (6/2/2008 7:08:12 PM)

I am in a 24/7 D/s relationship with the love of my life, in my mind there is nothing that I wouldn't do to please him.

At the moment however, I'm conflicted. One of his preferences is that I wear make-up.... and LOTS of it. Compared to some of the things I've done at his request, (he's a wonderfully creative perv) this seems to trivial. I'm almost 50 years old and have never been much of a make up wearer. A bit of powder, some mascara and a dash of lip stick and I was off. These past two years I've been trying really hard to please him. I've been to sephora numerous times to get assistance with how exactly to put this stuff on, I've tried different colors, I've talked with girlfriends about how they apply make up etc etc

I've learned how to apply it somewhat, but the issue is that I feel so clownish wearing it. We've had a number of long discussions about this and are working together through some pretty sensitive core issues. So either I won't be able to wear the make up that he desires on his girl, or I will somehow overcome this phobia I seem to have or we'll meet somewhere in the middle. I have faith that this will work itself out.

My question to the group is dealing with disappointing him. He often tells me that I am my own worst critic and I'm much harder on myself then he is. He tells me that if I'm doing the very best I can, then how could he possibly be disappointed? At the same token though, prior to me freaking out about make up, he used to get all excited about how I would look etc etc. Even though he says he's not disappointed, I feel like I should have been able to comply with this wish.

How do others deal with disappointing the one they love most? Thank you. -tinkerbelle



ownedgirlie -> RE: handling disappointment (6/2/2008 7:41:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: tinkerbelle3

How do others deal with disappointing the one they love most? Thank you. -tinkerbelle


I figure out what my issues are/were around the issues I didn't succeed in, talk to him at great length about it, pick myself up and try again.

Edited because I accidentally posted before I was finished:

Often times my failure is a result of an internal hurdle or wall I need to bust through, and often times I need his help to do it.  If I am struggling greatly, I ask for his help.  I also ask the advice of trusted friends on how to comply to things that make me uncomfortable. Ultimately his pleasure is my priority, and if I focus on that, then my focus is turned away from myself and my own ego, and I'm less apt to struggle so much.

Changing your appearance can be especially difficult, since you feel you are looking at a stranger whenever you look in the mirror.  Perhaps you can do some exercises in which you apply all the make up he wants you to wear, stand in the mirror each day for 10-15 minutes looking at yourself, and then journaling the thoughts you had while standing there.  This may help you (a) adjust to your new look; and (b) understand some of the barriers you are struggling with.

I do wish you well with this.  I imagine it must be difficult.



tinkerbelle3 -> RE: handling disappointment (6/2/2008 7:54:37 PM)

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply ownedgirlie. I like your suggestion of looking in the mirror a few minutes then reflecting on my feelings. Thanks again for your support.




subdevra -> RE: handling disappointment (6/2/2008 8:02:17 PM)

we do tend to be our own worse critics which is what makes us try all that much harder to please.  i am always so afraid of disappointing Him of failing Him.  i find that He is much more intense than previous Doms that i have been with.  i am so afraid that i will not be able to tolerate all that He wishes/needs me to.  and yet i do the best that i can and although i feel that i am begging Him to stop way before he is ready to, He gets me through it and tells me how proud He is of me.

now on the subject of makeup -- being almost 50 myself and not much of a makeup wearer i know where you are at.  the biggest problem is that most of these guys do not understand that as we get older we tend to feel foolish (clownish) when asked to dress or makeup as a girl in their 20's.  to them there is no difference.  we are still their "little one" their "baby" that they are protective of.  not to mention that if we are feeling our age, they are also getting older :).  in public we all need to be comfortable with what we wear, makeup, etc to be and function at our best.   maybe you can compromise and go heavy on the makeup when you are just the two of you.

i remember when i was a kid and mini skirts first came into fashion. i asked my mother why she did not wear the short skirts that were in style.  and she told me that at her age she was allowed to wear what she wanted and did not have to slave to fashion if it did not suit her.  men tend not to "get" this idea.

i wish you luck finding a solution that works for both of you



Willowmoon -> RE: handling disappointment (6/2/2008 8:22:45 PM)

Does he realise that heavy makeup will cause you skin issues that will then mean you have to apply even heavier makeup to cover those issues?
Does he realise that heavy makeup every day is not healthy for your skin?

Hmmm when you say heavy make up can you give us an example of what he wants you to wear makeup wise.

Have you tried mineral makeup its good for your skin, doesn't feel heavy at all and looks great. Have a look http://www.everydayminerals.com/



ownedgirlie -> RE: handling disappointment (6/2/2008 8:45:13 PM)

There are "healthier" types of make up, like Willowmoon mentioned.  Others are:

Bare Minerals
Aveda
Garden Botanika

Washing it off every night and applying a light moisturizer will help.  I'm a fan of Aveda products - cleansers, make up, facials, shampoos - and, for one who tends to have skin sensitivities, I haven't had any issues at all with it.



AquaticSub -> RE: handling disappointment (6/2/2008 9:47:08 PM)

*Fast Reply*

Watch your skin after using mineral make-up. Depending on your particular skin type, it's actually worse for you. You can always head to a determalogist to find out what is best for you.

As I've transitioned into wearing more make-up, I've found it helpful in invest in quality products. I really like Guerlain, which you can get at Sephora. You might also want to take baby steps. Instead of putting everything on at once, you could start wearing foundation and concealer on a regular basis, add nude shadow and some nuetral lipstick later. Slowly build up to the look he wants while giving yourself time to get to know this new you.

If it just doesn't work out, try to find happy compromises (which is what I try to do when I have to let Valyraen down). Perhaps instead of wearing make-up you could take much better care of your skin. Get facials, drink plenty of water, etc. I hope this was of some help - you've already gotten some great advice.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: handling disappointment (6/2/2008 9:49:17 PM)

I'd say you take him at his word and action- you aren't disappointing him.  It's your own standard and own control that you are getting upset over, not his.  I understand your feelings but try to recognize them for the sillyness that they are and move beyond them.  You are happy, you're working through this just fine.  And even if you weren't, it's not a case of "you're disappointing me" but "our values are disparate"

Don't put yourself down just because you happen to be who you are.



cantilena -> RE: handling disappointment (6/3/2008 8:02:28 AM)

tinkerbelle3~

I so get where you're coming from in terms of the make up thing.  I'm not big on the stuff myself, although I do tend to wear more than you described.

Not a lot of colours look good on my features; the stuff can easily be overapplied so that I look more like a chick wearing a ton of makeup rather than a ton of makeup enhancing a chick.  You know what I mean?  A lot of girls look great with it, but some do not.

Here's my advice, FWIW... Invest.  And I do mean invest.  Go to the best make up artist you can afford.  Do some research about who is tops in your neck of the woods, and then save up if necessary and make an appointment.  Sephora is about selling you product, not necessarily about make up artistry and know-how. 

I happened to get my face done in Vegas last year by a top notch professional, and I'm here to tell you I never looked better than what she did with make-up.  It can be done... but it may require going to someone who *really* knows what they're doing.  Then practise... practise... practise.

Best wishes.



WalterRego -> RE: handling disappointment (6/3/2008 8:22:53 AM)

I have been going through a similar quandary on the male side. Mistress a while ago suggested that She'd like to see me wear an earring. Now, I've never cared for them on men to begin with. But I'm almost 60. Earrings  may look okay on young men or may be fiine for a man who started wearing one 20 years ago and it has become part of his persona. But at my age (and profession) I think  now getting an earring would  look ludicrous, and as if I were trying to look or be something I'm not, amongst other things. (Add to this a running battle I had for a number of years with my now 18 year old son who wanted an earring. He got one several years ago and now even he has stopped wearing it). 

Now, I know she didn't and doesn't see me wearing an earring in the ways I do. She probably thought or thinks it would look good. I'm not sure whether she also wanted it as a form of submission, but I do want to please her anyway, as I do in all ways.

It's just such a jarring alteration of who I see myself as. And so I am torn within myself. Wanting it for Her, cringing in myself for how I think I will feel about it. On the other hand even if it is an alteration of who I see myself as....so is my submission to Her. A wonderful alteration and re-invention. One that gives me pleasure,delight and growth. So, another layer of inner conflict.

I wonder too, are there different criteria to decide this question. One set of criteria if the Dominant  just likes it or wants it for appearance (and then the question is do I please him/her) or another set of criteria if the Dominant wants it as a token of submission?



tinkerbelle3 -> RE: handling disappointment (6/3/2008 8:42:51 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Willowmoon


Hmmm when you say heavy make up can you give us an example of what he wants you to wear makeup wise.

http://www.everydayminerals.com/


He'd like me to wear eye liner, eye shadow up to the brow, brow pencil to arch the eyebrows, lip liner and lip stick, contoured blush on my cheeks, foundation etc etc etc UGH!



tinkerbelle3 -> RE: handling disappointment (6/3/2008 8:46:49 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I'd say you take him at his word and action- you aren't disappointing him.  It's your own standard and own control that you are getting upset over, not his.  I understand your feelings but try to recognize them for the sillyness that they are and move beyond them.  You are happy, you're working through this just fine.  And even if you weren't, it's not a case of "you're disappointing me" but "our values are disparate"

Don't put yourself down just because you happen to be who you are.


Thank you for this reply, it's one of those things that's simple but not easy : )



tinkerbelle3 -> RE: handling disappointment (6/3/2008 8:48:38 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: cantilena

tinkerbelle3~

Here's my advice, FWIW... Invest.  And I do mean invest.  Go to the best make up artist you can afford.  Do some research about who is tops in your neck of the woods, and then save up if necessary and make an appointment.  Sephora is about selling you product, not necessarily about make up artistry and know-how. 


Best wishes.


Excellent suggestion - thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences



tinkerbelle3 -> RE: handling disappointment (6/3/2008 8:50:08 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: WalterRego

I have been going through a similar quandary on the male side. Mistress a while ago suggested that She'd like to see me wear an earring. Now, I've never cared for them on men to begin with. But I'm almost 60. Earrings  may look okay on young men or may be fiine for a man who started wearing one 20 years ago and it has become part of his persona. But at my age (and profession) I think  now getting an earring would  look ludicrous, and as if I were trying to look or be something I'm not, amongst other things. (Add to this a running battle I had for a number of years with my now 18 year old son who wanted an earring. He got one several years ago and now even he has stopped wearing it). 

Now, I know she didn't and doesn't see me wearing an earring in the ways I do. She probably thought or thinks it would look good. I'm not sure whether she also wanted it as a form of submission, but I do want to please her anyway, as I do in all ways.

It's just such a jarring alteration of who I see myself as. And so I am torn within myself. Wanting it for Her, cringing in myself for how I think I will feel about it. On the other hand even if it is an alteration of who I see myself as....so is my submission to Her. A wonderful alteration and re-invention. One that gives me pleasure,delight and growth. So, another layer of inner conflict.

I wonder too, are there different criteria to decide this question. One set of criteria if the Dominant  just likes it or wants it for appearance (and then the question is do I please him/her) or another set of criteria if the Dominant wants it as a token of submission?



Seems like we are having similar internal struggles <smile> Good thoughts to ponder, thank you



tinkerbelle3 -> RE: handling disappointment (6/3/2008 8:51:50 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

*Fast Reply*

Watch your skin after using mineral make-up. Depending on your particular skin type, it's actually worse for you. You can always head to a determalogist to find out what is best for you.

As I've transitioned into wearing more make-up, I've found it helpful in invest in quality products. I really like Guerlain, which you can get at Sephora. You might also want to take baby steps. Instead of putting everything on at once, you could start wearing foundation and concealer on a regular basis, add nude shadow and some nuetral lipstick later. Slowly build up to the look he wants while giving yourself time to get to know this new you.

If it just doesn't work out, try to find happy compromises (which is what I try to do when I have to let Valyraen down). Perhaps instead of wearing make-up you could take much better care of your skin. Get facials, drink plenty of water, etc. I hope this was of some help - you've already gotten some great advice.


Baby steps is always good! thanks for the suggestion. BTW, I do take very good care of my skin which is why make up has never been a big thing for me. People look at me and think I'm 10 years younger than I am : )



tinkerbelle3 -> RE: handling disappointment (6/3/2008 8:54:54 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: subdevra

we do tend to be our own worse critics which is what makes us try all that much harder to please.  i am always so afraid of disappointing Him of failing Him.  i find that He is much more intense than previous Doms that i have been with.  i am so afraid that i will not be able to tolerate all that He wishes/needs me to.  and yet i do the best that i can and although i feel that i am begging Him to stop way before he is ready to, He gets me through it and tells me how proud He is of me.

***

My feelings aren't fear or being afraid that I'll disappoint him, in fact I find that if I do the best I can he's typically delighted! This is something that I've struggled with for 2 years trying to please him. I appreciate you sharing your experiences.



Madame4a -> RE: handling disappointment (6/3/2008 9:42:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: tinkerbelle3


quote:

ORIGINAL: Willowmoon


Hmmm when you say heavy make up can you give us an example of what he wants you to wear makeup wise.

http://www.everydayminerals.com/


He'd like me to wear eye liner, eye shadow up to the brow, brow pencil to arch the eyebrows, lip liner and lip stick, contoured blush on my cheeks, foundation etc etc etc UGH!


wow, that sounds like a lot of makeup, at any age!

I've always thought makeup should be worn to enhance your looks and not be something that someone looks at you and says "you have makeup on!"

How about taking him with you to a large high end department store and having the Mac or insert  your preference here artist make you up.. take a before picture.. and see if he isn't happier with better application of makeup?  The important part is him seeing the difference




Lynnxz -> RE: handling disappointment (6/3/2008 9:45:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: tinkerbelle3


quote:

ORIGINAL: Willowmoon


Hmmm when you say heavy make up can you give us an example of what he wants you to wear makeup wise.

http://www.everydayminerals.com/


He'd like me to wear eye liner, eye shadow up to the brow, brow pencil to arch the eyebrows, lip liner and lip stick, contoured blush on my cheeks, foundation etc etc etc UGH!


Every day?? I can see why you are balking at this... it's a lot of time and money better spent elsewhere. If it were me, I'd tell him to make me up exactly how he wanted... every day.



KatyLied -> RE: handling disappointment (6/3/2008 10:10:36 AM)

I don't think there's a guy I would be willing to wear that much product for.



OmegaG -> RE: handling disappointment (6/3/2008 10:23:16 AM)

it's actually a standard make-up routine for many women.

What I'm wondering about is his idea of the eye shadow from lash to brow-- I hope he's thinking of the three shade color combinations where the ridge is a pale shade (which gives the eye lift and brightness) rather then one solid color which will make her look not quite so complimentary.

(oh, and I worked as a makeup consultant for a while years ago).

Eye brow shaping and shading will frame the eyes and make them pop.  Mascarra and eye-liner will define the eyes and give them a sultry bed-room eye look or an open, more awake look depending on how smoky you make them.  (a touch of white eye-liner in the inner corner will aslo make them seem more alive)

Blush gives a healthy invigorated look

Foundation makes skin appear flawless and smooth

Lip liner frames the lips (should be the same shade as the lipstick) and gives the lipstick a stopping point and lipstick tends to give a woman a defined mouth and finished look.

One thing to avoid is both heavy/dark colors on both the eye and the lips, if you choose smokey eyes, go pale on the lips, if you choose dark lips, go fresher on the eyes-- doing both will give an overdone look.

Edited because I can't spell.



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