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first time sex - 6/4/2008 10:05:36 AM   
redd4Dom


Posts: 10
Joined: 5/23/2008
Status: offline 		im not sure what my excate question is but this is what has happened to 2 of my friends one male the other female.
Both of their 1st sexual encounters happened in a D/s that they were not aware of before it happened--both of the D were crule, and warped them to the point that neither can have any form of vanillia sex. both are embarressed about it.

is it just me or is this very exstream?

to me no one's 1st sexual encounter should mar them so much.

i realize that this happened back in the late '70's early 80's when no one really had internet and finding others with simmuarl tasted was hard to do ---especially in such a small town/area that we live in

shouldn't a person's 1st time be pleasent for them? then if they want to try something else they are free to do so? why warp them so?

why were the D's so crule as to permenemently and forever turn them into slaves/subs

sorry about the spelling the spell check is not working on my pc



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RE: first time sex - 6/4/2008 10:15:37 AM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline 		"A boy's first time should be in the back of a buggy, with a girl he thinks he's in love with." Colleen Dewhurst in The Cowboys

Yes, the first time SHOULD be special.....but quite often it isn't. If these persons first sexual experience was so traumatic as to make all sexual activity impossible, urge them to get counseling and therapy. I'll stop short of calling their experience "rape", but an experience that unpleasant should be dealt with professionally.

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RE: first time sex - 6/4/2008 10:18:10 AM   
servantheart


Posts: 960
Joined: 10/26/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		Did either of them tell the Doms to stop?  If the answer is yes and they didn't stop, it's called rape.  Regardless, it sounds like both are in need of serious psychological help. 



Edited for spelling

< Message edited by servantheart -- 6/4/2008 10:19:06 AM >

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RE: first time sex - 6/4/2008 10:23:19 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		What is wrong with being submissive/slave permanently?

Whose opinion is it that the dominants were cruel, have warped them, marred them... is it your opinon or theirs?

What is wrong with not wanting to have vanilla sex?  What do they/you consider to be vanilla sex?

I am not sure I understand what the issue is other than the derrogatory terms you have used to describe someone who is submissive or slave...

Knight's Kyra



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RE: first time sex - 6/4/2008 10:51:21 AM   
Darkhaven80


Posts: 76
Joined: 3/12/2007
Status: offline 		I may be wrong, but to me the first time should be just about the sex and sweetness. 

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RE: first time sex - 6/4/2008 10:54:21 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		for you perhaps.. not for all...

mine was hot and sweaty and rough and up against a wall...

 whoo...

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RE: first time sex - 6/4/2008 10:55:34 AM   
abcbsex


Posts: 478
Joined: 3/29/2008
Status: offline 		hm. My first time was unpleasant, with an older man who twisted me and marred my sensuality for quite some time, and that was in a vanilla setting! It's unfortunate for the girls who went through it, but they will live. They should definitely look for a D willing to be sweet in bed with them until they are no longer ashamed of what happened.

and if at any time they asked the men to stop and they didn't, it's considered rape. Either way they should get counseling.

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I was trained at MasterLordDarkness' Center for Subs Who Don't Serve Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too.....

but it needed to be at least.... four times bigger.


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RE: first time sex - 6/4/2008 11:01:47 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:


why were the D's so crule as to permenemently and forever turn them into slaves/subs


This will not be the most well-received statement you've ever made.

Many can do the s-type thing without feeling it's cruel or warped.


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RE: first time sex - 6/4/2008 11:02:38 AM   
SirKaton


Posts: 104
Joined: 3/31/2008
Status: offline 		There is much more to this story than a single (I am assuming) consensual instance the first time out of the box. 

I do agree that while the first experience SHOULD be good for both partners, many times it is not.  My GF at the time and I were one of the lucky ones-we remained lovers from our 1st time at 11/12 until we were well into adulthood (but that is a different story).

If your friends are that embarassed by whatever happened that it has stimied their sexual development this far into adulthood, then they should seek PROFESSIONAL counseling about it. 

I tend to think, based-on what was shared, that their embarassment may stem from simply not understanding it is okay to want, desire and even NEED this intensely non-vanilla sex (I assume again, they have been having since the 70's and 80's-you never said they were nOT having sex, just unable to have "vanilla" sex).

< Message edited by SirKaton -- 6/4/2008 11:07:23 AM >

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RE: first time sex - 6/4/2008 11:02:44 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

What is wrong with being submissive/slave permanently?

Whose opinion is it that the dominants were cruel, have warped them, marred them... is it your opinon or theirs?

What is wrong with not wanting to have vanilla sex?  What do they/you consider to be vanilla sex?

I am not sure I understand what the issue is other than the derrogatory terms you have used to describe someone who is submissive or slave...

Knight's Kyra




Ditto. While I enjoy love-making and candles, it just doesn't happen nearly as a frequently as our twisted, humiliating, bruising, and throughly exciting sex because we both prefer it that way. I'm personally betting that the two women weren't warped - they are simply submissives/slaves by nature and haven't realized that it isn't a shameful thing, that they can be incredibly strong women while enjoying the things that actually turn them on. I don't the OP is helping either.

It's also possible that these women happen to be submissive and were raped - in which case they need to learn that a submissive can say no and call the cops.

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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

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RE: first time sex - 6/4/2008 11:05:40 AM   
abcbsex


Posts: 478
Joined: 3/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:


why were the D's so crule as to permenemently and forever turn them into slaves/subs


This will not be the most well-received statement you've ever made.

Many can do the s-type thing without feeling it's cruel or warped.



It depends on their mind-set. If they're slaves/subs because they've been made to believe they don't deserve any better, they've been made to feel ashamed and they should only expect to serve someone without anything in return, I'd say that's cruel and warped. But if they came to that decision from a place of empowerment and found that being a slave/sub is how they thrive, then it's definitely not.

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I was trained at MasterLordDarkness' Center for Subs Who Don't Serve Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too.....

but it needed to be at least.... four times bigger.


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RE: first time sex - 6/4/2008 11:17:35 AM   
OmegaG


Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darkhaven80

I may be wrong, but to me the first time should be just about the sex and sweetness. 


my first time was curiosity with a neighbor boy.  He was so tentative I was a virgin until my second time.

But to the OP-- I'm trying to figure this out-- there expereinces were so bad that they can't have anything but duplicates of this bad expereince?

_____________________________


Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

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RE: first time sex - 6/4/2008 11:18:32 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Whilst what you say may be the truth it may also the way you persieved what happened to them. Un;less you were were present or they have spoken to you severfal times about it and you actually listened without any preconcieved ideas, I take your story with a grain of salt.
  1. Who are you to judge is they were made sud/s;aves for life?
  2. What is the basis of your understanding?
  3. Do you have years of experience in the BDSM lifestyle?
  4. Do you have any professional training, or qualifications in Psychology?
Iron Bear
Master of Bruin Cottage
(A Victorian Lifestyle poly home)

"I judge a Man by what I see him do and not by what others tell me he does." (Captain Sir Edward Pellew of the HMS Indefatigable to Midshipman Hornblower ~ C.S. Forrester)



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RE: first time sex - 6/4/2008 1:06:00 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		My first consensual sexual encounter was with my hands restrained above my head by his hands, trying to scurry away by moving up the bed until my head hit the headboard. 
I have had nilla sex, and bdsm sex since then, and I like it either way.
I like sex.
My first time was not so pleasant, but neither was many other females, or so they tell me.
Anyway you look at it, something gets torn and that is painful.
If they cannot experience so called normal nilla sex than perhaps they haven't had many opportunities.
Sex is too good to take a pass on it because someone isn't feeling used.
Kyst

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RE: first time sex - 6/4/2008 1:10:39 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		My first time sucked. It was in a Pontiac parked in his parents driveway. Nothing about it was pleasant at all. Especially the following pregnancy.

My first time with a woman.........totally, mindblowingly, AWSOME.

Based upon the OP's thought process I should only like crappy sex, with a guy, in Pontiacs.




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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: first time sex - 6/4/2008 3:21:54 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: redd4Dom
both of the D were crule, and warped them to the point that neither can have any form of vanillia sex. both are embarressed about it.

why were the D's so crule as to permenemently and forever turn them into slaves/subs


It doesn't seem like you understand what a submissive is OR what a slave is, or even what a Dominant is.  D/s orientation has nothing to do with cruel or "warped" sexual experiences.  Perhaps you are trying to say that their experiences have turned them into people who cannot enjoy sex unless it is kinky sex.  If that is the case, and it is disturbing their happiness or their lives (the criteria for seeking counseling is disruption to your life), then they should get therapy.

Cali


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RE: first time sex - 6/4/2008 3:27:38 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: redd4Dom

im not sure what my excate question is but this is what has happened to 2 of my friends one male the other female.
Both of their 1st sexual encounters happened in a D/s that they were not aware of before it happened--both of the D were crule, and warped them to the point that neither can have any form of vanillia sex. both are embarressed about it.



This situation you share can be seen from a completely different perspective.

for example....
"... this is what has happened to a couple of my friends, one male and the other female.  Both of their 1st sexual encounters involved elements of BDSM and D/s and they where not even aware of these labels at the time.  The partners at the time were intense and passionate in their respective encounters and now my two friends find ordinary sex to be boring and unfulling to the point they are embarassed to say that they don't want sex in that manner."

I have to wonder if your own prejudices is colouring the situation you are sharing.

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: first time sex - 6/4/2008 3:31:24 PM   
HeavansKeeper


Posts: 1254
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Madame4a

for you perhaps.. not for all...

mine was hot and sweaty and rough and up against a wall...

 whoo...


And mine was in my grandfather's bed (WHILE THEY WERE OUT OF TOWN, everyone relax) and was quite short.    I've gotten better >.O

The point is, the first time matters and doesn't.  I can't tell you how I despise when some women go on about how they want their first time to be on the beach, after Fabio rides with them on a white horse blarblarblar and after they're not virgins getting nailed with your face slamming against a a dumpster is a nice night out. .... Kinda hot....

I am reminded of tribes in the mountains of Brazil that have yet to see civilization.  They live in squaller, just like the poor of Brazil.  The difference, they don't know what they're missing.  Cave Men don't miss TV.

It's certainly not wrong to spoil people with what might be better for them at first.  This is completely hinged on facts we don't have.  If this man and women, respectfully, enjoyed being submissive, and realized that without this angle sex is just mutual masturbation, then I see nothing wrong.

If these people are victims of sexual assault and as a result have lost their feeling of self worth, hence "forcing them" into submissiveness, that's a problem.  Professional assistance and varieties of support can return someone from  that state, but its serious and can lead to depression or even suicide.

I wish we had more facts.


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... You've waited your whole life for this moment...

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RE: first time sex - 6/4/2008 3:39:07 PM   
redd4Dom


Posts: 10
Joined: 5/23/2008
Status: offline 		asking to stop - that i dont know about for one of them-- one did ask for it to stop--but yes both of them have been upset that they could not do vanilla --- it caused several good relationships to end for them

both have stated that they cant be anything else -- but not for lack of trying

in my mind it had to have been cruel to be that in-grained into them ---- could be wrong......and i dont mind admitting when i am nor apologizing either

yes i do have professional training, or qualifications in Psychology  -- i am currently working on my masters with emphasis on therapy for rape and molestation survivors


i think as long as it is the person's choice be a sub slave dom x-dresser what-ever its good -- but to be made to feel that there is no other choice then it's wrong-it was forced onto/into them---


my very 1st time was not consensual and i was far to young
but my 1st time that i chose to was not that pleasant -- though he did try his best to make it so
and yes i do like sex and often and greatly varied



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RE: first time sex - 6/4/2008 4:37:40 PM   
pinksugarsub


Posts: 1224
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: redd4Dom

im not sure what my excate question is but this is what has happened to 2 of my friends one male the other female.
Both of their 1st sexual encounters happened in a D/s that they were not aware of before it happened--both of the D were crule, and warped them to the point that neither can have any form of vanillia sex. both are embarressed about it.

is it just me or is this very exstream?

to me no one's 1st sexual encounter should mar them so much.

i realize that this happened back in the late '70's early 80's when no one really had internet and finding others with simmuarl tasted was hard to do ---especially in such a small town/area that we live in

shouldn't a person's 1st time be pleasent for them? then if they want to try something else they are free to do so? why warp them so?

why were the D's so crule as to permenemently and forever turn them into slaves/subs

sorry about the spelling the spell check is not working on my pc






Losing my 'nilla cherry was a sad part of my life, complete with terrible sex.  It's a wonder i ever had a 2nd lover.
 
Losing my D/s cherry wasn't much better.
 
In both cases i used poor judgment and allowed myself to feel coerced.  Silly me.
 
i dun think the past can actually control a P/person in the present in the sense that a "crude" Dom could "turn" a virgin into a slave for life.  But that's JMO.
 
i'm thinking about a "1st time" with a new lover/Dom....wondering how to make it a really good experience for both of U/us.  One question i have is timing; He is much more comfortable moving into physical intimacy almost immediately than i am.  This bears thinking about, i know.
 
pinksugarsub 

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