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When do you know your ready? - 6/6/2008 9:35:43 AM

SweetNika

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From: Forest Hills, Maryland
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This is something I posted in my journal and something I am posting here because I would honestly like imput from others. I am sure the answers will vary, because we all grow and heal differently.

When do you know your ready to move on after a long term relationship?

Is it when a certain amount of time has passed,or when the other person has move on themselves? Is it when you no longer cry at the very thought of what you have lost? Is it when you are no longer reminded of them by life, by others, by a simple scent or tone? How does one know, truly know they are prepared, ready mentally, physically, and emotionally to move on?

Is it when you stop loving the other person? Or when they stop loving you? Is it when you stop aching for their touch? Is it when you stop seeing them in your dreams? When do you know? How can you know for sure?

I don't have the answer to these questions... I don't even venture to guess but these are questions that plague me.

Blessed be,
Nika

< Message edited by SweetNika -- 6/6/2008 9:38:06 AM >

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Nika

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RE: When do you know your ready? - 6/6/2008 9:57:44 AM

califsue

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that is a tough question and it will be interesting to see the responses.

For me, it took a solid two years and I had to get over the pain, anger and a whole range of other emotions. After 2 years,I began looking but wasn't ready mentally and emotionally. After 3 years I was ready to play but not looking for any relationship. Based on my past life experiences I find it a challenge to open up and be vunerabule but Master is and has been very patient waiting for me to step it up with him. We met in 2006 and I knew at that time he wanted more but he has patiently waited and I am finally starting to open up. I have not felt as loved/safe/cared for as I do with him.

(in reply to SweetNika)

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RE: When do you know your ready? - 6/6/2008 10:01:00 AM

Mercnbeth

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quote:

When do you know your ready to move on after a long term relationship?

Ideally - before the long term relationship ends. Going into it, you should be confident and happy with yourself. During it, you advance from that entry and see in your partner's eyes a reflection and confirmation of your self worth. Should it end - you have the experience which provides a confident launching point for your pursuit of whatever you desire; stronger for the experience. You are better prepared for whatever occurs and know better when to compromise and when not to.

Ideally the long term relationship also provided some fun times and fantastic memories. At minimum it provides a reference to follow or avoid.

(in reply to SweetNika)

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RE: When do you know your ready? - 6/6/2008 10:06:33 AM

DominantJenny

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FR

You never know, really. I had a 2 year live-in relationship end, and a week later was asked out by someone who'd been a casual friend for a few months...and ended up married to him just over a year later. We just celebrated our 12th anniversary...and when he asked me out, I said it'd never work. Nice to be wrong that time. :)
Now, the first year or two of our relationship, there was a fair bit of me dealing with my issues (mostly being really pissed off at the guy) with the other relationship ending, and I did see a counselor briefly to help with that, but my partner handled it with patience and good humor for the most part.
I think sometimes it's worth taking a risk and other times you just know you aren't ready yet.

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RE: When do you know your ready? - 6/6/2008 10:10:05 AM

FRSguy

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I could never really understand why it is that people wait so long between forming long term relationships. I dont think the pain of a lost relationship really goes away sometimes for several years.... the memories and thoughts of the former person simply fade over time and are replaced by the thoughts and feelings of someone else. I think once you reach a point where you are no longer comparing everyone else to the person you were with and when you are no longer wondering what the other person is doing is good enough for the most part. I know that in the past when I have left someone that I had been sleeping with for years there was of course an emotional pain involved just a tiny bit the first time I have sex with someone else but in all honesty the thoughts of the other relationship fade very quickly once I am on to the excitement of someone new. There is this slight emotional pain that I can feel every now and then concerning woman in my past but it only lasts a few seconds and then is gone and it very rarely rears its ugly head. I dont think that has ever gone away. As far as how I think after a seperation, I actually try to equalise things and not feel burned so to speak no matter what occured durring the relationship. I dont try to harbor ill feelings for my x's and when meeting them or talking to them I am left with the feeling that these are people that know more about me that I may even know when it comes to certain things. Because of what they know I try to keep things on distance friendship type basis and in a couple of relationships I have even been able to use them as a sounding board. I think if you are asking the question you are ready to move on however I think you also have to be willing to have a realtionship otherwise your just using your emotional pain as an excuse to use people.

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RE: When do you know your ready? - 6/6/2008 10:11:15 AM

Dnomyar

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The first time it took me a year to mostly get over it. It has been years but there are still some risidual effects. Im probably more harden and skeptical now because of it. I have a shield(attitude) now. I like people up to a certain point. Will someone break thru that shield. I hope so.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 6

RE: When do you know your ready? - 6/6/2008 10:32:04 AM

azropedntied

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When do you know ? humm when you do not have to ask when to know , that is a simplistic answer but if your in mourning from a past relationship then you have not yet moved on , until you put it in the past and in the done and over out going mail box , then you can move ahead . best wishes .

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RE: When do you know your ready? - 6/6/2008 11:02:05 AM

persephonee

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General reply:
When my relationship with Denise ended i think i died inside. i tried to date a couple women during that first year, but i just couldnt do it. Once i literally ran out of a woman's house in the middle of...well i left abruptly at an inopportune time. My boss, who is a friend of mine, said she never saw a sadder girl.
i was then celibate for 4 years. The things that happened that first year out kinda scared me a bit, and i was too busy raising my son (conceived in my relationship with D) and off and on crying jags, punctuated by tearful phone conversations with my friends trying to analyze every last minute of my 7 year relationship, looking for the dreaded..."reason why".
When was i ready?
Am i ready now?
Alls i knows is this my friend, i can pretend the earth is not spinning madly away on its axis. i can imagine that time has stood still. Doesnt make it so.
Youll know youre ready when your first response to the other person doesnt involve your throat closing up and flop sweat.
Youll know youre ready when you just are ready.
Heres hoping its soon...all kinds of soft thoughts coming right for ya.
~p

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RE: When do you know your ready? - 6/6/2008 11:11:39 AM

darchChylde

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i've found that if i had waited till i was ready, i'd never have found love again. Twelve years and a few serious relationships, (including my current relationship which is moving quickly towards the two year mark) after the central relationship of my previous life; i still haven't entirely moved on and don't entirely feel that i'm ready

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RE: When do you know your ready? - 6/6/2008 11:14:42 AM

LadyPhoenixRisen

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I think that is personal and not really anyone can answer it for someone else. I went from a very long term relatioship into the one I am in now. I was over her, but I admit I still had a bit of healing I have done since. My hubby and I are celebrating our one year anniv., so I know it wasn't the wrong choice for me.

If I had it to do over, I might take a bit more time to do the healing first. Every once in a while I will hear or see something that reminds me of that time. I might get a tear in my eye, or a smile on my face, that is okay though. It's good to remember, and it doesn't hurt to think about it. That person and those moments in my life were important and helped to make me who I am now.

The only time I feel it's wrong is if it disrupts the one you are in, or trying to go in to. It would be best in that case to take a bit more time to heal and make sure you are ready to move on.

Phoenix

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(in reply to SweetNika)

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RE: When do you know your ready? - 6/6/2008 11:19:14 AM

gypsygrl

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From: new york state
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How do I know?

In the case of a relationship that ended badly, I know I've moved on when I find myself getting bored talking/thinking about the previous relationship. When that point of boredom is reached, I've done the processing and any reminder of them is more of an irritant, like a pesky fly that won't go away, than a painful memory that chokes me up, causes heartache and brings tears to my eyes, or makes me angry.

In the case of a good relationship, its when I can remember the good stuff without longing to recreate it. The happy parts are just 'there,' experiences I was glad to be able to have.

In either case, there's a feeling of resolution and acceptance and I can say, 'what's done is done.'

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RE: When do you know your ready? - 6/6/2008 11:58:14 AM

metalmiss

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From: Croydon, UK
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There is no right, wrong or simple answer to this question. It is different for all of us and for each relationship. For me moving on happens on several different levels, each in their own time. It relates alot to closure.

When you are ready to move on you will know. The trick is learning to let go.. The more you hold onto it, the more pain it will bring you. Easier said than done i know..

x

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RE: When do you know your ready? - 6/6/2008 12:13:49 PM

virgini970

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i don't even know how or what i would do we have been to gether 4 about 18 years and we just got married 3 years ago and he just this past year working nights i hate that it took me a long time befor i could even go to sleep and still have a hard time we don't even have sex any more and he is ok with me getting it from some where else i wish i knew how to help you out but i wish you the best of luck

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Post #: 13

RE: When do you know your ready? - 6/6/2008 12:15:18 PM

Missokyst

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I don't think you know until it happens. I could never understand people who jumped from one relationship to another without a beat in between. Or people who end a relationship knowing that they already have someone in mind.
When things end and you are not ready for it, there should be some time to heal.
When my marriage broke up ... LOL I think I waited till that evening to go out dancing.
When the relationships ended with men I loved, it took much longer.
Currently I still don't think I am ready. However, I was not ready when I met my last dominant either. That took me by surprise.
So from my POV, you force yourself to keep an open mind. I don't actively seek, but I am open to meeting. I don't play, but I am open to discussing it. During the last year I have made progress. Now I am going to parties (though not to play). I dress cute. And the last party I would have played if the opportunity had arose. I am not ready for another relationship. But I am ready to live, have fun, and find some happiness again.
I don't think you know that you are ready until suddenly there you are.
Until then grab what ever peace and joy you can.
Kyst

(in reply to SweetNika)

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RE: When do you know your ready? - 6/6/2008 12:27:56 PM

adorability

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A truly excellent question- and one I have been trying to figure out myself. Just because a relationship can't work, it does not necessarily mean you love the other person any less. When that happens, and you still have overwhelming amounts of love toward that person- there is a grief associated with losing not just the relationship, and the partner, but the future you envisioned as well.

I think I'm ready; but, it's hard. It's been years now- and while some days I'm fairly okay with things; still- when I allow myself to think about it, the pain is as fresh as if it happened yesterday. I can burst into tears with just a single thought of him. So much of my heart belonged to him, that it's hard to think it will ~ever~ really get easier. But, I also know that staying stuck forever is not healthy...

(in reply to Missokyst)

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RE: When do you know your ready? - 6/6/2008 12:29:28 PM

MrSpectacular

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I think that if your original connection was real - you will never move on - there is always going to be something there. Something that reminds you - no matter how hard you try. My simple advice is let things take there course and see where it leads you. Trying to control or make and outcome in any relationship is like trying to mold Mercury (quicksilver) - when you squeeze one way - it oozes out another. Better to let it settle and see where things lie. My other simple answer is to enjoy the moment you have right now - the past is done - you cannot change it - the future you cannot predict -so why worry about it.
Just my simple opinion.

Sincerely

N

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RE: When do you know your ready? - 6/6/2008 12:40:31 PM

KatyLied

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I don't judge when I'm ready according to how I feel about a broken relationship. I figure when I'm ready for another relationship I'll know, I'll feel it, it may be me or it may be another person who generates an interest that causes me to want to be open to the possibility. You can't go wrong if you live your life for yourself. Do the things you enjoy, surround yourself with family/friends, and other interests. Be open to allowing things to happen. In this way you will find peace.

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RE: When do you know your ready? - 6/6/2008 1:14:03 PM

Leatherist

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When you realize that you cannot go back-and make the choice to go forward instead.

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RE: When do you know your ready? - 6/6/2008 1:26:01 PM

softness

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when you feel the desire to

4 years ago I was heart broken, damaged, angry, and determined not be hurt again ... and though I was sleeping around later that same month ... and playing again within 6 ... I wasn't ready to *Actually* move on until over a year later ...I had not interest in "moving on" until then, I was just interested in getting by

then a couple of key factors fall into place ... and it all just suddenly clicks.

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RE: When do you know your ready? - 6/6/2008 1:31:51 PM

servantheart

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

When you realize that you cannot go back-and make the choice to go forward instead.

Sound advice, though it's wise to avoid jumping into a serious relationship too soon after the old one ends. Don't shut yourself off from the outside world and activities, but don't look for someone new until the time feels right. You'll know when it's time.

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