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RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 12:12:01 PM   
MsDawnbbwdomme


Posts: 52
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline 		Hi mely, I am gonna try this approach. I have attempted an "Hello, what happened type im " but nothing more. Thanks for the idea. I don't think I come on too strong. I always preach safety and offer to meet at a munch or a public restaurant. So we will see. Huggs MsDawn
quote:

ORIGINAL: melycious

3. do you attempt to follow up afterwards? not as a punitive measure..but perhaps as a learning tool for yourself...... ? ie: i was surprised and disappointed when you didnt show up today? i hope things are ok, but assume you choose not to meet for a particular reason, in order to be the best at what i do/enjoy, i wonder if you could find time to drop me a line or 2 telling me what put you off, why you made that choice? AND THEN, dont debate what they tell you, dont argue it, or defend it......... say thank you..and see if what they say really applies to you...

*grins.. and shakes my head to get rid of bad meeting memories* i'll stick with my ct folks!!

mely

(in reply to melycious)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 12:15:26 PM   
MsDawnbbwdomme


Posts: 52
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline 		Lady Shoshin, OMG I am sooo sorry! HOW RUDE!!! See this is just total lack of common courtesy! I would have gone up to him and probably slapped him senseless. Geez yes I do have a temper. I also have tons of pics on my website as I never want anyone to say well " I didn't know you were sooo big". My pics clearly show I am a SSBBW. And I also mention it when first talking to someone just in case. Darn! JERK! You obviously don't need his kind. Huggs MsDawn
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyShoshin

Been through plenty of no shows, annoying! But the worst is when they do show up and you know it is them, but don't go up to them because even if it is them, they will lie. I have pictures in my profiles, I am honest about my appearance, they have begged to meet me & then they hide in the crowd. Beyond annoying!!!!! I sat across the bar from the last one & ordered a drink, then looking right into his eyes asked the waitress what she would do to a man who failed to show up.

I haven't given up, I keep going to munches and parties, I keep setting up meetings in a pub close by. I actually found a part time sub through one of those meetings.

You aren't going to get the gold ring every time you ride the merry go round, but if you ride it long enough, you just may get the prize.

(in reply to LadyShoshin)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 12:17:25 PM   
MsDawnbbwdomme


Posts: 52
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline 		I am curious , did you let her know you had arrived and why you left? If so what did she say? Thanks MsDawn


quote:

ORIGINAL: anthrosub

i think the replies here about how to avoid the issue in the first place is the better way to answer this question. People will be people and the situation with each will vary enough to make any one answer impossible to apply regarding why they don't show up. Back when i was just starting to explore BDSM over 10 years ago, i communicated with a Pro by phone after reading her ad in a personals section of a local newspaper.

We talked for about an hour and the impression i received was of someone organized, solid, and level headed. We ended the conversation when we agreed on a time when i would arrive for an in depth interview. The day came and i showed up at the door at the exact time. i was supposed to knock twice very clearly and wait. But when i got to the door and was about to knock, i heard a violent argument between her (i recognized the voice) and a male. It was clearly a huge domestic fight from what was being said. i stood there listening for at least 5 minutes and then left.

This is not exactly the same as meeting someone as Ms Dawn is suggesting but i wanted to include it because it demonstrates how things can go wrong in an unexpected way. Whatever interest (and butterflies) i had when i arrived for the interview vanished when i got to the door. i think if people are genuinely interested in meeting someone, it should be obvious very early on and MizSuz is right, better to be not looking as most things in life "unfold" of their own accord. To borrow from an old Zen saying...looking for that special someone is like, "Beating a drum in search of a thief." Better to interact, learn, and have some fun along the way and meeting someone will come out of that context.

anthrosub

(in reply to anthrosub)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 1:47:55 PM   
anthrosub


Posts: 843
Joined: 6/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I am curious , did you let her know you had arrived and why you left? If so what did she say? Thanks MsDawn


Hello MsDawn,
Unfortunately, i did not. i say unfortunately now because i've grown much since that day. As i drove home, i had a lot of thoughts spinning in my head. i was disappointed at the outcome and yet relieved that i hadn't gotten involved with someone who apparently had some heavy baggage. i remember rationalizing to some extent as well. i thought to myself, "Well, i may not have knocked when i was supposed to but she didn't seem to notice the time in the middle of the argument either and look to see if i had shown up." Looking back, i know this is a thin justification but i was just starting out and chalked this up to experience. She never called me although she had my number and i didn't pursue seeing her either.

Meeting people online for a relationship is hard no matter if it's BDSM or vanilla. That's why more and more i feel like the best thing to do is participate in discussions and get to know people online without an emphasis on meeting. The people who are here for the lifestyle and not looking for fantasy will become apparent and in the meantime, we will get to know each other without pressures.

i've tried to think of an analogy that best represents the gathering of people on a BDSM site and the only thing that seems to come close is a masquerade ball. Everyone arrives wearing their mask of choice and interacts with others while not knowing much about them. What needs to be done is spend enough time getting to know the person to see if the mask fits the wearer and whether they're consistent. Deliberately trying to drill down into who a person is doesn't work because they're aware that's what's going on and will behave accordingly.

anthrosub

_____________________________

"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain

"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

(in reply to MsDawnbbwdomme)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 2:56:06 PM   
calla


Posts: 2
Joined: 5/31/2004
Status: offline 		Greetings A/all

From this girl's point of view there is no reason why one should not show up when they say they are going to. If something comes up to stop the meet from happening then one should have enough decency to at least tell the other and possibly reschedule. If the sub/slave suddenly gets cold feet they should still have the common courtesy to let the Dom/Domme know.

calla is speaking from experience as she did set up a meet with a wonderful Master but at the last second had to reschedule and is glad she did. she is now under consideration for His collar.

calla

Attachment (1)

(in reply to MsDawnbbwdomme)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 4:17:12 PM   
MizSuz


Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: melycious

1. its always best to meet folks in a group situation, simply put..its safer..and if they are a total bore, there are others to talk to


Some folks are more intimidated by groups. Particularly submissive men who are not 'out.' I usually tell these people that they probably couldn't deal with my lifestyle anyway, as I am quite out.

quote:


2. look at your own approach, are you so determined to meet, for whatever reasons, that you are pushing someone who is not so sure of themselves? do you give them an out? do you provide whatever emotional security they might need? do you allow them to pick the place, encourage them to bring a lifestyle friend?


Newp. I tell them "this is where and when I'll be, if you're interested." If they don't show, I believe that to mean they are not interested. Sometimes that will be a public function, sometimes it will be at a public place. I don't give them an out because at that point they are not beholden to me for anything. They can provide their own out. I'm not responsible for their emotional security at that juncture either. If they aren't grown up enough to provide their own then I am probably not the one for them. If they need it then they should arrange it and let me know how they hope it goes off. If I'm amenable I'll cooperate, if I'm not I'll call it off. If they'd like to bring a friend they are welcome to. The more the merrier.

quote:

3. do you attempt to follow up afterwards? not as a punitive measure..but perhaps as a learning tool for yourself...... ? ie: i was surprised and disappointed when you didnt show up today? i hope things are ok, but assume you choose not to meet for a particular reason, in order to be the best at what i do/enjoy, i wonder if you could find time to drop me a line or 2 telling me what put you off, why you made that choice? AND THEN, dont debate what they tell you, dont argue it, or defend it......... say thank you..and see if what they say really applies to you...


They know how to contact me. If they haven't, then they don't want to. Good enough for me.

I sound like a bitch, don't I? hahahaha

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to melycious)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 4:38:59 PM   
italianalala


Posts: 48
Joined: 6/10/2004
Status: offline 		Every reason you are stood up (as I am) has been offered to you with heartfelt openness.

My outlook now, after many trips into the city and being stood up, is to have an alternative plan. If the houseboy shows, great, we can talk and explore our desires. If he doesn't, I have plans to do something and my trip into the city was not wasted.

You met your hubby on line and you say it has worked out: now you need patience and patience (and maybe a pint of Haagen Dazs -- it temporarily works for me) plus a laugh now and then. Eventually things work out, but, until then, we will never concieve what is going on in the mind of someone we do not know.

Good luck to you!

____________________________
Blueberries are still in season, pretty soon, kiwis will be the fruit of choice.
Both are very high in antioxidents.

< Message edited by italianalala -- 7/24/2004 4:40:03 PM >

(in reply to MizSuz)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 5:39:08 PM   
melycious


Posts: 45
Joined: 1/20/2004
Status: offline 		~chuckles..

nope not a bitch..but you were not the one worrying or concerned about why or why not folks dont follow thru with plans :)

my advice is the same... as always for all things.. if you are lookign for an answer as to the whys and the hows...... its always best to look at why its important to you.. cause in the end.. its you who has to live with it..and you can not change anyone else..

on this subject.. didnt sound like it much matters to you.. you dont become invested in the way the orginal writer was or sounded..

*grins* i guess its like AA.. take what you need and leave the rest..

but ummm.... could i just request one thing? could you please make sherri a devil next time..cause this whole angel thing..is getting ummm.. well.. ... *giggles*

mely

(in reply to MizSuz)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 6:22:23 PM   
iwillserveu


Posts: 1633
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Yes, you are expecting too much by asking them to dinner. (That is why they don't show.)

Your profile mentions nothing about an escape clause thing. Two weeks is hardly enough time to decide about my destiny forever. Yeah I know you are only talking about dinner, but the sub canidate probably does not trust himself to make a a decision with the blood flowing to the wrong head.

Of course not even e-mailing you after the fact explaining that is pure cowardice on his part... Note to all guys (I've never heard of this complaint from women): Call her to say thanks, but no thanks. (Yeah heterosexism alert. I didnot consider the homosexual perspective. I also did not consider the Italian perspective.)

_____________________________

When the Lady smiles i can't resist her call. As a matter of fact, i don't resist at all. Well that depends if it is a smile or a grimmace.

(in reply to MsDawnbbwdomme)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 8:58:46 PM   
MistressDREAD


Posts: 2943
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		a submissive chooses by the moment by the minuite
by the hour by the day by the week by the month by
the year when and how and who and where they will
choose to serve a Dominant daily to fullfill their selfs

a slave chooses to serve a Dominant once forever
to fullfill the Dominants needs

if you are a person whom is suplicant and in order
for you to feel suplicant you make choices in what
you will give then you are submitting but if you
choose to let another say what you will give you
are slave

now this is My take on those into suplication
and this also explains the reasons for no shows
of a sub whom might of choose to submit to you
on line or on the phone but then choose not to
when it comes time to meet. A sub has the right
to make that choice and We as a Dominant at this
point have no Domineering factor with in that choice.
This is what really is upsetting for most in this
position. When it is the other way around it is the
Dominant whom cannot take the role of Dominant and
follow thru on what They started which finds a sub
or slave with a empty card. As for the meeting online
I have to go against the majority here as I have found
over the past 16 years online that I have found sum
very interesting slaves that submitted to Me and wore
My colar and if it were not for My Online role I would
of never met these wonderful people. If a person follows
their real life desires and is able to distinguish from
their reality from their fantasy and hold tru to their
selfs sooner or later the one for you will find the path
to you.Patience is a virtue and not to say that r/l is
not the best way to go such as munchies and group meetings
in real life but they are just one way and a more established
way and those whom are comming to oneline many times are
new to BDSM and there is a lot here thats over whelming so its
hard when new to distinguish from the online players and the
serious ones. Remember Deception is a kink and alive and well
here in Alternate Lifestyles too along with Humiliation so think
about that when interacting with sumone. Online for real life
has worked for Me, and it can for you too. There are also simply
preditors both suplicant and Dominant whom prey for the thrill and
nonconcensually dupe others into their * trips*
JMO

(in reply to iwillserveu)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 10:21:33 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		Here's another thread on this:

no shows

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to MsDawnbbwdomme)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 11:55:11 PM   
Sundew02


Posts: 457
Joined: 2/6/2004
Status: offline 		I agree that the use of a computer is an iffy way to find someone D/s or vanilla. But since it is the tool most available for contact, I use it. Where else can you meet people from all over the country? Meet may not be your word of choice, but it works for me. D/s events may be a much more direct way of meeting others in the lifestyle it is also limiting to what is available to you.
I will add my voice to the optimists, enjoy the hunt, relax and laugh at the ones without the heart to keep their word, you are the one with character and integrity. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff, I no longer even consider going out of my area to meet them. As I always show, I am not going to put myself in the position of spending money on airfare or time off work to sit and wait for a never show. So if I end up alone at the meeting place I order a good meal and enjoy it. Welcome aboard the D/s roller coaster!!! Sundew

_____________________________


~~~~~Enjoy the ride, the landing could get painful~~~~

(in reply to MsDawnbbwdomme)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/25/2004 9:12:41 PM   
Majiktrixs


Posts: 13
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline 		Funny story for you all..
This is how it went.... 1st time real time meet with on liner Dom... about 5 years ago.
"Ohhhhhhh" my daughters remind me "Momma rules"...internet made rules within life-styles.... and consideration of real time. My eldest daughter having spent time within the lifestyle as Pro Dom'me made for much more protection in her eyes.. safe /sane.
As the days got closer to the date set when he was to be in town...... long phone calls in between His work commitments.. W/we couldn't wait.
The day of this happening came.... so as not to be alone my darling daughters say we all go to dinner and then coffee after, where this Dom 1 could join us. If He passed their test then they would leave.. *smiles
Every one who passed the door of the coffee shop for the next hour and this was at a busy coffee shop in the middle of town, they would be asking if it was Him...... as we waited...friends of my daughters came and joined us. To the welcome cheer of "Yeah join us Momma's waiting to meet this Dom dude" for all to hear... More friends arived to the same welcome... untill there were eight all waiting to meet this One due......
I was a mess, a wreck and handling all of the observations of my shaking like a leaf, made note to me by the company at the table...z "Yes" by this time 3 tables full, finally He arives to the polite welcome of my safty crew.
It turns out this Dom 1 was a roady for a band that my kids adored (can't name of course) 4 hours later, head rushes from too much coffee and He busy chatting..... (they were all getting on fine without lickle old me)
We all went back to oldest daughters place... they all had a ball and didn't go to bed till 4am and ONLY coz HE had to go prepare for a 6 am meeting.
The kids were forever banned from any meetings ever ever again... it took me weeks of courage and a lotta money to look that good....... i nebber met da Dom dude ebber again.. just the occasional mail here an there over the years W/we are good friends on line. *smiles
Majik Happens
trixs

(in reply to stef)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/26/2004 2:53:13 AM   
subbiejenn


Posts: 631
Joined: 7/12/2004
Status: offline
Hi A/all i am jenn...

i believe that a lot of online users are looking for something, not sure what it is and get caught up in the fantasy. Maybe they want to be the "perfect size" but really are not, online it is easy to be something Y/you are not. So they get into the fantasy - get in to deep... then once it is time to meet its all just lies.... so they can't actually show up!

i know several people who believe they have to be the perfect magazine model to be attractive and when i first came online i thought everyone else was that perfect except me. i wouldn't show anyone what i looked like but soon to find out all the pictures of all the gorgeous woman were all fake and not them at all. They were all average looking like me .... i never lied about who i was just didn't tell, didn't show. i am proud to say i have since overcome that! i am happy with who i am now.

i think 8/10 times someone doesn't show up it is because they lied about who they are or what they look like. the other 2/10 maybe just got to nervous

I've meet a few Dom's from online and all have showed up and been great Men, even so i wouldn't suggest it (safety issues) it can work. i always make sure there are no red flags.... i know them well... talk on the phone... if 1 thing bothers me about them they are totally cut off! lol
trust Y/you instincts....

Good Luck E/everyone and be well .....

_____________________________

~Subspace is my perfect paradise vacation from busy-mind... blessed be to the Dominant who can stamp my ticket there.~

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"

(in reply to MsDawnbbwdomme)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/26/2004 8:33:37 AM   
Interesdom


Posts: 197
Joined: 5/24/2004
From: England
Status: offline 		I realise that the forum is about asking subs but I, as a dominant hetero male, also get fed up with the no-shows, even though I don't seem to suffer as much as some. I'll pass on some tips which I've learnt and been told by submissives.

Very early, make it clear that you will want to meet soon, if only to give them a chance to know the real you (of course, your objective is to know the real them).

Always meet in whatever non-threatening environment they want for a first time. I ususally suggest a cafe or munch but have met outside a school and in a library.

Talk TWICE on the phone ABOUT meeting up for the first time. Include talking about the sub's fear about meeting and address those fears. If you can't settle the fears, delay the meeting - any sub who really wants to meet will soon ask for another chance to meet.

Make sure you have at least one phone number of theirs and that you've called them on it. If you've not seen them on web cam, get at least two photos (preferably one with your required shot - I often ask for a side-view) as anyone can send you one photo they find of someone else but to send two can be more difficult, especially if one of them is a custom shot.

Have the sub call you just before they leave for the venue. This is great if you have the venue loser to you than them. On this call, ask questions to determine that they really are just about to go (I won't post what to ask!).

I hope this helps.

Subs - I don't suppose the advice here is much different than what you need to make sure you are talking with someone real but I hear less about supposed-doms not turning up than supposed-subs going cold.

(in reply to MsDawnbbwdomme)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/28/2004 8:42:52 AM   
cheeba0228


Posts: 230
Joined: 7/27/2004
From: Detroit
Status: offline 		its really quite easy isnt it. They want the experience but are afraid of what it involves and afraid of turing themselves over. Its all a wonderful idea till they have to do it. In truth they usually have a hubby/wife/sig. other. and what they are really wanting is to live it out with them not just find someone else to live it out with. Sometimes you just cant help them.

(in reply to MsDawnbbwdomme)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/29/2004 12:32:35 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline 		Hello,

I agree with the poster who said always have an alternative plan. But then I can only speak for myself and I consider myself reasonably self-portable in that I can find something to occupy myself at the drop of a hat. Have to in a job where the crane can break and I can be asked to "stand by" (euphemism for sit and twiddle my thumbs) until lunchtime or end of shift.

But more to the point. People dont show up for a reason. Some people can articulate what this reason is, some cannot. I would consider myself rude to not send a note stating why I didnt make it, but my own value is not something I expect everybody else to have.

If it is not going to happen, demanding an explanation wont make it happen.

On a similar note, I tend to dislike being apologized to for a behavior.

The first time they do X I dont mind, I simply acknowledge their apology and move on.

The second time they do something and apologize for it, I point out that a person who is truly apologetic about their behavior would STOP the behavior.

I was teaching somebody to drive a while back, and they kept apologizing for every little thing. I finally said "Ok, I want you to fully apologize for every driving faux pas you have made or will make in the future and then focus on driving and never apologize to me for driving mishaps again."

The look of total relief on this person's face told me that other people demand apologies from this person way too much.

Just me, could be wrong, but I am kinda stuck with it.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to cheeba0228)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/29/2004 2:26:26 PM   
MistressVivianCA


Posts: 7
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline 		You're not alone in feeling the frustration of trying to find a suitable submissive. In my experience about 50% of those who claim they want to meet will actually follow through and do so. Of those who come out the majority are not as they have represented themselves to be. Just this week a I had one come out to meet. We had a lovely dinner and chatted afterward. He had to leave early for a business meeting. The next day he called me to say that he was passing back through town on his way home from the meeting and wanted to see me again to prove to me how sincere he was about wanting to get to know me. I said, OK, fine come on over we can go out to dinner and spend some more time getting to know each other. I asked how long it would take till he got here. He answered an hour and a half. He never showed up. Three calls to his cell phone asking if he was at least alive and an email have all been ignored. It really seems to be just par for the course. Good luck to you, Vivian

(in reply to Sinergy)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/29/2004 6:55:37 PM   
Laura


Posts: 573
Joined: 6/22/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline 		I have met two subs/ men after meeting online. (I don't count the one I married since we met as penpals, not strictly online). Both showed up.

However, I get frustrated with the ignorant and rude behaviour of men who send email notes back and forth and then suddenly cut off when they realize I'm an actual woman, not a sex worker. Even though I get pretty peeved I'm also glad to be rid of them in the early stages.

You can think of it that way too. At least you didn't have to bother doing more than the initial meeting. Also, don't dally with them online. Be straight and upfront about exactly and precisely what you want. Don't give them play time online if you want something serious and more toned down when you meet. Begin as you mean to go on.

_____________________________

Bait & Switch - Adult column

(in reply to MsDawnbbwdomme)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/29/2004 7:08:57 PM   
Laura


Posts: 573
Joined: 6/22/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline 		Dinner is a committment of at least half an hour. I'd balk at that myself. I arrange to meet for coffee. Last time we met at the parking lot of a Tim Horton's. I even parked right beside him, not knowing. I sat in my car a few minutes, deciding. But I got out, he waved and we went in. He thought I was reconsidering, I was. But I lied and said I was thinking about bills, which I was also doing (multi tasking). Anyway, it went fine. I thought he would offer to buy my coffee but that was ok. He gave me a flogger he had made. We spent a couple of hours blabbing away about BDSM and all kinds of other stuff like travel. It was good. We emailed back and forth but seem to have lost touch now. Not that I don't have his email but... sometimes things just die off without reason. We weren't looking for the same thing anyway.

_____________________________

Bait & Switch - Adult column

(in reply to MsDawnbbwdomme)
Profile   Post #: 40
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