RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face?

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RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 8/29/2004 6:24:07 PM

sarbonn

Posts: 203
Joined: 3/23/2004
Status: offline

I've never stood anyone up that I've agreed to meet. But at the same time, I don't make it to the point where I meet someone a lot of the time because I just don't put forth the effort, especially while online. A few years ago, I used to belong to a number of bdsm organizations where I was meeting people in person, and I can be an interesting, charming individual, so I would usually do all right. But the online meeting thing is frustrating and almost always uneventful for me. I've only managed to meet one person online, and that was in the early days of the Internet, and I had the feeling that she and I would have met even without the Internet at some point or another because we ended up living together for a few years because we were so close in spirit to one another.

I wish I could find someone, but that doesn't seem to be the case for me anymore.

_____________________________

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day...
...teach a man to fish, he steals your fishing hole and then charges you for the fish.

(in reply to Laura)

Post #: 61

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 9/10/2004 12:41:28 PM

Mlicious

Posts: 75
Joined: 8/5/2004
Status: offline

Greetings E/everyone,
I am a new poster to the message boards. I read this thread with great interest. Particularly because My pet and I recently started a group for private parties. Part of what we wanted to do was provide a low pressure play party and keep it a relaxed way for new people to get involved. I put My profile on this site and got plenty of replies, but when it came time for the face to face, it is just as many of you have described. I am glad to have run across this thread b/c I was frustrated this week and pretty fed up with those who would rather pretend online than grab an opportunity to make it a reality.

Thanks to all of you for providing your perspectives, for they touched on the same conclusions that I'd come to, but more importantly, it has renewed My resolve to remain optimistic.

(in reply to Laura)

Post #: 62

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 9/10/2004 1:54:08 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Particularly because My pet and I recently started a group for private parties. Part of what we wanted to do was provide a low pressure play party and keep it a relaxed way for new people to get involved.

You made an ad on the site just to get people to attend your parties? Just trying to understand here. How did it work? I mean did anybody at all show up? Did you meet these people prior?

(in reply to Mlicious)

Post #: 63

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 9/10/2004 3:47:06 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

Ms Dawn,
I used to ask that question when I was searching for a sub. You know the answer, 99.9% of the ads are fakes with no intention of ever meeting.

But consider this. Your person is out there for you. To get to you, they have to:
1 - Be subscribed to this site
2 - Meet your gender requirement
3 - Meet your age requirement
4 - Meet your desired sexual preferences
5 - Have the same limits/no-limits as you
6 - Accept a Poly relationship
7 - Be attractive to you
8 - You being attractive to him/her
9 - Be close enough to you to meet.
10 - Like being around each other when you do meet.

It's not easy to actually hook up. It's work. You have to take the attitude that it's going to take time. It's hard enough to meet a person in a vanilla setting. Realize that you are looking for something even rarer. I approached each meeting opportunity as an adventure. Expecting nothing, but making sure the meeting was at a place I'd never been to or was a place I liked going to so if they didn't show up it wouldn't be a total lose.

Meanwhile, how to deal with it?
Assume everyone who contacts you is lying! Don't assume any ad is legitimate, and question everything, including the sex of the person contacting you. Don't waste time. As soon as the safety issues are addressed DEMAND a meeting; at at place and time of your convenience.
MOST IMPORTANT - Do not play any cyber or phone sex scenes or games. Real people won't be interested in this, and your refusal to play will sift out the wannabes, and 'one handed web surfers.

Hang in there! Ultimately I met beth from an on-line meeting. We now live together in a 24/7 M/s relationship. We have a ad posted here, because we enjoy adding others to our scenes and having fun with other couples. So far, 50 or so emails sent and received -ZERO show-ups. But, taking our own advise, we've been enjoying each other visiting many new clubs, bars, and restaurants we've never been to before.
Oh, and one more thing, don't accept excuses either. The lase couple coming to meet us called the next day saying they were in a terrible accident. YEAH RIGHT - when pressed it turned out the accident was us thinking they were real!

Good Luck!

Merc & beth

(in reply to MsDawnbbwdomme)

Post #: 64

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 9/10/2004 8:16:42 PM

Mlicious

Posts: 75
Joined: 8/5/2004
Status: offline

sub4hire,

Yes, I did make an ad here. I am very clear about what I am looking for. It is for Female Dommes and the male subs who want to serve Them. This get together was going to happen anyway. It started with a core group of people who I already knew. The people I met through the ad were to add some new folks interested in a chance to meet others. Isnt that what so many of us talk about? So many of us talk about how difficult it is to find others of like mind who are sincere. Part of finding new people through the ad was to get these folks together who are trying to find one another. It is a simple premise that has received a very positive response.

Any new people I did meet beforehand. It turned out that some people who contacted me were those who travelled in the same circles, so meeting them was not such an issue. The party was a success and very well received. Hope that answers your question, I have a habit of writing novels once I get started. Be well.

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 65

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 9/10/2004 8:21:19 PM

Mlicious

Posts: 75
Joined: 8/5/2004
Status: offline

sub4hire,

And I should clarify, the get togethers are not for profit, and the purpose of the profile was not to promote a party for profit. Be well.

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 66

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 9/10/2004 11:25:21 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Any new people I did meet beforehand. It turned out that some people who contacted me were those who travelled in the same circles, so meeting them was not such an issue. The party was a success and very well received. Hope that answers your question, I have a habit of writing novels once I get started. Be well.

Yes, it did thank you. I was curious when I read your post to people just showing up having never met you before. I know submissives who are afraid to go to munches in public places having not met anyone before. It was hard to imagine someone knowing no one going to a private place to be with strangers.

(in reply to Mlicious)

Post #: 67

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 9/16/2004 2:46:55 PM

realophelia

Posts: 168
Status: offline

quote:

Can anyone here explain why a sub would waste both our times contacting a Mistress, chatting in im's, chats, and maybe phone calls and then NOT showing up for the real time meeting???

I didn't have time to read the whole thread so excuse me if someone else said this. But people who do things like this are character deficient IMO. In the long run, it might be a good thing that they chickened out at the last minute or the wife stayed home from work or whatever happened. Who knows...if you had met, you might have clicked and got sucked in and the sooner a person like that disappoints you, the better. In my experience.

As to why people jerk others around online, probably because they enjoy doing it. When I was looking online, I would usually talk to several different people at the same time and try not to get too swept away by any one person until things progressed to realtime. Maybe guys who are looking to play games lose interest if they don't get too much attention but I didn't have too much trouble with posers.

I have talked to a lot of Doms online (and will even still talk to people if they are sincere about friendship) when I was searching. Over the last three years I have met five Doms realtime. Three didn't click. Two did. Both of those turned into relationships. Obviously one relationship didn't pan out or I would not be in relationship two. I don't know if that's much better or worse than what happens in the vanilla world. But it has been hard on me at times. Still didn't give up, and I hope you will hang in there as well.

Best of luck :)
Ophelia

< Message edited by realophelia -- 9/16/2004 2:50:11 PM >

(in reply to MsDawnbbwdomme)

Post #: 68

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 9/20/2004 9:09:45 PM

CuckoIdsIave

Posts: 12
Joined: 9/19/2004
Status: offline

why would someone waste Your time? because they have no life of their own and maybe they get off on it? who knows the real reason, but BDSM is much like Vanilla life, in the ways that people play games. You never know who or what you are getting reguardless of the lifestyle Your in. i am a magnet for these type of people it seams, but i will not give up cause i know there is a special Lady out there that could and will some day be pleased to have me at Her feet. Just dont give up, keep Your head up, and move on. People like that arnt worth your time.

(in reply to stef)

Post #: 69

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 9/23/2004 6:14:59 AM

johnthung2003

Posts: 1
Joined: 9/16/2004
Status: offline

I'm a dom who is having similar experiences. I found a cute girl, she sent photos and everything. We had a phone conversation and some threads, but then she disappeared. I also find that subs are too short in their emails. How can we get to know each other?

(in reply to MsDawnbbwdomme)

Post #: 70

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 9/26/2004 11:22:42 AM

magiqual

Posts: 27
Joined: 9/19/2004
Status: offline

I'm going to take a different tack than the other posters; it's easy to simply dismiss those who don't show up as "fake" but it's probably not helpful in getting and holding someone who could truly work out.

People's personalities are a collection of different "identities" that all contribute their voices like like actors playing on a stage. One or two identities will take the front of the stage at any given time, shifting places in different environments (e.g. work, school, home) or relationships (e.g. friends, dominant, sub, spouse, children.)

The catch is, most people aren't conscious of this process, assuming they have a single consistent conscious identity and a mysterious "subconscious" that bubbles up in dreams and impulses. You might get someone to admit they take on different roles at work vs. at home, but most people underestimate how different those two states can look. They assume, from moment to moment, that the identity taking the stage is the whole of who they are (not noticing how these identities shift.) They haven't learned how to "get off the stage" and watch the interplay of these parts, and to discover the core self that lies beneath all of these (constructed) identities.

So, assume you're talking with a gentleman submissive. His "submissive" identity is standing on the front of the stage, waxing elequoent with desire. As the time comes to meet, other identities have to get into the act -- work-self, home-self, dealing-with-money-self, "mother taught me sex is dirty and kinky sex is beyond the pale"-self -- and they all have different priorities. Usually, submissive-self gets chased to the back of the pack and, embarrassed at the failure, never takes the front of the stage again with you. (If submissive-self does pop up, all the other identittes that beat it back the first time start speaking up and the person loses motivation again.)

As a dominant, and the object of someone's desire, you have a powerful tool to stop this process. If it's looking like a meeting could be imminent, you could tell the fellow "before you commit to coming to see me, I want you to do two things: 1) write out a plan for coming to see me, and 2) write down anything that could get in the way of that from other commitments to any hesitation you might be feeling. Write it all down, and sleep on it. Revise your plan, if necessary. Then, if and only if you can still commit to that plan -- tell me you can come. If you can't, what is it going to take for you to deal with those obstructions?"

Besides, if someone isn't doing to do that little bit at homework at Your command before a first meeting, would that person be suitable for the demands of a LTR?

(in reply to MsDawnbbwdomme)

Post #: 71

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 9/27/2004 4:00:27 PM

MistressJanessa

Posts: 1
Joined: 8/24/2004
Status: offline

It's one of the most frustrating things about Our scene---people who pant and beg for d/s and b/d over the Net but don't show up after making a comitment to. It's particularly maddening when it occurs after the Domme has gone out of Her way to meet---dressing and makeup--cleaning the house, dungeon or renting a hotel room etc. Its even irritating when they cancel at the last minute for what is obviously a made up reason(my mon, aunt, father, uncle, dog, cat died, was sick, needed company etc.)but is simply unexcusable when they don't even call, just don't show up. So I have an ironclad rule. If they don't show up the first time, that's it---I'm not a professional but I tell them that the first meeting would have been free but since they stood Me up they now have to send Me 100 dollars, in a cash money order, if they want to meet again. Usually I don't hear from them again---but that's ok with Me.

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

Post #: 72

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/13/2005 3:21:15 AM

lonewolf05

Posts: 830
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline

no. i cannot. "I" cannot.

i have driven over, 10,000 miles TO meet dommes. i am yet again, going to drive to meet another soon this month.

sorry. no answer.

the wolf

_____________________________

"there is no gravity, life sucks!"

(in reply to MsDawnbbwdomme)

Post #: 73

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/22/2005 11:05:44 AM

HalloweenWhite

Posts: 1028
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wantadoormat

Too mant times it is the fault of the Doms on here. How can a female be objective when she gets hunfreds of emails per day from men panting over her. When she sees just how in demand she is then she can become jaded and ignore all but the top 1% who are willing to offer anything to "DOM" her. Usually it is the slaves that need to compete to make them more receptive and try harder but in here it is the Doms competing so all SHE has to do is take the best offer. Maybe WE need to sit back and let the slave come to US for a change.

Well said.

HalloweenWhite

(in reply to wantadoormat)

Post #: 74

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 8/14/2005 7:27:35 AM

SupahBoy

Posts: 5
Joined: 7/28/2004
Status: offline

Gee.. I always show up for face to face even if for the sake of rejecting them. At least so it cant be said I dont.

(in reply to HalloweenWhite)

Post #: 75

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 8/14/2005 7:35:41 AM

lebmelech

Posts: 14
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

ive never understood this. the first meeting is a no play time for me, so why not meet and have a cup of coffee or a drink? worse comes to worse you get a nice chat out of it.

(in reply to stef)

Post #: 76

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 8/14/2005 9:49:20 AM

dreamNChains

Posts: 9
Joined: 3/10/2005
Status: offline

i do not know why they do not show up but this can also be turned about to! lol as a collared sub and a married woman i do not meet with O/others looking for a relationship but just to meet new F/friends and get to know the P/person on the other side of my screen...and yes i have set up meets and had both DOminants and sub/slaves stand U/us up! lol i think the biggest problem is that online you can hide but well if you truely do not like someone then tis hard to hide that face to face...and yes this is one explanation i was given as to why a couple did not show up to meet U/us!! lol i asked why if they did not like me/U/us did they agree to the meeting?? lol my answer?? well we were afraid to hurt your feelings ...as if but oh well i still meet when i am able with T/those who are similar in interests!! but as to the OP got no clue and there is sometimes no explanation other than the other is just a jerk

~dream~

(in reply to lebmelech)

Post #: 77

RE: Excuses, excuses...From a New Sub - 8/14/2005 5:03:58 PM

lechat

Posts: 57
Joined: 10/19/2004
Status: offline

there's 6 million jewish ghost and were myriad camp survivors that were glad that america was "fighting for peace"

(in reply to SherriA)

Post #: 78

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