stella41b
Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
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Okay, I'm a transgendered female, I'm just under 6ft tall and currently 290-280lbs.. I'm transitioning.. I've looked much worse than I do now and I've come down from 450lbs - through having to deal with a 'cocktail' of different issues, homelessness, gender reassignment, hormonal imbalances (I'm a mosaic type of transgendered female), binge eating and I also carry the obesity gene..... these are explanations, not excuses. I don't need excuses.
I agree with the OP.. and would even say that your image is more down to what you project out to other people than how you look. How I look doesn't make much difference.. I have a personality, I have a character, I'm going through the transition and I'm notorious in the way my appearance changes constantly. I get stick from both angles for being big and also for being transgendered. But then again most people who know me accept me for who I am. If they're smart, as most of them seem to be, they accept me as I am at that particular moment in time.
As Steel wrote people like you for who you are, and for what you look like. I could go further and suggest that other people relate to you only in terms of their own understanding and intelligence. The problem isn't just with television, it's also with the media in general and it extends right through into society. Have you ever tried to buy plus sized clothing for either gender? The fashion industry doesn't have a clue. However I'm reliably informed that in North America thre situation is somewhat better. But so many people fall for this sort of bullshit it's unbelievable. The bottom line is you can change your weight and your appearance, if you so want to, but there's not really much you can do to change the attitudes of other people if they're resistant to the way you project yourself. Nothing. There's nothing written anywhere which says you must be socially acceptable or universally popular. Nobody else is.
Your social position isn't really down to how you look, but tends to be based on what you know and what you do. These are the only two issues most people look for. What do you know? What do you do? My social position has got nothing to do with the way I look, it's all based on my artistic work and achievements. I am honest and open about who I am, I am 'out', and you know I'd much rather be hated and rejected for who I really am than admired and popular for who I may or may not be at some point in the future. But everything I have obtained in life has come through either my abilities or personality.
Two things which the popular media seem to want to destroy are minding your own business and consideeration for other people. You get some people who go out of their way to make someone feel bad or to put someone down. A few of them look on me in horror and yes I do freak out the more narrow-minded people in society. What's more I also enjoy it. It keeps them interested in life.
But you know, none of them buy my clothing or food. Most of them probably couldn't cope with what I've had to cope with in life, and their self-righteous indignation is truly out of place.These people never ask, they just assume. They make assumptions about my health that I don't eat healthy food - I'm actually predominantly vegetarian and eat a large amount of fruit and vegetables. I also go out for long walks, up to five or six miles, and I'm rarely ill. There's also what I feel is a universal truth about weight loss, which is (a) it takes time and (b) the closer you get to your ideal weight or the older you are the harder it is to lose weight. My coming down from 450lbs to 350lbs was very easy, in fact it was automatic and came from changing the way I live. Yes there are relapses, times when I think I've lost weight and I've actually gained weight, but overall I'm moving in the right direction and while I'm living and breathing there's always a chance to try harder. I'm doing this for myself, for no other reason.
But there's just some things in the OP I'd like to comment on..
quote:
These differences of opinion are bringing up some very negative feelings in me. Master doesn't mean to be critical or to make me feel badly, but he will comment on my weight at least once every visit. Either I've lost a few pounds or gained a pound or two. (My weight has stayed within five pounds of when I first met him two years ago.) His comments about other people lead me to wonder what he really thinks of me, and even though he assures me he loves me and would love me no matter what the scale said, I find myself asking why I'm any different than those he talks negatively about.
Here I think you're fooling yourself. You say he doesn't mean to be critical or to make you feel badly and yet he makes the comments. You say his comments make you wonder what he really thinks of you. No need to wonder, ask him, directly. In fact I'd say to a certain extent both of you are fooling yourselves. This is what is clouding this issue up.
quote:
I'm finding myself resenting and resisting his attempts to gently nudge me into losing weight. I know he wants me to, even though he doesn't come out and make it an order. I think it would almost be easier to deal with if it was an order, strange as that may sound. Could I stand to lose a few pounds? Sure. But... I don't want to feel I have to lose weight for him to accept me. Accept me as I am NOW and not for what my potential might be. Does that make sense?
I understand where you're coming from here. What's happening is that his comments are causing your weight to become an issue. This is having a negative, counterproductive effect, as it is undermining your self-esteem and self-confidence, and rather than motivate you, it demotivates you. You are right in that he should accept you as you are now and not for who you may or may not be in the future. However I feel that you need to decide whether you need to lose weight in yourself. It is at the end of the day your body, it's you who is going to be doing the dieting, and you who is going to be making the effort to lose weight. You need to keep both issues separate - your weight and the relationship between you. It would be far more positive if he were to back off and to drop the issue altogether. But you also need to look within yourself for the motivation to lose weight and not to look for motivation from him. You can only really achieve the things you motivate yourself to do.
quote:
I've talked to him and told him how I feel about this. He's said to remind him when he starts making comments and he will stop, but that isn't solving the problem, just hiding it, and sooner or later, I'm afraid it will become a HUGE issue for us. I would rather work it out now than to let it become the elephant in the living room. As with other subjects he is uncomfortable with, he talks around the issue a lot but doesn't really deal with the topic. I'm just not sure how to go about solving this. Any ideas?
Again I agree with you here. It is when all said and done his prejudice which is causing the issue. I feel he should take the responsibility of dealing with these attitudes himself and not rely on you to make him. You are right, it can become a huge issue, one which may ultimately make or break the relationship. You either accept someone as they are at that given moment in time, or you don't. I mean, you don't walk into a relationship with someone who is disabled with the hope they can overcome their disability do you? He needs to learn how to overcome this issue, otherwise your relationship is always going to be shaky due to the fact that his acceptance of you isn't complete. This requires a change of attitude. Whether this is easy or not, or even possible, is down to him. It's his mind at the end of the day.
Perfectionism only leads to disappointment and heartache, acceptance of what is imperfect is the path to love and success.
Wishing you both well and that you can both overcome this. Drama can lead to better things, depending on how you act.
< Message edited by stella41b -- 6/7/2008 10:56:16 AM >
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