Hiding it from your spouse? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

Wyndrose -> Hiding it from your spouse? (6/9/2008 6:37:39 PM)

I am very new to all this, and have some questions.  I have recently met someone (a dominant man) who has the potential to become very special to me.  I am happily married to a man who has NO interest in what he considers "deviant sexual practices".  Please don't get me wrong, I love my husband VERY much, and he is every inch devoted to me.  But this new interest is something we can  not share.  Do any of you have to hide things from your significant other?  Does it work out?  Up until now, I have always been completely honest with him.  If it came down to it, I would stay with my husband and not pursue this path, however, I would like to have both.  I welcome anyone's thoughts.

Wyndrose



Real_Trouble -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/9/2008 6:40:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wyndrose

I am very new to all this, and have some questions.  I have recently met someone (a dominant man) who has the potential to become very special to me.  I am happily married to a man who has NO interest in what he considers "deviant sexual practices".  Please don't get me wrong, I love my husband VERY much, and he is every inch devoted to me.  But this new interest is something we can  not share.  Do any of you have to hide things from your significant other?  Does it work out?  Up until now, I have always been completely honest with him.  If it came down to it, I would stay with my husband and not pursue this path, however, I would like to have both.  I welcome anyone's thoughts.

Wyndrose


In short?

No.

Any relationship founded upon deceit will ultimately fail, internally or externally, given enough time.  You either need to be open about this, or make your choice.

Don't go down this path.  This way lies ruin.



DiurnalVampire -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/9/2008 6:42:00 PM)

You will be cheating. Are you willing to destroy your marriage for the kink?
Whatever you hide, you run the risk of being found out, and if you are found out you might lose it all.
Think of it this way, if you found out he liked sex a different way, something you didnt do for him, and he had someone on the side... how would YOU take it?
DV



GreedyTop -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/9/2008 6:42:27 PM)

Have you tried talking with your husband about whether he'd be willing to let you explore this outside the marriage?  And what about this dom? is he willing to share you with your husband?



InsaenPleasures -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/9/2008 6:43:23 PM)

Wyndrose

Hiding things never works. Even inadvertantly hiding them never really works. If you can come to an understanding with your husband that you can pursue this lifestyle and still be happily married, then do so.  If not then you have a tough choice to make. Some people will say you should stay married, others will say pursue who you are.  You should however, do what you feel is right for you and your commitments. Be very careful however, starting new commitments if the current ones are not solid.

Logan



windchymes -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/9/2008 6:45:31 PM)

My advice is to take off the ruby slippers and send the munchkins home, cause that yellow brick road ain't gonna end up in the Emerald City.  Just click your heels three times and say, there's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home..... 



SweetNika -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/9/2008 6:45:35 PM)

In my opinion IF you lie to your partner (regardless of the lables they were) you should step back and rethink your relationship. Are your needs being meet? If not can you honestly continue in such a relationship? If not then why not be honest and up front about it? In lying or hiding something you are betraying your partners trust, and once that is done it is very hard to gain back and sometimes impossible to gain back.
 
blessed be,
Nika



mistoferin -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/9/2008 7:01:03 PM)

This lifestyle that you are very new to is based on a foundation of consent. If you are wanting to hide this from your spouse he is obviously not in consent.



Alumbrado -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/9/2008 7:01:59 PM)

You've got to do what works for you, and whichever choice you make (tell, hide it, or stay vanilla) you won't be the only one to have done so.



katie978 -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/9/2008 7:13:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wyndrose

If it came down to it, I would stay with my husband and not pursue this path, however, I would like to have both.  I welcome anyone's thoughts.

Wyndrose


Yes. Cheating always works out perfectly for everyone. Your husband will never find out, and, if he does, he'll be happy to learn you destroyed the sanctity of marriage to get your rocks off with some douchebag "dom" that doesn't care you're a married woman.

  Cheating is a good course of action. Just watch Jerry Springer someday...those cheaters always live happily ever after.



azropedntied -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/9/2008 7:18:33 PM)

I agree ! and NO i hide Nothing from anyone i hold a dynamic with , lies and deceit are not a good thing for spouse or potential Dom .

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

Have you tried talking with your husband about whether he'd be willing to let you explore this outside the marriage?  And what about this dom? is he willing to share you with your husband?



Viridana -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/9/2008 7:20:28 PM)

You don't lie to or deceive the people you love.


Nuff said.



proudsub -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/9/2008 7:37:19 PM)

quote:

Do any of you have to hide things from your significant other? 


Been there done that. Hubby did find out and is now my Dom, so for me it turned out ok, but i was one of the lucky ones. Be prepared for a lot of stress and don't let your dom take any pictures of you. It's not something i would recommend or do again.[:o]



FireSpright -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/9/2008 7:39:17 PM)

Alumbrado is right. Whatever you decide you will not be the first to walk that path. I strongly suggest that if you do choose to seek what you crave outside your marriage you take your time thinking about it. Make sure this Dom has your best interest at heart and will keep you safe...including your 'real' life. Take your time, don't do anything rash.

What stands out for me in you post is not your desire to explore outside your marriage but your husbands complete lack of acceptance. "Deviant sexual practices" is not a choice of words that expresses unconditional love. They are words laced with judgement.

While weighing your choices I suggest that you weigh the quality of your marriage as well. I'm not passing judgement ... but I am concerned.

Good luck to you!





MasterFireMaam -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/9/2008 7:50:51 PM)

I won't tell you that you are wrong. You have your own set of morals/ethics to which you will or will not subscribe. I will say, however, that the more you hide from your spouse, the more you will feel that you are not being allowed to be who you really are. Hiding is one way of repressing yourself and your Self.

There are things you need to consider here:
1. How deep is the trust with your spouse? When you begin to do things that, if he did them to you, would undermine your trust, how long before the guilt of what you're doing will be too much? For some people, that's a long time and not a factor.
2. What happens when if he finds out? Even if nothing else, consider the legalities of what you do by having an affair. In some states/places, adultery is still grounds for not having custody or child support. It's rare, but it does happen.
3. What happens if you fall for the other man? Consider the possibility that you are willing to pursue this because you are willing to give up the relationship you already have. If this is the case, I highly recommend you give this one up before starting a new one.
4. How does this affect your potential Dominant? Being party to a nasty divorce as "the other man" will have ramifications for him, as well.

In the end, do what's right for you. There ARE people who do this without their partner's knowledge or consent. However, there are partners who do it with their partner's knowledge and consent. If there's any possibility that your SO would agree to allow you to meet these needs elsewhere, talk to him before you do anything.

Master Fire



mztresn0w -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/9/2008 7:55:57 PM)

I agree with what MasterFireMaam said. You are truly gifted MasterFireMaam.



petdave -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/9/2008 7:58:38 PM)

If you're "happily married", and this is something "new" that you can live without, why are you even considering taking steps that could ruin your marriage?

If you can walk away from it, walk away. Find yourself another exciting novelty like skydiving, or some other activity that will get you out of the house for a while but doesn't involve breaking your marriage vows.



Daddyslilpookie -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/9/2008 8:04:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: proudsub

quote:

Do any of you have to hide things from your significant other? 


Been there done that. Hubby did find out and is now my Dom, so for me it turned out ok, but i was one of the lucky ones. Be prepared for a lot of stress and don't let your dom take any pictures of you. It's not something i would recommend or do again.[:o]


I have been there as well proudsub and my husband is my Dominant, however it just didn't happen over night, it took several years and a seperation for my husband to become Master. My advice to the OP is don't do it, you will regret in the long run! I hope you heed this advice given to you, goodluck. 



Aine -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/9/2008 8:07:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

I won't tell you that you are wrong. You have your own set of morals/ethics to which you will or will not subscribe. I will say, however, that the more you hide from your spouse, the more you will feel that you are not being allowed to be who you really are. Hiding is one way of repressing yourself and your Self.

There are things you need to consider here:
1. How deep is the trust with your spouse? When you begin to do things that, if he did them to you, would undermine your trust, how long before the guilt of what you're doing will be too much? For some people, that's a long time and not a factor.
2. What happens when if he finds out? Even if nothing else, consider the legalities of what you do by having an affair. In some stated, adultery is still grounds for not having custody or child support. It's rare, but it does happen.
3. What happens if you fall for the other man? Consider the possibility that you are willing to pursue this because you are willing to give up the relationship you already have. If this is the case, I highly recommend you give this one up before starting a new one.
4. How does this affect your potential Dominant? Being party to a nasty divorce as "the other man" will have ramifications for him, as well.

In the end, do what's right for you. There ARE people who do this without their partner's knowledge or consent. However, there are partners who do it with their partner's knowledge and consent. If there's any possibility that your SO would agree to allow you to meet these needs elsewhere, talk to him before you do anything.

Master Fire



No big surprise, I agree with Fire. 

Cheating will have ramifications all over the place.  Is the person you're cheating with willing to be "the other man", and if you get caught out, is he willing to support you through quite possibly a nasty divorce, loss of kids (if you have them), etc etc.

Your husband is not asking to be cheated on.

If he knows about your interests, then TALK to him about the possibility of seeking with his permission a Dominant outside the marriage.

And I also agree with another person on here...

If it's something you're willing to live without because of how much you love your husband...how can you possibly be considering cheating?



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/9/2008 9:00:42 PM)

I've never known such a situation to work in the long term.  Either the beans are spilled, the spouse finds out, or the affair ends.



Page: [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.03125