RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (Full Version)

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greyeyes99 -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/9/2008 9:36:38 PM)

Hello Wydrose
I have just new been reading your forum post. Let me say that I face the same problem. You have all my support as I know what you are going through. If your partner like mine is unwilling to look after your needs you will need to make a yes or no decision. If you make the no one the itch will allways be there needing to be scratched.

If you make the yes decision it it on the basis that I can hide it for ever, which would be tricky not to mention stressfull and despite all you precuations you may get found out. I don't have my own answer yet as I am still looking. the pickings are a bit thin around here.

If you do go ahead be very carefull and plan for the contingency of getting found out.

Peter



SailingBum -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/9/2008 10:20:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wyndrose

I am very new to all this, and have some questions.  I have recently met someone (a dominant man) who has the potential to become very special to me.  I am happily married to a man who has NO interest in what he considers "deviant sexual practices".  Please don't get me wrong, I love my husband VERY much, and he is every inch devoted to me.  But this new interest is something we can  not share.  Do any of you have to hide things from your significant other?  Does it work out?  Up until now, I have always been completely honest with him.  If it came down to it, I would stay with my husband and not pursue this path, however, I would like to have both.  I welcome anyone's thoughts.

Wyndrose


Grow up.  Like you don't know the answer to this.

BadOne



Leatherist -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/9/2008 10:31:25 PM)

Back up and find another hobby.



simonross -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/9/2008 10:56:40 PM)

Bottom line here Rose, DONT DO IT

Think about it, if you go ahead with this, 95%  of your life will still be spent with the man you love, 5% will be spent with someone who is just going to satisfy his and your personal fetish.

Do you really want to put that 95% of your happiness at risk Rose ?

Talk to your husband, find some common ground, talk open and honestly, if he loves you, you might be suprised how far he will go to make you happy

Regards

Simon



summersprite -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/9/2008 11:26:29 PM)

Many years ago, I was fairly "happily married" and then I had an affair.... and lo and behold.... I wasn't "happily married" anymore..... End of story.



figment -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/10/2008 12:08:38 AM)

I think this is a great question to have asked, and all you people who sat in judgement should consider if you really are qualified to be casting stones.

Yes, of COURSE in a loving marriage all things are able to be communicated and worked to a mutual conclusion.  Unfortunately this is not always possible for a multitude of reasons that if you got off your high horses you would recognise.

Discovering kink for the first time is a very powerful event in anyones life, and it can be very difficult to try to reconcile that a vanilla world someone spent most of their life creating. 

Ok, rant over.  I get really short with judgemental people.

f





RCdc -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/10/2008 12:25:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wyndrose

I am very new to all this, and have some questions.  I have recently met someone (a dominant man) who has the potential to become very special to me.  I am happily married to a man who has NO interest in what he considers "deviant sexual practices".  Please don't get me wrong, I love my husband VERY much, and he is every inch devoted to me.  But this new interest is something we can  not share.  Do any of you have to hide things from your significant other?  Does it work out?  Up until now, I have always been completely honest with him.  If it came down to it, I would stay with my husband and not pursue this path, however, I would like to have both.  I welcome anyone's thoughts.

Wyndrose


First - most people will stick their own ethics and morals and will not give you a constructive answer. No one knows your situation and will judge.  Do not be afraid of judgement, just don't allow others judgements to rule you.
You are too vague about what you enjoy, the statement is too general.  BDSM is not just being tied up and beaten or other 'deviant' practises - So tating your husband finds them such without even attempting to discuss them is bad judgement on your part.  It is you saying you cannot share, not him and therefore you have made the choice.  When my ex decided he did not wish to share the experience my reaction was - yes we can - it was he who decided not to, not me.  So it is ill judged to place all the 'no thank you' on him.
Do people keep secrets?  Absolutely - if it suits their relationship.  It does not suit ours.
Can cheating work out?  From what I have seen, not in the long term and most of the time it comes out.  Just be aware of the risks and take responsibility for your actions and if you may regret it or hurt someone you do not wish to, then reconsider.
I would suggest buying some good books and asking him to read them.  Decide what path you are interested in - is it Ms, Ds, SM or is it the acts of BDSM that are your gig and talk to him.  Work it from there.  You can only have both if he is up for it being ok - even to the extent he shares you with someone - otherwise you won't have both because something will always have to give.  Just do not rush into a decision because you are and it is all new.
 
the.dark.



SailingBum -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/10/2008 12:26:43 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: figment

I think this is a great question to have asked,
f



What makes it a great question?   Since when does cheating/ lying on anything ever work out??? 

Mystified at some of the views on here.

BadOne



figment -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/10/2008 12:34:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

quote:

ORIGINAL: figment

I think this is a great question to have asked,
f



What makes it a great question?   Since when does cheating/ lying on anything ever work out??? 

Mystified at some of the views on here.

BadOne


Clearly you have had some bad experiences in your life Sailing, but one would hope that the people that hurt you did not intend to do so. 

Good for you that you have never felt the conflict that the original thread poster is feeling.

As you were then.

f



lilabbotsfordgrl -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/10/2008 12:44:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

quote:

ORIGINAL: figment

I think this is a great question to have asked,
f



What makes it a great question?   Since when does cheating/ lying on anything ever work out??? 

Mystified at some of the views on here.

BadOne


Yeah, we're mystified at some of the views on here too, but we don't go around harassing people for their views.  Hopefully this is the only time you've told someone their views are wrong and mystifying, and hopefully you don't make it a habit, eh?

To the OP, yeah I've hidden things before, and yes it kinda worked out.  But it hurt me to do it and I wouldn't do it that way again.

Like you said, you'd choose your husband over the "new interest".  Maybe take your own advice, and choose your husband.  :)



VelvetCruelty -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/10/2008 12:58:53 AM)

It often takes a great deal of courage to admit what you want, to yourself and others.  If you know for certain that your spouse would be appalled, disgusted or otherwise look at you in anything other than a loving manner, your desire to keep your secret is understood.

Before I found myself in the D/S community, I was a happily married vanilla housewife with a husband in the military, a toddler and a thriving home day care.

That all changed when he met a home wrecking slut in Tallahassee Florida while on assignment with the military.  I lost everything in an instance - because my husbands needs were not being met, and I didn't know it.

I have a married slave whom I adore.  He and I have been sessioning now for almost three years.  I find myself now in the position that I could end up being the homewrecker.

But here's the difference, at least for me:

I have absolutely no desire to ever be married again.

I would send him away if he ever started talking about leaving his wife and family.

I know if he doesn't get it from me, he'll go looking elsewhere, and at least I know, I have no desire to ruin his family.

What it comes down too is this, will you be able to look yourself in the mirror, and get up every day next to your spouse, without wishing it was your Dominant?

Can you do this, without, eventually feeling the need to unburden yourself with the guilt?

No one has the right to judge you, either way. 

I do wish you the very best of luck.



Prinsexx -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/10/2008 3:25:28 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wyndrose

I am very new to all this, and have some questions.  I have recently met someone (a dominant man) who has the potential to become very special to me.  I am happily married to a man who has NO interest in what he considers "deviant sexual practices".  Please don't get me wrong, I love my husband VERY much, and he is every inch devoted to me.  But this new interest is something we can  not share.  Do any of you have to hide things from your significant other?  Does it work out?  Up until now, I have always been completely honest with him.  If it came down to it, I would stay with my husband and not pursue this path, however, I would like to have both.  I welcome anyone's thoughts.

Wyndrose

There is only one person you are lying to at the moment and that is yourself.
Based on my own experiences? Lying to oneself never ever, I mean simply never works. Stolen fruit tastes oh so sweet but you will be banished from Paradise forever and leaving home under those circumstances costs the highest price. I am one of the ones who will admit to having cheated and I eneded up unable to sustain the lie. Once I was found out I tried to justify it by pointing to evidence of my husband's cheating. As if that meant a solution.
Losing a home is recoverable. But losing the love of another and losing one's place in a family and in a community and amongst work collegues might be far too high a price tp pay for a few hours of kink. But it may be the price you are willing to pay.
Losing one's honesty is a downward slope. I told my truth....lost three marriages and often find myself unable to explain to others why I did so in an attempt not to offend them or upset them by my disclosure of my predilactions in bdsm. I continue to pay because there is no price too high in remaining true to myself.



SadisticalDomme -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/10/2008 3:31:47 AM)

quote:


Grow up.  Like you don't know the answer to this.



ty



Prinsexx -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/10/2008 3:42:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

quote:

ORIGINAL: figment

I think this is a great question to have asked,
f



What makes it a great question?   Since when does cheating/ lying on anything ever work out??? 

Mystified at some of the views on here.

BadOne

Someone, someday, somewhere is going to enlighten you.
Then at least you will be speaking from experience rather than from judgment.



Dnomyar -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/10/2008 3:49:26 AM)

Summersprite. How can you be happily married and have an affair? [:'(] 



housesub4you -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/10/2008 4:10:55 AM)

I'm a married sub, I serve a Mistress outside my marriage. 

Now, my wife knows all about this.  Did this happen over night. No.  I walked away from this lifestyle because my wife had very little interest in it.  After years of marriage and discussing the lifestyle with her she began to learn it's a lot more than SEX.

It takes two people to make a marriage work or to screw it up.  My wife was not very understanding at first, however it was up to ME to be understanding of her point of view also and to shed light on all the BS out there about this lifestyle. 

Now several years later, I serve as a housesub/cook for Dommes.  There is nothing wrong going on, there is no sex taking place, I am serving to fulfill a need in me.  All the Mistress's  I have served in the past know up front that I am married, what my limits are and life goes on. 

I am lucky???  NO, I'm honest with my wife, it was hard work to get where we are, luck had nothing to do with it. 



Prinsexx -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/10/2008 4:16:10 AM)

Wyndrose:
I have a friend. we tell each other everything.....that's what friends are for.
She is 'happily' married. at least that's what her kids think. That's what her neighbours, her in laws and her work colleagues think.
She hopes it's also what her husband thinks but she doesn't like to think about that too much.
She has been seeing dominants over the past six years. She is happier with married dominants because they do nt make time demands upon her that she cannot keep. There is one dominant whom she sees most of the time now and she tells me she loves him and craves him and longs to be with him. She thinks he is unhappilly married because his wife cannot and will not and does not allow him to be dominant/understand him as a dominant and so on. My friend doesn't worry about her dominant's wife. She does worry though when she catches him out admitting to seeing other subs, she does get upset when he admits to chatting to others on-line even but most of all she gets deeply depressed when sje does not see him for the lengthy periods of time he is absent because she doesn't know if he is with his wife or other subs.
She sleeps next to her husband but they have no connection. They  are financially entwined. She simply believes that she will never be able to afford to cut loose and have the life she wants with the dominant she is obsessed by. She knows her dominant will never leave his wife. She gets depressed to the point where I cannot help her as a friend only in as much as I am non-judgemental and can listen to the whole story. Thre are times when she is so ill with the indecision as to be unable to really participate fully in any areas of her life.
I am telling you this story because it is just a friend I know and I want so much to tell her which way to go. As I said I do nt judge. But  I realise that even if I speak from my own experinece it will in no way solve the situation for her. Only she can do that.



sirsholly -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/10/2008 4:17:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Summersprite. How can you be happily married and have an affair? [:'(] 


you can't.



shimson -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/10/2008 4:27:49 AM)

there is the "easy"answer : no.
usaly this is an asnwer the comes from someone who doesnt have this kind of problem.
the question is if there is any way to compromise beetween he's no interst and your yerning to fulfill  yourself lets say only cyber relations?
aftter a lot of years that i was hiding my devotions and fighting myself becouse of that yearning, what made me unhappy, nervous and effect my behavior with my wife i understand that it it part of me.
so i told her ..i will say tell you that it was easy. it was hell.
but after day or 2 we agreed that we love each other, we dont want to brake things so we has to compromise.
the compromise was that i will never will have a real time acting, i canm fulfill myself online and she dosn't want to know from this.
done wonderful things to our relations, and made me descover a wonderful world of obedience 



pixidustpet -> RE: Hiding it from your spouse? (6/10/2008 4:56:54 AM)

i'm polyamorous.  i was married when i was introduced to BDSM.  or, i was married when i first knew what it was like in person.  wolf and i are married 16 years today, and we're divorcing.  one of the things i cannot forgive in him is him calling me a "freak" because i have some specific needs that he will not meet.

i'll say that you cannot unring a bell, and you cannot unopen a door.  oh, you can close it again, but once you find you have a craving for certain activities, you wont be entirely happy with 100% vanilla sex again, no matter how good it is.  and lying is NEVER a good thing, no matter how justified you may think you are in lying, all it does is drive a wedge between you and your partner.  i've been the cheated-on wife, and i know how broken it made me feel inside...i wouldnt do that to a partner, ever again.

wolf knew about Daddy, but his preference in poly has always been "tell me you're safe, its all i care about, i dont want to meet the other guy"  although i've known most of his g/f's.  wolf knows about TheEngineer, and will HAVE to deal with him for a couple of hours next week....and will have to deal with him being our imp's stepfather in the future. 

yes, BDSM can be a very good thing.  however, you need to balance out how good it is with the consequences of everything you may lose if you lie to your spouse and are caught.  if you think its a worthwhile risk, then go for it.  but you really need to think of what you could do to your family (husband, little ones) if it blows up in your face.

kitten



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