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RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 5:53:18 AM

Prinsexx

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I +don't belong to a group and don't go to any groups. I only play privately. But I wouldn't like to pass judgment on any group. That's like saying I have never eaten goat's cheese but I wouldn't like it.
Time permitting and were I to get an invitation yes I would attend a group if only because life is to short not to at some point.
Invites please anyone?

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RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 5:53:34 AM

Wolfandkitten

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quote:

ORIGINAL: StrangerThan

There is nothing about groups or clubs that make you real or not real. Anyone who states otherwise is simply full of shit. It's their opinion and we all know what opinions are like. What groups and clubs are good for, is what someone noted above, the socialization and the learning. That doesn't mean you have to be a card carrying member and attend every function. It doesn't mean you have to play. It doesn't mean you even really have to be involved with anything. Good places will have good structure. Good structure means the option to participate is there if you want it, not if you don't. And if you don't, don't. Exercising that choice doesn't make you less of a submissive or a less of a Dominant. It makes you human. Choose what you involve yourself in. Don't let others do it for you. But certainly take the time to at least look. No harm, no foul, and if you walk away knowing hell no, well then you've solved one riddle in life and the next time someone says, why not? You can tell them exactly why not.

As far as power struggles go, avoid them. No one needs that kind of drama in life and places where people struggle to control everyone else are places that, at least from what I've seen, tend to breed drama.

But don't fall into the trap of letting someone else tell you that you're not real because you're not carrying a membership from some group somewhere.

Amen.

Wolf

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Post #: 22

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 5:54:41 AM

KatyLied

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Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
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quote:

To Katy as well:

Although I have neve attended any munches, I have read alot of info on a few of the ones that happen in my area. I have to say ....I have NEVER read anything even close to what you were describing...in fact the allure of most of the munches around here is the fact that the intention is to appear as vanilla as possible for a more comfortable environment.

I've read that they are supposed to be vanilla-type events, but they certainly, from my experience, are not. That is why I will never attend another one. I think it's tacky.

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Post #: 23

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 5:58:24 AM

mistoferin

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Fears can be a good thing that can keep you safe. They can also become a prison that holds you back from ever actually living the life you say you want. I know that you've been on here now for several years and from everything you have posted it would seem like you really haven't gotten up the courage to get out there. So I guess I would try to determine if those fears are indeed at a healthy level...or are they what is holding you back from realizing your dreams?

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Post #: 24

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 6:00:45 AM

Wolfandkitten

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Fears can be a good thing that can keep you safe. They can also become a prison that holds you back from ever actually living the life you say you want. I know that you've been on here now for several years and from everything you have posted it would seem like you really haven't gotten up the courage to get out there. So I guess I would try to determine if those fears are indeed at a healthy level...or are they what is holding you back from realizing your dreams?

Fantastic insight and very well put......

Why do I feel like I'm grading mid-terms or something......lmao

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Post #: 25

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 6:02:41 AM

mistoferin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolfandkitten
Fantastic insight and very well put......

Why do I feel like I'm grading mid-terms or something......lmao

Cool, does that mean I can get out early or go to the head of the class or something???

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Post #: 26

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 6:06:40 AM

Wolfandkitten

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolfandkitten
Fantastic insight and very well put......

Why do I feel like I'm grading mid-terms or something......lmao

Cool, does that mean I can get out early or go to the head of the class or something???

Wayyyyyyyy tooo many innuendos for me to touch that one..........

_____________________________

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There is only one, that I have, or ever will collar, my wife, my love, my soul-mate, my destiny.....my kitten.

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Post #: 27

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 6:06:44 AM

Archer

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If it was "typical" then why were there folks who were "mortified" one would think if it was typical they would have been desensitized to it. I've never seen that level of behaviour at a munch either, in fact such attention seeking behaviour has always been discouraged.

To the OP
Gas prices and cars with strangers: distances and gas costs are certainly going to be reducing alot of people's social activities.
Strangers driving you, good thinking not to do so, unless you make a social freind of another same gender same orientation person and attend such social things as buddies. (the old buddy system rarely a bad idea).

Knifeplay demo: Feel that it's a squick factor you couldn't handle Ok that's a valid reason not to attend but only THIS month I really doubt that they are doing knifeplay demos every month. SO next month this reason solves itself.

Monthly dinner: Well the dinner doesn't obligate you to continue the evening at the dungeon. It's a munch dinner you go you eat you socialize you go home. Alone? (Again the idea of the buddy system applies).

Politics of D/s groups: Yep just like any other group once the size reaches some critical mass of egos there will be schisms.
These things tend to go in sine wave cycles everywhere. Groups split time passes groups fail and everyone ends up back in one or two groups again things get ugly again folks split off and form their own groups, time passes groups fail and again everyone ends up in one or two groups again. Thing is anyone with a mind to can avoid 98% of the conflicts and simply mind their own business in the groups and never have the politics effect them directly.

Must be a group member to be "real":
While I've seen many advocates of joining groups for benifits ABCDEFG. I think the idea that there are a large number of folks who think you must join attend etc to be real is overstated by those who want to find fault with the idea of groups.
There are a small number who believe it, but they are by far the minority.

Yes, i'd have D/s F/friends -- but i already have some terrific O/ones:
Yay so you already have a source of freinds to use as a buddy list to attend. One problem solved.
Additionally so adding more D/s freinds would hurt you or benifit you how?

There are benifits to attending demos and classes, I'm sure there are drawbacks to attending demos (although I'm hard presed to think of even one myself). Your post really is striking me personally as I want to find a way to not do what these folks say would be a benifit without feeling that I'm missing anything. So I'll collect all the excuses/reasons and seek support for my position.

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 28

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 6:11:41 AM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

I've gone to two munches offered by two different groups. From both of those experiences I learned that attending munches is definitely not for me. If you think there is a "fresh meat" thing going on on-line, it's much worse at real time events. And some of the behavior is tacky. If that is what you have to do to be considered real, I say no thanks. I'm not in to sitting topless at a restaurant and charging other munch members $1/person for a peek at my breasts. I didn't even realize this was typical munch behavior until I attended a munch.

That may be typical for the munches in your area, but I have to say there are three different munches in my state and I've never seen that type of behavior (being topless).

C~

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Post #: 29

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 6:12:22 AM

KatyLied

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From: Pennsylvania
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quote:

If it was "typical" then why were there folks who were "mortified" one would think if it was typical they would have been desensitized to it.

Maybe a better word choice would have been embarrassed. A few seemed to be embarrassed enough to walk over to me before I left. But they didn't need to be. I was embarrassed for them. I think some of them realized that it wasn't the thing people who were new to their group had enjoyed.

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Post #: 30

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 6:14:33 AM

cinmin

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Joined: 7/24/2004
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Hello from down South. i run the local BDSM group down here on the MS Gulf Coast. i can assure you that we have never ever had anyone topless at one of our munches. *grin* We do not allow (and to be honest have never had a problem with) trolling at the munches. A munch is supposed to be a venue to give new people a comfortable and safe atmosphere to get to know others and to explore the lifestyle safely. Just because you have heard or even experienced bad things with a group out there does not mean they are all like that.

i have seen other groups that do seem to have alot of politics going on but i guess we are lucky that we are more of a kinky family than anything else. In my experience the groups run by a council or Dominants are the ones that have the fighting and politics going on....it's hard for all those Dominants to compromise, i guess LOL. i'm a submissive and enjoy the service aspect and yet can manage to run the group without fighting. i've also been to and seen a couple of other groups that were run by submissives that seemed to run alot smoother. *shrugs*

Just my observation. Don't condemn them all for one or two bad apples please?

cinmin

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 31

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 6:15:37 AM

Archer

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Joined: 3/11/2005
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The topless thing would tend to get one banned from most of the munches I have ever attended. Especially when you add in the fact that it was done for a collection of money. Most of the outragious behaviour I have ever seen at events where money was collected were Charity events where the hat was passed and the person "suffered the humiliation" in order to raise money for a charity.

I know I've seen and done some pretty silly outragious things and even plan to do more but only when it's for a cause.

(in reply to Wildfleurs)

Post #: 32

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 6:37:11 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
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From: Savannah, GA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

If it was "typical" then why were there folks who were "mortified" one would think if it was typical they would have been desensitized to it.

Maybe a better word choice would have been embarrassed. A few seemed to be embarrassed enough to walk over to me before I left. But they didn't need to be. I was embarrassed for them. I think some of them realized that it wasn't the thing people who were new to their group had enjoyed.

Katy.. or they were emabarrased because that sort of thing DOESNT normally happen in their group.

Although.. as someone else stated (thedark, I think), had I been an organizer of the munch, the offending party would have been asked to stop, or leave...

I've never been to a munch where ANYTHING like that has happened.

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Post #: 33

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 7:08:19 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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I always suggest people go just so they can make their own informed opinions- but there's no rush to it, "There's always another event." I am slow to get into things, and I have no problem quietly removing myself from groups I was once active with because the attitudes shift away from what makes me happy.

Also, I don't create unreasonable expectations.

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Post #: 34

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 7:09:11 AM

sweetnurseBBW

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In our area we have a group that is poorly run and one that is not. Don't judge all by the actions of one. Sometimes you have to shop around a bit to find the one that fits you.

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RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 7:13:00 AM

Dnomyar

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Someone can always start their own group. I have to say that only collecting a dollar to look she must have been flat chested.

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Post #: 36

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 7:29:14 AM

peppermint

Posts: 5170
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

I've read that they are supposed to be vanilla-type events, but they certainly, from my experience, are not. That is why I will never attend another one. I think it's tacky.

Some people are fortunate to live near a big city where there are more than one munch group available. That way you can pick and choose a group that you feel comfortable with and has similar ethics. It is unfortunate that your experience was not better. We attend munches wherever we are traveling. So far we have been fortunate in finding mostly nice people although some groups are more welcoming of those passing through than others. We avoid the power struggles in groups that have been mentioned earlier because we have never lived close enough to a group to become involved in how it's run. So we have a trade off....we don't go to munch often because we're not near one and we miss the socializing with others....but we avoid some of the negative power struggles that always involve groups.

That being said, i've heard of play party groups that have changed and evolved over time...and not in a good way.... to where most of the original members won't even attend a party any longer. We all exercise our right of choice to attend or not.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 37

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 7:46:47 AM

Mercnbeth

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~ Fast Reply ~

We've been to countless munches; some good, some bad. We were at a fun one last night, a bit unique because the venue, usually pretty low key on a Tuesday was packed due to the basketball game being broadcast. You can listen to both sides of the debate and come up with a rationalization to attend or stay home. Most likely you came in convinced one way or the other and you found comments supporting a decision you already made. Well, good for you. One thing we've never seen at a munch is anyone handing out 'real' name-tag badges. Here is another well kept secret. If you show up at a munch, commonly held at a public venue like a restaurant, and you don't like what you see or the people - you can LEAVE!? Amazing huh?

Are there really that many who can't form an opinion unilaterally? If your favorite actor gets a bad review is that enough to stop you from seeing their next movie? The other matter is taste and also timing. If you attended our South Bay Munch last night it was loud and kinda rowdy due to the fact that the Laker / Celtic game was on at the venue. Come to the 4th Thursday gathering and it may be low key and resemble a church group or PTA board meeting. Coming to one and you can walk away thinking the group is too rowdy or too tame.

Why do we go? We like people and love being social. We've made friends. We become involved in the community. The common thread in a munch group is WIITWD. Trust me, the dynamic between people and enjoyment level varies just like it does in other similar settings with common threads ranging from wine tasting to quilting.

The best way to insure that your prejudice and pre-conceived notions are perpetuated is to stay home. Don't go - and you'll miss more than you'll be missed.

Regarding the $1/peek munch; where is that? It seems to be a great way to make gas money. In New Orleans all beth received was beads!

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 38

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 7:53:27 AM

SimplyMichael

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NO DECENT POSTER ON THIS FORUM HAS

E~ V~ E~ R

SAID GOING TO A GROUP MAKES YOU REAL.

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Post #: 39

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 8:10:32 AM

SimplyMichael

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Okay, I feel better now...

First munch I went to was the only one in town and if I had been a woman I would have never come back or perhaps my experience would have been different because I was a woman. The group was run by and for one man as his little poly harem (and I realize many poly people act with far more class) and the women went around giving "huggles" which was essentially a grope fest. Even as a horny guy it made me uncomfortable. The whole group was a giant inside club. They eventually banned hugs.

In towns with one group, I am sure some are wonderful and I bet some are fucking horrible. However, if they are horrible, what is the worst that can happen by going and finding out which they ACTUALLY are? Also, think about this, I went to those munches off and on for years. You could have met me or someone like me there...at that horrible munch.

Years later there are a couple of people at that horrible munch who are dear friends of mine.

I formed a new group (and caused that awful schism!) because I wanted fancier and more sensual parties. The group I formed had far more "normal" munches that were not meat markets (as much as any place where people who love advanced sex and are meeting others who love sex can not be a meat market) and were places where we just met and talked.

Years later, we have a vibrant local scene, one VERY different from San Francisco as many of the leaders here are in monogamous relationships, one that is rather fabulous. My growth as a person was driven by my involvement in the scene, I would not be the person I am today if I hadn't seen other people growing, if I hadn't seen other people being more healthy, having less drama. Yes, lots of that growth would have happened at some point but am I sure? No. I do know it happened a lot faster because of my involvement.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 40

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