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RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 8:12:10 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

If you show up at a munch, commonly held at a public venue like a restaurant, and you don't like what you see or the people - you can LEAVE!? Amazing huh?

Unless you shared a ride.
And I have left, I decided that munches are not the place for me and I do not hold it against anyone who does not attend or enjoy munches because I understand what goes on at them and how uncomfortable it can be.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 41

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 8:18:52 AM

urtoy

Posts: 55
Joined: 4/23/2004
Status: offline

I simply don't participate in group activities, for two basic reasons:
1. I feel strongly that cwertain activities are best conducted in private; and
2. I prefer meeting/getting to know people one-on -one.

(in reply to StrangerThan)

Post #: 42

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 8:27:12 AM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

Umm in all the munches i've ever attended stuff like that wouldn't of been allowed or tolerated by the hostess of the munch, nor the restaraunt. But other munches varry and I understand that just cause ours don't don't mean others don't./

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

I'm not in to sitting topless at a restaurant and charging other munch members $1/person for a peek at my breasts. I didn't even realize this was typical munch behavior until I attended a munch.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 43

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 8:37:41 AM

SingleRarity

Posts: 320
Joined: 9/13/2006
Status: offline

This is to no one in particular, but more of a general question that I think of everytime I see one of the munch threads; Where are all of these nutty munches? Daddy and I have been to quite a few, but we never experienced anything as weird or as crazy as what some of you have posted. Maybe we've just been lucky but the most of the scenesters we know are pretty normal. I've always wanted to meet the UberDom, that would demand I drop to my knees in IHOP. I want the chance to laugh in his face!!

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)

Post #: 44

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 8:42:49 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL KatyLied: I understand what goes on at them...

Katy,
No you don't, anymore than I do. You 'understand' what went on at the munch or munches you've attended, I 'understand' what occurred at the ones I have attended. That understanding is perspective driven and is no insurance or guarantee that I 'understand' what will happen at the next scheduled munch. Both our observations and/or 'understandings' is past incident specific.

quote:

ORIGINAL KatyLied: I'm not in to sitting topless at a restaurant and charging other munch members $1/person for a peek at my breasts. I didn't even realize this was typical munch behavior until I attended a munch.

For instance calling this "typical munch behavior" is very specific to your experience. But even this issue, for some, may be a draw as much as it is an aversion for you.

quote:

ORIGINAL KatyLied: Unless you shared a ride.

Making a choice to share a ride should involve a level of trust beyond the economics. Anytime we've shared a ride with anybody it was with the understanding that if anyone was uncomfortable the ride-share vehicle would leave. Without that - make sure you have cab fare.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 45

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 8:46:24 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

Well I will admit that I thought I was going to a dinner-type munch and hadn't planned on the fact that there would be any behavior that I would find rude/tacky, so yes, I should've taken my car. It was definitely a "my bad" on my part for not thinking about what the possibilities could include. My views on munches were pretty much crystallized as a result of that event, I don't feel I have much to offer that sort of venue and they don't have anything to offer me.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 46

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 8:57:48 AM

pinksugarsub

Posts: 1224
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Fears can be a good thing that can keep you safe. They can also become a prison that holds you back from ever actually living the life you say you want. I know that you've been on here now for several years and from everything you have posted it would seem like you really haven't gotten up the courage to get out there. So I guess I would try to determine if those fears are indeed at a healthy level...or are they what is holding you back from realizing your dreams?

erin, i'm trying to be patient and dispassionate but i admit it's not easy. WTF leads S/some P/pl on the boards to think -- ya, i've read this member's posts pretty often = i know s'thing about T/them in real life?

i have 'gotten out there'. Yr assumptions about my r/l are just guesses -- and you seem to guess wrong a lot.

Some of my Ops and posts have had 'autobiographical' information in them, but not much, and not many.

When i post, i am seeking a discussion of the topic -- not a 'net-based amatuer attempt at an analysis of my personality.

i'm asking you politely to knock it off.

pinksugarsub

_____________________________

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 47

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 8:59:39 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

Pinky, I still think you should consider starting out small. Make friends with some sub/slaves in your area and meet them for lunch or dinner, you may be surprised at what develops. From that point perhaps you can consider a foray into a munch or demo situation, going with them. Or you may come to find that just meeting with a few people at a time is more your thing.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 48

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 9:04:36 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

As someone who runs a group and is currently a member of several more, I can tell you there can be a lot of drama. People are people regardless of bdsm, and they bring along their personalities when they join a group. And for some reason, bdsm has its own drama that people add to the works. That can be a volitile combo.
My own group is moderated. I don't allow hissy fits, tantums, and have had to go offline to bring issues to a resolution. Fortunately that doesn't happen often. I think it is because we are moderated and things are not allowed to burst into flames. The result is we are a very active social group. When we do "munch", we munch as people who are just as social as we are. We have also had meet and greets which are a step further than a munch in that there may be a demo, along with a meal. As far as parties go, you pretty much have to know the dungeon owner to join. They don't let just anyone in to a party, they need to meet them and like them enough to ask them in. Which means if you don't belong to something, or know someone who knows them, has no chance of ever joining in at a party.
This is a game of socialization. Until we get some sort of public dungeon around here, being social is the way to meet and play.
Kyst

< Message edited by Missokyst -- 6/11/2008 9:10:16 AM >

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 49

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 9:17:29 AM

pinksugarsub

Posts: 1224
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Pinky, I still think you should consider starting out small. Make friends with some sub/slaves in your area and meet them for lunch or dinner, you may be surprised at what develops. From that point perhaps you can consider a foray into a munch or demo situation, going with them. Or you may come to find that just meeting with a few people at a time is more your thing.

Katy, lemme say this first. It does not matter to me if 1,000 P/pl post about how fabu munches are. i believe you about what you say happened, and i think yr decision not to pursue that type of gathering again is perfectly reasonable.

i ty for yr suggestion. i have tried -- in various ways -- to meet local P/pl, especially others submissives and slaves. So far, no joy. i had tentative plans to meet a submissive who lives about 45 minutes from me, but that was before she became seriously ill and gas prices went through the roof.

So far, i've only succeeded in meeting local Doms...and these are little 'coffee' dates. There's a motive -- deciding whether W/we 'like' E/each O/other -- that seems to foreclose any possibility of friendship.

The local Doms i'm friends with i met thru this site, and They are 'attached'. i also have Dom friends who i've not met in real life, but who call and IM frequently, and who are very caring to me.

For all of that, i still miss having a local female submissive friend to hang with and such. My girlfriends have always supported me in a different way than my Men friends. i don't think it's any different in D/s.

i don't know what the deal is. i live in a 3rd or 4th market city, not the boonies. It shouldn't be so hard, but so far, it has been.

pinksugarsub

< Message edited by pinksugarsub -- 6/11/2008 9:23:44 AM >

_____________________________

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 50

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 9:22:35 AM

CrazyC

Posts: 949
Joined: 9/28/2006
Status: offline

OP,
I can understand that after talking to two people who seem to be full of drama of not wanting ot be part of a group. Then you have your long list of reason why you wouldn't want to either. But if you feel this strong about it, why do you need to post it here? Are you needing confirmation or are you questioning your reasoning?

I don't know any community that doesn't have drama. Even the out of city community that i go to just for fun is full of drama that i ignore. And my own community is full of people talking about the other. What is funnier is the whole "I'm not talking bad about them but...." or "They say this about me but...." This type of talking can scare someone away from ever meeting new people, but usually these are that individual's biases. Things like that are keeping you away from friends who can really be there for you during hard times.

Also the only way to grow it to explore new things, have diffrent experiences, and create new memories. These can only happen when all the excuses are showen to be false. Who said you can't meet one of the local members face to face before deciding to carpool? I realized just the other day how i was using excuses to try to get out of dealing with my own inner termoil. I kept telling this guy we would play, but always had an excuse of not meeting with him. The truth....I wasn't ready since I am still dealing with a bad break-up.

It is up to you, but you never know tell you try. I wouldn't give up my community for the world, even with all it's drama. And the special friends i have made through being there. Many of them have helped me through some tough times. So thankful that they made sure i didn't put myself in a hole or disappear from the community. Calling me to just check how i am doing, and others forcing me to go out and have fun. I have also explored areas in BDSM that i thought might be hard limits to find them to be just part of my many kinks.

_____________________________

"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back." Barbara De Angelis

(in reply to StrangerThan)

Post #: 51

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 9:27:04 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

pink,
I wasn't trying to make a "net based amateur attempt at analyzing your personality". You posted about your fears. I posted because I'm just as human as you and I have had fears that have kept me from things also. They weren't in regard to BDSM or lifestyle stuff...but they were still fears that kept me back. I posted what I did because ultimately that is how I figured out what fears were rational, what fears I could overcome and what fears I could just let go of. When someone does post consistently for a couple of years, you do get a feeling like you know a little about them, assuming of course you are taking them at their word. That doesn't mean you "know" them...only what they have shared. Sorry it offended you....rest assured I will not try to offer my perspective to you again. Be well and I hope you find happiness.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 52

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 9:39:25 AM

slavegirljoy

Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinksugarsub

i just joined the Yahoo Group for a D/s group in Akron, about an hour away. i've been reading their daily email notices about upcoming events. It's dawned on me i may never attend one of their events. (This is the dilemma part.)

pinksugarsub

i understand and totally relate to your dilemma. i'm the same way. i feel uncomfortable showing up to groups, that are already established and the people there already know each other, and i am the "new one". Even going to vanilla groups, such as an amputee support group or a veterans group, is uncomfortable for me, the first time.

i belong to several groups on Yahoo, also, some kink related and some not. Most, if not all of these groups have a member's list, which gives some information about them such as, gender, age, email, etc. When i join these groups, i post an introduction and, usually someone writes to me at my Yahoo address and welcomes me to the group and introduces themself to me. This is one way to get to know another member of the group, on-line, first.

Also, by reading the posts, i get a feel for where people are coming from and there's usually at least one that i feel a rapport with and i will write to them privately and start a 'get acquainted' correspondence with them.

At some point, when there is an upcoming event, either i will be asked by or, i will ask, the person i have been corresponding with, if the other will be going and, if so, would we like to meet, beforehand and arrive at the event together. That way, i don't have to show up alone and i know at least one person who already knows other people and can make some introductions for me.

Of course, i have only done this with vanilla groups but, the same approach could be used with BD/SM groups, as well, i suppose.

Any way, you aren't alone, with this issue and, i wish you well in your search for a good group to join, 'offline'.

joy

Owned servant of Master David

_____________________________

Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. ~Dr. Howard Thurman

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 53

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 9:43:53 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

I'm going to suggest here that this happens to you, in particular, because you are 1) a prolific poster and 2) you put a lot of very personal (in MY mind) information out there.

I don't do that for just what you've stated below. Few if any here know me even the slightest bit in RT (perhaps one or two) and I don't particularly care for a bunch of strangers deciding on the strength of what I show here, they know me.

If you do put stuff out there, people will make judgements and comments. You must be willing to receive them if you're going to post the way you do -- no, let me rephrase that -- you should understand that is going to happen. You don't have to be willing to receive them.

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinksugarsub

erin, i'm trying to be patient and dispassionate but i admit it's not easy. WTF leads S/some P/pl on the boards to think -- ya, i've read this member's posts pretty often = i know s'thing about T/them in real life?

i have 'gotten out there'. Yr assumptions about my r/l are just guesses -- and you seem to guess wrong a lot.

Some of my Ops and posts have had 'autobiographical' information in them, but not much, and not many.

When i post, i am seeking a discussion of the topic -- not a 'net-based amatuer attempt at an analysis of my personality.

< Message edited by Madame4a -- 6/11/2008 9:44:33 AM >

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 54

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 9:46:50 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

i don't know what the deal is. i live in a 3rd or 4th market city, not the boonies. It shouldn't be so hard, but so far, it has been.

Oh I don't know, perhaps because you avoid doing anything more than someone living 1,000 miles from civilzation could do?

I live near San Francisco, a fairly well established kink friendly city with sex/bdsm club that is open to the general public, another huge dungeon that is only open to scene folks, another dungeon a bit to the south, various pro-domme houses that can be rented and occasionally host parties etc. They have Folsom Street Fair where they shut down a major avenue for tens of blocks and have an open BDSM party in the streets with people from all over the world taking over the city.

While I am not a major player I get around enough to recognize people, almost NONE of the people from SF that have profiles on CM do I recognize, most of the women are either fake (meaning men pretending to be women) and many of the rest are nutjobs. There are a handful that seem like sane people who I just haven't run into somewhere.

When I was single and hitting on local women left and right, I never got a response from any of them.

So the fact you can't meet anyone local on the internet doesn't surprise me.

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 55

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 9:48:10 AM

pinksugarsub

Posts: 1224
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrazyC

OP,
I can understand that after talking to two people who seem to be full of drama of not wanting ot be part of a group. Then you have your long list of reason why you wouldn't want to either. But if you feel this strong about it, why do you need to post it here? Are you needing confirmation or are you questioning your reasoning?

I don't know any community that doesn't have drama. Even the out of city community that i go to just for fun is full of drama that i ignore. And my own community is full of people talking about the other. What is funnier is the whole "I'm not talking bad about them but...." or "They say this about me but...." This type of talking can scare someone away from ever meeting new people, but usually these are that individual's biases. Things like that are keeping you away from friends who can really be there for you during hard times.

Also the only way to grow it to explore new things, have diffrent experiences, and create new memories. These can only happen when all the excuses are showen to be false. Who said you can't meet one of the local members face to face before deciding to carpool? I realized just the other day how i was using excuses to try to get out of dealing with my own inner termoil. I kept telling this guy we would play, but always had an excuse of not meeting with him. The truth....I wasn't ready since I am still dealing with a bad break-up.

It is up to you, but you never know tell you try. I wouldn't give up my community for the world, even with all it's drama. And the special friends i have made through being there. Many of them have helped me through some tough times. So thankful that they made sure i didn't put myself in a hole or disappear from the community. Calling me to just check how i am doing, and others forcing me to go out and have fun. I have also explored areas in BDSM that i thought might be hard limits to find them to be just part of my many kinks.

i posted the Op to initiate a discussion of 'dilemmas' P/pl might have faced in deciding whether to attend a group function, and what T/their decision-making might have been.

i thought it would be a topic of interest to M/many -- or at least S/some -- O/other members.

The Op is about s'thing i encountered, but it was intended to generate a discussion -- not furnish me personally with assistance.

The drama and gossip that you say goes on at yr group would get me to leave. i am self-protective and i have a 'zero tolerance policy' for drama and bullsh*t.

It's a personal decision-point for me. N/no O/one has to endorse it.

i haven't heard anything negative about the group i joined. i'm hoping it's a stable and well-run group.

If i end up going, and i'm disappointed, it won't be any biggie.

pinksugarsub

< Message edited by pinksugarsub -- 6/11/2008 9:52:59 AM >

_____________________________

(in reply to CrazyC)

Post #: 56

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 9:51:27 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Pink,

Trust me, you will hate it and best stay home, I think it would be best for you and that poor group.

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 57

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 9:58:12 AM

pinksugarsub

Posts: 1224
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Pink,

Trust me, you will hate it and best stay home, I think it would be best for you and that poor group.

For the 100th time, i'm not asking P/pl what i should do -- the Op seeks input from P/pl who dealt with this T/themselves and how that worked.

i don't know how to 'read' yr post because it could be serious, or tongue in cheek, or sarcastic, or s'thing else entirely.

pinksugarsub

_____________________________

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 58

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 10:08:34 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

However you take Michaels post, he has a point thought pinkie.
If someone doesn't like drama, instability, or bullshit. Then don't attend any munch because it does happen. And if people aren't mature enough to deal with someone elses bad behaviour then don't attend.

If someone started flashing their breasts at a munch held in a public venue - I would tell them to grow the fuck up. That they are putting the munch in a difficult position with the public and with the proprieters. If that did not help, I would get up and leave, unless I was helping out and then they would be asked to leave.
If someone is gossiping, I put my hand up and go - no thanks, go spill your filth in someone elses ear.

This forum is basically a munch. If you avoid all the drama, the bullshit and the gossip - if you can get past the cliques - then there are other people who you can find out you can count on or get great info from. If you avoided CM like you do munches, just think of the people whos' friendships you would have missed out on?

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 59

RE: D/s Groups & the Dilemma - 6/11/2008 10:23:42 AM

pinksugarsub

Posts: 1224
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

pink,
I wasn't trying to make a "net based amateur attempt at analyzing your personality". You posted about your fears. I posted because I'm just as human as you and I have had fears that have kept me from things also. They weren't in regard to BDSM or lifestyle stuff...but they were still fears that kept me back. I posted what I did because ultimately that is how I figured out what fears were rational, what fears I could overcome and what fears I could just let go of. When someone does post consistently for a couple of years, you do get a feeling like you know a little about them, assuming of course you are taking them at their word. That doesn't mean you "know" them...only what they have shared. Sorry it offended you....rest assured I will not try to offer my perspective to you again. Be well and I hope you find happiness.

Ty erin. i guess i don't 'get' you very well....i'll try harder.

Best wishes to you too.

pinksugarsub

_____________________________

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 60

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