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Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 6:31:39 AM

pinksugarsub

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i've had girlfriends -- with kids -- move house across the country to begin living with their new Dom. Only one ever contacted me again after the move -- and she had a sad tale of being 'released' after 2 weeks, stranded without money, etc.

i have lived alone, for the most part, since my UM graduated high school. (She spent a couple of summers with me while she was in college, but that was the end of our cohabititation.)

i am selfsh, i guess. All the food is mine. All the cigarettes are mine. The tv is always on the channel i like. i can sleep however i want. i am nakkie in the house all summer.

Maybe more importantly, my townhouse is part of an unusal 'cooperative' and is rent-controlled. It took all of the savings i had left to move in here, and if i ever left, i could never get it together to get back in. the rent-control rate i pay is a big part of how i have managed to create a safe and stable life for myself.

So, for a variety of reasons, i am beginning to think what i want is a D/s relationship in which W/we maintain separate households. In this emerging notion of what i want, i am responsible for my house and He is responsible for His. i'm not spending my days cleaning and cooking.

When i realised i might feel this way i was totally surprised. i had always envisioned U/us sharing a home -- probably His home. Maybe i still do. Maybe it depends on what might happen in the future.

But maybe i want to stay put and not share, apart from when W/we've agreed to see E/each O/other.

Any thoughts?

pinksugarsub

< Message edited by pinksugarsub -- 6/11/2008 6:35:00 AM >

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RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 6:42:13 AM

KatyLied

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I am in a similar situation. I have a home. Which I love, with an affordable mortgage. I will never be able to find a house similar with the same mortgage payment. I consider myself wedded to my house and it would take something huge to make me consider giving it up. I've been separated/divorced for almost 11 years. I enjoy my freedom to come and go as I please, to not have to cook for anyone, to sit around in shorts and a t-shirt, to do the dishes when I want, to take my bike out for 3 hours at a time and not worry that I'm harshing someone else's plans, to sit out on the deck reading for a few hours, etc. I love my independence to the degree that I think it would be difficult for me to share space with another person 24/7. I also do not like the idea of having to share my finances with another person. I work two jobs in order to have the money I need for things and have money to blow on things I want and so I am able to help my kids with things they need. I don't want another person dictating to me regarding money.

At the very least I would have a load of negotiables going into a longterm D/s situation and I'm not sure many men would be able to get that or even want to try.

I think I could share space with the right person. But there would have to be a lot right about that person. I'm not aching to share space with another person. A relationship, yes, but not necessarily under the same roof. Not unless he's perfect.

edit because I can't spell

< Message edited by KatyLied -- 6/11/2008 6:44:46 AM >

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RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 6:49:40 AM

WhiplashSmile2

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There's nothing wrong with wanting to live alone.

< Message edited by WhiplashSmile2 -- 6/11/2008 6:59:33 AM >

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RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 6:53:35 AM

mistoferin

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I think that ultimately only you can decide what you want and that asking for the opinions of others hasn't helped you much. I know this is going to sound really bad and I assure you that I really don't mean it that way....but pink, you have to be one of the most indecisive and confused people I have ever encountered. I know that you are an intelligent woman (if memory serves me right you are an attorney). But it does appear that you either really can't figure out what it is that you want or you are just not convicted to getting it. For example, you have one thread running about knowing what you want, one that says you are afraid of what you want...and this one that seems to say that you are not sure what you want. Reading the history of your threads is like going for a ride on a rollercoaster combo Tilt-A-Whirl. Maybe....and I'm not trying to tell you what to do, just a suggestion....maybe you might consider stepping back from your search for a partner and doing some searching of your soul until you decide what will ultimately fulfill you. Granted, I know that our minds can change and that sometimes things that we thought we just had to have can become kind of meaningless when we find someone we click with....that is pretty common. But I do think it helps when you figure out the big stuff first. Anyway, hope you are not offended...I wasn't trying to. Just offering a perspective from an outside view.

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RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 6:54:26 AM

DiurnalVampire

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From: Nashville, TN
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I am looking forward to giving up living alone. I rent an apartment, it is not home yet. I am looking for a house as soon as I am in the financial position to get one. I have all the time in the world to myself, and after a year I am ready for company on a regular basis again. Fox will be moving in short term next semester. When I finally go get my house, the plan is that either both boys will move to me or Angel will maintain his own apartment and Fox will be with me. Because of where Angel works and the hours he keeps, being close to work is important and the place he has now is about as prime as hed get.
I prefer having someone else there, even if we are not constantly doing things together.

DV

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RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 7:02:19 AM

JohnWarren

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Why are you assuming you would move in with him?

After Libby and I got to know each other, I quit my job in New York and moved in with her at her place in Boston. It seemed perfectly natural and there was never any friction about who owned the place.

Of course, it became moot after we got married.

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RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 7:09:57 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Agreed- whatever works for you and there's no reason he couldn't move in with you.

For me, I found a balance was in creating a shared home together, but maintaining separate bedrooms. I certainly don't feel stifled considering we do share the same bed a great majority of the time, but just knowing that the space IS there on the time we do need focus on ourselves is very comforting and enjoyable.

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RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 7:12:42 AM

Prinsexx

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I had three nilla marriages which all seemed to depend upon me being there to maintain house. I have 'sacked' all three husbands. I have three UM's all of whom I have raised virtually single-handedly The house is open house to teenagers running in and out. Iendure they have a freedom which I was not given when I was young. These are the two main factors which make me very guarded against living with any one person again 24/7.
I have three jobs. I value my time away from lecturing and have always loved the holidays that the profession has afforded me. I take private clients and use an area of my house to do that. I write and usually write whenever and whereever the inspiration takes me. I write in the middle of the night and the small hours particulalrly fluently.
I am a gypsy by nature. I can sleep where I want in the house and I actually love sleeping on the floor.
I can sleep in the afternoons if I want. All of these factore mitigate agaimst living with someone else 24/7.
I live time-wise equidistant from two main creative and cukltural cebtres; London and Oxford. Few of my work-related or socially related creative friends have normal lifestyles or work nine til five. It's a freedom I have worked long and hard to achieve also.
But why I ask is it possible for most people to conceive that a marriage can survive when two people live at a distance or even in different homes. (epecially when both partners have an intense love of their work) but not understand bdsm 24/7 in the same light??
Bdsm is no different. The concept of 24/7 is temporal and not spatial anyway. I have been owned 24/7 and we did not live together. Psychological bondage just played a fundamental role. Thankfully the state of being owned and living for the most part alone are not incompatable conditions.

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RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 7:19:06 AM

KatyLied

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My concerns are global to my life in its entirety and not a lifestyle issue thing.

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RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 7:38:57 AM

RCdc

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnWarren

Why are you assuming you would move in with him?

After Libby and I got to know each other, I quit my job in New York and moved in with her at her place in Boston. It seemed perfectly natural and there was never any friction about who owned the place.

Of course, it became moot after we got married.

Ditto.
Darcy moves tomorrow and we decided to get a completely different home for us both. I have dependants at school and he decided that it was much less stress for them if he moved into my area, rather than changing location for them again. Don't assume that because you are submissive that you have to make all the changes. You do what you are comfortable with and what works best in the situation for all parties involved.

the.dark.

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RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 7:48:20 AM

Dnomyar

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Im more in line with katy on this one. It is nice to have a relationship but it is not necessary that they live with you. I have varied interest an Im always on the go. Keeping up with me is not easy. For me a woman whould have to have a strong independent streak.

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RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 7:56:52 AM

MrSpectacular

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I don't understand the restrictions in any way. If you are more attached to your home than forming a relationship that is fine. What I don't get is how material items - can stand in the way of real human connections. It concerns me that there also is a sense of controlling the situation - that is - anyone you now meet will have to abide by these 'rules' you have placed upon the relationship. To me that in some way is destructive going in.
Just to be clear though I am not advocating giving up your home - just being open to the relationship being more important.

N

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RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 8:05:59 AM

KatyLied

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From: Pennsylvania
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Look at it this way, I have nice, affordable home, if I give it up to move in with someone and the relationship fails I am left without a roof over my head and it becomes a problematic situation for me. If I enter a relationship where we maintain our own residences none of this is a consideration. I keep my place, he keeps his place, no one is threatened with losing all of their possessions because the relationship changes. I know it is a conservative view of life, but I'm 50 and I've had to rebuild my life once already and I know it's something I don't want to do again if I can take steps to avoid it.

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RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 8:18:50 AM

LadyRainfire

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I gave it up, happily. I own my home in Idaho, no mortgage - free and clear, and packed up to move here. It wasn't easy and I miss it but the benefits of being here with Lumus outweigh the physical considerations of staying at home. It goes back to what each person wants or is looking for. I'd been on my own for so many years after my divorce and wasn't looking for a relationship. But it happened and its been worth it. I wouldn't change a thing. It was discussed beforehand how I had the flexibility to move, and he didn't. So for us, it worked out that I moved to him. Although I do admit that I was thinking that I wouldn't be able to move for another 2-3 years, things happened that I was able to move now.

I joke that someone somewhere meant for this to be.....

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RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 8:19:38 AM

shivermetimbers

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I can understand your ambivalence to a degree. I live alone in a nice apartment, I have partial season tickets for my favorite hockey and baseball team, I live very near all of my closest relatives and oldest friends. I have the free time to wake up at midnight and go fishing at the river. I have a recession proof job. I go camping and hiking.

Would I ever consider giving that up? Absolutely, I already have once. Now, would I do it again? No, because the first time I gave up what made me "me". I would love to be part of a union, with common interests where we grow together, not one having to sacrifice everything for the other. Afterall, they play baseball and hockey everywhere on the planet, the globe is 3/4 water ( or so I heard), I have a portable career, and they do have planes, trains, and automobiles. I know the next relationship I enter, I'll keep in mind that though I am looking for a D/s relationship, if that part of it were to be removed, would we still have any interest in each other? If the answer is yes, than neither of us would be giving up anything, we would only be adding to each other.

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RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 8:22:17 AM

pinksugarsub

Posts: 1224
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

I think that ultimately only you can decide what you want and that asking for the opinions of others hasn't helped you much. I know this is going to sound really bad and I assure you that I really don't mean it that way....but pink, you have to be one of the most indecisive and confused people I have ever encountered. I know that you are an intelligent woman (if memory serves me right you are an attorney). But it does appear that you either really can't figure out what it is that you want or you are just not convicted to getting it. For example, you have one thread running about knowing what you want, one that says you are afraid of what you want...and this one that seems to say that you are not sure what you want. Reading the history of your threads is like going for a ride on a rollercoaster combo Tilt-A-Whirl. Maybe....and I'm not trying to tell you what to do, just a suggestion....maybe you might consider stepping back from your search for a partner and doing some searching of your soul until you decide what will ultimately fulfill you. Granted, I know that our minds can change and that sometimes things that we thought we just had to have can become kind of meaningless when we find someone we click with....that is pretty common. But I do think it helps when you figure out the big stuff first. Anyway, hope you are not offended...I wasn't trying to. Just offering a perspective from an outside view.

erin, i'm not offended. i can understand how you might have seen a 'tilt-a-whirl' phenom.

i'm not 'searching', as it happens. i have far too much pain to consider spending time with a new Dom. i'm not continuing to see Anyone i had been dating before this pain descended. i'm on a hiatus, by necessity, and i don't know how long it'll last.

The reason my Ops may seem contradictory is that i have been evolving in my own way -- not just as to what i want from D/s, of course, but in other ways too. For whatever reason, i'm in a sort of 'growth spurt' that hasn't settled yet. It happens s'times, though not often.

Maybe it's because i'm aging. i'll be 50 soon, and i'm a bit freaked. i have realised that time is not limitless, and choices i make now may be permanent.

So if the Ops seem incongruent, i suppose it's because i myself am not in a 'fixed' place in my life. i'm questioning some things; accepting others.

i hope this clarifies things for you. Be well.

pinksugarsub

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RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 8:37:49 AM

KatyLied

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I think age has a lot to do with it. Also those who have not been through an ancrimonious divorce or in a situation where they had to start all over again may not have a frame of reference for what it takes emotionally or financially to undertake such a thing. There are no garantees going into any relationship that it will work or last forever or remain unchanged. These are all considerations that a rational person has to think about - the possibility that if you give up everything, you may be left with nothing. It's not a pleasant or romantic thought, but it is a within the realm of reality.

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RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 8:39:28 AM

Dnomyar

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shivermetimbers sorry what we did to your hockey team. I have to disagree with you. I would not give it all up again. It would have to be some sort of compromise or nothing at all.

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RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 8:46:25 AM

SeeksOnlyOne

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to the op.....why worry about something that you dont have to? just live and cross these bridges when you come to them.

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RE: Living Alone -- Can Y/you Give It Up? - 6/11/2008 9:54:50 AM

OmegaG

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SeeksOnlyOne

to the op.....why worry about something that you dont have to? just live and cross these bridges when you come to them.

Absolutely.

A year ago I would have said that I wasn't looking for anything that would take me away from my job and my home nor was I keen on the idea of sharing space with anyone. I've been mostly single with brief interludes of co-habitation since I became an adult.

Then my bosses both started talking about retirement, I started realizing that they were in large part what I enjoyed about my job. Management of my townhouse change as did rules, not so enjoyable anymore and my son and his school district came to a breaking point. Serendipidously, I also met a person that I could see being with for the long haul who was far less transient then I was (custody of kids, established carreer, stuff). I decided that it was time for a change and I'd see where that path led.

Now I have to add that both of us are cautios by nature so I got my own place near him rather then just plop down in his place. Gives us a chance to get used to each other on a daily basis and allows the kids to get used to new dynamics.

As it turned out, I'll pay less then half for rent and utilities as I was paying here and it's most likely I'll get a comperable job (while still getting paid for my obscene amounts of vacation time from this job that I couldn't ever take).

So you never know what twists and turns you'll be faced with in a month or a year so just keep in mind that the only thing that stays consistant is change.

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