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RE: The reality of fantasy... - 6/14/2008 3:07:58 PM

GoddessTeaze

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From: The Netherlands
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To Quin,

Why dont you go read about rapevictims,
and see what it is they are dealing with.
To read what problems they have, and what scars
they live with for either a long period in thier lifes, or forever.

Then come back and tell if your girl is overreacting.

I'm sure you'll understand her better, and ask her about it.
she is really the one to answer all your questions, because she lived through it, and not any of Us here.

A fantasy is nice,...
but some are better left in the fridge.

I wish you goodluck with this.

GoddezzT`

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RE: The reality of fantasy... - 6/14/2008 5:53:23 PM

kiwisub12

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Actually, if you had pulled a scene like that when i had to go out afterwards and be very vanilla, I would have killed you!!!!! Talk about dumb!!!!!!!!

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RE: The reality of fantasy... - 6/14/2008 8:45:05 PM

hejira92

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From: Palm Beach County, Fl
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It wasn't a rape scene, but we did have one scene go horribly wrong. Somehow I got in my head that He was going to hurt me (well, HARM me, I guess- I was irrational at the time). All I could do was plan my escape. It was like hyper mode or animal senses- I made sure I reacted in a normal manner outwardly, but always looking for the opportunity to escape. When He was done with the scene and began to untie me, I made a break for it. Now, I had been quiet, but I took everything He gave me, called no safe word or in any way indicated my mind was gone. I tried to get out of the house, totally naked in the middle of the night. And then, when He obviously wouldn't allow that, I began screaming. I mean SCREAMING! and fighting- I went totally feral. He had to take me down. I fought, hard and real (and I have some martial arts training- I wasn't fighting nice). I would go calm, and relax my body, waiting for Him to relax His hold, then suddenly wrench away. Now, He's trying to hold me, without hurting me, while keeping me from screaming again and I'm fighting as if my life depended on it.

While He's doing all that, He's calmly talking to me, trying to tame this crazy thing. He's telling me He's going to take care of me, that He loves me, that everything's ok. He must have held me on the floor for 45 minutes. I kept trying to get Him off of me. When I finally calmed enough to talk- I couldn't stand Him touching me. I begged Him to let me go home. He wrapped me in blankets and put me in bed. I don't really remember how many times I tried to escape that night, or how many times I begged Him to allow me to leave, but He just said no, I couldn't leave Him now and lay on the bed, never touching me, but talking all night. I think He was frightened too, but He never wavered from His position that we would deal with this together.

We spent several weeks trying to discern the exact combination of events that caused me to go feral that night. It caused us to re-examine everything about our relationship (even our D/s dynamic at one point) But it was Sir's cool head, strength of character and aftercare that kept us together.

So, landmines exist. Often, there can be no fault assigned (although to OP had horrible timing- family AND holidays, ugh!). Planning and consent cannot cover every contingency.

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Post #: 63

RE: The reality of fantasy... - 6/14/2008 9:01:34 PM

NeedingMore220

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Quin

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
I say a Lack of pre-care put your relationship in the troubled waters in the first place.

What pre care would you have suggested then? Three years together, clear desire expressed to do this scene, done in the privacy of the house. Would you claim to have a better record over all your years and NO bad scenes or fuck ups due to something no one could have reasonably forseen?

What she said. It's not the scene that is the problem. It's the fact that she lives alone in the Bronx, combined with the fact that we were suppose to go see her family afterwards and had no time to decompress, plus feeling like there was, possibly, something wrong with me mentally that caused the problem. She has stated, herself, that, in retrospect, the scene was hot and that she knows I was trying to give her a scene that she wanted...it's the timing that killed everything. It's the fear of something darker within me that I'm trying to deal with and asking about.

I can completely understand what she's going through in terms of her having her safety violated. This took place in her home, as she walked into her house. It's like my worst nightmare, truly. Not the rape scene, but the violation of her personal space. (And yes, the timing sucked - a scene like that would have had me shaking for hours.) Is there some way you can make her feel safer? It may sound silly, but buy her better locks, call her more often at night to make sure she's safe so that she feels someone is watching out for her? Is she having trouble feeling safe when sleeping? Perhaps installing a good lock on her bedroom door would help? I don't think I'd be able to sleep a wink after that happened and I'd be jumping at every sound.

I really think this comes down to her feeling of basic safety. She may just be reaching when she said she's afraid of something darker in you - it could be an excuse because it's easier to think there's something wrong with you rather than recognizing that she basically is feeling fearful in her own home.

< Message edited by NeedingMore220 -- 6/14/2008 9:09:35 PM >

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RE: The reality of fantasy... - 6/14/2008 9:14:13 PM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Quin

For those that have done scenes like this, have you had these reprecussions? How did you handle them? Are you still dealing with the reprecussions? Any advice as to what more I/we can do to continue to work through this?

We have done scenes like this and have not had any reprecussions. We do one thing differently though, which may or may not be why we haven't have any problems - He doesn't leave when it's over.

After I've been "raped" by a persona I both lovingly and fearfuly call "creepy guy", I'm actually afraid. I know it's him yet I'll still find myself praying that Valyraen will come help me. Which is absurd since I've begged for this, I love it and I know that, if I really needed to, I could end it. When it's all over, I am able to cling to him, he kisses my hair, rubs my tummy and I get to be emotionally reassured that I am safe with him.

Personally, I'd take it slowly. While the scene is hot, I couldn't have handled that as my first rape scene with Valyraen. It would have been too much. If I were you, I'd back up it up a lot. Start and end with you being you.

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RE: The reality of fantasy... - 6/14/2008 9:22:51 PM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Quin

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
I say a Lack of pre-care put your relationship in the troubled waters in the first place.

What pre care would you have suggested then? Three years together, clear desire expressed to do this scene, done in the privacy of the house. Would you claim to have a better record over all your years and NO bad scenes or fuck ups due to something no one could have reasonably forseen?

What she said. It's not the scene that is the problem. It's the fact that she lives alone in the Bronx, combined with the fact that we were suppose to go see her family afterwards and had no time to decompress, plus feeling like there was, possibly, something wrong with me mentally that caused the problem. She has stated, herself, that, in retrospect, the scene was hot and that she knows I was trying to give her a scene that she wanted...it's the timing that killed everything. It's the fear of something darker within me that I'm trying to deal with and asking about.

This is just me but I would consider you having taken all that into account before you scened to be pre-care. Val does not start rape scenes lightly and I consider this wise of him. This is something we learned by taking the idea of an intense rape scene slowly. Some people really can handle jumping into these things with both feet, others just can't. Everybody fucks up - that doesn't mean you shouldn't look at how you fucked up and learn from it.

My .02

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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

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RE: The reality of fantasy... - 6/14/2008 10:26:19 PM

AquaticSub

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Grr... I was trying to edit my last post and clicked the wrong thing.

IGNORE THIS SPACE!!!

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It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

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RE: The reality of fantasy... - 6/15/2008 10:10:22 AM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

Grr... I was trying to edit my last post and clicked the wrong thing.

IGNORE THIS SPACE!!!

consider it Ignored!!!!

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RE: The reality of fantasy... - 6/15/2008 7:17:06 PM

lostgirl83

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

Ray, I'll be ready (but do it a day early so I'm surprised and all).

OP, if you had all the answers you wouldn't be here. Instead of telling me that my impressions are wrong, perhaps you could think about it some more and see how my impression is possible. The "identified problem" is not necessarily always the "real" problem.

Cali

quote:

OP, if you had all the answers you wouldn't be here. Instead of telling me that my impressions are wrong, perhaps you could think about it some more and see how my impression is possible. The "identified problem" is not necessarily always the "real" problem.

Cali

Excellent point Cali.

Obviously if you are dealing with these "repercussions" perhaps there is a deeper issue? I have in fact participated in some hardcore type rape scenes, both within my home and without. It was with the same person each time, we were dating, he had a key to my apartment, we had discussed it several times before hand. I knew what could potentially happen, but I didn't know how or when. Although my apartment was dark, I could tell it was him and despite the fear of the situation I enjoyed it immensely. So much so, that we repeated the scene several times ;)

Im going to stick with my original suggestion that you have a sit down with her.

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RE: The reality of fantasy... - 6/16/2008 8:27:16 AM

MasterHermes

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What I will tell cant change anything for you but it can give perspective to people who wants to try this in the future. It may be a good idea to release her from her gag and blindfolds when you are about to finish the scene and let her see you, feel you, know you, and then you can start making love to her, or do something you know will have a positive effect on her. It is better to lead her mind out of that chaotic place without giving any breaks. I believe leaving her alone even for minutes and coming back later creates this gap that may cause her stay stuck in it. I hope it turns out well for you.

Good Luck
Hermes

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RE: The reality of fantasy... - 6/16/2008 12:41:36 PM

came4U

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Xmas eve? uhhg , and knowing that after the fact she would need re-coop time?

Man o man, xmas is stressful enough.

I'd say it was bad timing, bad location. Maybe more prep time, get a cabin in the woods and remove all sharp objects so she doesn't kill you by mistake.

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RE: The reality of fantasy... - 6/16/2008 1:27:01 PM

DesFIP

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Quin

I just wanted to know, from others who've been through similar scenes, what their aftermath was like and what they've done to deal with it.

The aftermath when he's gone too far and hit emotional triggers has been for him to re-earn my trust from the beginning. No assumption that because I used to love something I still do. Talk everything out and get consent ahead of time for everything. Plus stop if I don't seem to be enjoying it and talk to me.

It took a good six months before I was halfway back, before he could assume I wouldn't freak out if he just pulled out the toy bag without asking me first if I was up to it. And accepting no without getting upset or giving me the third degree.

You up to undoing your fuck up? Because what you've done is make her fear you, hot in retrospect or not. Now you have to prove something you didn't prove in the first place. That her safety and happiness are paramount for you, much more important than you getting your rocks off with edge play. And that means thinking things through ahead of time including making time for aftercare and not playing if there isn't time for it. You proved to her that you didn't think things through, that you didn't even imagine she might need a safeword, role play, talking it out ahead. You just went ahead and hurt her. And there is no short cut to fixing this.

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RE: The reality of fantasy... - 6/20/2008 12:55:50 AM

Silkendream

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hello Quin,

Quite apart from anything else, what a waste! What makes BDSM so marvellous is that it can touch feelings that are so deep, so ancient, they throw us immediately into subspace, and give a rush that no drug can match. But - this very intensity and depth also means quite unrelated or forgotten about events and fears and emotions can all surge up unexpectedly and take the scene in an entirely new direction.

Whatever it was that pressed her buttons and exploded her landmines, there is a whole surging seething unconscious mind going on under the surface that is neither logical nor rational, and it doesn't care about whether it's sensible. I have had reactions that sound somewhat similar and although it nearly tore us apart, because He held steady and allowed me to express everything that was going on, even though it meant ranting and hating Him, i not only got through it, but it took us to a whole new deeper level of submission and Mastery.

This is, in my experience, just a normal part of the process of submission, and IMO it is a wonderful opportunity for you to bond and take your relationship even deeper. Encourage her to express her fears and feelings (journalling is good) and let her go through everything until she doesn't need to anymore. Let her scream and shout at you as much as she needs (and to be fair anyone would be furious at their holiday being ruined, quite apart from anything else!) If you can hold your nerve and bear her recriminations and pain, and be loving and non-defensive, you will end up knowing her so much better and you could be much closer than ever.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes :)

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