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RE: Submissive years of experience? - 6/12/2008 1:04:21 AM

Prinsexx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: VictorianObject

oh my... so I''m "fresh meat"? I actually have never been a sub. my last girlfriend was slightly domme, but she didn't know the feelings evolving in me.

Just because you have never been a sub doesn't mean that you are not a sub.
One of the most inspiring books I have ever read is Erich Fromm's To Have or To Be. (not a bdsm related book).
However 'having 20 years experience' is sinply one of those expressions to me of imposing materialism onto a non-quantifiable series of processes. If I couldn't BE a submissive, I couldn't HAVE those experiences.
I was recently asked what equipment I had (as a submissive). OK so I can pretty much equip a play scene and do carry a kit but I did put my body, soul and mind on the list aa well as the cuffs and the collar.......

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 6/12/2008 1:09:51 AM >

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Post #: 41

RE: Submissive years of experience? - 6/12/2008 3:16:39 AM

ResidentSadist

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I think experience has value in knowing whether the person is here to stay or not. Seems like in general there is a 2 year cutoff for rapture. After that, the bittersweet taste drives the thrill seekers with rapture away and those hooked on exchanging service, power/authority and suffering are here to stay.

Other than that… I echo other replies that say experience doesn’t equate to skill.

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Post #: 42

RE: Submissive years of experience? - 6/12/2008 4:11:16 AM

gypsygrl

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Years of experience, like a lot of other things, is a bit of data that requires interpretation. In and of itself, it means relatively little but might take on more significance in an on-going process of getting to know the s-type (or d-type).

If nothing else, when someone chooses to define themselves in terms of years of experience (or any other available marker), it suggests that thats an important issue for them. They think its meaningful, so that's what they tell people in their profile. Figuring out why its important to them is something that could only be done via more conversation.

I've been doing this stuff in one fashion or another for about 6 years. I haven't always been active but for 6 years I've self consciously defined myself in relation to bd/sm and my orientation within it. If nothing else, I've been thinking about this stuff for 6 years on pretty much a daily basis.

One thing I've learned in those 6 years is to pay close attention to people's claims about having significant experience in the life style. If someone is going to twist the truth, thats often where they begin. At least in my experience.

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Post #: 43

RE: Submissive years of experience? - 6/12/2008 4:13:04 AM

Asherdelampyr

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This is the question I get when reading stuff like this
what if they have years of experience doing something in a destructive/counter-productive manner?

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Post #: 44

RE: Submissive years of experience? - 6/12/2008 4:53:19 AM

Madame4a

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Actually.. its hardly bragging, although I suppose for some it is... its not, however meaningless ... in the end, its all about getting to know someone and seeing how that experience has shaped who they are...

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

My point was that there are some people who brag about their years of experience, but they try nothing new, so what are they really saying? They are bragging about how long they are in the lifestyle and it is meaningless.

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Post #: 45

RE: Submissive years of experience? - 6/12/2008 4:54:40 AM

Madame4a

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No matter the relationship -- how someone is with their ex's is how you'll be treated in the end... I always say.. see how they treat their ex and their mother.. it tells a lot about a person... wish I had remembered that with my ex.. LOL

quote:

ORIGINAL: CruelDesires

That also works well on the other side of the whip. Learning how a Dominant speaks of his past submissives and if they are still friends or atleast still friendly with them after the relationship ends .If things go south in your relationship with that person "which sometimes happens ", its nice to know how mature that person will act and it gives you a good idea how they will speak about you as long as you both end things honorably.

CD

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Post #: 46

RE: Submissive years of experience? - 6/12/2008 5:29:57 AM

happypervert

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I'm only interested in someone's experience in using common sense, setting realistic expectations, and living without dysfunctions and self-induced drama.

< Message edited by happypervert -- 6/12/2008 5:30:38 AM >

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Post #: 47

RE: Submissive years of experience? - 6/12/2008 5:47:23 AM

MadRabbit

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Years of experience with relationships = more time available for them to work through their own issues regarding submission as well as any personal baggage they have that might be destroying those relationships.

Of course, someone people go all the way to 50 without really learning or changing anything about themselves.

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Post #: 48

RE: Submissive years of experience? - 6/12/2008 6:51:47 AM

baddog123

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Hi, yes, lol, I have 48 Years of experience at being me, and it has taken all of them to get where I am.
As soon as I figure out exactly where I am going, I'll let ya know how many more years it'll take to get there!
Who we are starts forming when we are born.

The Dawwg

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Post #: 49

RE: Submissive years of experience? - 6/12/2008 7:07:53 AM

Prinsexx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Asherdelampyr

This is the question I get when reading stuff like this
what if they have years of experience doing something in a destructive/counter-productive manner?

Yes: good point. But how would one know? In my experience of oyjers and myself (as don't get me wrong I am not exclus=ding myself from the process) self-destructive behaviour gets associated and generalised quite slowly at times. You know it can often become apparently destructive when it's pointed out by someone else. Or it becomes apparent when entering a new relationship with a d who doesn't reinforce or rward that behaviour which got embedded in a previous relationship.
For other obvious reasons (self-delusion? coevring up?) no-one admits to self defeating experience in their profiles do they? They/we/I usualyy do a better job of blamimh it on someone else, or seeing the falt in someone else but not in oneself.

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Post #: 50

RE: Submissive years of experience? - 6/12/2008 7:11:28 AM

Prinsexx

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Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: baddog123

Hi, yes, lol, I have 48 Years of experience at being me, and it has taken all of them to get where I am.
As soon as I figure out exactly where I am going, I'll let ya know how many more years it'll take to get there!
Who we are starts forming when we are born.

The Dawwg

It's not just where I am going but when I am going to get there.
If anyone else knows when they are going to shed this mortal coil then let me in on the secret.
when I was in my late teens and early twenties I had a real sense that life was going to last forever and I had enough time to fuck up and start over. At best I felt like I had limitless time to experiment.
Now I am not so sure........actually I am sure time left tp play is finite.

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 6/12/2008 7:12:30 AM >

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Post #: 51

RE: Submissive years of experience? - 6/12/2008 7:16:01 AM

Madame4a

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From: Washington, DC area
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hopefully, as with most things.. years of experience or lack is not the only thing we evaluate future partners on.. as I said above, its about getting to know someone.. for me, experience is part of that package...

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

quote:

ORIGINAL: Asherdelampyr

This is the question I get when reading stuff like this
what if they have years of experience doing something in a destructive/counter-productive manner?

Yes: good point. But how would one know? In my experience of oyjers and myself (as don't get me wrong I am not exclus=ding myself from the process) self-destructive behaviour gets associated and generalised quite slowly at times. You know it can often become apparently destructive when it's pointed out by someone else. Or it becomes apparent when entering a new relationship with a d who doesn't reinforce or rward that behaviour which got embedded in a previous relationship.
For other obvious reasons (self-delusion? coevring up?) no-one admits to self defeating experience in their profiles do they? They/we/I usualyy do a better job of blamimh it on someone else, or seeing the falt in someone else but not in oneself.

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

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Post #: 52

RE: Submissive years of experience? - 6/12/2008 7:23:29 AM

Mercnbeth

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The only experience I value is related to life. Years on the line as a submissive, dominant, pain slut, or service oriented are good talking points. I don't see time served as relevant or important to the decision process. Mainly due to the fact of perspective.

Based on prior expediences, someone may represent that they LOVE being caned; but they've never been caned by me. It works the other way too. I represent I've been "in the lifestyle" +30 years and love caning. However, until the stroke of MY cane - hits his/her ass; all that alleged experience is irrelevant. I've been with self professed 'pain sluts' who opt out after a tentative warm-up. Others who've said; "be gentle" who don't begin to react until smacked with a 2x4. Which introduces other 'experience' factors - mental/emotional processing of the experience.

Although beth represented that she had zero 'lifestyle' experience, she sure as hell had submissive encounters with dominant personalities. Some of those didn't go so well and affected what it was that I did to her when we first formalized our relationship. Because of those experiences there was some negative connotations to specific activities that I enjoyed. I couldn't change her past experience however I could change how she mentally and emotionally processed the same experience with me. I didn't benefit by her past experience, nor did I give up my desires because of them. beth's knowledge of self and her self confidence was her greatest "selling point". I benefited because she knew herself and the 'issues'; communicated them, and trusted me to help her work through them.

The only experience I consider useful is first hand. I don't use represented experience, or lack of it, as a "selling point". I value confidence and self knowledge much more than time spent doing anything.

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Post #: 53

RE: Submissive years of experience? - 6/12/2008 7:33:12 AM

ShiftedJewel

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I've got more years in the lifestyle then I would care to admit... but as far as a sub/slave goes? I'm a newbie to them just like they're a newbie to me. Everybody does things differently so every coupling is going to be brand new. Years in the lifestlye means nothing to me, they may have been in a previous collar for twenty years, but they've never served me, so they're new at.

Does that make any sense?

Jewel

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Post #: 54

RE: Submissive years of experience? - 6/12/2008 7:41:48 AM

wanderingstray

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I prefer odd numbers of years. 1,3,5,7,... is 0 odd or even?

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Post #: 55

RE: Submissive years of experience? - 6/12/2008 7:52:39 AM

mistoferin

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Hiyas and hugs Jewel,
I think that you are absolutely right in saying that two people entering a new relationship are newbies to each other. I also think that the simple statement "I have 'X' number of years experience" is not an accurate means of determining actual experience.....or whether or not that experience will be relevant to you. I know of a man who claims over 30 years experience....but when you inquire further you find out that his experience started out at 18, but then he was married for over 25 years completely vanilla and has only recently begun pursuing his interests in this again.

I do think however, that it can be a good jumping off point to ask further questions. Okay, you have 10 years of experience. What has that experience been? In those 10 years, how many collars have you worn? Has all your experience been with just 1 or 2? Were your experiences online, casual or live in? How active have you been in public communities where you have had the opportunity to have seen or tried many different things? Etc., etc.

I believe that the answers to all of the follow up questions can reveal a lot about a person. If the person said that in their 10 years they have worn 37 different collars...that would tell you something. If they said that in that time they were with 1 person the entire time...that also tells you something.

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 6/12/2008 7:54:25 AM >

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Post #: 56

RE: Submissive years of experience? - 6/12/2008 7:54:34 AM

KatyLied

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I agree that the followup questions/answers are more important and far more telling than a blanket
"I've been in the lifestyle __ years" sort of statement.

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Post #: 57

RE: Submissive years of experience? - 6/12/2008 8:13:11 AM

Madame4a

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From: Washington, DC area
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I feel like there is this pervasive idea that people lie about or inflate their experience. I'm pollyanna sometimes and assume because I dont' do that, no one else does.

I agree.. I don't begin my experience from the first time I tied up the neighbor boy... I don't even think that when I was just starting to explore counts.. what counts for me... is when I started to get out into the community, had a partner, mentors, and really started to learn.

I do see the 30 years experience types... who are 40 or 45 and think.. yea, right.. *shrug*

again, its all about getting to know someone and understanding what they mean by that experience -- frankly for me, when someone lies about it.. I'm likely to find out somehow... as I'd check people out locally and generally, you can't hide a lack of experience for too long.. because I'll test it...

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You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

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Post #: 58

RE: Submissive years of experience? - 6/12/2008 8:20:44 AM

KatyLied

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From: Pennsylvania
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Nothing beats the famous "I was raised in the lifestyle" claim.

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Post #: 59

RE: Submissive years of experience? - 6/12/2008 8:37:05 AM

Icarys

Posts: 5757
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

Years of experience with relationships = more time available for them to work through their own issues regarding submission as well as any personal baggage they have that might be destroying those relationships.

Of course, someone people go all the way to 50 without really learning or changing anything about themselves.

How old are you?

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Post #: 60

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