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Conflicting images... - 6/12/2008 7:26:11 AM

DominantJenny

Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
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As T&C noted over in another thread, I've developed a very kind, nice image here...because, you know, I'm nice and kind. At the same time, I'm a serious sadist. I've left my boy's butt black and blue for 3 days (and that took some work, 'cause he does NOT mark easily); I wish I'd taken a picture at the time, actually. :P Anyway, I suspect this is more common among female dominants and male submissives than in other groups, this tendency to have dramatically conflicting images. As someone who is big on being consistently who I am, and even bigger on honesty, I sometimes have trouble with these dualities. Does it bother you? Do you find yourself trying to force the images to mesh or wanting to apologize for your apparent inconsistencies? Or did you and how did you overcome it?
This touches on the broader issue, too, of being out or not about kink...when there is such a dichotomy to the way one presents oneself in different situations, it does feel somehow deceitful not to at least acknowledge that there is a VERY different side to one's personality, even if that side isn't going to really ever interact with, say, a friend who knows one from a more vanilla point of view. I know I come across as pretty assertive, but they don't know the half of it, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. What about you? Do you feel this limits your friendships, keeping a whole side of yourself from the person? What do you do about that?

(P.S. I'm trying to come up with a good thread or two here, since we were bombarded the last couple of days with several less-than-stellar ones. It isn't easy coming up with topics, people. :P)

Post #: 1

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/12/2008 7:31:40 AM

pixelslave

Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline

In many ways, what you describe isn't that different from the situation of a submissive male being expected by society to be the agressor in the workplace who also is lord of his house and earns all the money. They often also live a different life which they don't share with their non-lifestyle friends.

- pixel

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 2

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/12/2008 7:34:58 AM

DominantJenny

Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
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You skimmed. :P *quotes herself* "I suspect this is more common among female dominants and male submissives than in other groups..."
So, how do you deal with it?

(in reply to pixelslave)

Post #: 3

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/12/2008 7:59:22 AM

BossyShoeBitch

Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline

Most of the people that know me here in my vanilla life think of me as a bubbly, cheerful, helpful, doting, Soccer Mom. I get off on the dichotomous nature of it all.. The fact that it would it cause most of them to faint if they knew that went on in the dark recesses of my mind (and bedroom).. That being said most of my very close friends do know about all the sides to my personality.. Those who aren't quite close enough to know, well, I may or may not choose to share that with them.

To answer some of your questions.. I am fine with all of it. I AM that happy, friendly, Soccer Mom in many ways.. I don't feel as if I am being deceitful at all. It isn't like it is their right to know every bit of information about me.. It doesn't have any bearing on their lives whatsoever. Also, it really doesn't limit my friendships in the least. I am fairly Darwinian in my approach to friendship anyway. I make friends very easily and if after getting to know the person I realize that they are prone to being closed minded and judgemental, I eventually lose all interest in the friendship anyway..

< Message edited by BossyShoeBitch -- 6/12/2008 8:07:15 AM >

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A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 4

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/12/2008 8:30:26 AM

MissEnchanted

Posts: 510
Status: offline

Most vanilla people know me as bubbly, friendly, sweet and 'assertive'.

I am also quite sadistic.

I am living in a FemDomme world of my own making, much like you Jenny.

Depending on my mood, needs, etc and what sub or slave I have in front of me I can go either way.

I find myself in the mood to kick someone's ass and if in that moment: there is a sweet, giving, compliant sub who is not into maso at all; I sublimate that sadistic energy and get busy. I take care of business, clean, work-out, put on some good rockn'roll and dance around to burn that energy off.

Sometimes that isn't so easy! Thankfully I do have pain-sluts in my small circle of friends who thrive on my whip and are available to come to me if I need it. Gotta love 'em!

I can also feel either of the parts of my personality that you mention above stimulated by things or people in my environment. Practicing self-control and being missniceynice is fun up to a point.

Then you just gotta rock!

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 5

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/12/2008 8:34:24 AM

chiaThePet

Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline

It ain't easy being green.

I decided a long time ago that no one would be better
at being me than me. As long as I am comfortable in
my skin, no matter the skin I choose to wear for the
moment, I quite frankly don't give a rat's ass how
others might wish to define me.

I'm not quite Sybil, but I'm thoroughly convinced that
I'm not alone in here.

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Sorry, didn't see you standing there."

chia* (the pet)

_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 6

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/12/2008 8:40:56 AM

MsLemon

Posts: 47
Joined: 1/3/2004
Status: offline

Its my opinion that all people have duality inside them. No one is all one way at all times or if they are they'd be quite boring even to themselves. Its not a strictly female sadist situation to be nice and loving but yet truly enjoy inflicting pain as I know many cuddly male Dominant sadists. Have seen them loving pick their partner up from the floor after a harsh beating and make sure they are well and whole in a way that would make even the most cold of us feel warm and fuzzy. A sadist is after all someone who gets off on giving pain it doesn't mean they don't also know how to comfort the one hurting once they're done. Someone who hurts just for the sake of hurting and leaves the mess they create is more of a pychotic than a sadist but that would be topic for another thread :)

Revel in your humanity and do exactly what you say your doing which is "be yourself always".

Regards,
Ms Lemon - the sweet angel faced sadist that people love to fear :)

(in reply to MissEnchanted)

Post #: 7

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/12/2008 9:04:27 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
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Dichotomy was used twice here already. Ok people expand my knowlege. What does it mean? Nobody ever knows who you realy are. You may precieve a person one way and then later go wow I never knew they were like that.

(in reply to MsLemon)

Post #: 8

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/12/2008 9:14:14 AM

LaTigresse

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Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I wouldn't use dichotomy to describe it really. Because that seems like there would be two seperate parts of me.

For me, it is just different facets of the whole. Or many collective little bits all rolled up on one complex individual. None of us is 100% sweetness and light and even some of the most evil people have shown extraordinary kindnesses at moments. I know that I can be the most patient, gentle, loving, nurturing person I know. I can also be the coldest, cruelest, most selfish person I know. Different people bring out different facets. Some see more facets of the whole than others.

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 9

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/12/2008 9:14:31 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I am sweet, kind, loving, generous, open-hearted.....and cute. God, I hate being cute. Thank goodness I can kick ass! In spite of being nice, no one ever questions that for a second.

I am myself, and I don't have any cognitive dissonance with being nice and a sadist too. Wouldn't it be pretty awful if I were some mean careless person leaving a trail of broken toys? The problem arises with SOME male submissives who are locked into the bitch goddess stereotype. I can do some role playing with that, but I am not a harpy IRL, and why should I change to make some man happy? LOL! The very qualities of empathy and understanding that make me a good friend make me a good dominant, too. I inspire trust in people, and I always have.

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Post #: 10

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/12/2008 9:17:01 AM

Domin8tingUrDrmz

Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
Status: offline

From Wikipedia: A dichotomy is any splitting of a whole into exactly two non-overlapping parts. In other words, it is a bipartition of elements. i.e. nothing can belong simultaneously to both parts, and everything must belong to one part or the other. They are often contrasting and spoken of as "opposites".

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Post #: 11

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/12/2008 9:29:15 AM

MissEnchanted

Posts: 510
Status: offline

quote:

Some see more facets of the whole than others.

Yep.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 12

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/12/2008 1:23:26 PM

Steponme73

Posts: 552
Joined: 11/9/2007
Status: offline

I think that this is more of a problems for the Dommes in the crowd than for the subs. As men, we do get a little bit more of break when it comes to image. It really intrigues me that a "soccer mom" can go to the soccer field, root her child on, come home fix dinner, do all the other chores that she has to do then be a sadist in the bedroom. Of course, she should not have to fix dinner, etc, if she has a good slave. But the diverse personalites is what I find so amazing. That very quality is what to me, makes women so neat.

(in reply to MissEnchanted)

Post #: 13

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/12/2008 1:30:37 PM

BlackSakura

Posts: 131
Joined: 7/23/2006
Status: offline

I am very conflicting/contrasting in the same way; however, I use it and play with it a bit. I am the very unassuming domme and that’s how I like it! ^_^ As far as being “out”, I don’t hide my lifestyle from others, although I don’t flaunt it either.

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Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away, and you have their shoes!

(in reply to MissEnchanted)

Post #: 14

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/12/2008 2:11:51 PM

khantengri

Posts: 23
Joined: 6/8/2008
Status: offline

In public I would say that I'm fairly introverted, and I prefer to observe rather than to assert myself for the sake of making my presence known. I'm fairly shy too, but I can work around my shyness if necessary.

I think this apparent constrast is part of what makes me well balanced.. the fact that I am naturally tentative and sensitive makes me well suited to take responsibility as a dominant.

(in reply to BlackSakura)

Post #: 15

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/12/2008 2:16:37 PM

pixelslave

Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantJenny

You skimmed. :P *quotes herself* "I suspect this is more common among female dominants and male submissives than in other groups..."
So, how do you deal with it?

Okay, I somewhat had that coming DominantJenny, but I was in a bit of a hurry this morning.

To some extent for men, they don't tend to talk on deeper levels with each other like women seem to do, so that can make it a bit easier socially. Men tend to talk mainly about sports, business, their kids, cars, and projects around the house; or so it's been my observation over the years. Now behind each other's backs, they will tend to label others as being "pussy whipped" by their wives and girlfriends, but they rarely do it directly to their faces; except perhaps among younger men where boasting about their sexual bravado is more prevalent. I always felt uncomfortable around that type of crowd when I was at that age.

For me, I had to learn to accept, embrace and love the submissive male at the core of my being to really feel comfortable inside my skin. I'd think it would be similar for a woman who was also a part-time sadist.

To be happy with one's self, I think you have to learn to love all the things about yourself, even the things you might like to change. That makes it easier to accept the love of another for who you are now, not who you might like to become some day or the "potential you". I want to be loved for being a male who happens to be submissive to a woman. I'd like that to be something she greatly values and appreciates in me, along with the many other things I think I have to offer her as well. We also all have our little flaws, quirks, and idiosyncracies too. Those are things I can find endearing in another and laugh at in myself. I'd hope a woman could feel similarly about some of mine as well.

- pixel

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 16

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/12/2008 2:49:58 PM

DominantJenny

Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pixelslave
Okay, I somewhat had that coming DominantJenny, but I was in a bit of a hurry this morning.

You are forgiven.

quote:

To some extent for men, they don't tend to talk on deeper levels with each other like women seem to do, so that can make it a bit easier socially. Men tend to talk mainly about sports, business, their kids, cars, and projects around the house; or so it's been my observation over the years. Now behind each other's backs, they will tend to label others as being "pussy whipped" by their wives and girlfriends, but they rarely do it directly to their faces; except perhaps among younger men where boasting about their sexual bravado is more prevalent. I always felt uncomfortable around that type of crowd when I was at that age.

For me, I had to learn to accept, embrace and love the submissive male at the core of my being to really feel comfortable inside my skin. I'd think it would be similar for a woman who was also a part-time sadist.

To be happy with one's self, I think you have to learn to love all the things about yourself, even the things you might like to change. That makes it easier to accept the love of another for who you are now, not who you might like to become some day or the "potential you". I want to be loved for being a male who happens to be submissive to a woman. I'd like that to be something she greatly values and appreciates in me, along with the many other things I think I have to offer her as well. We also all have our little flaws, quirks, and idiosyncracies too. Those are things I can find endearing in another and laugh at in myself. I'd hope a woman could feel similarly about some of mine as well.

- pixel

Good point about men and their interaction styles. *nodnod*
Oh, I agree. I'm very comfortable within myself.

(in reply to pixelslave)

Post #: 17

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/12/2008 3:14:50 PM

DominantJenny

Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

Thanks for all the replies so far.

I agree with you, BossyShoeBitch, about my selection of friends...if they are such that they would treat me negatively if they knew, I tend to keep a certain distance anyway.

MissEnchanted, you bring up a good point about being stimulated by your environment. I suppose it's really no different than being, say, gay, in that there are just Other Things we have to think about because our sexuality isn't the predominant one in our society. I hope someday that changes!

But what do you do, LaTigresse, when you feel like you are deliberately holding back facets of the whole, assuming you ever feel that way? I sometimes feel like if I show a facet of my personality at a certain moment, that it will be poorly received, but, then, when that moment has passed, I feel trapped into never expressing that facet again, because I didn't the first time it came up...

LadyHibiscus, oddly, my guy likes a little cute, so I work it in just for him, although I have limited natural cute-factor. :)

khantengri, I'm a pretty hard core introvert myself and often come across as a bit awkward at first in face-to-face social situations (although that's changed over the years); I strongly prefer the other person to make the first move, for example...I'll take over immediately after, but that first step is a doozy. :)

Overall, everyone, I agree that being balanced is a good thing...the key, I think, is in feeling that the balance is intertwined in a yin/yang sort of way rather than distinct like an old fashioned set of scales or a teeter-totter...

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 18

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/12/2008 4:29:33 PM

DelilahDeb

Posts: 429
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline

DominantJenny, the entertaining point that you raise is not that any of us has more than one facet, but that inevitably, we are known to others in limited ways: as a soccer mom or a bubbly cheerleader, a wickedly twinking sadist or a comfortably bound sub, a bitchy aunt, a accidental punster, a respected elder or the baby of the family. For me, one of the ongoing challenges of my life is the number of roles I play, and the way that I compartmentalize them. Occasionally frustrating to some of the closest to me, who know me in many roles and accept me in all of them. In a perfect world, I would not need to hide any facets. What perfect world? Well, the better I can make it, the better this corner of it will get.

Delilah Deb

_____________________________

"All acts of love & pleasure are My rituals."
--from the Charge of the Goddess, a Wiccan teaching

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 19

RE: Conflicting images... - 6/12/2008 6:36:47 PM

subtex

Posts: 129
Joined: 9/16/2004
From: Dallas
Status: offline

I don't think I have dramatically conflicting images. I think my image is I'm a nice guy. I think that's consistent with being a sub. You might say I seem too conservative to be interested in kinky sex. So I guess my friends would be surprised to find out about all the kinky sex I'm not having. As far as being limited with my friends, I haven't been. I think I'm pretty much the same guy at work or in the dungeon. Yikes maybe I'm one dimensional. Oh well I should be easy to figure out.
Bill

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 20

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